Help me unfuck this! Child in hospital, long haul trip home tomorrow

[ElfinsMum]

Posting for traffic:

We are in Australia. First trip home in 2.5 years booked for tomorrow. 4 week trip timed with Aus winter school hols. SIL and her kids also flying into UK so we can all celebrate PILs' 50th.

Youngest DD (2) admitted to hospital today unexpectedly. She can't fly for at least a week, maybe 10 days. Docs won't know for sure for another couple of days depending how the treatment goes.

DS is utterly gutted and has been bawling his eyes out all evening and demanding that DH takes him tomorrow anyway. DD1 suffers some separation anxiety and called me earlier to say she would be too anxious to go without me and the baby.

What the hell do we do?

DH wants to head off tomorrow as planned with older DCs. He thinks it's fine to leave me in hospital with the toddler and then us come across later when she is allowed to fly. I think that's easy to say when you're not the one being left literally holding the baby in hospital!! Also, I couldn't leave my ill child like that, just couldn't. Bothers me that it turns out he could.

I want to reschedule all our flights to 10 days later to be certain and reorganise holiday, i.e. still 4 weeks but later. DH says that's impractical and that everything is now planned and booked around these dates. In particular we will miss his sister and family. He is angry at me that I am willing to sacrifice seeing his family.

We have also discussed a compromise option, where DH and older kids wait until we are out of hospital to go then we follow later.

What other options are there? How do we decide??

Suggest you go with the eldest DC and he stays with the little one. Base your decision on his reponse to that.

I think he's right. Surely the kids will be ok having adventure with their dad for 10 days.

(If not, why?)

Suggest you go with the eldest DC and he stays with the little one

But it's the DH's family they're visiting, and his sister - he hasn't seen them for years. That would be a very skewed 'test.'

He is going for his parents 50th anniversary party and to see his sister and her family. It would be an extremely bizarre idea to suggest he stay behind and OP go to his family events and spend time with his family

I wouldn't let DD1 decide. OP is currently occupied at the hospital with a 2 year old. Her DD doesn't sound old enough to be alone so OP would have to arrange childcare and have her looked after. Much better the child be with her father.

If DD1 is old enough to be home alone while OP is at the hospital - then I agree with letting her decide.

It isn't fair on OP to have to look after DD1 and be at the hospital with DD2

+1 for DH

What, you can’t put yourself out for ten days to let your husband go? Your husband who you apparently love, and want the best for?

God everything is so transactional on here. “No he can’t see his family because it’s not faaaaaair on meeeee”

Wow, thank you for all the replies. I haven't read through everything yet but someone asked what I am scared of:

I am scared of being left alone in hospital with toddler with no support. I will get no clean clothes, no food deliveries, no showers (at least not without DD2 screaming for me with a nurse she doesn't know) until we are discharged. I have done several hospital stays with my kids here and in UK and we have always found it takes 2 parents.

I am a bit nervous about being at home alone 24/7 with a recovering child for a week. We have v little food in for example because I had food planned for the trip. We don't have all that much support here... basically asking neighbours/ acquaintances to do the work of family (and I leaned on our neighbours a lot recently when we all had Covid).

I am also nervous that DD2 may not actually recover enough for us to go at all and I won't get to introduce my parents to her (which for me and them is the main purpose of the trip).

Good to see you back, OP. What is wrong with your LO? That would help to give better advice about coping.

I am also nervous that DD2 may not actually recover enough for us to go at all and I won't get to introduce my parents to her (which for me and them is the main purpose of the trip)

ok so basically if you can’t go, no one goes?

I am also nervous that DD2 may not actually recover enough for us to go at all and I won't get to introduce my parents to her (which for me and them is the main purpose of the trip).

Yet in your OP the reason was PIL 50th anniversay and DH seeing his sister.

So you aren't bothered about that then.

I’m on the fence. And I’m a migrant also in Aus - which every person who refers to this trip as a ‘holiday’ clearly isn’t, they have no idea what a terrible heartache it is to be so far from family for years. Going home isn’t a jolly.

