Help me unfuck this! Child in hospital, long haul trip home tomorrow

[ElfinsMum]

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We are in Australia. First trip home in 2.5 years booked for tomorrow. 4 week trip timed with Aus winter school hols. SIL and her kids also flying into UK so we can all celebrate PILs' 50th.

Youngest DD (2) admitted to hospital today unexpectedly. She can't fly for at least a week, maybe 10 days. Docs won't know for sure for another couple of days depending how the treatment goes.

DS is utterly gutted and has been bawling his eyes out all evening and demanding that DH takes him tomorrow anyway. DD1 suffers some separation anxiety and called me earlier to say she would be too anxious to go without me and the baby.

What the hell do we do?

DH wants to head off tomorrow as planned with older DCs. He thinks it's fine to leave me in hospital with the toddler and then us come across later when she is allowed to fly. I think that's easy to say when you're not the one being left literally holding the baby in hospital!! Also, I couldn't leave my ill child like that, just couldn't. Bothers me that it turns out he could.

I want to reschedule all our flights to 10 days later to be certain and reorganise holiday, i.e. still 4 weeks but later. DH says that's impractical and that everything is now planned and booked around these dates. In particular we will miss his sister and family. He is angry at me that I am willing to sacrifice seeing his family.

We have also discussed a compromise option, where DH and older kids wait until we are out of hospital to go then we follow later.

What other options are there? How do we decide??

I know my PIL better than you. But yes, they would feel it’s wrong for their son to leave his child. As would my partner. My partner wouldn’t feel they were pressuring him because they’re not like that. Sick child first, different priorities.

Do your in laws live at the other side of the world though? Have they not had any contact for years? Otherwise you can’t answer that equally! It’s been established that the child in hospital is not seriously ill. One of the other children is distraught at the thought of not going - doesn’t he matter? It’s not ideal, under normal circumstances, when families are in the same country, or even continent, it’s easier to rearrange, or pop over and back. It’s really hard when you live half way around the world from family.

Another vote for DH suggestion here and I’ve had my kid in hospital a few times as a baby and toddler. Once we’d got over the “she’s going to get better” news DH went back to normal and I hung out in the hospital until she could come home (in one case it was a fortnight).

I am sorry unless your toddler is gravely ill if it was me I would suggest myself he left with the older kids so they could all match the school break and he could see his sister. It’s not as if two parents can be in the hospital at once. Lx

My partners parents have lived in New Zealand for many years and my family are in Italy and the US. We haven’t seen them since before lockdown.

Also let's not forget the DS who is very upset and desperate to go, it is a whole family issue.

To the pp who said they don't keep in for shits and giggles, with babies there is a lot lower criteria for admittance. Plus ear infection, chicken pox, broken bone could all cause a 10 day wait before flying .

I think DH suggestion is a good one. It would be a nice bonding experience for him and the older ones and you can focus on your younger one for a bit.

I would expect your dp to still go with the older dc. One parent managing one dc in hospital is not too bad. Would your middle dc be OK with a bit of jollying along? It sounds like her worry might have been reactive to your mood.

He can go in 10 days. Explain his sister is poorly, and get him counting down the days til he goes. Im very soft with my children but they never got to demand daddy took them anywhere.

My partner wouldn’t feel they were pressuring him because they’re not like that. Sick child first, different priorities

What about the other DC? What about their happiness and expectations? Do they also stand stoically by the bedside of a toddler who's not seriously poorly?

Many people on this thread will have faced the awfulness of having a child in hospital and know what it entails, practically and emotionally.

The DH here is doing the right, sensible, loving thing.

Of course. My family knows we are both competent adults and that it is a difficult situation with competing needs. They would be thinking of everyone in the family and support us in a decision that makes the best of it.

The child isn't seriously ill and will have a parent with them and it is more of a waiting game than an ill healh issue at this point. No one has the view in my family that women are fragile or weak and can't be left alone to manage on their own or can't cope with travelling alone or can't be without a man. And I would 100% want my husband and kids to go - don't need everyone sitting at home for ten days missing seeing family and a 50th anniversary while waiting out a period to fly.

Making lots of assumptions here, but assuming the parents with the anniversary are DH parents, and the SIL is DH sister, and he's a capable competent father then he should go with the other DC's

Also assuming your child in hospital has something like a broken leg/appendix out, something like that then you'll be fine until she can travel.

Sounds like the child will be out of hospital in a day or two and then they have a wait at home to be able to fly. No point everyone in the family sitting in the house for a week missing everything.

Unless there is a massive drip feed on the way, of course it makes most sense for DH to go now. Toddler in hospital with mum.

He gets to go in 10 days. I’ve had a child in hospital multiple times, my partner wouldn’t choose that time to visit family regardless of what party was happening or who was visiting.

Anyway, this is about OP. She is bothered that her husband would leave their sick child, she’s entitled to feel that way and want him to stay. Other opinions are also valid.

Your DH is right. I think older DC should go with him.

If you need support while DD2 is in hospital, do you have friends you can call on?

Sorry that this is happening, hope your DD2 is better soon

Yes that's what I mean @Midlifemusings everybody else should go!

I think your dh and ds go as planned. If dd1 can't be cajoled she stays at home with you and the baby and has a very boring time.

My dh would have gone in the circus because he knows I am a capable and independent woman. And I'd have wanted him to go and would have strongly encouraged dd 1to go because she'd have a great time in the UK with grandparents and cousins and lots of attention whereas at home she'd be helping with a poorly, bored sister and not able to go out much because sister was recovering.

But if he does he will miss the main reason he is going, to see his sister and for the family party.

Of course you know your PiL better than me.

You just describe a situation in which your DH was contemplating flying, so I did assume he was actually wanting to take your other kids as the OP's DH does. Not a situation which doesn't mirror the OP's in which he felt so beholden to his parents that he would leave you and his sick child even though the two of you felt it would be better if he stayed.

I know. I’ve read OPs posts. 👍

But they’ll still have 4 weeks with the other family. To be honest, the damage is probably done. OP already knows her husband would leave his child and that’s bothered her. He also shown anger towards her for this. Nice guy.

As long as your basic needs can be met - ie you can eat and sleep, I think your dh should take your two eldest.

DHs suggestion seems fine …..can’t see your problem

Your dh and the older dc should go now. Hopefully you can follow later. Hope your dd is better soon.

Just echoing what everyone else has said. If your DH goes with your other DC they all get to see his sister. If they wait they all miss out on that. You aren't being fair on them or his family expecting them to stay. Let them go and follow them as soon as you're able. You're not thinking straight if you can't see that is the best plan for everyone.