Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Friend and very overweight daughter

141 replies

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 15/06/2022 16:51

As a big caveat if friend didn’t keep complaining about other people raising concerns I’d be keeping my beak out.
I’ll also add the child in question is NT. As I know that will come up straight away.

My friend has an adult daughter she had in her teens (relevant for context later) and a 6 year old.

The six year old is really overweight. I’d not seen her for about a year and she was always a chubby kid, but saw her recently and she is really obviously VERY overweight and it seems to be getting worse. She has a big double chin, rolls of fat on her ankles/wrists/elbows like you’d expect to see on a baby, not an older child. Really not puppy fat territory. Friend eats out a lot and it’s not uncommon for her 6 year old to eat a whole pizza, share the adults sides and eat a whole adults desert portion, at home food is always very calorie dense, so they would never have tomato pasta, it would be Mac and cheese with garlic bread, for example. Every time they leave the house (no exaggeration) there is a treat: cake from a bakery, ice cream, meal out, cone of chips etc.

The adult daughter has tried to bring up that this is not good and she is worried for her sisters health and also because other children can be mean, if it will lead to issues at school. Friends response is generally that her adult daughter is jealous as when they were a child they were dirt broke so never got to go out.

When I saw my friend recently she was upset that in the last few months, a few fellow parents, the school and a GP have raised serious concerns about her daughters size and weight gain and she genuinely doesn’t see a problem. If she’d not mentioned this I’d not say anything but she seems in complete denial and now myself and another friend are wondering if we should in fact have a kind word and mention her daughter really is overweight and maybe needs to take her back to the GP to discuss how to approach it.
I do suspect a bit of it is making up for what she couldn’t offer her adult daughter as a very young mum, so needs addressing carefully but I am concerned about the implications of her current behaviour on her younger daughter.
WWYD?

OP posts:

BokoGoblin · 15/06/2022 16:53

I mean, what can you do?

She's knows. She's been told.

Contact SS? Is that the plan?

worraliberty · 15/06/2022 16:55

Stay out of it. You're not going to have more success than the school, the eldest daughter or the GP are you?

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 15/06/2022 16:56

Suggest days out to places that require fitness. Let her see her dd is actually missing out when she makes excuses not to go. Trampoline Park? Roller skating? Tennis at the local park. Bloody awful woman she is op. No excuses for an otherwise healthy dc...

ColettesEarrings · 15/06/2022 16:58

YANBU but there's not really anything you can actually do about it though, is there?

Cakecakecheese · 15/06/2022 16:58

If she mentions it again then tell her the truth but yeah if she's not listening to anyone else it seems unlikely you'll be able to get through to her.

BlackbirdsSinging · 15/06/2022 16:59

i wouldn’t say anything but you could head by example eg when you are out together eat healthily.

Spyke · 15/06/2022 16:59

Clearly a lot of people have already had a ‘kind word’ and she has just become upset with them. I would continue to be a supportive friend and be there for her/the daughter if and when they look to make changes.

catandcoffee · 15/06/2022 16:59

Stay neutral... the fact it's been noticed by the professionals speaks for itself.

Is the Father not around ?

Welshrarebit75 · 15/06/2022 16:59

Literally non of your business.

If your friend brings it up even then I’d er on the side of just being a sympathetic ear so she has someone to listen to her.

Original poster

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 15/06/2022 16:59

I wasn’t planning on talking to SS no, more having a kind but firm word with her about getting her head out of the sand.

OP posts:

OopsAnotherOne · 15/06/2022 16:59

Not quite the same, but everyone told my Nan that her dog was severely overweight because it was. We all did, the other family did, her friends did, the vet did, but she honestly thought we were all deluded and there was nothing wrong with her dog. She fed it chicken nuggets, slices of toast, croissants for breakfast (I really wish I was joking). I was young at the time but had I been older I would have done more to take the dog, but I didn't end up getting that far because the poor thing died of a heart attack at age 4. Age 4 . Some people will not listen to anything they don't want to hear, even if it means putting those close to them in danger unfortunately.

