Friend and very overweight daughter

[Lastqueenofscotland2]

As a big caveat if friend didn’t keep complaining about other people raising concerns I’d be keeping my beak out.
I’ll also add the child in question is NT. As I know that will come up straight away.

My friend has an adult daughter she had in her teens (relevant for context later) and a 6 year old.

The six year old is really overweight. I’d not seen her for about a year and she was always a chubby kid, but saw her recently and she is really obviously VERY overweight and it seems to be getting worse. She has a big double chin, rolls of fat on her ankles/wrists/elbows like you’d expect to see on a baby, not an older child. Really not puppy fat territory. Friend eats out a lot and it’s not uncommon for her 6 year old to eat a whole pizza, share the adults sides and eat a whole adults desert portion, at home food is always very calorie dense, so they would never have tomato pasta, it would be Mac and cheese with garlic bread, for example. Every time they leave the house (no exaggeration) there is a treat: cake from a bakery, ice cream, meal out, cone of chips etc.

The adult daughter has tried to bring up that this is not good and she is worried for her sisters health and also because other children can be mean, if it will lead to issues at school. Friends response is generally that her adult daughter is jealous as when they were a child they were dirt broke so never got to go out.

When I saw my friend recently she was upset that in the last few months, a few fellow parents, the school and a GP have raised serious concerns about her daughters size and weight gain and she genuinely doesn’t see a problem. If she’d not mentioned this I’d not say anything but she seems in complete denial and now myself and another friend are wondering if we should in fact have a kind word and mention her daughter really is overweight and maybe needs to take her back to the GP to discuss how to approach it.
I do suspect a bit of it is making up for what she couldn’t offer her adult daughter as a very young mum, so needs addressing carefully but I am concerned about the implications of her current behaviour on her younger daughter.
WWYD?

It’s a crap situation and a really difficult fix even if she does eventually accept it. The root issue is that this appears to be how she shows love and security to her daughter. All of the things she wishes she had or that she couldn’t give her older daughter or that she wishes the father would provide is showered on this girl through food and sugar. If she brings it up again I would ask her questions rather than tell her answers. She already knows but is struggling to come to terms with it

From a different angle, her DD is currently 6 and other kids are cruel. My DD at 6 wasn't fat, but was a bit chubby (looking back at pics I can see this clearly, however was confident she would grow out of it as we have "slim genes" in our family and DH was the same when he was that age, now a slim adult and I've always been slim).

I wish I'd done something to address it sooner as we are now over a year into treatment for anorexia. My DD is nearly 12.

Over feeding a child to that extent is abuse. Poor child is being set up for a lifetime of problems. I’d have to say something.

@WeAreBob you simply don’t have enough information to judge if the child is being abused by being overfed. Also, overweight and obesity can be extraordinarily difficult to treat whatever their underlying cause, just ask all the American children who were put on diets and sent to fat camp throughout their childhood and still continued to struggle with fatness into adulthood. The vast majority of people who try overcome obesity fail, it doesn’t mean they shouldn’t try to treat it of course but it does mean you can’t tell by looking at people who is trying and who isn’t.

I think you and the other friend have a better chance saying it together.
”we are saying this because we love you…”

How much do you care about losing this friend?

Personally next time she complains I would say yes, she is visibly grossly obese and you need to address this. If she wasn't complaining I'd probably keep out of it but she is ...

Do you think she would W risky listen to you, OP, despite ignoring everyone else? That’s the crux of the matter.

I don’t think it will help if you say anything to your friend, it will end the friendship. School will see the child’s weight issues and will contact the correct services if it needs more attention.

If she brings it up again, I would definitely say something. Even if it cost my friendship. I would say "Do you want me to be truthful or say what you want me to hear?" And then if she asks for the truth. Tell it. Sometimes a close friend can get through more than a relative or even a GP. Even if she didn't bring it up, I would feel compelled to. Something along the lines of "You know you were talking to me about "daughter",.." And then have a frank and honest discussion with her. Her child needs you to speak up for her, she can't do it for herself at 6 years old.

