Help me unfuck this! Child in hospital, long haul trip home tomorrow

[ElfinsMum]

Posting for traffic:

We are in Australia. First trip home in 2.5 years booked for tomorrow. 4 week trip timed with Aus winter school hols. SIL and her kids also flying into UK so we can all celebrate PILs' 50th.

Youngest DD (2) admitted to hospital today unexpectedly. She can't fly for at least a week, maybe 10 days. Docs won't know for sure for another couple of days depending how the treatment goes.

DS is utterly gutted and has been bawling his eyes out all evening and demanding that DH takes him tomorrow anyway. DD1 suffers some separation anxiety and called me earlier to say she would be too anxious to go without me and the baby.

What the hell do we do?

DH wants to head off tomorrow as planned with older DCs. He thinks it's fine to leave me in hospital with the toddler and then us come across later when she is allowed to fly. I think that's easy to say when you're not the one being left literally holding the baby in hospital!! Also, I couldn't leave my ill child like that, just couldn't. Bothers me that it turns out he could.

I want to reschedule all our flights to 10 days later to be certain and reorganise holiday, i.e. still 4 weeks but later. DH says that's impractical and that everything is now planned and booked around these dates. In particular we will miss his sister and family. He is angry at me that I am willing to sacrifice seeing his family.

We have also discussed a compromise option, where DH and older kids wait until we are out of hospital to go then we follow later.

What other options are there? How do we decide??

Look, this situation isn’t the same as missing a stag do or a holiday.

This is a pretty unique situation of living overseas in a country that has basically banned its residents from international travel for over 2 years. This is the BIG ONE, the one trip all of us that have lived through this were waiting for. It’s a long, arduous and expensive journey that can’t easily be rescheduled if you have school aged children. A non-serious sick child situation compares differently in these unique circumstances.

OP, what have the airline said about rebooking DH and the older two for a few days time, just to help get you prepped for your time alone with baby? Is it possible / affordable?

If that was in response to my post, the missed holiday was very similar, it was to visit elderly parents abroad and timed with a birthday party. As was the wedding, an opportunity to get a lot of family together from different countries. But their kids were sick and it’s what your priority is.

And for lots of people, a sick child will always be priority. People do things differently.

@PolishedCrown
I agree. This doesn’t reflect the actions of parents I know IRL. They’ve missed family weddings, stag weekends and holidays when their children have been poorly over the years. Even the parents that I class as quite hard parents.

I have known parents miss all sorts of things when a child has been seriously ill or there's something that's a concern that needs investigating even if it later turns out to be benign. But I've also known plenty of parents to go solo with the other kids on holidays/trips etc. when it's known what's wrong and it's not serious. My nephew and his dad missed a holiday with extended family a few years ago when he broke his leg while his mum brought the nieces. That was planned after the accident as a way to get him more peace in the house for convalescence. And we hosted an old school friend and a couple of his kids from the UK in California while his wife stayed home with their third child who had an ear infection and couldn't fly. So I definitely know people who would do this, and I can't see my DH and me making our other kids miss out if one of them was sick.

I do think the distance probably makes it seem a bit scarier. Oz - UK is a long way and it's not quick to get back at short notice should anything go wrong. But I would expect a competent parent to be able to go solo with one child, even a sick one, for an extended period. It's not as though there aren't thousands of single parents who do this when they need to - not something you'd wish on someone, but not a reason to dash everyone's plans, because it's quite doable.

It sounds as though OP may also be disappointed herself, though and some of that sadness coming through. Possibility she won't get to go back at all (which isn't a rational reason for not wanting anyone to go back, but I can see how it might sting a bit). DH having a ball with other kids while she's missing out and looking after a sick kid. No doubt that that sucks. I do wonder, with the DH being angry about the suggestion they all wait, if the relationship is that solid? Seems like a time for care of each other even when you disagree, not for lashing out. So is this a bigger "fight" about OP always getting the crappier aspects of childcare?

The family is keeping one parent with the sick child. They aren't not prioritizing the sick child. Prioritizing doesn't have to mean you bring the life of 5 people to standstill for 10 days for a non serious illness that requires a wait time to travel. Divide and conquer is also a way to prioritize.

