Friend and very overweight daughter

[Lastqueenofscotland2]

As a big caveat if friend didn’t keep complaining about other people raising concerns I’d be keeping my beak out.
I’ll also add the child in question is NT. As I know that will come up straight away.

My friend has an adult daughter she had in her teens (relevant for context later) and a 6 year old.

The six year old is really overweight. I’d not seen her for about a year and she was always a chubby kid, but saw her recently and she is really obviously VERY overweight and it seems to be getting worse. She has a big double chin, rolls of fat on her ankles/wrists/elbows like you’d expect to see on a baby, not an older child. Really not puppy fat territory. Friend eats out a lot and it’s not uncommon for her 6 year old to eat a whole pizza, share the adults sides and eat a whole adults desert portion, at home food is always very calorie dense, so they would never have tomato pasta, it would be Mac and cheese with garlic bread, for example. Every time they leave the house (no exaggeration) there is a treat: cake from a bakery, ice cream, meal out, cone of chips etc.

The adult daughter has tried to bring up that this is not good and she is worried for her sisters health and also because other children can be mean, if it will lead to issues at school. Friends response is generally that her adult daughter is jealous as when they were a child they were dirt broke so never got to go out.

When I saw my friend recently she was upset that in the last few months, a few fellow parents, the school and a GP have raised serious concerns about her daughters size and weight gain and she genuinely doesn’t see a problem. If she’d not mentioned this I’d not say anything but she seems in complete denial and now myself and another friend are wondering if we should in fact have a kind word and mention her daughter really is overweight and maybe needs to take her back to the GP to discuss how to approach it.
I do suspect a bit of it is making up for what she couldn’t offer her adult daughter as a very young mum, so needs addressing carefully but I am concerned about the implications of her current behaviour on her younger daughter.
WWYD?

I would bring it up. The more people that do, the more chance there is of her taking note.

Over eating or over feeding is a mental health condition and will not be fixed with diet books and the brutal truth. Your friends needs professional intervention to unpick why this is happening and access to proper structured support to help them. I would stay well out of it, apart from being a kind non judgemental friend (if you want to be)

I’m surprised that when she told you she was upset about the comments that she didn’t ask you what you thought.

Obesity as a chronic condition is very poorly understood by both the public and health professionals. There will be many genetic causes that have yet to be identified. How our bodies digest food and burn calories vary between individuals and blaming people for their body weight is dangerous. I did read that she often eats adult portions - perhaps this is because she lacks the hormone which signals satiety and therefore is unable to stop? Or perhaps her body is unable to burn through the food she eats in a similar amount of time to other children her age. We do not know. Anyway, I digress but we need to stop blaming people for being obese as it's a lot more than just "poor lifestyle choices".

If she asks you outright I couldn't NOT say something.
That poor child.
Just point out the obvious, gently, and maybe it will get through. After all she is coming to you saying everyone else is saying it.

TBF my DS is over the 100% for height and weight.

The school weight checkers flagged him for being over the BMI for his age at 8 and the school suggested he do sports (already was out of school, 2 days a weel) but he joined all the school sports teams aswell (so 5 days of after school sports + 2 non school sports teams).

I am not the healthest eater ever (Im hardly chowing down on organic home grown cous-cous stuffed peppers for dinner, we shock horror sometimes even have takeaways or mcdonalds) but I am perfectly healthy weight as is dad and his sibling, my DS eats the same as us in the same amount.

He is still 4 years later (although granted sports stopped for covid) over the 100% and by far the biggest in his class height wise (taller than teacher) and still chunky.

I have no idea where it gets it from (both me and DH are tall but not chunky) but its clearly how he is built.

Some rather odd responses on this thread...

This is affecting this kid's health. It is a form of neglect too.

It is not just about the fact that this kid might be bullied because of her weight, it is also about her not getting the right food to develop a healthy body as she is growing up.

So, no you should not just ''leave it alone'' or ''mind your own business''...

If your friend has been told by people around her and healthcare professionals that there is an issue and she is refusing to do anything, then it is perfectly right to report this.

What matters here is the welfare of the kid.

As people have pointed out if the kid was starved, it would be reported. Same here, this kid's health is being damaged.

I would suggest you try to speak to the adult daughter and both of you can decide whether you want to involve social services.

It is in the best interest of the child, which always needs to come first.

Everyone who just suggests turning a blind eye, have a word with yourself...neglects come in many forms.

I feel for you OP, it’s hard to watch. My friend has always been larger and for many years was the fittest and most active of any of us. Now she’s older she has a bad hip, can’t walk uphill and gets out of breath very easily. I can’t believe she’s happy to set her daughter up for a similar life, but I don’t know if she even sees that she’s fat. Not puppy fat, she’s obese. Drinks seem to be as big an issue as food - endless cans of full sugar drinks (friend thinks sweeteners are very harmful), Frappuccinos, bubble tea etc. I dread the day she ever asks me whether I think she’s overweight, or tells me that someone has said she is. What do you say? I would never want to damage our friendship or hurt her feelings.

I think mental health support for the friend should be arranged. As mentioned previously.
But imv blaming the sad time she had when she couldn't provide for DD1 is a bit convenient. It doesn't really stack up.
Thirdly eating out cheap crap is v lazy imv. Pizza is not suitable for DCs -a slice of pizza with a big helping of salad, yes , a slice of pizza with s big helping of greens , yes,. But she's too lazy to wash salad, boil veg.
So a supportive dietician could hello, maybe GP can help there.

This is child abuse. You wouldn’t ignore it if she was starving her child.

It's child abuse. Poor girl, they're setting her up for a lifetime of issues with food, weight and poor health.

But the family will probably decline to engage with social services if they're referred as it won't be a high enough 'threat' to her health and well being to be a mandatory intervention.

