What would you make of this message?

[Glittersparkle76]

My partner and I have been together on and off for nearly 10 years and we have a 9 year old daughter.He works away in hospitality and comes back to me and my daughter when he gets days off.I woke during the early hours and found this message he had sent,all lovely until I read the part when he said he had loved others more!,I thought WTAF??,why would you even need to say that to me?,are some things best left unsaid??.He's meant to be coming back late tonight for 3 days but now I feel like telling him to fuck off and don't bother!.Am I overreacting to this message?,I feel like I'm second,third or even fourth best now and don't think I will ever be able to get that comment out of my head.
Even if I felt in my past I had loved others more than I do him,I would never say that to him as I don't feel it needs to be said!.
I would love others opinions on this and how they would feel if their partner sent them this message.

Really??? If he hadn’t added ‘right now’ it would be a tiny bit different … but that message tells me he still can’t let go. He’s 52 ffs not 18! 🙄

If you read it he was never with that person. He said he thought he loved that person more but how would he know as they were never together.

I just think it’s an unrequited infatuation that can stay intense and ideal for that very reason.

That message is just drivel and he was clearly pissed. I would be annoyed but I wouldn't end a relationship over it especially as you have a daughter. He's comparing intense unrequited feelings with an actual relationship, which is obviously not a meaningful comparison, and he's been an idiot and expressed himself really badly when I imagine in his drunken head he thought he was being honest and authentic.

If things between you are otherwise good, I wouldn't end a relationship over a stupid text.

I'm very sorry about your son.

😆😆😆😆😆😆😆

This message from him was totally unsolicited? I am thinking there was something from you before this questioning him about his commitment to you? Was there? It sounds to me like a response to you and he gave a very stupid answer which has led to this big blow up. Regardless I don't like the "right now.

He doesn't full-on love you @Glittersparkle76 , and he's not as bright as you.

He's even still saying 'right now' in his later message and doesn't realize there's anything wrong with that.

From what you say it also sounds like he has a drink problem.

He keeps stressing right now. That's not good.

Also he didn't apologise. I'm sorry if you feel/think is not an apology.

Definitely ask him to explain the multiple use of "right now". That's the most telling bit.

Latest text from him...
We were planning on living by the sea in a luxury caravan after our daughter has left home,mostly for a better life and being financially better off.I haven't opened the messages from him,I've just screenshot them off my homescreen,right now I don't even want to talk to him.

Oh I’ve read it … my interpretation -

I want to love you with all my heart - I’d like to do this but I actually can’t, I don’t love you with all my heart, only some of it.
I’ve loved others more - you’re second best.
I definitely didn’t want to hurt you - but I’ve said it anyway so I am hurting you.
No one I love more than I love you, right now - I loved more before, and might love someone more than you at a later date.
Thats definitely not a put down on your part - that’s exactly what it is by just saying those words.

I'm so very sorry about your son, op.

Please don't ever leave your home unless it's completely right for you, even if that means you always stay put, and never let anyone tell you you shouldn't mourn in the way that you do.

I wonder if he's harking back to some sort of intense infatuation but even then...he's in his 50s. How can someone still be that emotionally redundant and unself-aware??

To me the biggest issues in his messages are:

• His dismissal of your feelings saying you're focusing on the wrong bit
• wanting you to move and not work,be financially reliant on him, even though you've explicitly told him you need to maintain financial independence

Red flags galore for those two things.

Oh and all those finger emojis, what are those about??

I wonder... Would this relationship have lasted, @Glittersparkle76 , if you hadn't been through everything you have with your son?

Honestly? Based on this message he sounds like a self involved prick

I really think this deserves a face to face discussion as so much can get misinterpreted with text. HOWEVER....

He is doubling down. Still saying right now. Twisting it all to make it your fault for not understanding he loves only you (right now).

Does he twist other stuff too?

I am so sorry about your son too . I wouldn't want to leave that house either. Memories, your daughter, school, friends, work, financial security. He should be the one moving to you, not you going to him.

It really is all about him, isn't it.

He sounds like a bit of a loser, it’s like reading over dramatic teenage texts. Either he’s stupid or he’s deliberately trying to make you feel insecure. I’m so sorry about your son.

There was absolutely nothing from me beforehand,I was fast asleep when he sent it and woke at 4am to read that!.He does regularly send messages professing his love etc but I can't seem to move past the 'right now' and the 'loved others more' part.

Leave him based on the baffling emoji use alone.

I'm so very sorry about your son OP.
As for that specimen, he sounds worse with every update. Best place for him is mikes away from you and your daughter.

Apologies, miles not mikes.

Read your next post. Now he's guilt tripping you and dismissing your feelings as inconsequential. No real apology. Your fault for getting upset, not him for texting that crap.

I am sorry op, I think your relationship is based on hopes and dreams, not reality. It was a nice bit of escapism while you were dealing with your sons illness but you now have to deal with this. I think its time to let go.

I find it really weird that he sent the original message in the first place. It all seems a bit teenage introspective. If anyone sent this to me they would be history, it’s just weird and cringy.

OP, I think you are worth more than this nonsense. You deserve a partner, an equal, not this man.

I feel he is dismissing my feelings too,he's given a hap hazard apology but I feel he is insinuating I am in the wrong and being dramatic.He does twist things at times but I usually give as good as I get.
He's said about the future that I wouldn't need to work if I didn't want to and I've said thanks but no thanks,I need my own independence and security,he's not well off by any means but just the thought of being dependant on someone else makes me shudder.Hes said that if that's what I want to do then that's great,but I wouldn't need to.He knows I am fiercely independent.
My son wasn't his biological son and he was 10 when we got together so it really has no relevance on the duration of the relationship,however,I do sometimes wonder if we hadn't had our daughter whether we would have lasted this long.Generally the relationship is good and we rarely clash,he has just really thrown me with his message!

Is the 'luxury tourer' (an expensive camper van) something that would be funded by you selling your house and any future financial security for your daughter, by any chance?

I'm so sorry about your son and agree with a PP that you shouldn't move or even commit to move. Your DD needs stability and you need to be close to your DS' room and memorial.

As for the texts, his second message made me think he was just bad at expressing himself but I struggled with his repeated use of 'right now' when you'd specifically mentioned how hurtful it was.

You've been together a long time. You have a DD together. I really think this all merits a RL conversation not texts. I can't imagine what he can say to make it better but I'm assuming you'd already know if he is/was an unsupportive, narcissistic, negging arse which is how he comes across in messages - so it's worth a conversation to see if there was any miscommunication caused by texting. But you don't have to have that conversation now. Choose when is the best time for you.

Crikey.

So because it is something he says doesn't matter to him, you should drop it? He should care that what he has written to you matters to you.

I absolutely wouldn't move to live in a caravan by the sea with him. Not now and not in the future.

I may have misread, but have I got it right that the plan is to sell your house to buy a 'luxury caravan' together? As I understand it, these kinds of homes only depreciate in value, so I would take financial advice before you do anything like this.