Friend and very overweight daughter

[Lastqueenofscotland2]

As a big caveat if friend didn’t keep complaining about other people raising concerns I’d be keeping my beak out.
I’ll also add the child in question is NT. As I know that will come up straight away.

My friend has an adult daughter she had in her teens (relevant for context later) and a 6 year old.

The six year old is really overweight. I’d not seen her for about a year and she was always a chubby kid, but saw her recently and she is really obviously VERY overweight and it seems to be getting worse. She has a big double chin, rolls of fat on her ankles/wrists/elbows like you’d expect to see on a baby, not an older child. Really not puppy fat territory. Friend eats out a lot and it’s not uncommon for her 6 year old to eat a whole pizza, share the adults sides and eat a whole adults desert portion, at home food is always very calorie dense, so they would never have tomato pasta, it would be Mac and cheese with garlic bread, for example. Every time they leave the house (no exaggeration) there is a treat: cake from a bakery, ice cream, meal out, cone of chips etc.

The adult daughter has tried to bring up that this is not good and she is worried for her sisters health and also because other children can be mean, if it will lead to issues at school. Friends response is generally that her adult daughter is jealous as when they were a child they were dirt broke so never got to go out.

When I saw my friend recently she was upset that in the last few months, a few fellow parents, the school and a GP have raised serious concerns about her daughters size and weight gain and she genuinely doesn’t see a problem. If she’d not mentioned this I’d not say anything but she seems in complete denial and now myself and another friend are wondering if we should in fact have a kind word and mention her daughter really is overweight and maybe needs to take her back to the GP to discuss how to approach it.
I do suspect a bit of it is making up for what she couldn’t offer her adult daughter as a very young mum, so needs addressing carefully but I am concerned about the implications of her current behaviour on her younger daughter.
WWYD?

Obesity is a health policy issue largely, a very complex one at that, and it’s unclear what the main contributing factor is but it’s almost certainly not down to lax individuals choosing to be a bit indulgent with their children or themselves. We know this because it’s a cross-country, cross-culture phenomenon which no country has yet successfully turned the tide on

Culture surely plays a part. Just compare the USA to Japan as an example. Obviously all countries will have people who are obese but the massive difference in scale is surely noticeable between cultures.

Hi OP, sorry but I have not read everybody's answers, but I have read yours.

May I say first of all that you are a lovely person for being so concerned both for your friend and her DC.

Has your friend ever mentioned in her conversations with you that she is aware that occasionally SS have been known to take very overweight children into care? If she hasn't, or you don't know if she knows, is there any way that you can mention it to her?

If she says that that won't happen as her daughter isn't that overweight, that could be exactly the right time to say to her (you will know best how to phrase it) that actually her daughter is unhealthily overweight, that the GP would not have said so if it wasn't true, and that for other people who don't see her every day, it is obvious that she is far too heavy.

I am sure that somewhere in your conversation with her you would say that you know how much she loves and cares for her daughter, and that you are there for your friend if she wants or needs any support.

As some of the PP's have said, I think it is up to all of us to stick up for children who are being abused or neglected in any way, and unfortunately overfeeding children, or animals, is also a form of abuse. Good luck with this very sensitive issue OP, I don't think that you can ignore it now that you are consciously aware of it.

I do agree that obesity isn't fully understood by the public and health professionals and the same goes for nutrition and what we should and should not be eating and what portion sizes are correct. I am not saying that genetics might not play a role in obesity but the idea that obese people are victims to genetics is taking away their power to make healthy choices for their lives. Our relationships with food and health are complicated and I understand that. But being obese is a health concern and should be treated as such and that means seeing a doctor, seeing a mental health professional, learning what foods are healthy and which are not and what a healthy portion size is. It doesn't mean throwing your hands in the air and deeming it genetic and continuing to let your child eat an entire pizza to themselves. This mother is failing her daughter by not getting her proper medical care and by continuing to feed her unhealthy food. Moreover, she is failing herself and her daughter but not getting down to the root of the issue for herself as well.

Yes sorry that wasn’t very clear, I didn’t mean to imply it is an issue across all cultures but just that it’s a remarkably persistent problem across a range of different cultures and countries. Especially once it takes hold. Japan is exceptionally low on obesity, but it tends to be an outlier on lots of measures. Culture is definitely a factor, but it’s a macro level factor so hard to mitigate against at the individual level.

The concern here is that this mother doesn't appear to take the health of her child seriously. I do think that is abuse. What the underlaying cause is isn't relevant because the mother isn't doing what is necessary to protect her child from serious health issues both now and in the future and that is not okay.

How can anyone not notice that their child is obese? It seems really obvious from the way you describe it.

If she comes out and clearly asks you, if he gentle but honest. You need to be a good friend.

I wouldn’t proactively say anything, but if your friend whinges again about people’s concerns, I would be honest and say you think they are right and that her daughter needs help.

