Friend and very overweight daughter

[Lastqueenofscotland2]

As a big caveat if friend didn’t keep complaining about other people raising concerns I’d be keeping my beak out.
I’ll also add the child in question is NT. As I know that will come up straight away.

My friend has an adult daughter she had in her teens (relevant for context later) and a 6 year old.

The six year old is really overweight. I’d not seen her for about a year and she was always a chubby kid, but saw her recently and she is really obviously VERY overweight and it seems to be getting worse. She has a big double chin, rolls of fat on her ankles/wrists/elbows like you’d expect to see on a baby, not an older child. Really not puppy fat territory. Friend eats out a lot and it’s not uncommon for her 6 year old to eat a whole pizza, share the adults sides and eat a whole adults desert portion, at home food is always very calorie dense, so they would never have tomato pasta, it would be Mac and cheese with garlic bread, for example. Every time they leave the house (no exaggeration) there is a treat: cake from a bakery, ice cream, meal out, cone of chips etc.

The adult daughter has tried to bring up that this is not good and she is worried for her sisters health and also because other children can be mean, if it will lead to issues at school. Friends response is generally that her adult daughter is jealous as when they were a child they were dirt broke so never got to go out.

When I saw my friend recently she was upset that in the last few months, a few fellow parents, the school and a GP have raised serious concerns about her daughters size and weight gain and she genuinely doesn’t see a problem. If she’d not mentioned this I’d not say anything but she seems in complete denial and now myself and another friend are wondering if we should in fact have a kind word and mention her daughter really is overweight and maybe needs to take her back to the GP to discuss how to approach it.
I do suspect a bit of it is making up for what she couldn’t offer her adult daughter as a very young mum, so needs addressing carefully but I am concerned about the implications of her current behaviour on her younger daughter.
WWYD?

Poor adult daughter needs to leave the house before her sister explodes. Hopefully the mum is in there when she does.

Exactly this, that's why it's so bloody cruel to set up a child for that lifelong battle.

Of course people should intervene if they can.

Because it's ABUSE.

For some people, food = love, so giving more food = giving more love. Does this fit your friend?

And is the girl eating for emotional regulation? If so, eating so much food is a symptom rather than the main problem. It would be helpful in this case to go upstream and address the emotional issues.

If you do decide to bring it up with her, suggest seeing the GP for referral to a paediatrician. If the 6 year old is actually obese, it is very likely she has a genetic cause of obesity as it often presents before the age of 10 and if untreated is likely to lead to significant issues later on. Most people think that obesity is purely caused by a "bad diet" but there are other underlying issues that should be investigated too. I hope she gets some help!

Kid will almost certainly be miserable in a few years.

She has a big double chin, rolls of fat on her ankles/wrists/elbows like you’d expect to see on a baby.

Even babies aren't meant to have rolls of fat either.

@mosesbassist I believe the current theory is the hypothalamus ( which controls our appetite) will take this weight/ BMI as the set point and want to return there. Our bodies are still in the Neolithic and think a famine’s round the corner. She is setting her daughter up for a lifetime of obesity, or at least weight struggles. It must be painful to witness.

You can say your piece, but I wouldn't expect it to make any difference. The mother must already know that her daughter is overweight. Until she acknowledges that it's a problem, she is unlikely to make changes.

Poor poor girl. A child at my son's school had SS involvement because it was so bad.

Correct, and very good point about asking for a referral to a paediatrician, it’s likely a medical problem so better to recommend specialist help than getting into blaming it on the mother straight of the bat.

I hope the people insisting it’s “child abuse” read and understand this post. Medical professionals with many years of training can struggle to make the right diagnosis in these cases and it does often require quite a bit of history taking and diagnostic testing, so maybe take a beat before you decide to accuse some poor stranger of child abuse.

I'd keep quiet, if school and GP have mentioned it, it's being monitored

Actually, no, it's not everyone's business. Imagine taking that attitude to its logical conclusion. You'd have people interfering because a friend's child:

Doesn't do enough sport
Doesn't get enough sleep
Eats too many carbs
Isn't bathed every day
Is too thin
Is dressed inappropriately

The long term health of a child (I can't comment on happiness as that's very subjective) is the parents' concern.

I would deal with this by asking questions. So if your friend starts criticising the school/the Dr just ask some questions:

Why do you think they are worried?
How does the GP measure healthy weight in children?
Do you think he/she is wrong?
Do you think she has a weight problem?

You don't have to fire these questions out like it's a game show but just compassionately add them into your conversation. Sometimes questions lead to their own answers without you having to say anything.

People have lost sight of what a normal portion size is. She should be insisting the child eats from the child menu at that age.

@Ferrarilover exactly.

^This. Which you know. You just wanted to get the teeny tinies all riled up about a fat kid.

I think you should definitely say something. People like that will take silence as you implicitly saying that everything is fine, and it really isn't. She's setting the poor DD up for a lifetime of ill-health & terrible self-esteem.

There is a lot that I agree with in your post but wanted to point out that OP described what this child eats regularly: "Friend eats out a lot and it’s not uncommon for her 6 year old to eat a whole pizza, share the adults sides and eat a whole adults desert portion, at home food is always very calorie dense, so they would never have tomato pasta, it would be Mac and cheese with garlic bread, for example. Every time they leave the house (no exaggeration) there is a treat: cake from a bakery, ice cream, meal out, cone of chips etc."

Genetic causes are rarely the ONLY reason for something (obviously there are some cases where one gene will always 100% cause a disease, etc). If she does have a genetic predisposition to obesity that is all the more reason to not be eating the way she is/and the portions that she is. It is really easy to just give up and blame everything wrong with our bodies on our genetic makeup but what we put in our bodies, how much we move, our stress levels and environment are extremely important as well.

Given that the friend has brought it up with OP she clearly trusts OP’s judgement. I think OP agreeing with everyone else might be what finally makes her see sense. It’s very difficult to word it though.

Nexttime she brings up the gp or someone else saying something just say so do you thnnk theyre wrong, or why do you tnk they are saying that

they cant al be jealous can they

When I think about my own close friends, if one of them had a very obese DC and brought it up with me I WOULD ask questions, along what PP said, are you worried etc. if you’re hearing this from a lot of places I personally would take it seriously etc. or even, it’s hard to hear but your DC IS overweight. I want to support you but you and DC are too important for me to pretend like it isn’t concerning etc. Do you want to talk about it?

if the friend didn’t further conversation I’d leave it though, if she isn’t receptive nothing you say is really going to sink in.

If she raises it again you can just factually state, ‘well she is very overweight’. The more people are honest the more she might slowly see that there is a problem.

You need to stay out of this unless she specifically asks you for advice. Its a serious issue but don't wade in.

If ur friend specifically asks for ur opinion then be truthful even tho it’ll sting. Be prepared for ur friendship to cool off/breakdown tho.

otherwise I’d keep out of it. There’s plenty raised it already incl health professionals and she’s dead against them so u gtn involved when not asked isn’t going to be received well.

I feel sorry for the kid, lots of people trying to advocate but her mum is letting her down badly. Hope she sees sense soon!

I agree with @worraliberty , it’s been said by those closest to her and a medical professional. Leave it .
If she asks your opinion then you could mention your surprise/concerns.