WeAreBob · 15/06/2022 17:00

You and the other friend could have a good old fashioned intervention, where you have a safe space chat and anything can be said. You don't hold back, you tell her you're doing it because you care about her and her child etc.

But be prepared for it to be the end of your friendship.

Really though, it sounds like this wont change. All those habits she has developed around food... it's too much for her to change when she really doesn't see a problem.

I would call social services. People who starve their kids are reported. People who feed their children to being this large should also be reported.

Coldnoseandtoes · 15/06/2022 17:00

It sounds like she has the blinkers firmly on. I wouldn't be likely to bring it up unprompted, but if she mentions it again I would make it clear that people were only saying something out of genuine concern. If she isn't addressing it, and in fact is actively ignoring concerns, I wouldn't be surprised if social services had to step in at some point.

Original poster

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 15/06/2022 17:00

catandcoffee · 15/06/2022 16:59

Stay neutral... the fact it's been noticed by the professionals speaks for itself.

Is the Father not around ?

No, father did one about 3 years ago. Pitches up with an expensive birthday present about a month late but that’s about it

OP posts:

1AngelicFruitCake · 15/06/2022 17:00

This is a different form of neglect and it is shocking a child so young can become so overweight. That poor girl.

PurpleDaisies · 15/06/2022 17:00

What do you think you can actually do that’s going to change anything?

WeAreBob · 15/06/2022 17:02

Welshrarebit75 · 15/06/2022 16:59

Literally non of your business.

If your friend brings it up even then I’d er on the side of just being a sympathetic ear so she has someone to listen to her.

An abused child is everyone's business.

A child being starved is abuse.
A child being seriously over fed is abuse.

This child is going to have a life long struggle with food and weight and healthy. Life long.

That is everyone's business.

CareBear50 · 15/06/2022 17:02

The next time your friend brings it up......I'd ask graciously......well friend.....do you think your child is a healthy weight and has a good wholesome diet?

Whether she says yes or no I'd suggest that she seeks objective advice.....and leave it there.....you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink

mosesbassist · 15/06/2022 17:02

Poor kid. Mum probably thinks she's being kind and giving her all she needs like she wasn't able to with the older one. Sad situation but I'd stay out of it OP

CHiSOCG · 15/06/2022 17:13

Poor kid. As the fat kid where people tried to intervene for me please do. It’s a lifetime otherwise of pain and hurt attached to weight. It’s very limiting.

Emotionalsupportviper · 15/06/2022 17:15

If the GP has commented then I assume the child has been tested for the various syndromes that can cause relentless appetite - or has your friend refused to consider it?

FlowersareEverything · 15/06/2022 17:15

I wouldn’t say anything. If the GP, school, older daughter and others can’t get through to her I doubt you will. She will know already but not want to to admit it, even to herself. If she asks you straight if you think there’s a problem of course be honest, and be ready to support her and her daughter when she does accept the problem is real.

goodcall101 · 15/06/2022 17:25

@Lastqueenofscotland2 I can understand your concern but you can’t do anything, it’s just not your place to say it. It’s important to point out also that there may be a root cause that no one understands so I wouldn’t jump to the assumption it’s something your friend is doing wrong.

For example a high proportion of obese/very obese adults experienced significant childhood trauma when compared to adults in a normal weight/overweight range. There are also genetic conditions that can give rise to obesity so a GP or a consultant, or a psychologist is best placed to advise on this- not you. While it might seem obvious to you what the problem is, there’s a good chance you don’t have the full picture and you risk damaging a friendship permanently because of a hunch.

Soontobe60 · 15/06/2022 17:26

Welshrarebit75 · 15/06/2022 16:59

Literally non of your business.

If your friend brings it up even then I’d er on the side of just being a sympathetic ear so she has someone to listen to her.

Would you say the same if her daughter were being starved?

We are so keen to make sure we dont “fat-shame” people these days that we’re keeping our mouths closed so as not to offend. But what about the child? Her health IS suffering. She will have a lifetime of health issues as a direct result of her poor diet.

Badger1970 · 15/06/2022 17:30

It is child abuse, though, surely.

She's given a child food that is doing all sorts of damage internally.

If that child was dangerously underweight, no one would ignore that.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6