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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave children for 3 and a half months?

1000 replies

elbigbx · 16/06/2022 11:44

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
elbigbx · 16/06/2022 11:58

Thanks everyone. Very mixed opinions.

Just for clarity, I've realised I've put work placement but it isn't a work placement. It's to study at a sister university, so I would get free accommodation with bills included and would use my student finance for food etc.

OP posts:
Reallyreallyborednow · 16/06/2022 11:59

Can you take them? It would be a great opportunity at that age.

obviously you’ll need someone to go with for childcare, don’t suppose dad is open to that? 😂😂

or time it so it’s over school holidays so they could be out there with you part of the time? Hire a temp nanny or get a relative to accompany?

Twizbe · 16/06/2022 11:59

I'd go for sure.

They will have a great time with dad and you can tack a holiday onto the start and end of it as well.

JanisMoplin · 16/06/2022 11:59

Their needs and wants can be satisfied by their dad for 3 months. It's hardly ages.

Original poster
elbigbx · 16/06/2022 11:59

@JanisMoplin that has just made me tear up a little! thank you so much.

OP posts:
Yikesafhutt · 16/06/2022 12:00

Go for it! Mumsnet is full of mums who co sleep and never spend an hour away from their kids. They're old enough to understand and face time and they'll be with their dad!

Mumoftwoinprimary · 16/06/2022 12:00

I wouldn’t because it would make me unhappy. I don’t care enough about my career to be unhappy for it,

Hugasauras · 16/06/2022 12:00

I think I'd find it too hard being away for that length of time (which surprises me now as pre-kids I was sure I would be absolutely zen about this kind of thing!). But it is a great opportunity, and only you know how you will feel about it and how it might affect your girls. The latter depends a lot on their personalities, relationship with their dad, etc.

Hoppinggreen · 16/06/2022 12:00

Are you the Resident parent?
if so then I wouldn’t do it and I would say that whatever your sex. It’s not about that it’s about who the children spend most of their time with

coffeecupsandfairylights · 16/06/2022 12:01

No, I wouldn't do it and I'd say the same if a man was posting.

I don't agree with having children and then not being around for weeks on end unless you have absolutely no choice (illness, for example).

I especially wouldn't leave them just to study abroad.

AquaticSewingMachine · 16/06/2022 12:02

When I was childfree, I would 100% have done it.

My DC are similar ages to you, and I would not. I'm happy to leave mine for short periods, I just had a 3 day minibreak on my own in fact, but I just don't want a life where I would be away from them for that long. Nor would DH, who has also arranged his work life so that he doesn't travel. He had to do some 5-day trips a few years back and hated being away from us.

I wouldn't judge you if you did do it. But for me it would be in the "not an option, I have young DC" box even though I'm very career-driven.

cestlavielife · 16/06/2022 12:02

Go for it , go to europe come back every two weeks

Flatandhappy · 16/06/2022 12:03

Yes I would go, your children will be with their dad. If it was a dad asking I would guess most people would be saying of course go because the kids would be with mum. Bearing in mind you are separated I think it would be an especially good opportunity for the kids and dad to bond and maybe for dad to have a better understanding of what 24/7 means.

RuthW · 16/06/2022 12:04

If it was optional no, I wouldn't even think about it.

Compulsory then I'd go.

InChocolateWeTrust · 16/06/2022 12:04

They won't even remember your absence when they're older

At 4 and 7? Of course they will. She will be gone for 3 months.

Mariposista · 16/06/2022 12:04

Hi OP. You sound brilliant, getting your education and making yourself employable in order to give your kids a better life. Sometime as parents we have to do things that make us uncomfortable, knowing that in the long term everyone will benefit. As you have such a great ex partner who will care for the girls, and that you will probably be able to see them EOW, yes, you should go. If this was their dad doing it, he would go, it makes no difference that you are the mum (no matter what the MN ers will say - they are probably just thinking of themselves and how THEY would be upset).
You can turn this into an adventure that your girls are part of - make a scrapbook and every two weeks show them what you have been doing. If your ex or a GP can bring them for one of those weekends so they can see where you are, that might be good too.
Love ambitious mums OP - you have my support

Isitsixoclockalready · 16/06/2022 12:05

This really is something that only you can decide. What other people think is immaterial because that is their own feelings and emotions, not yours. The good thing is that there is clearly a support network there to allow you to make that decision. The only way of looking at it is to try and imagine yourself in a few years time and consider whether you would regret not doing it.

Original poster
elbigbx · 16/06/2022 12:05

@Hoppinggreen We have 50/50 custody so they spend their time with us equally. They are complete daddy's girls and dote on him, as he does them. I think if I told them they were spending 3 months at dads they would jump for joy lol

OP posts:
RedCarsGoFaster · 16/06/2022 12:05

Go. You'll never get another chance.

Your children will have a grand time with their Dad by the sounds of it. You're not dumping them on the door of someone they barely know or into the care of social services.

I highly doubt a male parent would think twice about this. Why should a female parent have to miss out on life because she has no penis?

If you're comfortable that you're kids will be safe, loved and comforted, take a few weeks out for yourself.

Can you come back in an emergency / plan to pop home at some point?

purplecorkheart · 16/06/2022 12:06

Nope I probably wouldn't a friend of mine husband worked abroad for a while and I saw first hand the upset it caused their daughter.
Also after Covid I would be worried about not being able to get home easily if their was another outbreak.

Mamai90 · 16/06/2022 12:09

Sorry, there's no way I could do this. Probably not what you wanted to hear but it's too long.

RedCarsGoFaster · 16/06/2022 12:09

Tbh, I'm pragmatic about this. I'm a military wife so I see parents come and go all the time and see how kids just crack on with life because it's their normality.

It's normal for so many families for a parent to work away in all sorts of industries.

The hand wringing tends to come from people with no direct knowledge or experience of it, or from families who managed it poorly and failed and failed to support the kids and made a meal of it.

FilterWash · 16/06/2022 12:09

You have to make your own decision. I wouldn't do it. And I am quite career-focused.

icantgetno · 16/06/2022 12:09

This reply has been deleted

The OP has been recognised in real life and asked for their posts to be removed.

nightshade · 16/06/2022 12:09

My father used to travel regularly for work....most at one time was 8 weeks...i hated it...cried...felt very unsettled...

My husband has done a few trips away with work...my daughters who are much older than yours hated it...

They would be devastated if i went for 3 and a half months ..

My friend's friend went off to work....he had to come back....daughter did not cope at all well..

Don't underestimate how long 3 and a half months feel to small children..

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