To be severely sexually frustrated?

[daffodilsunlocked]

Since Sept 2021, my on-off DP has been suffering from the very unfortunate Peyronies Disease - for those who may not know what this is (or cba to Google!) it's a build-up of calcium in the penis which causes a significant bend and makes penetrative sex impossible (in our case anyway) - I'm 39, he's 56...

So we've now not had sex for 9 or so months

After being in an almost sexless marriage for 10 yrs and someone who openly enjoys sex - everything about it - I am extremely sexually frustrated and don't know what to do.

He waited a few months initially to get this seen but did do around November time at which point DR gave him Viagara and said he would need to trial this for at least 6 months before anything further could be done...FF to Apr/May - the viagara helps his erection, but still unable to penetrate me as the curve/bend is too significant.

DR also said he would refer him to a 'pump' clinic which would help to straighten the bend whenever he needed to, but DP has not chased this up and this is where I've started to lose my cool.

I'm the type of person who is a big believer in that we have to chase things - they don't come to us, and if that means calling the DR every bloody day to do so and explain how much it is affecting his MH then so be it - but he won't

He's making me feel guilty about it, creating arguments telling me he already feels 'less of a man' etc and I have been sympathetic, but am starting to really lose my shit if I'm honest.

I guess I'm wondering, am I just being a shallow 'harlot' ha ha, but seriously, AIBU to be feeling so God damn frustrated? Btw I don't see my life with this guy but we've got the biggest bond I've ever had in my life, with anybody, we're just 2 worlds apart

I disagree

language can traumatise people.

OP were you actually at the urologist appointments with him?

I would end it now, bluntly. I know someone who stayed in a new relationship where sex ended for medical reasons and it resulted in serial cheating. That’s shit for everyone.

I'd say to find someone closer to your age!

Get a lover !

Well, Mumsnet gives you permission to cheat OP. Have you got what you wanted now?

There's absolutely nothing disgusting, about have the desire for proper PIV sex. I am sure than most men would miss their wives vagina's, if they were permanently off limits. And I'm doubly sure they would be annoyed, if there was a potential solution that their wife was not exploring, through sheer laziness.

Op, he's 57, and I suspect not really bothered about sex enough to follow through with possible solutions. This is what your sex life will be like forever if you stay with him.

Human's are allowed to be base. We are animals, after all. People with a low sex drive may not truly understand Op's frustrations. I get it. I really, really do.

just curious but how did you end up with someone 17 years your senior OP?

I think you are having a laugh with this thread. Nobody "needs dick" so much that they are prepared to hound their DP into medical interventions that the DP is clearly not keen to pursue

I do.

language can traumatise people

Have you ever heard that old saying about sticks and stones? 🤔

I would leave in your situation. You clearly aren't fussed about the relationship in general. I would struggle but stick it out in my strong relationship with my DH if he had this issue, but for someone I'm not 100% committed to? Not a chance.

@daffodilsunlocked a lot of this is about timing, where you are each at this time of your life.

You mention that you were in a sexless marriage for 10 years & understandably you are wary & reluctant to repeat that experience - which would be partly a physical sex drought but also the missing ‘connection’ & communication to resolve that situation sooner.

Now here you are again with the clamps down on penetrative sex that you want to have & stumbling incomplete communication to resolve matters e.g. his reluctance to get medical things done. So there is a restlessness/impatience as you may be tempted to backpeddle out of this impasse - after all, you are young enough to have a fully satisfying sexual relationship with someone closer to your age who is less likely to have problems with his penis - the grass always looks greener etc.

So you have some history together - the past four years or so, on/off.
Before the erectile problems, was your relationship moving to far more on than off, taking into account the restrictions of lockdown etc?

Is there enough of a connection & love between you to work through this ?
On the one hand you have the repercussions/echoes of your previous relationship & his preferred approach to dealing with his health issues - bearing in mind that he is not yet of an age when facing up to physical ageing & chronic conditions is everyday, so this may be his first time round the medical block & unsure of what is required of him.

I get the impression that you are a get-up-&-go thrusty type person & he is more laid back, so you are more hard & fast & he’s by comparison more laid back, maybe ‘passive’. If so, this is a fundamental difference of temperament & preferences between you - this is being played out in your shared sex life, self-care & meeting your own needs (e.g. managing medical care).

