Man I am seeing dropped a bit of a bombshell now I’m unsure what to do

[Polkadotdress1]

Hi

I have been seeing a man for about three months. At first it was just casual but we do get along well and have had some nice dates etc. I have developed feelings for him but I have not told him this.

I saw him the other day and he dropped a bit of a bombshell. Think interest in swinging, poly etc. Which he also on a forum for. This is not something I have any experience or interest in and I feel quite confused. I do really like him but I’m just not sure what to do. Any advice welcome

everything seemed ok but I suppose recently he sometimes goes quiet with me and will read my message and then not reply but give an excuse the next day. I didn’t really think anything of it but makes me wonder if he’s with other people when he does this, now I now this about him.

That could be it but it's also likely he's training you not to be "needy" so that he can ignore you when his attention is diverted elsewhere. He wants to have sex with multiple partners and does not want the "drama" of having to explain himself to anyone. Selfish, selfish selfish.

He is grooming you. Do not meet up with him again, just make a clean break. Stay strong, there is someone better for you out there.

Are you contending for worst piece of advice of the day 🤷🏼‍♀️

Have you been using condoms? If you haven't then you need a std check. Sorry OP but if he is into that scene and you aren't then run.

It’s only weeks in - no investment at all, it’s absolutely clear.

he’s totally grooming you. Cut and run.

My ex husband suddenly developed a strong interest in l this. It wasn't for me so our marriage ended after 20 years. I dont think it worked out for him either, he seemed pissed off with the whole thing after the initial excitement. Ruined his life. I refused to take him back.
If its not your thing don't do it. Its a seedy life with horrible people in it.

What do you mean, ‘if he keeps pushing’……?

This is what he’s into. He needs to find someone who’s also into it. That’s not the OP.

He should raise this with women he’s seeing immediately, so that they can decide whether to continue with him, or not.

He quite purposely does not do that, because he knows most women will walk, and it limits his access to sex.

Really shit advice from you @LampLighter414

That whole scene is something I’ve dipped in and out of for the last 20 years (although a lot more off than on) both as a single person and also when I was in a relationship.

I personally think what he’s doing is testing the water to see if this is something you’d be interested in, I don’t think he’s expecting you to do it but just sounding you out. I think what you need to do now is clarify with him that it’s not a deal breaker for him if you definitely don’t want to.

To put your mind at ease, there’s about 1 woman for every 50 men in the scene. Competition is fierce so unless he’s literally god’s gift to women, the vast majority of his involvement would be attempting to get some action rather than getting any.

Maybe another reason he’s mentioned it is that he wants to be honest about his past. I have told my bf about the things I did, although not straight away when we got together! I told him because I didn’t want any secrets and also because he’s so laid back he really wouldn’t care (I was right). I am far happier now in a happy relationship than I was when I was into that lifestyle, it took a bit of adjustment to reprogram my brain but honestly I don’t miss it at all.

Before you write him off I would just sit down and have a really honest conversation with him, that you are solely monogamous and if this is going to continue you expect the same from him. And that you have no interest in threesomes etc and you really don’t want him bringing things like that up whilst you’re shagging. If he doesn’t respond in the way you’d like him to, THEN bin him off.

Don't try to parse out his response. What he means or doesn't mean doesn't matter.

Your response to his response is very simple. "No. Please do not contact me again"

Before you write him off I would just sit down and have a really honest conversation with him, that you are solely monogamous and if this is going to continue you expect the same from him. And that you have no interest in threesomes etc and you really don’t want him bringing things like that up whilst you’re shagging. If he doesn’t respond in the way you’d like him to, THEN bin him off.

This would be OK good advice if the man in question seemed like a decent person.

But have you read the OP’s posts? If you’ve even only read a handful of them, you’ll see quite clearly that he’s a sleeze.

Why should the OP do all this dancing around, considering, waiting, seeing?!

He’s a man. Men are a dime a dozen. Why settle for a blatantly sub-standard one?

Listening to your instinct, and going with that - is always the best option. Especially when it appears you have a clear-cut incompatibility with someone.

We have a winner

I was on such a site for a while. I'm not a swinger, and in fact can be a prude, but I was looking to expand my horizons a bit post-divorce. I joined the forum on there and got chatting to some really lovely people over time, of both sexes. I also gained a deeper understanding of the type of scene your date is into. I have to say, monogamy doesn't always feature very heavily on the kink scene! One guy I met up with on there said that he'd leave the scene, if he met the right woman. Bullshit. Once you're entrenched in that, it's too difficult to settle for vanilla. So although I came across men I liked and got on with, I'd never actually want a relationship with them (if even they were capable of it).
There's also the matter of him not being open about this from the start.