It’s a very complex problem typically with many contributing variables. It’s generally accepted that 40-70% of all obesity is attributable to genetic factors. I have no doubt this contribution rises significantly for obesity in the under 10s. Beyond genetics you have, very broadly, environment, hormonal factors, and behaviour. My point is the inclination to blame parenting and feeding behaviour from the outside perspective is generally wrong, you are right that it doesn’t sound like all that healthy of a diet but also when you expect to see an unhealthy diet that’s likely what you will attend to. If the child was slim and particularly fit OP would probably view these the diet differently too or not notice it. Most children tend to eat/want to eat until they are no longer hungry, for most children that will be after they have something like a normal child-sized portion, but sometimes children will have a far greater appetite, or a normal appetite but with a “better” ability to extract and store calories from the food. Calling obesity in children a sign of abuse is irresponsible and highly likely to be incorrect.

Obesity is a health policy issue largely, a very complex one at that, and it’s unclear what the main contributing factor is but it’s almost certainly not down to lax individuals choosing to be a bit indulgent with their children or themselves. We know this because it’s a cross-country, cross-culture phenomenon which no country has yet successfully turned the tide on, despite 40 years or more of fairly reasonable healthy eating and physical activity advice and countless child focused interventions and initiatives. To say nothing of the population research and research around areas of genetic and bio-psychological causes of the condition.
Yes of course home food environment and parenting choices matter, but a whole lot of other things do too, and unless it’s you or your child you are worried about it’s just not appropriate to make a judgement on it and give advice in my opinion.

In fact, I’d say the more familiarity you have with this topic, the less likely you are to judge or be tempted to intervene.

This!!!

@Lastqueenofscotland2

Do you have a child of a similar age?

Do they/could they do an activity/club/group that they'd enjoy that FFD might enjoy too? Or regular afternoons at a trampoline park, or he'll, just the play park.

it would depend which of my friends how I'd handle it , tbh. Sadly I've been unable to help two of my god kids as those friends acknowledge the kids are overweight, but have never changed family meals/takeaway:snacks & have in fact always praised them for being big eaters and been kind of proud about the kids appetites. Hard to explain.

the kids are now older teenagers, do not exercise/play sport or walk anywhere.

they've never been allowed to join active clubs (always some excuse) and either parent will take them/pick them up from school every day despite it being within east walking distance (maybe a mile)

it's heart breaking for health, social & life.

I have other. god children and their parents would all have been easier to talk to.

Next time she raises it with you then yes I’d be honest and say that she needs to approach the GP for help. I suspect a lot of it is as she wasn’t able to offer much to her elder child she’s over compensating. She needs help with advice on cooking lower calorie meals and cutting back on treats / takeaways

i wouldn’t say anything. Just be there and support her.

it’s in hand. The school etc are aware. You don’t need to address it. If the school or GP thinks social service referral is necessary then let them deal with that. Just be a pal.

NO
Flagging up abuse to the authorities might arguably be everyone's business.But that's as far as it goes
Tackling the "abuser' certainly isnt

The daughter and mum need help/counselling or this poor kid is going to end up in a bad way. I'm guessing you have kids of a similar age? Can you maybe start a light hearted convo about average weight of kids in which case your friend might realise how overweight her dd is compared to say yours/ the average at that age range? You can't put kids on diets but you can feed them healthy food and ensure they move, enjoy sport etc
We all want to treat our kids when we can but food isn't the answer - it sets them up for a lifetime of eating-disordered misery.

My friend's nieces are very overweight (morbidly obese mum and dad) and apparently it triggered early puberty in them

Next time she brings it up what about saying your gp, the school, your other daughter and some other parents have all said the same thing. Do you think they all got together and agreed to pretend X is obese? Why do you think the doctor would do that? Why would the school?

It's rarely how they're built. Has he always been eating the same amount as you as if he's only 12 now and has been doing that a while..?

You may lose a friend, but for the sake of this girl you need to speak up.

Please speak up, if she was skin and bones people would. It’s just the same, her parents are neglectful and aren’t fit to be parents

Same issue here- my friend's child is huge, and I mean huge, man-boobs, cellulite, wearing clothes 4/5 years older than he is so they fit round his middle. She refused to have him weighed in reception as she didn't want him to feel self conscious about his weight. She was overweight as a child and her parents made a lot of passive aggressive comments which has left her with a real issue regarding any comments re weight. She's put on a lot of weight as well, so it's family- normalized, IYSWIM.
The school have brought it up with her mother, (the grandmother) and she insisted he's having a growth spurt/ tall for his age etc, they are in complete denial. My friend's very sensitive so you can't say anything. God knows I've tried to gently drop hints,i.e. diabetes, thyroid issues but they all brush it aside.

I just watched a Panarama on Obesity, there was a lovely lad who said people think those who look like him are worthless. It absolutely broke my heart. He was at a brilliant group where they worked on self esteem, education and building confidence. They said the council funding for children has been cut.
It's just dreadful for these poor kids and becomes a vicious cycle.

I don’t think I’d say anything, just because it’s none of my business and surely because she already knows.

I remember taking a gorgeous strawberry glazed pie to welcome a new family to my neighborhood.

The mum (granny?) invited me in & she was making supper for her little family. There at the table sat her 4? 5? yr old daughter or granddaughter who was absolutely enormous — the woman pulled a huge tray of chicken nuggets and chips out the oven and served them to the child as a “snack” while she waited for supper.

They were delighted with the pie, but that was the very last time I ever gifted anyone with dessert or treats. I felt incredibly guilty that I had contributed to that little girl’s weight. She had to have weighed over 10 stone at 5. I weighed less than that at 40.

I’ll never understand the “I love you so I’ll overfeed you” mindset.