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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be severely sexually frustrated?

152 replies

daffodilsunlocked · 16/06/2022 09:43

Since Sept 2021, my on-off DP has been suffering from the very unfortunate Peyronies Disease - for those who may not know what this is (or cba to Google!) it's a build-up of calcium in the penis which causes a significant bend and makes penetrative sex impossible (in our case anyway) - I'm 39, he's 56...

So we've now not had sex for 9 or so months

After being in an almost sexless marriage for 10 yrs and someone who openly enjoys sex - everything about it - I am extremely sexually frustrated and don't know what to do.

He waited a few months initially to get this seen but did do around November time at which point DR gave him Viagara and said he would need to trial this for at least 6 months before anything further could be done...FF to Apr/May - the viagara helps his erection, but still unable to penetrate me as the curve/bend is too significant.

DR also said he would refer him to a 'pump' clinic which would help to straighten the bend whenever he needed to, but DP has not chased this up and this is where I've started to lose my cool.

I'm the type of person who is a big believer in that we have to chase things - they don't come to us, and if that means calling the DR every bloody day to do so and explain how much it is affecting his MH then so be it - but he won't

He's making me feel guilty about it, creating arguments telling me he already feels 'less of a man' etc and I have been sympathetic, but am starting to really lose my shit if I'm honest.

I guess I'm wondering, am I just being a shallow 'harlot' ha ha, but seriously, AIBU to be feeling so God damn frustrated? Btw I don't see my life with this guy but we've got the biggest bond I've ever had in my life, with anybody, we're just 2 worlds apart

OP posts:
motherofdragons23 · 16/06/2022 09:49

You're not unreasonable to be sexually frustrated but this is a medical issue and an embarrassing one at that! What was your sex life like before this? And are you intimate in other ways since this issue began?

dottypotter · 16/06/2022 09:51

You can still be intimate though can't you without the penis. He's got fingers and a tongue and there are lots of sex toys out there.

Original poster
daffodilsunlocked · 16/06/2022 09:52

Intimate in other ways, yes, but I'm not ashamed to say I need a bloody dick inside me 🙁

OP posts:
StanleyBostitch · 16/06/2022 09:52

Put yourself in your partner's shoes.
This is a medical problem that is most likely very confronting for him. There must be other ways in which you can be intimate and meet your needs.

Original poster
daffodilsunlocked · 16/06/2022 09:53

I have plenty of toys but it's gotten to the point where I really need a penis - a real one 🙄

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 16/06/2022 09:53

You dont see your life with this guy and you are two worlds apart - so why are you staying.

This doesnt seem to be a long term or potentially even out side of this long lasting relationship where the advice and how to deal with it certainly would be different

Lsquiggles · 16/06/2022 09:53

If you've only been together since September and during that short time have been on and off (why is that?), I don't think anyone would blame you for walking away for something more fulfilling

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/06/2022 09:53

I don’t blame you, especially when he’s not prioritising getting a solution. Are you doing any sex stuff and just avoiding shagging or is it all off the table? If the latter, given it’s on/off anyway and he doesn’t seem that bothered, and you don’t think it’s got legs longterm anyway I’d walk away. Life is short, go and find good sex with someone else.

Original poster
daffodilsunlocked · 16/06/2022 09:55

I didn't say we'd only been together since Sept, that's when the Peyronies began - together on/off for almost 4 yrs

OP posts:
drpet49 · 16/06/2022 09:55

Put yourself in your partner's shoes.
This is a medical problem that is most likely very confronting for him.

^This. You come across unsympathetic and callous

dottypotter · 16/06/2022 09:56

daffodilsunlocked · 16/06/2022 09:52

Intimate in other ways, yes, but I'm not ashamed to say I need a bloody dick inside me 🙁

You can't have it though can you. We don't all get everything we want. Unless you want to leave him which you don't you don't have alot of other options. You will be OK.. lots of people living with frustrations every day and some worse than that.

FrankLampardsBrokenHand · 16/06/2022 09:57

It's understandable to feel frustrated. It isn't understandable or in any way ok to take that frustration out on your DP.