*actually listen to you

My DB has a best friend (man) who was a single dad to 3 DDs. One of them, in particular, was very prone to putting on weight (sisters were much slimmer) as a child. He let them eat crisps and other snacks as it was cheaper but occasionally got fruit - and DB and me would bring around tangerines etc for the kids. When he got a DP who was also a bit overweight she encouraged more healthy eating and gradually as the girl grew up she lost the puppy fat but also wanted to exercise more and lose weight and the weight dropped off. She's still not super slim but she's a fairly normal weight for an 18 year old.

I'd suggest active family days out, buying fruit or the lighter ranges of chocolate bars/jelly pots etc for her.

At 6 the child shouldn’t be on an actual diet. They just need to eat healthily and grow into their size, rather than actively losing weight.

Poor kid is in for bullying if it isn’t tackled sooner rather than later.

Nobody is ignoring it though. If she won’t listen to health professionals, she’s not going to take any notice of @Lastqueenofscotland2. Sadly, I don’t think anything you do or say would make the slightest difference. Sorry.

Clearly no one is ignoring it as it has been brought to the mothers attention numerous times including by the GP ,but if she won't listen to everybody else why would she listen to the Op?

I agree with this.

She won’t like it but can you really sit there and agree with her that there’s no problem, when you know she is causing her DD serious health issues? I couldn’t.

Thanks for the responses all. Lots to think about

I can never ever understand how a parent can sit back and watch their child just balloon in size. So many parents are in denial about their child being overweight...puppy fat, big bones, stocky, chunky, solid etc....no they are fat, overweight and in some cases obese. Family members can see it and say it, doctors will see it and say but the parent will not see it and make no changes whatsoever. "But she doesn't like veg or she will only eat nuggets" (please note I am not talking about SEN or food issues) but just feeding your kids crap because they ask for /demand it.
It is a form of abuse, feeding your child into serious illness, to the point where they cannot run or do PE, where they are twice the size of their peers.

How can parents look at their children like this and no NOTHING and what's more...deny there is a problem.

Baffles me.

When she brings it up is she wanting you to disagree eg school sent this silly letter saying she’s obese and she’s just a big girl.
My first thought is how is she paying for it? Would that motivate friend. Eg say I’m doing a no spend challenge or I’ve worked out I spent x on take away I’m saving to take kids to y instead. Do you want to come? Are there any cooking classes etc - would you go with her.
It sounds like it’s at stage where she needs professional input.

I refuse to believe that the mum doesn't see the issue. She must know her child's obese and that her behaviour around food is the cause. She's just in denial!

You’ve answered your own question - they can’t see it.
Like a squishy baby, they think their child is fine.

When my daughter was at primary school her friend in year 1 was chubby - mum was overweight and knew it and was a feeder. Kept trying to feed my daughter lots of doughnuts etc I’ve time daughter went round for tea and mum put out a huge pizza x3 for her, the daughter and my daughter to eat, a bag of doughnuts, ice cream tubs and then chocolate - aged 6 my daughter was sick. By year 5 friend was complaining her daughter was being bullied as the chairs were too small and also that other kids were starting to say her daughter was fat - by this point she clearly was and by year 6 she was 10 stone and had ankle, knees and hip problems.

by year 7 she was school
refusing due to food and not having access to food.

I find it really sad. Both mum and daughter ate because once fat they were miserable and ate for comfort and to keep each other company.
daughter now 15 and barely moves off the couch or goes out

I guess if she tells you she is upset there is no reason whatsoever why you shouldn't gently suggest that maybe there is something in what the school etc are saying.

Do you have children? If so, is it worth suggesting a day out to somewhere with lots of activities to see if she notices that her child just can't take part and is missing out badly?

In fact, OP, maybe that’s something to say - parents often can’t tell if their child is overweight, but you can tell by her weight and the clothes sizes she is needing.

You're right. Absolutely right.