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AIBU?

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Original poster

Help me unfuck this! Child in hospital, long haul trip home tomorrow

357 replies

ElfinsMum · 16/06/2022 17:32

Posting for traffic:

We are in Australia. First trip home in 2.5 years booked for tomorrow. 4 week trip timed with Aus winter school hols. SIL and her kids also flying into UK so we can all celebrate PILs' 50th.

Youngest DD (2) admitted to hospital today unexpectedly. She can't fly for at least a week, maybe 10 days. Docs won't know for sure for another couple of days depending how the treatment goes.

DS is utterly gutted and has been bawling his eyes out all evening and demanding that DH takes him tomorrow anyway. DD1 suffers some separation anxiety and called me earlier to say she would be too anxious to go without me and the baby.

What the hell do we do?

DH wants to head off tomorrow as planned with older DCs. He thinks it's fine to leave me in hospital with the toddler and then us come across later when she is allowed to fly. I think that's easy to say when you're not the one being left literally holding the baby in hospital!! Also, I couldn't leave my ill child like that, just couldn't. Bothers me that it turns out he could.

I want to reschedule all our flights to 10 days later to be certain and reorganise holiday, i.e. still 4 weeks but later. DH says that's impractical and that everything is now planned and booked around these dates. In particular we will miss his sister and family. He is angry at me that I am willing to sacrifice seeing his family.

We have also discussed a compromise option, where DH and older kids wait until we are out of hospital to go then we follow later.

What other options are there? How do we decide??

OP posts:
maddening · 16/06/2022 18:24

@MRex

"Sorry, why is it shit for OP? She will have 10 days with one child. It's the DH who will be juggling 2 kids plus luggage on the flight including one who will be super clingy without mum."

It is shit being a parent with a toddler dc in hospital, you have to stay with the dc 100% of the time in hospital, that is shit. They generally don't look after the parent, so she will be doing it with no respite.

I still think the husband should go with the kids but it is still shit to have a toddler in hospital where you have to be 100% of the time with no respite even for getting food and self care such as going to the loo etc.

BobbinHood · 16/06/2022 18:25

I agree with your DH’s plan being the best one and I think you’re being pretty harsh on him.

Darbs76 · 16/06/2022 18:26

I’d do what your husband suggests too, he probably won’t see his sister for some time if he misses her.

luxxlisbon · 16/06/2022 18:27

Your husband is right, if you aren’t actually worried that your toddler is seriously ill then it’s unfair to have the trip ruined for everyone, particularly the once in a lot of years chance to see his sister and family.

As for the guilt trip that you could never leave your ill child but he apparently can, that dramatic language is totally unhelpful. You have 3 children and they all need to be considered, you would have to take it in turns in the hospital anyway as someone need to care for the other children.

logistically and financially it doesn’t make sense to have the hold family flying later and possibly you and toddler still flying separately even then.

Smartiepants79 · 16/06/2022 18:28

DH should go.
I’m not surprised he’s desperately disappointed (and therefore cross) at the thought of being asked to hapuky give up seeing HIS family whilst changing all the plans so that you can see yours.
This is crap, there’s no good solutions that suits everyone.
Also everyone reacts to stressful situations differently. Your DH is reacting by being practical and you’re reacting by being emotional. Sometimes families have to split to make the best of a bad situation.
Several years ago my 2 year old was hospitalised whilst on holiday, on an island. We had to be air evacuated to hospital. My DH had to stay behind because of our other child. He didn’t want to very much but it was the practical option. It didn’t make him a bad person or a bad dad.

Thripp · 16/06/2022 18:29

MajesticElephant · 16/06/2022 18:20

I hope your DD gets better soon. I really can’t understand the other posters perspective who are saying he should go! If I was your DH I would rearrange the trip and your compromise seems like a good one. It’s part and parcel of having children; sometimes you have to prioritise them over other relatives, even your siblings or parents. A child in hospital takes precedent over everything, and you also need support during that time. As you are aware it’s 24:7 and unrelenting (not to mention the lack of sleep!) being the parent in the hospital. Last time I had to do it I didn’t get to wash for the best part of a week!

I agree with this. The separation anxiety alone would swing it for me. I would have been distraught at being separated from my mum when I was a child - especially if someone had suggested I go to Australia with my dad (who is fab) and her not come with us for 10 days. In fact, I don't think my dad would have taken me because he wouldn't have wanted to deal with my upsetness. It's a very big thing to do to a child.

OhmygodDont · 16/06/2022 18:29

I’d think poorly of any parent who still flew off when they had a child who was sick enough to need hospital care and then wouldn’t be fit to fly for another 10days.

nobody to swap with op so she can get a shower or a bite to eat outside of the hospital untill they are allowed home because his flown to the other side of the world rather than moving it back by 10days. It’s still a 4 week trip. Also the other DD doesn’t want to be separated from her mum and sister.

Honestly his only thinking of himself (discounting ds because most children would be upset about a delayed trip because young children and holidays is exciting) Not his sick child, not his wife doing 100% of the care or his child with separation issues.

Friendship101 · 16/06/2022 18:29

I’m also with your DH if toddler isn’t very unwell. It would depend what she is in hospital with though.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 16/06/2022 18:29

Sorry, why is it shit for OP?

Well it's shit to get left behind with a sick child and lose at least 10 days of her first trip home for 2.5 years. And it's shit that her daughter is worried about travelling without her, and her husband is bad tempered with her for being uncertain what the best solution is.

So I definitely think it is shit for her, but in this shitty situation I think the least shitty outcome is for her husband to go ahead with the older kids.

MRex · 16/06/2022 18:29

maddening · 16/06/2022 18:24

@MRex

"Sorry, why is it shit for OP? She will have 10 days with one child. It's the DH who will be juggling 2 kids plus luggage on the flight including one who will be super clingy without mum."

