To be severely sexually frustrated?

[daffodilsunlocked]

Since Sept 2021, my on-off DP has been suffering from the very unfortunate Peyronies Disease - for those who may not know what this is (or cba to Google!) it's a build-up of calcium in the penis which causes a significant bend and makes penetrative sex impossible (in our case anyway) - I'm 39, he's 56...

So we've now not had sex for 9 or so months

After being in an almost sexless marriage for 10 yrs and someone who openly enjoys sex - everything about it - I am extremely sexually frustrated and don't know what to do.

He waited a few months initially to get this seen but did do around November time at which point DR gave him Viagara and said he would need to trial this for at least 6 months before anything further could be done...FF to Apr/May - the viagara helps his erection, but still unable to penetrate me as the curve/bend is too significant.

DR also said he would refer him to a 'pump' clinic which would help to straighten the bend whenever he needed to, but DP has not chased this up and this is where I've started to lose my cool.

I'm the type of person who is a big believer in that we have to chase things - they don't come to us, and if that means calling the DR every bloody day to do so and explain how much it is affecting his MH then so be it - but he won't

He's making me feel guilty about it, creating arguments telling me he already feels 'less of a man' etc and I have been sympathetic, but am starting to really lose my shit if I'm honest.

I guess I'm wondering, am I just being a shallow 'harlot' ha ha, but seriously, AIBU to be feeling so God damn frustrated? Btw I don't see my life with this guy but we've got the biggest bond I've ever had in my life, with anybody, we're just 2 worlds apart

There are 6.5 million people on the NHS waiting list for treatment.

He has a non lift threatening, not work impacting and not requiring morphine for pain relief. Therefore he is going to be bottom of the list.

Chasing and nagging is not going to get him moved up the list.

If he doesn't want to wait to see someone, which is what he will have to do, then he will need to pay to see someone privately.

You could offer to pay for the private treatment.

Otherwise you have to wait.

OP, how keen is your partner a) on surgery and b) on being able to have sex?
Because if the answer to both is “very”, he needs to speak to the urologist and push for the operation. If his current one is not keen, he could ask to be referred elsewhere. I can’t imagine many men accepting being fobbed off and having to be celibate. Is private surgery financially accessible to him?

@babdoc Equally I can imagine that many men do not want pumps / injections or surgery on their penis and would prefer to continue with a non penetrative sex life.
It’s a personal choice. You shouldn’t pressurise him op but leave if this is too important to you.

Of course you can ‘keep moving partners’!

You can end a relationship for whatever reason you’d like to. Does @dottypotter think we get given a finite number of people we get to fuck/date/love/marry?

Jesus the poor guy has a medical condition and is probably embarrassed and scared.

You can be both understanding and frustrated at the same time.

Remember next time you vote why there is such a long NHS waiting list.

I don't mind the shortening issue as he's quite average already

'You' don't mind. How does he feel? It's his penis.

How long is the usual time before surgery is the option? I don't mind the shortening issue as he's quite average already

That's remarkably generous of you OP.
I'm sure he won't feel any further emasculated by YOU taking control of decisions about invasive surgery to his own body, & making your opinion of resultant penis length all about satisfying YOU.

I think you are having a laugh with this thread. Nobody "needs dick" so much that they are prepared to hound their DP into medical interventions that the DP is clearly not keen to pursue.

Imagine the cries of outrage if the sexes were reversed, or if a husband popped up here just to say that he's frustrated because his wife had post-partum complications which made penetration difficult or painful for her. He'd rightly be denounced as a selfish, shallow user.

Let your man make his own decisions & stop controlling him FFS.
If you cannot live without dick, as you so charmingly imply, then leave him & go & chase a functional one. With luck, it will have a halfway decent man attached to it, but no need to be too choosy, if just sex is your goal.

‘Sex Crazed Callous’ is going to be the name of my next band.

How curved is it that sex is impossible?

As frustrated as you are I don’t think phoning up the doctor every day asking to be seen is necessary! If you’ve got the funds go private. He’s been seen and has a treatment option he needs to try before they can justify the surgery and the risks it comes with it. Maybe talk to him calmly one day and asks if he wants to move forwards or not. Then if not consider leaving him or your options.
i couldn’t have sex medically for a long time, my DH just showed me love in other ways and cuddled me and didn’t get angry, I just felt more loved. Do the same.

Sex is important, not just to men, women are allowed to want it too! Hes a lot older than you OP, and doesn’t seem to want to fix this. Your priorities are different, it’s not like you’re married. I think I’d leave because it doesn’t seem like this will get better.

This!

This

MN would be ripping you to absolute shreds if this was a reverse.

Peyronie's disease is fixable - sounds like he's not bothered about getting it fixed as he's not doing what the Urologist said.

Rubbish, I’ve seen posts from women who can’t or won’t have sex, being told by some posters that they need to be prepared to lose their husbands. Women aren’t a hive mind, we all have different views.

This 💯. If penetrative sex is the be all and end all for you, you’re with the wrong person. There are plenty of functioning penises out there.

Who on earth would talk about this with their mother-in-law?!! Well, your son-in-law, evidently.

Just dump him. He’s an on-off partner and the sexual relationship you want has stalled because of his medical issues. It’s not a fulfilling relationship for you anymore so leave him and move on. It’s not like you’re turning your back on your life partner of 25years and 4 children. You stuck around long enough to give him the opportunity to try medical treatment but he isn’t doing it.
Make up a different reason for dumping him if you want. But don’t feel obligated to stick around just because this is unfortunate medical issue that must be hard for him to go through.

You do know not all surgeons perform the same operations don't you?

YABU.

Seeing this man as a penis is what I'm reading.

Imagine this as a reverse.

Break up with the poor guy so he can find a more understanding partner.

Well it’s either stay with him or leave.

that’s your choices. Now choose how important a ‘dick Inside of you’ is

However I must say that I find your post strange. I know of lots of couples who have chronic illnesses meaning that often sex is impossible and they’ve all found ways around this.

I have a DH who had trouble finishing due to AD’s, and probably age as he’s older. I put up with unsatisfactory sex for years, he was told by his psychiatrist to get Viagra. He didn’t. And that’s his choice. But I ended up preferring no sex to crap sex. It’s one of the reasons that our marriage has crumbled.
Resentment is what happens, and when that sets in, it’s over.
You really need to consider putting yourself first, as he has.

I think the difference is she doesn't see this as a long term relationship, she's only using him as a convient stop gap while she waits for a better offer.