To leave children for 3 and a half months?

[elbigbx]

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

Yes, but this isn't essential, is it? Sister university means your course somewhere new and exciting, which sounds great, but not essential.

My DH wouldn't do it either. We are both very career minded but you can easily have a successful career without doing this.

Do it, what an amazing opportunity

Many many women work away from home and dad is a good co-parent so the kids will be fine.

It will fly past in no time at all

Op, I wouldn't post on here any more. AIBU has very medieval notions of what a real life mother should be, and you will get a lot of vitriol for not sitting at home and baking cookies, while weeping resentful tears about your mommy sacrifices. It absolutely is "role model parenting" to finish a law degree while single parenting. I have a law degree and only just managed with no kids.

Ask your DH and your kids and possibly your friends/family and decide. Doesn't matter if it is a jaunt, a cultural experience, whatever you want to call it. If you want to go, go. I am going to assume that as a single mom you do the bulk of the childrearing. Let your DH learn how tough that is and step up.

Depends on your kids. If they are happy and settled with their Dad and generally secure, yes, I think I’d go if it was something I wanted.

I would it do this myself, but not because I think it’s a bad idea, because my child really hates being away from me, and doesn’t have another trusted adult (her dad is dead and GPs live abroad) I could leave her with, which makes her very dependent on me. But if THEY are cool staying with Dad, and you trust him to provide emotional support (and not belittle their feelings) I’d jump at it like a shot.

4yo and 7yo?! No way! Far too young. That is huge disruption to their little lives, do you even know how they feel about living with their Dad FT? And for something that is not actually going to make any difference to your career or CV? Not a chance.

Honestly at that age, no I wouldn’t do it. It’s such a big disruption and I’d say the same if you were the father. You say it’s an option, if it was compulsory I would consider it but even then I think I’d be very reluctant. Plus I don’t really see what you’ll get from it professionally- it’s not long enough to get a real sense of the other legal system, let alone get any kind of qualifications to practise there. TBH sounds like an expensive jolly to me.

Not true at all. Have you researched this? Many, many educational studies have shown that perceived abandonment can result in similar nurture issues as real abandonment.

I would go with my DCs or not go. 3 months is very long time for a 4YO, I think it could change your relationship with the DCs quite significantly.

Barely remember it at 4 and 7?!

As for the scaremongering posts that say your DC won't want to live with you after 3 months, WTF? Especially after your update that they will be living in your own home with their own things.

@loveliesbleeding1 quite the opposite actually. I was very firm on this being a good decision but now I'm starting the think the opposite, as I agree with people who are saying it isn't essential (which it isn't). I just know once I've finished my degree and started work, I wouldn't be able to just leave my workplace for 3 months or whatever to experience a new way of life like I would next year with this opportunity. It would be amazing for the girls to come with me to experience it as well however I don't think this would be an option, as I would have to take them on my own which would mean finding childcare etc.

it's just 3 months. I would go especially if it's not a high conflict parenting situation. if you are very nervous, choose a European country if you are in UK or any other close to you. You can visit once a month for a weekend or so. You can always have video calls with them

I couldn’t. That’s not to judge anyone who does but I couldn’t be parted from my children for that long.

@JanisMoplin - it's really not a medieval notion to suggest that leaving a 4yo and 7yo for 3 months is too much. The OP has asked for opinions on AIBU. She has got them. Just because you don't agree with other people doesn't give you the right to tell the OP to ignore everyone else.

It's not very long at all, especially since you'll be regularly visiting during this time.

If you really want to do it, then do it. If the children aren't coping for some reason, and you feel it was a mistake, then you can always just jump on a plane and go home. No dramas.

People often say that the world is a big place. I strongly disagree. It's bloody tiny. My mother lives in Scotland and I live in Australia. I FaceTime her every single day, and if she got sick or injured I could be at her side in 24 hours. You'd be hard pressed to find a placement that puts more than this distance between you and your children! If you're just looking at Europe then you're right next door, for goodness sake.

I think this is one of those things that sounds big and scary, until you start talking to people who have actually done similar things. In military communities, for example, people would be telling you to stop being so dramatic for worrying about being a short plane ride away from your children for 3 months.

If this isn't going to advance your career then I would feel the same whether it was mum or dad going, as it is essentially a jolly.

Would your student loan cover the expenses of flying back every other weekend?

I would. Opportunities don’t come along that often and if it does wonderful things for your career which in turn benefit your children then yes I would.

Personally, no.
Although I'm not saying it's wrong for you to do that.
I would be so upset to not see them for that long and I know it'd be so hard for him too. I wouldn't have coped without my mum for 3.5 months at 4 or 7.

Hmm. Having that placement abroad rather than here isn't going to make the slightest bit of difference to your employability.

If you were single, childless, obviously you'd be jumping at the chance to go the US or wherever. Why should it be any different now? Well because you DO have different circumstances. 3months is a bloody long time. I say that as someone whose Dad worked abroad whilst I was younger - really miserable 2 years of my life (between age 8 and 10 approx) / He would come home sometimes every 3 months but sometimes longer.

With respect, that was WORK. Work he was earning amazing tax free money for. This is just a placement. Sounds like you're trying to escape the bed you've made from here - and go off pretend you're childless and have a blast. Well we'd all love to do that in theory, but if your children really are your 'everything' you'd actually be thinking dammm that's a shame but never mind.

I genuinely cannot see that a placement abroad makes any difference at all to how much money you will earn long term.

Sure. Opinions. I find this judging of who is a "real mom" very Stepford wife. Other posters have managed to express their opinions without resorting to this sanctimoniousness.

Dreams change and grow in accordance with our reality and current circumstances. The 'you can be anything, go anywhere' attitude you grow up to learn is not the truth certainly not when you have obligations such as small children. You find fulfilments in other ways and you take responsibility for the choices you already made: bringing children to the world.
I think what's silly is swanning off for 3 and a half months like you're child free, dad or mum. But hey, future lawyer, you sound determined to do your own thing so crack on.

I've been working longer hours than usual for the past few months, plus had 2 three-day trips away, and it's badly unsettled my 4yo - he's very clingy and constantly seeks reassurance- even though I've still been here literally almost every day. 3.5 months away would either upset him very deeply, or cause him to detach from me in self-preservation, I think.

I think it’s great their dad would have them
I also think if it was a man everyone would understand
on the other hand I don’t think I could do it personally
But if you do Europe could you do a long weekend back maybe once a month then it wouldn’t feel so bad!
lots of men only see their children 3/4 days out of a month even when they live in the same town
so for a work opportunity that would presumably benefit your girls in the long run I could see it making sense

I knew several women as a student who took their children with them on exchange, is there a reason that is not an option?