To leave children for 3 and a half months?

[elbigbx]

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

yes. Op might not get the opportunity ever again

I am sure that OP will get the opportunity to go abroad many times in her life. She doesn't have to leave her young children for three and a half months to do it.

As said many times on this thread it's not going to improve her prospects. It's entirely so OP can have a child free fun time.

OP said that the accommodation would be free for her (and flights home ‘only’ £50 every other week)-can I ask if it’s usual for the accommodation to be free?

Is it ok if dad wants to go to learn kitesurfing In Tarifa for 3 months because it’s an experience, an amazing opportunity he won’t get again & will develop him as a person? He’ll be more confident, more skilled, more employable & more tanned. And he’ll be a better dad & role model to his DC?
If mum wants to do the same next year & learn how to salsa in Cuba for a few months she should do! Why not? Kids will have face time & a pillow with her photo on it. Happy parents happy kids. No guilt household. Kids know it’s for them. They don’t mind because we’re leaving them for them. And they’ll be grateful too.

Interesting developments in me-culture.

@Howshouldibehave

OP said that the accommodation would be free for her (and flights home ‘only’ £50 every other week)-can I ask if it’s usual for the accommodation to be free?

It sounds like what was the Erasmus Scheme now Turing Scheme - where participating universities offer students free accommodation in order to study there (various European locations). Is reciprocal so participating uni’s will accept students back. You can go for a month up to 6. You can get a grant if you have kids but it is fixed regardless of number of kids you have. Accommodation is a room in halls. Not difficult to get on. Not very subscribed so not viewed as an award or achievement to have been picked. Myself & 2 others only ones who applied in my year.
Most employers know what it is. If you don’t learn any other skills or like becoming fluent in a language that you can use in your work, you’re no more employable than someone else just because you wanted to study in the Sun.

As said many times on this thread it's not going to improve her prospects. It's entirely so OP can have a child free fun time.

You have certainly said it many times.

Same. & just hit that age range where questions are being asked. But been part of their life since day 1 & won’t be changing anytime soon. Short space of time compared to the 2 years we have just done but I know given the time I spend with them because of this it would be a much harder decision to make. Look at the much bigger picture. Work prospects. More security for the future.
& you have a supportive ex who will happily help you through.
Daily FaceTime is a game changer compared with several years ago & weekly communication though. That was hard when face to face was 6 months away.

Yeah, this thread has been eye opening. It’s amazing what level of self-absorbtion people can convince themselves is actually a virtue.

I think all the duff about children being damaged is ridiculous.
If the children are looked after by an attentive and caring dad, then there is nothing wrong in improving your own opportunities, even if it is for experience purposes. Many people in the UK unfamiliar with cultures beyond their own and this is tangible in organisations which deals with people.
I suspect no-one would bat an eye if the OP was a man.

I think this is completely untrue. Kids gain stability from their parents being ‘there’ ( with the exception of course of neglectful and abusive parents) The idea that it’s quality over quantity, if that’s the case why do Disney dads get such stick then? Anyone can spend a short amount of time with their kids being brilliant, buying presents, having fun times. A little kids day is a complete rollercoaster of fears/worries/tantrums/sometimes illness as well as all the lovely emotions and excitements.

It was most definitely rude. To accuse me of being a liar and attack my credentials because I made a statement that doesn't fit with your worldview is both unnecessary and rude. For some reason you want to believe that the primary carer can leave children of that age for that long and it won't be damaging to them. That doesn't make it true. To imply that I am either not qualified, or just out of date as another poster did, is both wrong and offensive. The wellbeing of children has, regrettably, been sidelined so that adults can do what works for them. If somebody chooses to do that, they are fully entitled to do so, but lets not pretend that it doesn't have an effect on the children. This collective decision to blur the truth when it's uncomfortable or inconvenient doesn't serve anybody well, least of all children.

I was left for 3 weeks over my 4th birthday. I sure as hell remember everything about it! Not sure I was damaged but it was certainly a massive deal. My memories of those 3 weeks are very very vivid in a way my memories of the rest of that time period are not.