Original poster
daffodilsunlocked · 16/06/2022 09:57

Thank you, and this is my issue, the fact he's not bloody chasing things. DR told him to also use the viagara when he is alone and for masturbation, yet he has refused to do so 😐

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 16/06/2022 09:57

If you were on off and one or both unwilling to commit are you going to be the partner he needs through this and can he be the partner you need

whatstheteamarie · 16/06/2022 09:58

If he is not your forever guy, break up, move on and find someone you are more compatible with sexually.

You say you go out and get things, so go out and get a sex life.

It's a bit hypocritical to judge him for not moving on when you're not either.

Tothemoonandbackx · 16/06/2022 09:58

If you don't see your life with this guy, to put it a little bluntly....what's the point. Yes you've got a strong bond,but if you're that intent on having a dick inside you, just break it off with him and find someone that can satisfy both sexually and long term. Probably better for both of you.

dottypotter · 16/06/2022 09:58

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/06/2022 09:53

I don’t blame you, especially when he’s not prioritising getting a solution. Are you doing any sex stuff and just avoiding shagging or is it all off the table? If the latter, given it’s on/off anyway and he doesn’t seem that bothered, and you don’t think it’s got legs longterm anyway I’d walk away. Life is short, go and find good sex with someone else.

Lots of people have problems with sex you can't keep walking away. You might find great sex but a horrible partner you won't find everything you need in one person
Better the devil you know is sometimes true and also the saying think of what you have got not what you haven't is true.

Babdoc · 16/06/2022 09:58

OP, your husband needs referred to a consultant urologist for surgery to the Peyronie’s plaque, which will straighten his penis but slightly shorten it.
I used to anaesthetise patients for this, and having a severe enough case to not even be able to have intercourse was a definite indication for surgery!

TitInATrance · 16/06/2022 09:58

I’d walk, or as he’s an on-off DP consider whether a non-monogamous relationship is a possibility.

Immaterialatthispoint · 16/06/2022 09:59

You don’t want to spend your life with him, your two worlds apart and you’re currently verging on bullying someone with a medical condition.

do both of you a favour and leave him.

dottypotter · 16/06/2022 10:02

Tothemoonandbackx · 16/06/2022 09:58

If you don't see your life with this guy, to put it a little bluntly....what's the point. Yes you've got a strong bond,but if you're that intent on having a dick inside you, just break it off with him and find someone that can satisfy both sexually and long term. Probably better for both of you.

What if you meet someone and after a while they get a serial problem, you can't keep moving around partners can you. Nobody is perfect.

Original poster
daffodilsunlocked · 16/06/2022 10:02

Babdoc · 16/06/2022 09:58

OP, your husband needs referred to a consultant urologist for surgery to the Peyronie’s plaque, which will straighten his penis but slightly shorten it.
I used to anaesthetise patients for this, and having a severe enough case to not even be able to have intercourse was a definite indication for surgery!

Hey, thank you for your post. Yeah, the Urologist is the specialist we have seen twice now, but he seems very reluctant to move forward with the surgery, he said initially we had to try the viagar for 6 months and then the pump, which I think may be a great tool, but nothing seems to be moving forward Sad

How long is the usual time before surgery is the option? I don't mind the shortening issue as he's quite average already

OP posts:
motherofdragons23 · 16/06/2022 10:06

Me and my dh didn't have sex for over 6 months when I was pregnant due to a mixture of health issues and me simply not wanting to. We were rarely intimate in other ways either. He was supportive and understanding. I wonder what people would say it op was a man posting that he just 'needed a real vagina' because his wife was pregnant or having health problems that prevented sex.

I honestly don't blame you for feeling this way op but I think it's cruel to take it out on him when this is beyond his control and probably incredibly embarrassing.

watcherintherye · 16/06/2022 10:08

I’m not sure what your dp is getting out of his relationship with you. There doesn’t seem to be much affection on your part. If all you want is sex, then find someone else to satisfy you.

Yes, if you ditch your dp because of this issue, no doubt it will affect his self-esteem, but so will being with someone who only seems to value him for his ability to satisfy them sexually. He probably has performance anxiety now, on top of everything else. Can’t you see how much of a turn off that will be?

Aquamarine1029 · 16/06/2022 10:09

You need to end the relationship and move on. This isn't working, on many levels.