DP making me look bad infront of his kids

[Louisana6]

DP lives with me. He has his children for tea today. Not an overnight contact just tea.

I asked him to consider taking them out for their tea today as opposed to coming here. I'm on my period and having an endo flare up so I'm feeling very rough. Changing pads every 45 minutes due to flooding and very conscious of it.

It's a small living room and everybody piles on top of each other as there isn't a garden. I'm just not up to entertaining boisterous kids today.

He agreed. I suggested a picnic and kick about in the park if they fancied that. He collects them from school and returns here to get the sandwiches etc.

They arrive and eldest is as red as a beetroot so clearly suffering in the hot weather. I haven't been outside so didn't realise how hot it was. I say to DP "don't worry about taking them out, it's obviously alot hotter than I thought and he's suffering. Have tea here"

He replies within earshot of them "well you made it clear we couldn't sit in here"

What a way to alienate me and make me look like the stereotypical wicked step mother.

He was being unreasonable saying that infront of them wasn't he?

They were already out at school. They could have gone straight from school to McD's or to an ice creamery, or to somewhere. Anywhere. They were already out so could have gone straight on from school to somewhere nice and cool.

I haven't read thru the thread (MN is shit these days)

Fuck him. Hasn't he got a home to go to?

I've been where you are with no kids involved and I couldn't even bend down to feed my cats or empty their litter trays. DH has bought me so much sanpro he could answer questions on Mastermind!

McDonalds maybe? the kids would probably prefer it - although you cock-lodger might not like digging deep to pay 99p for a burger🤔

No, you are making that up. No where - no where at all in this thread, has she even suggested such a thing, let alone mentioned it.

And she only even mentioned it was her home, when others asked her.

Except the OP has clearly bent over backwards making sure he and his children are welcome.

And not one thing she has said says otherwise.

Um maybe you should have read it, it is his home 😂

You’re unreasonable because that should have been the first option - not something that you were forced to do because it was so hot outside.

The language you’ve used throughout your posts is really telling - this very much comes across as your home, not one you’re sharing. When you have children, your needs have to come second where it’s possible. And it was possible - as you demonstrated. You may not have children but your partner does and it’s his home too. He only gets to see his kids on certain days of the week, being ejected out of the home for the afternoon/evening is unfair when there was a perfectly practical solution.

So yes, imo you were unreasonable. I’m sorry you’re having a flare up, I know personally how rough it is. I genuinely think the issue at the heart of this is the fact it was your sole home - you even admitted in one of your posts that you might feel differently if you’d moved into a house together….

but arsehole is all in one!

There you are @Alb0

Why be so argumentative when you’ve obviously not even read the op’s posts. She literally says, right here ‘they are visitors/guests, aren’t they?’

Wow....

You clearly haven't read any of OP's posts to come up with such a warped view. And, most people agree with her.

@Alb0 she said But they are visitors/guests aren't they?

Oh I'm glad you asked!

So before he went to pick up the kids he suggested he give me a call once he had them to tell me what sandwiches they wanted - so I could make them for them.

I immediately nipped that in the bud and asked whether he was having a laugh as I'm clearly not well nor up to making everybody's packed lunch. I made it clear he'd be making the sandwiches.

I asked him whether he realised he was being a CF and he said "Oh, OK sorry I'll make them"

So why insist I’m making it up when it’s obviously written right there? It just makes you look stupid.

Where does she say her DP is a visitor/guest? Which is the original point you made?

She agreed it was a point that she sees the space as her own, and views the children as guests. And has also agreed that them living together in this situation is problematic. You’re trying to pick an argument you can’t back up and it’s making you look silly.

You’re unreasonable because that should have been the first option

No, it shouldn't have been. The first option should have been her partner realising she was ill and taking the kids elsewhere, like any quarter decent human being and partner would do, especially as this is the first time she made such a simple and reasonable request.

And that isn’t the point I made. I said she sees it as her place and the kids as visitors.

I think this is the very crux of the issue. DP clearly is being treated like a visitor in his own home as OP still considers it to be hers alone.
He's ACTING like a visitor in her home - he pays 'towards' the rent, but not always, & pays NOTHING for all bills, including OP's (25% more expensive due to him) council tax. OP doesn't even confirm what proportion of her rent he contributes - possibly because it's embarrassingly small. She speaks of "subsidising" him, because she is aware money is tight & wants him to be able to look after his kids.

She also - between the lines - indicates that he kind of slid into living with her by default, when his room-with-a-friend & parents-helping-out options closed. Cohabitation by stealth is a classic cocklodger move.

It would be far better for DP to find his own place so restrictions are t being put on his limited time with his kids. Probably would make OP happier too?
Totally agree.
How OP will manage that is moot though, if the partner cannot afford to house himself, & has never looked after his DC solo without aid from OP or his parents. No doubt she will be painted the villain again, emotionally backmailed, & triangulated for having the temerity to want her partner to stand on his own two feet. (Even for a couple of hours when she is unwell, let alone fend for himself full time).

They see him twice a week ouldnt you have went upstairs out of the way? Is it not his home? If I were him I'd be rethinking the relationship.

He shouldn't have said it but it was true.

So he was unreasonable but I think you were unreasonable too for not just taking yourself up to bed with a book or whatever for a couple of hours.

The more I think about it the more I genuinely can't imagine a situation where my partner told me I wasn't allowed in the house with my own kids because he wasn't feeling well and I was okay with that. He'd have been sent to bed or I'd have said a lot more than your DH did, but that's just me.

He still shouldn't have said it in front of the kids though.

No, you're trying to pick an argument. I asked where she said her DP was a guest. She never said her DP was a guest or that she treated him as one. In fact, she said she has always made him and the kids feel welcome.

@Alb0

I said she saw the kids as guests. Which she does. You’re just looking sillier and sillier by the minute.

You genuinely can't see a time when you'd love your husband/partner to take your kids out of your hair for a few hours?

Really?

I disagree.

OP said she views the children as “ guests.”

She also said it would be different if they moved into a house together and admitted she still hasn’t adjusted to sharing her space.

Go back and read her posts.

I’m not being purposefully unkind to OP. Endo flare ups are rough. But given all of her comments it seems clear that she hasn’t transitioned from it being “her” house to a home she shares. And that’s in her own words. So I’ve not created any narrative that OP hasn’t said herself.

Your children shouldn’t be treated as guests in your own home. They may not be OP’s children, but they’re her partner’s children. And it’s supposed to now be his home too. His children shouldn’t be mere “guests” who can be shooed out when it’s not convenient- that’s not how parenting works. And unfortunately if you share your home with a parent, you have to suck it up. Or live separately. Choices.

What the hell!

So he was well aware that you have been suffering and in bed for a few days but asks you to make the picnic!!

@Louisana6 He is not a good man. He cannot effectively parent his own DC without help.

I bet that when they do come to you, that you are cooking their meals and probably taking the lead on entertaining them.

What exactly do you mean by this??

If you "want the place to yourself" now wonder you're partner said that how awful for the kids you sound like you resent them and if that's the case you need to think about being someone with children