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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Man I am seeing dropped a bit of a bombshell now I’m unsure what to do

392 replies

Polkadotdress1 · 16/06/2022 20:11

Hi

I have been seeing a man for about three months. At first it was just casual but we do get along well and have had some nice dates etc. I have developed feelings for him but I have not told him this.

I saw him the other day and he dropped a bit of a bombshell. Think interest in swinging, poly etc. Which he also on a forum for. This is not something I have any experience or interest in and I feel quite confused. I do really like him but I’m just not sure what to do. Any advice welcome

OP posts:
Original poster
Polkadotdress1 · 16/06/2022 22:28

I just feel lied too. I know he has been honest now but wasn’t before and it does hurt a bit. I feel like it might be a bit hard to let go but I know it’s for the best. We are just not right for each other I suppose

OP posts:
Strawberriesaregreat · 16/06/2022 22:31

Don't be confused. He still wants to see you but will most likely try to persuade you to enter into poly or swingers OR he will continue behind your back. Hes not giving up on this lifestyle. Cut your ties and just be thankful you've not invested any more than 3 months.

TakeMe2Insanity · 16/06/2022 22:32

Bunty55 · 16/06/2022 20:17

He's grooming you OP !

This!

SpiderVersed · 16/06/2022 22:33

He’s grooming you, dump his skanky butt.

This is not a 3-months in bombshell, this should have been told to you much earlier.

Who knows how many other people he’s been sleeping with. Get tested for STDs if you haven’t been scrupulously careful.

RhiRhi1996 · 16/06/2022 22:35

As others have said, unless you are very interested in an open / poly relationship then run.

I wouldn't even "try" it and see as I think you can get a good idea of whether you're a strictly monogamous person or not without trying it.

Don't waste your time, possibly getting deeper feelings for him as it wouldn't end well

Oceanus · 16/06/2022 22:36

I agree OP, you were lied to by omission. I think it's fine to keep certain things under wraps for self-protection when you've only just met and you don't know what the person's like but 3 months is way too much for sth this major...

mokololo · 16/06/2022 22:39

He should have told you before your first date. I have dated poly guys or ENM (ethically non monogomous) and they have all made it super clear before we ever met in person. TBH you can't normally shut polyamorous people up about this stuff. They are the vegans of sex. So his behaviour is very suspicious and uncool.

Bumpsadaisie · 16/06/2022 22:40

It's a no from me.

timeisnotaline · 16/06/2022 22:41

how about: I agree, and I’m telling you what I want. I want to find a relationship with someone who will be content to be in a monogamous relationship with me. It’s been lovely hanging out with you but we don’t have that future so best to move on.

me4real · 16/06/2022 22:41

There's nothing wrong with poly/swingers/ENM and for some of us it works extremely well (and contrary to popular opinion here it's not just seedy men who want to sleep with as many women as possible)

@icclemunchy I think there are a fair few of them involved though.

@Polkadotdress1 If a man talked like that to me several times, I'd get the creeps and bin. Sleaziness and sexually inappropriate talk (which is this because of how he randomly inserted it into conversations several times) is one of my least favourite things.

Give him a chance OP he seems to get it’s a two person deal. If he keeps pushing it in future then it’s time to rethink but if not, happy days

@LampLighter414 His bringing different sexual stuff up repeatedly that he knows most women wouldn't like him talking about, is pushy already.

whattodo2019 · 16/06/2022 22:46

Run a mile!!!!!

Minoloso · 16/06/2022 22:51

You may have to trawl a few pages but if he’s there and has not hidden his profile you’ll find him. You don’t have to upload any info about yourself & it’s free to join. It’ll give you an idea into ‘the scene’ - pretty much all the men are looking for women age 18 up 🤢 it shows what they are into etc. Be prepared though OP, it’s pretty mind bending - and explicit - lots of things you didn’t realise existed or that people sctudd as my do… not judging, but I had no idea there would be such a huge volume of people on there uploading pretty crude stuff.

Minoloso · 16/06/2022 22:52

*actually do

Itstimetoquit · 16/06/2022 22:54

Dump him,have a look on fab swingers, you might find his profile,I found my ex on there x

seaUrchinOne · 16/06/2022 22:54

Seriously creepy if he lied to you all along, unless he's never actually done it before and it's a fetish of his to control you into his swinging fantasies, hoping you'll go along with it.
firmly say no to meeting still at the weekend, there is no point wasting anymore time with him.

Junepassing · 16/06/2022 22:57

YANBU. Have you noticed anything else strange about his behaviour?

AdaColeman · 16/06/2022 22:58

@Polkadotdress1 no need to be confused. What he is doing is yanking your chain so he doesn't lose you.

He's spent three months softening you up, so that he can lure you into his sexual fantasies, he wants a last try at pulling you in. So now he's telling you what you want hear and gaslighting you.

Listen to all the advice on this thread, stop engaging with him, block his number.
Start the Freedom Program ASAP, so you don't fall for this sort of rubbish again.

whenwillthemadnessend · 16/06/2022 22:59

If you are having sex, which your post implies. Are you using barrier protection otherwise I'd be getting a STD test op. He sounds pretty grimy

whereamu · 16/06/2022 22:59

Polkadotdress1 · 16/06/2022 20:34

My boundaries are not great and I have tendencies to do things I’m not always comfortable with or interested in just to please other people!

You need to step back and treat it like a business decision. Keep your emotions out of it!

Shunter350 · 16/06/2022 23:00

Guy here ( for reference).. it's like he's "grooming" you I suppose. Gaining trust, etc.

ventreàterre · 16/06/2022 23:02

He kept something vitally important from you until you'd started to form an attachment. Devious. That's your red flag. Don't compromise. Dump him and keep looking for someone better.

Original poster
Polkadotdress1 · 16/06/2022 23:13

@Junepassing everything seemed ok but I suppose recently he sometimes goes quiet with me and will read my message and then not reply but give an excuse the next day. I didn’t really think anything of it but makes me wonder if he’s with other people when he does this, now I now this about him.

He also spoke about sex very soon after we got chatting and offered to come and give me a massage etc. This was on day one of texting!

OP posts:
FabFitFifties · 16/06/2022 23:13

Please run for the hills OP. Were you using condoms? If not, next stop sexual health clinic.

AtrociousCircumstance · 16/06/2022 23:15

He waited until there was an attachment on your part - three months of misleading you deliberately - in order to manipulate you.

And now he is continuing to manipulate you. Push your boundaries. He wants to see you in order to persuade you that it’s something you are willing to try and he will do that on the strength of knowing you’re into him (you know, that attachment he spent three months grooming you into) - not because you want it.

It’s gross. He doesn’t care about your consent.

Just reply, “I’m sorry, there really is no future for a relationship between us but I wish you all the best.” And block.

christinarossetti39 · 16/06/2022 23:16

OP, he has sensed that you may do things that you don't want to to please other people and that your boundaries aren't that firm, and is grooming you to start believing that you really MAY want to do this stuff, because then it will be okay because that's what both of you want.

Someone described grooming to me as taking over someone's mind, which is EXACTLY what it is - manipulating the way someone views themselves and the world around them their own ends.

By 'both people' he means you doing what he wants and convincing yourself that it's what you want too.

Continuing texting and them meeting up with him after him starting to text about sex on day 1 has, he believes, given him a green light to continue pushing your boundaries.

Either block immediately or send a very brief text saying you're not into seeing him again and block then.