To leave children for 3 and a half months?

[elbigbx]

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

Loads of people saying "dads would do it no question", this just isn't true. Lots of men prefer not to and decline career opportunities that would involve this sort of time away from family.

Yes in some careers (military) it's the norm but I know few men who would happily do this.

I've no comprehension why you would want to experience "a new way of living" without your children? If my ex DH had expressed this when my boys were 4 and 6 or 5 and 7 I'd have put him straight about his responsibilities and how they'd changed since deciding to have children. He wouldn't have dreamed of it anyway: he regularly still dislikes not seeing them if they're on holiday for 2 weeks and they're 15 and 17.

Go!!! You're hardly leaving them in a box at the side of the road forever. It's 3 months. And they'll be with their Dad who has 50/50 custody so he's hardly a stranger.

You are giving yourself a great opportunity. It doesn't have to be a "thing" on your CV (PP mentioned she doesn't bother showing it). It's for YOU. It will be an experience that you likely won't get again.

And the people saying you can't drop your kids for your career or people shouldn't work away - how the fuck do you think the world would operate if people weren't prepared to work away from home??? How would the military, or oil, or any number of jobs get done if we all wanted to stay within 10 miles of home.

Your kids will be fine. Explain what is happening and make it exciting, send stuff home etc. and well done for doing a degree and looking to get a good job to support your family.

I would do it, and I think you should too. Anyone who decides to judge you based on their outdated and misogynistic views of female parenting responsibilities isn't worth bothering with. Your friends and family should support you - you are a mother, but you are also a woman, and an adult human being, with your own aspirations and dreams. What a fine example to set your own children as they grow up. And as for strangers, they can take a running jump. You don't need a thick skin because you won't be doing anything wrong.

Do it! I’d recommend Belgium for training and it’s well regarded if you can get access to the European Parliamentary work. Plus it will improve your Cv in terms of potential training contracts at the end of the degree, if the LPC will be your next step.

If this was reversed - my ex has a training opportunity, people would tell you to support him.
You will be able to see them and they are being cared for by their parent. They will be fine!

Honestly if it was just for your experience and doesn't reap an extra financial reward then I wouldn't.
I would say the same to a dad as well as a mum- thats parenting for you.

For 3 months I would do it in a heartbeat. You might not get this opportunity ever again.

@elbigbx what an amazing opportunity and what an incredible role model for your girls! ❤️

Go and enjoy it 🥰.

Law Firm partner here. OP, take the opportunity for your own personal growth and experience. It won’t enhance your career prospects as lots of graduates apply for training contracts having completed a year abroad as part of their degree; and many are fluent in another language.

I think 3 months living abroad would be an amazing experience for them though that’s just as good if not better than school. Could they learn a language? Could you afford a tutor? Could their dad or someone come with to help you out as presumably you’ll have to go to classes? Would the university help with finding a school for your kids? Obviously that would mean they’re away from their dad that long though.

Oh so it’s more like a an cultural exchange (like Erasmus) where you just study in a different country for a semester, not a work placement?

In that case I’d reconsider- I agree with a previous poster who said that it will add nothing to your CV. I’ve done it, so did my sister. No employer seemed to care I spent 3 month studying in Spain. It sounds great on a paper, but maybe when you’re 19 and you look forward to partying & spending student finance money in a foreign country.

Given that there really isn’t any real long term benefit to this, not more than just travelling abroad for a few weeks, I think it’s not best idea.

All that aside, I think you will miss your kids dearly and you’ll get homesick before you know it.

At 4 and 7 I would assume she'd have to take them out of school? Maybe she doesn't want to do that

Absolutely you should do it. You're not leaving them with strangers for goodness sake, they'll be with their Dad and you'll see them every couple of weeks.

Op, I wouldn't post on here any more. AIBU has very medieval notions of what a real life mother should be, and you will get a lot of vitriol for not sitting at home and baking cookies, while weeping resentful tears about your mommy sacrifices. It absolutely is "role model parenting" to finish a law degree while single parenting. I have a law degree and only just managed with no kids.

There's a fairly expansive middle ground between "sitting at home and baking cookies" and "fucking off to a different country for three months on a totally non essential trip", although I imagine you know that already.

Sit IS ages for children. Absolutely ages when your 4 & 7.

@elbigbx

No I wouldn't. It's a long time for young children. It's my brothers birthday 5 weeks before Christmas and mine 6 weeks after. As a child they were miles apart. Miles.

a semester at a different Uni isn't going to have much impact, if any, on your degree. It could be fun for sure, something to do if you don't have kids, but IMO certainly not enough to gain from it when you do.

If their Dad is supportive, then maybe he could 'step up' when you need time to study here?!

I know parent in the services are away a lot & I appreciate the family sacrifices they make for our country. It's not great for the children & the adult children will tell you that. That's even with it being 'the norm' for the families around them, & for a good reason. Let alone mummy just choosing this for no real reason. I'd say it if it was the Dad who was the resident parent as well.

This was supposed to be in response to the person asking why she wouldn't take them with her, don't know what happened to the quote...

How much experience of a new culture would you really have, though?

It’s a term at a foreign university. So you’d be working just as hard as you do here in term time, still have assignments to work on and hand in, etc., so you’re not going to have a lot of time outside university. Campuses are very self contained and so you’re not as much part of the community.

It won’t make any difference to your degree classification, and won’t give you any real-world experience to take into work. So if you do decide to do it, just be honest that you’d like to experience being a student somewhere else, and don’t have great expectations about what that adds to your employability, and decide from there.

Do it. Men do. You ex sounds stable and keen, and video chats a good plan. My dad was in the military and it was fine. You’re doing it for your future, and that of your family, and you’ll have a fantastic experience too. Would be great if you could come home halfway though, but it may be more unsettling for the kids to say goodbye to you again.

Have there been threads about people who send their DC to boarding school in another country? Military families, expat families and so on. I am not one of them. But I don't think I am a better, more real mom because I didn't.

knew several women as a student who took their children with them on exchange, is there a reason that is not an option?

Study is likely to be in term time. Children that age will lose a school place if absent for that amount of time. It could be incredibly disruptive to their education.

I wouldn’t leave mine , and it’s expensive to study abroad , and still maintain a home here. It’s different if your young free & single

Oh for goodness sake OP

I really wouldn’t listen to those on here that have zero experience of having a parent away for extended periods of work, they have no idea how it works and the reality of some people’s lives.

This is what you do- you don’t create drama around it.
You explain to the kids that you will be away but will call everyday. You have set times at which you call, every day on the dot. At weekends those calls can be extended. You don’t get emotional, as this will just transfer the kids.

You keep on top of what’s happening at nursery and school and what’s going on in their lives, so you are still involved. Do story time over the phone etc.

kids are very resilient! Doesn’t mean you won’t find it tough and doesn’t mean that the kids won’t be upset at times. But this is life, you are not going to emotionally scar the kids because their dad is the primary caregiver for a couple of months!

I went on a 5 day holiday with friends 5 years ago when DS3 was 5. He still talks about it...

Could you get back to them quickly incase they were taken ill or an emergency dictated you needed to be with them?

Yes, of course you should go!

It's for around 14 weeks out of the years and years your children will have you in their lives.

It will further your career presumably and enable you to provide better for them in the future.

14 weeks is nothing.

Many posters here are incredibly small minded. What about the explorers like Scott who went away for years on end leaving their families?

If over those 14 weeks you can afford it, you could come back maybe once a month?

You can use the web to talk with Zoom, etc and the weeks will fly by.

Go for it!