How long will you be in hospital, do you know? It’s very hard to have nobody to bring you food or clean clothes or to swap out for a bit so you can go home and have a shower and so on. Stress levels are through the roof with a kid in hospital - I work in PICU - and even a ‘normal’ (ie not critically ill) hospital admission is actually a very abnormal event for the average kid and their family. Recovery time at home will be ok, you can get things delivered or ask for help. You’d help out a local mum in the same position, let others do that for you.

i don’t think it’s feasible for the other kid to stay if your husband does go though. You can’t have one child at home and one in hospital.

whatever is decided it’s not ok for your husband to be angry with you. You didn’t create this shitty situation and this sort of difficulty is part and parcel of being a migrant.

OP, I think, with all due respect, you are focusing too much on how you will cope, how nervous you are, and how worried you might not be able to go at all. I get all this, truly, but you are the adult here and, actually, you can do this (as stressful as it could be).

What about DS? This trip sounds like it’s an absolutely momentous adventure for him, and he’s a child, and doesn’t have all the coping mechanisms yet to handle this last minute delay/cancellation. Can you look past your fears and worries and do this for him?

I’ve lived abroad, alone (DH ‘commuted’ between countries for years) and have dealt with hospital trips, lone parent flights and all the rest in a country I don’t even speak the language of. I know your fears, but you do have an inner strength that will get you through. And you’ll probably find that you’ll grow from it too 😉

Surely neighbours would bring you clothes and get shopping in? Or you could get a delivery? Or your DH could get some food in and drop you in clean clothes before they leave? Honestly, it feels like you are putting barriers in the way because you don't want your DH to go. And you don't want your DH to go because you don't want to be alone. That's a bit selfish given the circumstances. Your DHs plan is the best one. Let him go. Then try to join him later.

I really sympathise, OP - but I also think your DH needs to go ahead.

It's all very well saying rebook the whole family, but isn't that difficult at the moment with a lack of planes in the air? I'm in NZ and we're all off to the UK in a couple of weeks - we've been told if anything prevents us from getting on the plane there is little to no chance of rebooking in the next six weeks.

I know.

OP let your family go and have a good time, without the burden of any guilt trips.

What did they say was wrong with her?

I'm with your DH here. Tell them to go and have a good time.

You'll be fine by yourself. Don't worry about leaving DD to take a shower or go home and get some clean clothes. Your DD isn't the only child the staff has looked after or that has cried when a parent has left. They can handle it.

Ring Coles or Woolies and get a delivery for food and things.
I take it the car will be there for you to drive too.

You'll be fine.

Don't worry about leaving DD to take a shower or go home and get some clean clothes. Your DD isn't the only child the staff has looked after or that has cried when a parent has left. They can handle it.

There you go OP, you just need to not worry. 🙄

Hi OP, given your update about lack of support etc, and your concerns that your DD might not recover in time, I think that you should ask your DH to reconsider rebooking and going when your DD is well enough.
10 days is a long time for 2 year old to be in a hospital.
I hope you find a solution.

Will he come home early if your daughter doesn’t recover enough? Or does he know he is potentially leaving his daughter for 4 weeks and therefore your other children won’t see you for 4 weeks either?
What are the chances of her not being able to fly?

10 days is a long time for 2 year old to be in a hospital

I don't think the OP has said she'll be in hospital that long - just that she might not be able to fly for a week or so. The OP has said it's not serious.

Where are you OP? If I’m close enough to you I can help with anything, otherwise happy to get you Uber eats or woolies deliveries to help.

Surprised at the majority view that DH and eldest should go and leave OP and child behind. If we were in the same situation as OP we would delay trip and travel together. No way would DH travel half way round the world when DD is unwell. Your DS needs to stop the dramatics and your DH should stop pandering to him.

Sorry OP what a horrible position to be in. Wish your DD a speedy recovery. And

• Posted too soon

And for you

I agree. This doesn’t reflect the actions of parents I know IRL. They’ve missed family weddings, stag weekends and holidays when their children have been poorly over the years. Even the parents that I class as quite hard parents.