However his penis issues are resolved, however sex with him happens, the fundamental differences between you will be presented in other matters & issues in the future.

You don’t have children or a long relationship history between you to have built up a shared narrative.

Is there enough between you to continue with this relationship?

He’s more than just a penis you know! I understand you feeling frustrated but you’re not being very understanding or patient. He has a medical condition - he’s not just giving you the brush off.

It it really boils down to ‘needing a dick inside you’ then move on and let him be with someone who will appreciate him as a whole person.

100%. You need to think of how difficult this problem is for him to face.
It's not wrong to be sexually frustrated though but just give him compassion and empathy.

Ignoring the Peyronies Disease and irrespective of whether it is right or wrong, I strongly suspect that any man who read the OP's first post and knew it was their partner who had typed it would suddenly suffer from a serious case of impotence for the foreseeable future in any event.......

I disagree with people saying you're wrong for feeling the way you do. Sex is important in a relationship, to some people more than others.

It isn't a "need" physically as in you don't die from lack of, but for a lot of people it really affects their mental health to be undesired by their partner/lack of physical.

The same women condemning you for feeling sex is an important part of your relationship , will tell women to dump a guy if he isn't giving her emotional support / emotional intimacy.

Why is one important and reasonable to be upset by and the other one isn't?

Nobody should be forced to have sex with anyone, but if you don't want to have sex with your partner, and they very much do, it doesn't make you a bad person to find it a deal breaker.

I would of thought most men would be wanting to get a condition that prevents them from sex, fixed ASAP.

OP there is a big age difference there and perhaps on many levels sex just isn't as important to him as it is for you; he doesn't sound that motivated to do something about this.

You've spent 4 years with him which is a considerable period of time. However, do bear in mind that this is the first of many health worries that will come to the fore with advancing age, and there may be further frustrations for you ahead as other parts of life become more restricted too.

I dated someone with this condition, he was quite dishonest about it and unwilling to explore anything sexually, although that took a few months to be fully revealed. Anyway in that time I did quite a bit of research on the subject and came to the conclusion that if he had been honest he would have just said sex is off the table and he was basically looking for celibate relationship. Peyrones is usually caused by sex itself, rough sex that damages the penis, whatever it was that caused this condition was how he liked to have sex and now that was no longer possible he wasn't really interested in sex at all. The refusal to be honest about it and acknowledge how it effected me was worst part. Unless you are happy with a relationship without sex you should leave, as even the 'other stuff' will drop off after a while.

MN tends to have a range of opinions, being that its lots of different people. Rarely is there a consensus, especially on topics around sex. It doesnt seem to be possible for a lot of people who dont place much importance on sex, to understand the perspective of people who consider it important and a priority for them.
Ultimately, if two people become sexually incompatible for whatever reason, then there will be lots that will end up breaking up over that, especially if there arent any real attempts to improve the issue. It doesnt help to frame it as them being not compassionate. Sounds like OP has lived with this problem for a long long time already.

What are you going to do as he gets older, are you prepared for that?

You don't mind the shortening issue? It's not up to you, it's his penis!

What if they are OK with sex not nice in other ways. I sometimes cannot understand how some people don't understand that nobody is perfect. There are lots of things that are important in a relationship.

Someone who is kind, dosent cheat, dosent drink heavily etc, do drugs etc I would have thought were major considerations. Some People don't seem to get it. A man might meet your sexual needs but what about other things that are important.

This!!
I am currently 3 months pp and haven’t been able to have penetrative sex with my DP for over 6 months due to pregnancy issues then a significant tear during birth. My DP has been so supportive during this time which has helped me so much, cannot imagine how I would feel if he had this attitude towards me and my health issues

That's a big age gap.

If sex is very important to you you need a partner closer to you in age because this is not going to get better with you current partner both because of the medical condition but also because as he is much older than you it is likely that his libido/ability to perform is just going to keep going downhill.

Ask yourself if you are cut out to be someone's carer at 39 and give up on a fulfilling sex life or if you want a passionate relationship...

You have to be honest with yourself. You don't have to be martyr and stick with someone who is not giving you what you want in a relationship.