Yuck.

You may like him but there other people out there that you could like. This is not the only man. This man will erode you.

Get turned off. That way you won't need to ''dialogue'' with yourself.

When you tell him it's over just tell him you're turned off so that he doesn't try to intellectualise it and rationalise it and make you feel like a prude.

Sexual fethishes are his language, his is swinging and poly, yours is that you be enough.

I said this to an arsehole I met online who was in to voyeurism but omitted to mention that for quiiiiite some time. In the end I told him that my fantasy was that I would be enough for my partner. He looked like, well that's ridiculous.

I had it bad for him but I just got SO TURNED OFF in the end.

Cool, tell him to think about his male friend being there too and watch his reaction. Agree with others, he’s trying to groom you into doing everything his way which is why he hasn’t found anyone into the same thing as him as he would be intimidated by other men being there. I’d have abit of fun by mentioning things he wouldn’t like due to double standards and watch him squirm then dump him. If he’s showing signs of double standards. Not for me personally and I recommend you don’t do things against your will or coercion, see a counsellor to help build up your self esteem and become assertive, don’t let these types take advantage of you.

Dump
How dishonest to keep something like this a secret until you're starting to fall for him.
Now he wants you to ignore your values and boundaries.

I write down in black and white what my values and boundaries are. Helpful to stay true to yourself when your feelings become involved.

Also agree with other pp get an STD check, don’t let him ruin your health

Something is wrong about how he phrased this. He's more interested in claiming not to be abusive than in you, I think. I suspect the longer that someone is with him, the more abusive he is. Shades of " I'm a nice guy, me"

Every bit that you say about him builds up a picure of a sexual user who is manipulative

No to be fair I didn’t RTFT 😂. And if he’s a sleeze then no there’s probably no hope for him.

It’s like any other sector of life, some people are lovely, some are twats, you can’t tar them all with the same brush. But from my fairly good knowledge of men who have been in that scene, largely they are happy to drop it all if someone they really like comes along. Covid kind of killed it all dead for a good long while there and most friends that I made and am still friends on FB with/talk to occasionally are now in relationships and seem content with being monogamous.

I think my point is, just because someone has done that, doesn’t mean that it’s the only way they can be. However if you have made it clear that you’re not at all interested in it and he continues to bring it up/persuade you then that’s massively disrespectful and an excellent reason to walk.

I’d dump him in two seconds flat.

But from my fairly good knowledge of men who have been in that scene, largely they are happy to drop it all if someone they really like comes along.

This is in complete contrast to @mycatisannoying’s post, who also speaks from experience:

One guy I met up with on there said that he'd leave the scene, if he met the right woman. Bullshit. Once you're entrenched in that, it's too difficult to settle for vanilla. So although I came across men I liked and got on with, I'd never actually want a relationship with them (if even they were capable of it).

“During sex he said think about if your friend was here too.”

to which the response would be “get off me get your clothes on get the fuck out and delete my number”

He also spoke about sex very soon after we got chatting and offered to come and give me a massage etc. This was on day one of texting!

@Polkadotdress1 Eww, block those right away.

He’s not a swinger or poly - both of those are based completely on consent and openness and he’s been neither.

I had a long relationship with a swinger. It was mentioned on date 1 because he knew it was a dealbreaker for some people and actual swingers aren’t into misleading people.

I’d run a mile, and I say that as someone with an open marriage. He hasn’t been open and honest with you for three months. That’s a massive red flag.

@RenegadeMatron I don’t think it’s impossible at all to get out of it, maybe it’s dependant on just how entrenched a person is. Everyone just had an enforced 2 year break, clubs were closed, most people were too scared to meet up, certainly for the first year of lockdowns etc, sites were actively discouraging people from doing so.

It is an addictive lifestyle though, actually although initially a bit bereft about losing that part of my life but now to be honest I look back and it’s like it happened to someone else. It’s not just about the sex, there’s a massive social side to it too which is a right laugh (depending on where you go I guess!). And like any addiction, some can kick the habit and others can’t.

‘It has to be about what both people want. Not just about me as that would be abusive

He seems to be implying that whether you want it or not is still open to change by 'discussion'/persuasion.

I've done a lot of group stuff etc at anon venues, hookups from Fab, and so on. Never again though I hope. The sort of guys involved are not what I'm looking for in a man now. I.e. the sort of types that bring up sex straight away.