Friend and very overweight daughter

[Lastqueenofscotland2]

As a big caveat if friend didn’t keep complaining about other people raising concerns I’d be keeping my beak out.
I’ll also add the child in question is NT. As I know that will come up straight away.

My friend has an adult daughter she had in her teens (relevant for context later) and a 6 year old.

The six year old is really overweight. I’d not seen her for about a year and she was always a chubby kid, but saw her recently and she is really obviously VERY overweight and it seems to be getting worse. She has a big double chin, rolls of fat on her ankles/wrists/elbows like you’d expect to see on a baby, not an older child. Really not puppy fat territory. Friend eats out a lot and it’s not uncommon for her 6 year old to eat a whole pizza, share the adults sides and eat a whole adults desert portion, at home food is always very calorie dense, so they would never have tomato pasta, it would be Mac and cheese with garlic bread, for example. Every time they leave the house (no exaggeration) there is a treat: cake from a bakery, ice cream, meal out, cone of chips etc.

The adult daughter has tried to bring up that this is not good and she is worried for her sisters health and also because other children can be mean, if it will lead to issues at school. Friends response is generally that her adult daughter is jealous as when they were a child they were dirt broke so never got to go out.

When I saw my friend recently she was upset that in the last few months, a few fellow parents, the school and a GP have raised serious concerns about her daughters size and weight gain and she genuinely doesn’t see a problem. If she’d not mentioned this I’d not say anything but she seems in complete denial and now myself and another friend are wondering if we should in fact have a kind word and mention her daughter really is overweight and maybe needs to take her back to the GP to discuss how to approach it.
I do suspect a bit of it is making up for what she couldn’t offer her adult daughter as a very young mum, so needs addressing carefully but I am concerned about the implications of her current behaviour on her younger daughter.
WWYD?

It’s child abuse, it’s everyone’s business.

You are totally right. If we see a child with its rubs sticking out everyone is quick to scream abuse, yet you see a flabby, overweight child who can’t enjoy their childhood, play, run, ride bikes etc and is at serious risk of terrible health problema and nobody says anything. That poor little girl. So lovely that you and her big sister care. SS need to be involved sadly if the mother is that stupid.

That is just so incredibly sad.

It's abusive. I would say something.

Is your friend overweight too? If so, it may be a bigger issue than you can advise on.

Send her a set of scales, details of BMI and a book on childhood obesity or emotional eating via Amazon so it's anonymous.

Alternatively, take some photos that include the child. A lot of people can't even "see" their own fat issues until they see themselves in a photo.

My friend has this with her daughter, when her grand daughter was 5. And wearing 9 year old clothes, which were too long for her, but needed to g9 round her waist.

the child had little breasts. At 5. As an example, the mum posted a pic on FB showing her child eating an entire (full sized) tin of baked beans and two slices of bread and butter. For breakfast

and her hair was greasy, never brushed and she generally looked uncared for. My friend tried OTT talk to her daughter about it, as she is genuinely concerned. She tried to be tactful, said she was speaking from a place of love.

her daughter blew up, told her she was a terrible person and stated her child was beautiful and was NOT fat. And stopped all contact. blocked her on FB.

through another friend, she sees FB photos of her grand daughter. Who is now 6 and wearing adult sized dresses, still looking very unkempt.

I wouldn't proactively have a word. I don't think you will persuade when noone else. However if she brings it up, I'd ask gentle probing questions like "well are you worried about it?" "What did the GP say?" , "What are you going to do?" "Has DD said anything?" . See if she starts to open up or initiates a conversation. She's been told, so she doesn't need you to tell her or tell her what you think. She might be feeling very defensive and start to admit some worries if she doesn't feel judged or lectured.

I would ask her why she doesn't believe a health professional or any of the other people who have commented .

This is a good plan of action, thank you.

I wouldn't do anything OP.

This
Please stay out of it. It is so easy to do more harm than good. Disordered eating is SO common in secondary school caused by "helpful comments" planting the seed in their minds
Anorexia is much much worse thana chubby kid

Surely the long term health and happinesss of our friends children is everyone's business?

Quite @WeAreBob.

Actual professionals have brought this up, with the mother. So leave them do their job, and as her friend be there as her friend.