On balance it’s a no. You should have done this before having kids if it meant that much to you. I have teens now and wouldn’t even do it now unless it was essential to support the family. Would think the same about a father too.

I was an international solicitor and every decent family person did all they could to avoid long stints away hence why I as a young single person got to live overseas for weeks and was sent at the drop of hat. The (male) partners supported me from London - they didn’t want to be away from their wives and families. Fair enough.

The idea that it’s quality over quantity, if that’s the case why do Disney dads get such stick then?

Because they generally don’t pull their weight, particularly financially. It’s in no way comparable to the other parent taking over the care for three months, particularly an obviously non Disney dad.

I'm just returning to this thread because I've been thinking about it a lot.
I initially expressed I wouldn't leave them, and I absolutely stand by that. 4 is SUCH a young age and you're clearly the parent they spend the most time with and you said they are your world, so I'm assuming very close relationship. As adults we may be happy with zoom or FaceTime or a random weekend here and there but for a 4 year old? It's just not enough and it's just not fair.
I'm sorry. I'm not judging you for thinking about this btw so I'm sorry if it's coming across that way

As a father, I wouldn't be away for so long at that age, just for my own benefit. It might be different if it was made a condition of my employment, but then if my employer tried to force me to be away from my kids for 3 months, that might even prompt me to rethink whether the job was right for me - for us. Because my kids' needs are just as important; being a parent often means sacrificing what we want for their good.

I would do it, especially if you're able to visit every fortnight. The children will still be with their other parent.

I think you should absolutely go for it. They will be safe and we’ll cared for with their dad. You can talk to them every day on FaceTime and see them in person every other weekend. If you handle this right it will not have a traumatic effect on them at all.

Consider this: women in the armed forces often have to leave their children for months at a time and they make it work.

Thats fine...if you children too are happy. If not....when they are teens and adults you will know what they thought of your parenting. Did you receive a similar style of parenting?

Go for it! Amazing opportunity and you are right - doubtful it will O me up again.

The children will miss you. You will miss them. You'll all deal with it.

Your children, most likely, won't remember anything about it.

Err they will. They’re 4 and 7!

My mum was away for a month when I was little (before primary school). I remember it.

The seven year old will remember very clearly.

If mum is the main carer and dad isn’t as capable domestically they will remember

i remember my mum going away, even for short periods, as everything “normal” went out the window- we survived on deep fried egg, chips and spam fritters and he struggled with washing and chores.

this was back in the day when women sah and men expected a tidy house and dinner on the table when they got in from work.

i don’t remember the weeks I was left with relatives as there would be a female who would run the home the same way my mum did, so everything was familiar.

my sdc spent 6 weeks with us at about the same age as o/p’s dc, as their mum went on honeymoon for the school holidays. They don’t remember at all. No facetime or smart phones then either.

if o/p’s dd’s share care with their dad and the routine is similar, it’s less likely to be as disruptive and therfore less memorable.

All the suggestions of bringing them back presents and telling them your exciting stories would massively piss me off as the parent stuck at home doing all the drudge work and day to day stuff!

There is a lot of good advice on this thread on emotions, and how the children and OP would be expected to cope. The psychological and emotional impact is obviously the most important consideration to most posters.

Looking at something else, I believe that you would have to be prepared to come home for good, part-way through, if it wasn't working out: for girls; for their father; for practical reasons - illness, unexpected commitment for him. I'd say that if you couldn't easily ditch the placement, without losing face or making yourself look unprofessional and unable to plan and predict , and you still decide to go .....anybody this is, not OP, then you are too invested in your work and not enough living your sense of self through the home stuff. Because things can always go wrong, other parent can get tired, and you have to be able to drop everything to go to your kids, or have really strong grandparental support as back up.

That is one of the problems with the opportunity - it could go well, it could hit a glitch, you can't know in advance, but if it's something you'd have to be committed to, once started, then you can't do it, if you've got a family needing you.

I couldn't, I'd miss them way way too much 💕