I would let DH go along with the other children, less for you to worry about back home. Prior to that though, there is no reason why he cannot go grocery shopping (and take the children with him if not at school) and stock the pantry and fridge for your return.

that way you only have to concentrate on yourself (pre packed bag, shower when bub is asleep). Taxi or uber back home when being discharged. Both of you follow when bub is up for the trip.

Are your parents fit enough to fly? And is there enough money in the pot to fly them to Oz (depending on quarantine rules in your state)?

I know you want to present your toddler to their grand parents all clean and well and shiny (Sorry this is not a time to joke) but could they fly out for a week to give you a bit of a break?

How old are the older children? As you are, I assume, going to relatives could they fly solo and your DH stay?

Sorry I'm just throwing ideas down in the hope something could be useful.

No, this would be for everyone, it wouldn’t work for us. 🤓

No, this wouldn’t be for everyone, it wouldn’t work for us. 🤓

But it's not just a trip, it's a trip specifically planned around DH's parents' 50th wedding anniversary, which is a pretty significant occasion. If they (are even able to find another flight) all reschedule to fly out 10 or whatever days later, they will miss this occasion, for which other family members are flying in from elsewhere overseas, and thus miss out on seeing them also.

The OP has said it's not serious, which doesn't mean it's not worrying. But I can see why the DH would rather go as planned and take the older children.

I think your concerns are valid. It's really shit being in hospital with a small kid. Ideally there would be two parents for exactly the reasons you mention.
But, at the same time, there are other considerations and other children and I think I would want my DH and older kids to travel and I'd suck up the shittiness.

Your husbands right, his plan is the most sensible.

I have to say, despite your update on your concerns, I'm team DP. I am also a Brit living in Aus and haven't been home for 3 years and appreciate how difficult it's been. If your toddler isn't seriously ill then you should let them go. You can do some quick prep work to make your life easier being with the little one alone. Get a suitcase of clothes brought to you so you have enough for a few days, do an online shop for when you are home, get a one off house clean etc. If you have to leave your toddler with a nurse for a short time then they will have ways of distracting them until you come back...you will see tears when you leave but that is usually very short lived. I don't think it's fair for your husband to miss seeing his family in this scenario...if your toddler was seriously ill I would think differently.

Whereabouts are you? If you are in WA happy to help dropping things off at the hospital for you

I agree your concerns are valid but can be overcome. Get your DH to sort out the house, food, clothes etc for you before he goes. A toddler being upset for a few minutes every day (or two) while you shower is not ideal, but not worth ruining the holiday over.

You seem reluctant to rely on others for help and I totally get that, but this is one of those times where you should be kind to yourself, and accept any and all help. Most people are happy to step up when asked.

I agree with dh. Ask him to drop what you need at hospital. (Presumably he will say goodby) arrange a good shop for when you get back.

Thanks again everyone and to the fellow sand gropers for offers of help 😀🙏

DH and older kids are flying out tonight. Toddler and I have rebooked for next week on consultant's advice. We seem to be in the running for most expensive economy trip on Qantas ever but hey, it's just money.

I have also reached out to friends to come in daily for the rest of our hospital stay.

Feeling much more confident today. Thanks for helping me get to a better, stronger place Mumsnet.

@ElfinsMum You posted this yesterday so today is the day of the flight.

Did husband and older kids leave today? Or did they stay to reschedule?

I can understand your dh wanting to not miss seeing his sister and family and so if he decided to leave today I hope you find a way to be ok with it.

As a single mum who has had to look after a sick child, take her to hospital etc on my own and sometimes I’ve been so sick with flu I don’t know how I ended up managing, but I did. And I didn’t have family nearby to support me and as I had relocated from interstate I didn’t really know anyone to ask for help.

You will be able to cope on your own and you can do this. So, don’t worry too much.

Crosspost, glad you are feeling more confident and have friends who will come to the hospital to help you.

OMG I had forgotten 'sand gropers'.

OP this is what friends are for.

My carer always says, "friends help you move, good friends help you move bodies".

Glad you have a plan.

Hope all goes well..💐

Good on you Elfinsmum, that’s the way forward. Yes airfares are horrendous esp on the eve of a trip.

Are you a member of a frequent flyer plan?

Many lone parents manage sick children alone with no family nearby. You just do it. I think the compromise sounds reasonable.

I'm so glad you've reached out to friends. Hope DD is feeling much better.