There are genetic factors associated with a tendency to weight gain, yes. I have several of those genes. I gain weight easily and I can massively overeat with astonishing ease. However, I was never an overweight child because my parents fed me a reasonable balanced diet. I have been overweight as an adult, but I’ve also been slim. Spoiler alert: I am overweight when, and only when, I overeat.

In most cases, people with the typical weight gain genes are only slightly heavier than average. Many of them aren’t overweight at all. Those are the people who are aware that macaroni cheese and garlic bread for tea every night is fattening so they don’t eat it. They are the people who are aware they can eat way more than they need, so they don’t over-order in restaurants in the first place. I could easily eat the jumbo fish and chip portion from my local chippy, which is insanely massive. I don’t order it though because a small one will be fine and the giant one would be pure greed.

Your friend is damaging her daughter’s health. It’s that simple. I would be honest about that.

I would struggle to be friends with somebody who could do that to a child. A mother is supposed to look after their child not risk their health. In that situation I would not openly raise it but be brutally honest if asked and not afraid to lose the friendship.

He eats the same amount as us NOW.

Obviously a toddler wasnt eating adult portions as shown by the fact non of my other kids are obese and he wasnt classed as obese until 8.

I tried to keep him on kids portions but then got accused of underfeeding him (while also being told hes getting obese scratch head) because hes now taller than me (and Im only mm off 5'8 inches).

He was a preemie born the same size as a full term baby, doctors always comment on how he was massive for being premature so always been big.

He has always towered above kids his age but his weight wasnt an issue until 8 when he got chubby and if you ask anyone they would say he looks chubby not 'fat' but it tips the BMI scales for his age as morbidly obese (but then most the other kids are a foot shorter than him too which I think plays into it, based on adult BMI for his height and then he would be in the healthy range of 22).

Im just saying that just because the school says a child is obese doesnt make it true or the parents fault.

I dont know the child in the OP, they maybe being overfeed and Im not saying in that case they aren't Im just adding that just because the schools raised the issue they often just go off the child measurements and if a kid doesnt 'fit' on that its labled a problem that needs fixing.

It’s not just the school though. It’s the GP and family friends. And the OP has given a description of the child and she sounds very overweight.

Maybe stop and think about what you would actually say that would make a positive difference? Because you and all the other 'rush in and sort it' posters on this thread haven't come up with anything other than meaningless rhetoric. Ignorance certainly comes in many forms.

No, it's not everybody's business. It's not for ill-advised, nosey/interfering people with no expertise in the area to barge in and air your opinions. Just don't.

Be a friend, with all that entails. If you don't know how to do that then pipe down and let the professionals engaged, do their job.

Worraliberty's post was right on the money.

I would do an intervention along your other friend. If she doesn't act now that child will struggle most her life to loose that weight. She needs to learn healthy habits from childhood.

It's abuse, I was a size 24 by the time I was 18. It took me years to realise that my mum was 'keeping me fat' so I'd not make friends/leave her. Once your fat you get into an endless cycle of being unhappy and eating for comfort. My lightbulb moment came when I realised I didn't have a job until I was 18 so where was the food coming from..........
Doubt you can do anything looking back now I suspect my mum's friends did comment and she just cut them off by the time I was 18 she had no friends

@Lastqueenofscotland2 this post is over six months old, did you speak to your friend? Has her daughter lost weight?

Regardless of there being an underlying medical cause, what she is eating is unhealthy and portion control is clearly inappropriate.

If she had an underlying medical condition, surely it's even more important that the parents manage the diet.

I think childhood obesity will be a more sensitive issue going forward follow this case.

www.google.com/amp/s/news.sky.com/story/amp/kaylea-titford-father-jailed-for-more-than-7-years-over-obese-daughters-manslaughter-as-mother-gets-6-years-12821352

It is very sad, my daughter is chubby (100% chubby - not obese!) and I have been overweight since childhood.
I don't know if it's genetic, my son is 6'3 with a 28-30 inch waist so I can't be that ignorant of a healthy nutritious diet!
What I have noticed is that my daughter is actually the more fussy eater out of the two (I also would have had quite a limited diet as a child but I grew up in the 80's where it was common to be almost force fed food you didn't like on principle 🙄) so I do think given the chance she would exist off smaller portions of more calorie dense foods whilst being convinced she isn't eating a lot.
I have ensured she does a sport that she enjoys and she walks the dog regularly to get some exercise, I also insist she trys different foods including vegetables!
My daughters weight has been a considerable concern for me as a parent since she was around 2/3 years old, I don't believe the mother of the child in the OP doesn't 'see' her child's weight problems, I think it is more likely that she feels it is a huge issue that she now has no idea how to control. I imagine it won't go down well telling that particular 6 year old 'no' when she wants a dessert or second helping for example!!
Weight is such a complex issue, if you end up at either extreme it will cause problems. I don't think I would say anything about it to the mother (she knows!) but next time she is complaining about it I would ask if she wanted help finding services to support her daughter.