Perhaps the massive leap from someone’s opinion a child is overweight to them being abused is why the mother is defensive/in denial. (If she even is).

I really believe that once the fat cells are produced, to accommodate the excess, it is a life time of struggling to lose weight. Those fat cells have a memory and want filling

I have a friend like this - eldest daughter really overweight and fed an extremely unhealthy diet by her mother. Same mother constantly crying that DD1 is bullied about her weight yet stuffs her full of junk food, takeaways, you name it. Wish I could help in some way but she takes criticism really badly so I'm staying out of it.....I know if I comment she will freak out..

I do believe children's health and safety is everyone's business but with eating/weight its a very tricky area to intervene with unless you are a HCP involved with the child.

A parent of a girl in my sons class has been quite open about issues she's had with professionals 'sticking their nose in'.

Her daughter is 8 years old and she confided in me that she's 8.5 stone. For a child, and the height she is, that's astonishing.

Her mum always calls it puppy fat and says she will grow out of it.
She's gotten bigger and bigger since nursery, when she did have puppy fat, but was still also significantly larger than other children then.

She can't run without gasping for breath, she is always sluggish and tired and wears age 12-13 size school uniform that still stretches over her tummy but is obviously too long and not a good fit.

It's sad and worrying. I honestly don't sit in judgement there are obviously underlying issues and problems with food that need working through, but her mum just won't be told and won't change her ways. She turns up after school with multipacks of snacks and cans of coke.

I wish there was something I could do to help this child not potentially have a lifetime of ridicule and weight struggles but what can I do? I'm just an acquaintance really.

I have a friend who is v overweight and her 13 yo DD is v overweight too. It's such a shame.
They are similar in that every trip out of the house involves eating. If it's not a meal out, it's a "treat" or a "shall we just get McDonalds:pizza/Chinese/Indian/KFC for dinner tonight.
It's child abuse IMO.

Agree. This is a serious health issue and setting this child up for a lifetime of an unhealthy relationship with food and severe health consequences. It is abuse.

The professionals are already involved, why on earth would you make things even worse for your friend? Clearly there is an issue, what she needs from you as a friend and not a social worker is someone that has got her back, that listens without judgment, and does not get involved as judge and jury. She is unlikely to forgive you.

She will be facing a difficult time, so you either support her or you distance yourself gently and kindly from the friendship, she won't need your lectures or random amazon deliveries with diet books (how unkind!) and your hinting. She knows already.

It is so sad to see children slipping into being overweight and then obese and must be so hard to watch at close range, but I urge you to stay quiet unless she asks for advice and that would be the case whatever problem she was facing. Unsolicited opinion and advice is rarely well received.

This is really hard. I have some personal experience of a similar situation. What is most sad is that whatever happens, based on how bad it has got, this is likely going to be an ongoing struggle for the rest of that child's life.

When the Mother complains about the weight issue what is she actuallly saying ?
Is she complaining that she cannot get clothes to fit her ?
Does she just want a sounding board , someone to whinge at ? To agree Oh how terrible that other people has made comments and the little girl needs a treat
Or is she asking for your input in a roundabout way ? Can you put it in her court and say What do you intend to do ?
The school holidays are coming up , ideal time to get her into activities and re think her diet .

It doesn't sound like this is just a "chubby kid" it sounds like this is an obese child and obesity like anorexia is a form of disordered eating and needs to be taken as seriously as anorexia from a health/mental health perspective. Obesity isn't something we should just shut up and ignore. Being overweight, being obese and inflicting that on your children is abuse (to your children and your own body). The longterm health consequences to being overweight or obese are well known and yet we all have to act as if it is fine because so many of us are overweight and find it triggering to be told that carrying extra weight on your body isn't healthy. Children should be able to run and play without being out of breath or struggling to keep up, and adults should be able to walk and run without being winded within minutes (if health issues aren't at play). We are meant to be active the majority of the day and to use food as fuel for our bodies to keep them in good form and facilitate the correct running of our internal system. We are not meant to eat packaged rubbish, or use food as treats or stuff ourselves at every meal. As a society our relationship with being active and eating well is dangerously messed up and it is poor parenting to pass this on to our children.

I wouldn't hesitate to tell her, as kindly as possible, that she is risking her daughter's health by enabling this weight gain.

Say it and say it once. If she's not receptive leave the whole thing alone