To leave children for 3 and a half months?

[elbigbx]

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

Go for it! You sound like a great role model for your daughters.

The idea and the reality is very different at those ages, though. They have no idea how long three months is and what it will be like not seeing you.

I'd also have a think about how you'd feel when you get back and they're settled with dad and don't want 50/50 anymore.

I’m a senior lawyer at a large firm. Whilst it will be very difficult to leave your children, the trainee market is so competitive nowadays that anything that can set you apart gives you a greater chance of securing a training contract IMO. A placement in a country that has a common law legal system will give you the most relevant experience but unfortunately most European countries are civil law jurisdictions, which is vastly different from the system in England and Wales. Hard decision for you.

That’s very different then
As I said it’s about who is the Resident parent for me rather than their sex

I personally wouldn't, but that's is only based on my current situation, if I was in your shoes, and there was an obvious benefit to it then I most probably would.

Not a chance. That's such a long time when they're so young

Go, go, go!

Face Time everyday, go home every other weekend.

I would also like to echo other OPs. You sound absolutely fantastic. What a wonderful role model you sound for your girls.

And to the OP who said about dropping kids whenever you feel like it, bore off. This will enable/work towards a future that they may not necessarily have had.

Go for it!

Do it.

You're not dumping them on a randomer, you're leaving them with Dad.

The only question for me would be do you rent or own? Are you OK leaving it for that long or could you get someone to house sit? Then when you come home you could have the girls overnight for the weekend and they would go back to the same home afterwards.

From everything you have said, I would say absolutely yes, go for it. As a mum, unfortunately, exciting opportunities like that can often seem undoable. A dad wouldn’t face the same questioning over it. Do it, make the most of it, enjoy it. The girls will be happy with dad. They are old enough to understand and when they are older they will know why you did it and you will be a good role model to them for it too

No one else can tell you what's right for you and your DC. Some men and women in the military do this and for longer. I couldn't for several reasons, part of that is my DC have SEN and part is their unreliable, does the minimum Dad, but I also wouldn't want to. None of that means you shouldn't do it, I'm not you. You would have to factor in maintenance to your EX into the financial considerations. If you can fly back EOW weekend that's as much contact as many NRPs have. I do wonder if it's worth it though, would it really make you more employable?

Based on your update about it not being a work placement, I wouldn't. The law is different in different countries - so how will spending 3 months learning the law of a country you won't be working in actually benefit you long term?

If you were a "typical" uni student with no children to consider, it might be a nice experience, albeit one that won't give you any real benefit. But you do have children.

I studied law at uni, and this wasn't even an option that came up for people, so I'm surprised that it has.

I personally would miss my children too much, and I know how much they'd have missed me at that age because my parents used to take them away for a week in the summer holidays, and the number of times we had to drive over to collect them because they were sobbing and wanting to come home as they missed me/us was ridiculous. Only you know if your children will be ok with you not being there.

I couldn't do that I'm afraid. Kids come first in my book.

@StupidUsernameUnavailable thank you 😘

Of course you should go. They will be with their dad. Explain what's happening, face time daily and visit as often as you can. They will be fine. And you know what? If they aren't you can just come home.

I personally wouldn't and I wouldn't be happy if my DH did either.

But its your choice. Perhaps if you/they are able to visit regularly?

I'd do it if I wanted to and it would be good for my career. Guys do this shit all the time! The DC will be fine. Think of people in film who are often away for that long on a shoot, or all the military who are away constantly. I've been away from DC for a couple of months at a time and they've been happily looked after by their dad and it's done them good imo to see that a dad can be a main carer instead of mum being the default. God when you read about all the DHs on here who don't 'help out' with the kids, I think it's a valuable thing for the next generation to learn. Sure you'll miss them, but you'll go into a different mode and grow as a person and that will bring plenty of benefits for you and for them. Go for it!

I would do it, especially if you will be in Europe and coning back every few weekends. Loads of kids go without seeing their parents for much longer e.g. armed forces, working offshore

My first answer was "Do it".

BUT will it definitely improve your chances of employment? I guess my only question is if it would improve your chances of employment IN THAT COUNTRY and that's the big appeal of a placement like that, but this doesn't apply to you because you can't leave the UK without your ex, really.

So does this placement make your CV look better to a UK employer than a 3 month placement with a prestigious London firm would?

The hand wringing tends to come from people with no direct knowledge or experience of it, or from families who managed it poorly and failed and failed to support the kids and made a meal of it.

This

Absolutely no way I’d do this. I can’t see it will make any difference to employability (Is it the Erasmus scheme or similar? I did it on my degree and it’s a great experience but essentially a bit of a jolly). It would be lovely to do if you were child free but you chose to have 2 kids, you should be there for them. I’d say the same to a man. Obviously it would be different if you had to work away but choosing to go away completely unnecessarily with young children seems very selfish to me.

No fucking way

I say go for it! It will be good for you and your ex, help in the future and If you a man you wouldn’t even feel the need to ask.

It sounds like you've already decided to go and you're looking for people to tell you it's ok.

The thought of something and the reality are two different things.

Could you do with your children kissing you once the shine wore off for them living with their dad?

@SleepingStandingUp I own my home. Their dad would probably move in whilst I go as I live round the corner from their school (he does not).

@Tillow4ever This isn't about being employable in the future, obviously yes that would be a benefit, it's the opportunity to experience different cultures/ways of life and everything else that living in a different country would do. That might sound incredibly selfish when I have children, but the experience would be phenomenal.

A bit different but my children were around the same age when the first lock down happened.
My husband had to work and 2 of our older children had shielding letters.
He left to stay at his dads for 3 months as the job was quite high regarding covid (and back then we knew nothing about it).

It did effect my children esp the younger ones, they were very clingy to me and didn't want to be near there dad for a while when he came back.

I think it really depends on your children really, 3 months might be short but it is long time for young children.