It is shit being a parent with a toddler dc in hospital, you have to stay with the dc 100% of the time in hospital, that is shit. They generally don't look after the parent, so she will be doing it with no respite.

I still think the husband should go with the kids but it is still shit to have a toddler in hospital where you have to be 100% of the time with no respite even for getting food and self care such as going to the loo etc.

It's a couple of days for treatment according to the first post. Presumably a few days at home advised before flying. I'm sure most of us have had some time in hospital with our kids, it's not great but the main issue is worrying about the little one. You really can go to the loo, it's not that dramatic.

butterflied · 16/06/2022 18:32

BonnesVacances · 16/06/2022 18:11

DH wants to head off tomorrow as planned with older DCs. He thinks it's fine to leave me in hospital with the toddler and then us come across later when she is allowed to fly. I think that's easy to say when you're not the one being left literally holding the baby in hospital!! Also, I couldn't leave my ill child like that, just couldn't. Bothers me that it turns out he could.

Your DH isn't leaving an ill child in hospital. He's thinking of the other DC too. If I'm understanding right, you have 3 DC. One in hospital, one who's crying because they want to go, and one who doesn't want to go without you.

I agree his plan is the best one.

This, basically. He goes with your son, and you follow with the two daughters when you can. Holiday not entirely fucked and husband gets to be there for his parents' event and see his sister, who is also flying in.

Hopelesscase32 · 16/06/2022 18:33

100 % your husbands option seems like the best way to go

Cervinia · 16/06/2022 18:36

Sorry mate, I agree with DH too, I would suggest this if it were me.

TabithaTittlemouse · 16/06/2022 18:36

I agree with your Dh.
I’m guessing that your dd isn’t very poorly because everything that you have written makes it sounds like she’s inconveniently unwell.

AmaryIlis · 16/06/2022 18:37

As your toddler isn't seriously ill, I think it's unfair to blame your DH for being prepared to go away. He knows she will be in good hands with you and the hospital, and he can presumably check in often via FaceTime or something similar. If this were just a boys' jolly I could see your point, but it isn't.

diddl · 16/06/2022 18:37

Darbs76 · 16/06/2022 18:26

I’d do what your husband suggests too, he probably won’t see his sister for some time if he misses her.

That's just part & parcel of what happens when you move abroad though-as it seems that his sister has also done.

butterflied · 16/06/2022 18:37

Sorry, just saw that he wants to take both of the older children. I still think it's the most logical option.

tenterden · 16/06/2022 18:38

Without knowing what is wrong with DD it's almost impossible to respond.

If she is not seriously unwell, then yes, DH should go ahead with older DC. You can decide whether or not you can follow on later. Assuming also that you were sensible enough to take out travel insurance.

I hope DD gets better soon Flowers

scoobydo99 · 16/06/2022 18:40

I think people are underestimating the burden of caring for a child in hospital. If you don’t have other support you won’t get a break. I think they should at least wait until you’re home and maybe go on ahead then - assuming your xx won’t require too much extra care.

scoobydo99 · 16/06/2022 18:40

Also presumably op wants to see her famil too - her time will be severely curtailed

MichelleScarn · 16/06/2022 18:41

I want to reschedule all our flights to 10 days later to be certain and reorganise holiday, i.e. still 4 weeks but later. DH says that's impractical and that everything is now planned and booked around these dates. In particular we will miss his sister and family. He is angry at me that I am willing to sacrifice seeing his family.

Is the main point of the trip home not to see family?
Are you getting to see all your family/friends still if you go at the dates you're suggesting?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/06/2022 18:41

What a difficult situation. I hope you poor DD is recovering.
There are no winners, its just going for the least difficult option.

I think the poster above is right when they say a sick child in hospital takes precedent over everything and your DH should realise that.
When my DC3 was in hospital for a week. I lived there.
However, In that situation, DH would be at home with the other DCs. So I also agree with people saying that he's being pragmatic.
However, Do you have any other support in Australia, a friend who would be able to drop in and bring some clean clothes? or sit with DD whilst you go to the cafe?
What do the doctors say about the advisability of DD leaving hospital, and getting on a plane to stay in .. a hotel/ a relative's house rather than going home to recover further? Will she need after checks and is there any chance of a relapse? Are there excursions and events planned and would she be up for them? (ie is it even worth you going and if you can't go, then would DH agree to re arrange. Unless all these questions have positive answers then perhaps DH needs to rethink. A party doesn't really matter so much under the circumstances, what matters is they can see you all when you do turn up. Have another party then. There's probably another solution to seeing his sister if you have to rearrange too. The trouble is the time pressure of tomorrows flight.
There's lots of questions, only you know how much weight to give them and how good your insurance is.
Sorry OP, hope she's better soon and you find a way to resolve this.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 16/06/2022 18:42

How old are the elder two children? How seriously unwell is DD and although she can’t fly for 7-10 days will she be in hospital for all that time or is she likely to be home sooner but just too unwell to fly?

Unless your DD is seriously unwell and possibly not going to recover within the 10 days then and assuming your other two DC aren’t very young (too young to understand why they’re without you) and assuming no drip feed about DH being a completely incapable father who has never had the kids for more than an hour without you then it makes sense for your DP to go as planned with the, tomorrow and for you and DD to follow in 10 days time.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/06/2022 18:43

As long as DD2 is recuperating with no expectation or worry of complications AND I was able to easily get around on my own (to/from hospital and lodging, etc) I would send DH and the other children on their way. Honestly, I think I'd find it easier to just be able to concentrate on DD and myself rather than having to devote 'headspace' to what DH and the other children were thinking or doing, especially if they were going to be upset at the delay.

drawacircleroundit · 16/06/2022 18:44

Let him go.