To leave children for 3 and a half months?

[elbigbx]

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

Law firm partner here - it will add nothing to your career. If you want to go, you absolutely should, but for character building/personal reasons rather than because you think it’ll be good for a career in law.

if it was the other parent going away, no one would blink at the thought.

if you and your ex co parent well then I don't see an issue. many parents leave their children for 3 months whilst working.
with video calls and regular contact, it will be doable but different

Law student wanting to leave her children for months seems to be a recurrent trope on MN.

I honestly couldn’t do it.

Different circumstances but I remember my Mum going into hospital for 10 days when I was 5 years old and I stayed with my much loved Nan and Grandad but I missed mum so much.3 months is such a long time in a young child’s life.

No way I’d consider leaving such young children for such a long time, to be completely honest

I wouldn't. When you're a parent you make sacrifices because it's no longer about you and your dreams. You should have done all that before them if it was so important to you.

No way, and neither would my male DP.

Sounds like it wouldn't actually make any difference to your employability and, to be blunt, just sounds like you fancy a jaunt abroad for three and a half months. Good on you for pursuing a brilliant career but I wouldn't call this particular trip "role model parenting", no matter what some on here are are claiming. Quite the opposite, in fact. And yes, I would absolutely say the same to a man.

It sounds like your children have two active, hands-on parents. The world is not going to collapse because you concentrate on your career for a few months while dad looks after them. They won't even remember it a few years down the line. Do it! Careers (as well as children) are important.

Mmm. Seeing the update I was just thinking this. Can’t believe a real life mother would even consider leaving two little children to go on an extended holiday!

It depends on the ages. I had a friend I know do this when her DD was a younger teenager, just left her in London to stay with friends whilst she studied in the North for 3 years. She returned home every or most weekends to look after her DD though and in holidays.

The DD could've stayed with her older brother or grandparent (who didn't live in London) but I think her brother either did this once or twice or then didn't want the responsibility.

Bit of drama happened when one of the mum's helping to look after the DD posted a photo of a messy room and friend's former work (think lapdancing) on FB when they fell out.

If you can trust your ex to look after the kids and he has additional childcare (e.g. siblings/parents) to help out if needed, then I'd probably say yes.

I think I would consider it , but perhaps ensure it wouldn't clash with any milestones , starting school , child's birthday , Christmas etc .

Do it. Especially if you can come back in between. They'll be ok at their dads. It'll be amazing for you.

@Pastaa what a silly thing to say? Dreams change and grow as we get older. Are we just supposed to try and not fulfil them because we have children? Yes I am a mum first and foremost, but I am also a human being too :)

No, i would not do this. I think its too long to leave a 4yo and a 7yo. Apart from the fact you would miss them so much, its too long for relatively young children to be apart from you when up until now you would have seen them everyday (apart from presumably when ex has them).
I think a lot of people will say do it, think about your career etc but its not always the right thing to do.. as a working single parent whos also studying I've make plenty of sacrifices and havent always done exactly what ive wanted to do because I decided to have kids and that means their needs before mine

I was thinking exactly this. Perceived abandonment is a strong emotion in children. A friend of a friend left her 10 year old for 6 months to do a placement in France (for a languages degree, so pretty essential). She was home every month. She bitterly regrets the effect it had on her son (who was with her exDP and her mum 50-50). She says their relationship has never been quite the same. He's now 20.

Not saying it would be like this, just one woman's experience. I personally couldn't bear it, but I had the luxury of completing my degree pre-children.

If you are the primary parent at the moment, and your children are safe and well cared for with their father, then them spending time in his full-time care could strengthen their relationship with him and his with them. This is one potential advantage.

As I see from your update that this is not a placement, then I think it’s not worth it. As a senior lawyer that sees lots of cvs, this will not add to your employability, especially if you go to a civil jurisdiction.

I think it is probably true that a man will have an easier time (from others) if he chose to do it, but I wouldn’t go so far as to say nobody would bat an eyelid. It seems to me to be an unnecessary thing to do that isn’t going to help your career or them at all, so I am not sure about this, it is not remotely like going away for military reasons.

I am also quite puzzled as to why law students would spend a term in another country that presumably has a different legal system anyway.

I don’t think I personally could (though have worked abroad and travelled a lot pre-dc), but I’m also happily married and it would feel weird to up and leave the whole family.

But there are loads of dads (married and single) who work abroad for months at a time, and that’s very normalised. I think in your situation, I would do it. You only live once. Sounds like it would be great for them to have more quality time with their dad. You’d see them every few weeks and they could also fly out to visit you. My mum worked long hours as a kid and i didn’t see her as much as some people saw their mums, but I came away with a real appreciation for her work ethic. I think it’s a great example to show them and will also give them some new experiences too.

Just to add, I also have the option to take them with me. But it would mean taking my DD1 out of school for 3 months.

How would you feel if they didn't want to come back and live with you at the end of the 3 months?

Ok your update is interesting,looks like you’re determined to go so why you started a thread to garner people’s opinions is (as usual on mumsnet)a waste of everyone else’s time.

If you trust their Dad and he is a really loving and affectionate father who nurtures them well. Thinking back to when I was 4 - my parents had just split up and we were living with Mum's mum. If we'd 've been left with Gran for a few months I think we would have been fine; but Mum worried every time she had to hand us over for a weekend, because Dad loved us in his own way but not fiercely or attentively enough for her to be sure we would be safe and cherished (she was much happy when my stepmum came along, a fellow mother used to keeping kids away from danger!!).

At that age they'll probably barely remember it when they're older but you'll make amazing memories and experiences