To be devastated by my friend's attitude?

[loonyloo]

My friend has really upset me and I don't think IABU but my other friends/family aren't being that sympathetic so it's made me wonder if I am BU.

We were at a mutual friend's house on Saturday evening. Mutual friend told us her sister has been diagnosed with a medical condition. When she told us what it was I thought her sister was dying but apparently it's a manageable version.

We left soon after and on our way home I was talking to the first friend about a family member who died a few weeks ago and I got really upset. It was a shock for us and I think the hospital was at fault. My friend didn't say much, she said the all the right things but was sort of quiet about it and didn't seem interested.

On Sunday I WhatsApp'd her saying sorry and that mutual friend's sister's news had set me off. She replied saying it was fine and that mutual friend's sister would be okay but nothing about my family member. It seemed abrupt so I sent another message saying again that I was really upset by mutual friend's sisters news even though it's not terminal and it just made me think about my family member. She then sent me this reply:

"Jesus fucking Christ can you for once not make it all about you? It's [mutual friend's sister's] illness and all you're talking about is how upsetting it is for you. Even when you were talking about [family member that died] you were going on about how upsetting it is for you and not [family members daughters]!"

She sent a message later on apologising but I'm devastated at her attitude and don't understand how she could be so cruel. I've spoken to some of my family and a few of our other friends about it and they've either not really commented or just said that she was wrong but at least she apologised.

You don't think he experienced any genuine grief at all?

You sound exactly like a (now ex) friend of mine who was a total 'Me-Me'.

I'm sorry OP but I tend to agree with her. This situation isn't about you. I am sorry you are having to deal with grief though, it might be worth finding some professional support.

I have a good friend who often does this. She makes illness-related situations all about her. It's really annoying.
But I wouldn't have reacted as your friend had done, so I think you're both a bit in the wrong.
Sorry about your family member though.

I was thinking about the OP (who is of course being unreasonable, and I hope she wakes up and saves her friendships) and realised that there must be loads of people who behave in the same way as her. We see it quite regularly when somebody famous dies.

The best example was the circus around the death of Diana in 1997. All those people hanging around Kensington Palace, writing heartfelt messages attached to bouquets and cuddly toys about how much she’d meant to THEM and how she shared THEIR trials, and demanding that QE2 and the princes return to London to perform for them.

All the people outside London, not to be denied their share of grief thievery, queuing up to sign those ludicrous ‘books of condolence’ in which to write messages talking about themselves and THEIR grief for a women they had never met but who reminded them of their own divorce or bulimia or unhappy childhood. Look at ME and how I suffer!

I have two female relatives, an aunt and a cousin, who queued up to sign a book of condolence. Both had a wonderful time in the queue, boring the arses off strangers about THEIR feelings, although no doubt the strangers did it right back at them. I’m no royalist but I hope that the RF didn’t have to read any of the messages as part of their ‘atone for our Diana-based sins’ campaign. No doubt they’d have had to read a load of self-indulgent rubbish making Diana’s death all about the suffering of the writer.

The next time we’ll see this is when QE2 dies. I hope that the OP manages to stay away.

Oh jeez, just re-read your OP and it's not similar to what your friend's sister is going through but it's different completely.

I'd be really pissed off that you're deflecting the friend with the sister's scenario onto you and hijacking that with your grief story (sorry to hear about that by the way).

It really is never good to do this. I'd thought it was an illness similar to your friend's sister, not something completely unrelated.

I think OP has probably got the message. Grief is a very tricky thing to navigate in the first place, but the world keeps turning and new issues will affect the people around you and they then need support - if you’re unable to give it in a way that doesn’t set you off, make the right noises and step away. And if necessary get help elsewhere for your ongoing issues.

@saraclara

My word your post resonates with me…..

Lost my very beloved DP in January. He had an enormous amount of friends due to a niche career and as he put it, laughing, Z list celebrity status in our town.

I had people I’d never met or spoken to in the 11 years we were together posting statuses about their closeness, people I do know but weren’t close to sending long gushing messages and offering all sorts of well meaning but utterly pointless advice and platitudes.

I had people jockeying for position at his funeral in a chapel with limited seating which I explained on Facebook would be reserved for closest friends and family.

i’m still reeling, my life is chaos, thank god for the true support I have. It keeps being commented on how well I’m doing, keeping my business going etc etc…. Yeah well, I’ve got to eat and pay bills as I’m now a single person with nothing in place because it was sudden and could not have been predicted.

So I realise I’m actually doing exactly what the OP has done, so I apologise for that, but I truly meant to empathise….. and say I’m sorry for your loss, and it sucks to be in this shitty club xxx

I don’t think it’s that. It’s “look at how deeply I feel things, notice my ostentatious sorrow, I don’t care what effect it has on you, the widow”. I’m sorry that Saraclara had to deal with that. Pure selfishness and self-indulgence.

Your friends outburst indicates that she tries to be patient and manages to be most of the time but I think you need to look at your own behaviour to see if there is any truth in what she said.

@SleepingStandingUp - Can you cope with searing honesty? Ask her if she thinks you make it all about you frequently.

I think OP's friend's first response makes it clear what she thinks: 'Jesus fucking Christ can you for once not make it all about you?'

OP, your language is quite overwrought - you're 'devastated' at what your friend said, she was 'cruel'. This makes me think you might be quite dramatic in real life.

You also say that 'my other friends/family aren't being that sympathetic so it's made me wonder if I am BU'. This might be a good time to take an honest look at yourself. Perhaps your friend has done you a favour by pointing out your tendency to be self-obsessed or see things from your point of view, instead of other people's? Do you think there's any truth in this? How about talking to a trusted friend about this, ask them for their honest opinion.

@ReneBumsWombats

To explain that it's someone that I'm supposed to be close to, not a mere acquaintance. But you're right, she's not a best friend. I've taken a massive step back.

She also turned a group chat I'd created to tell my closest friends I'd given birth (I was very poorly so it was easier than separate messages), to be about her and work.

It makes me sad.

*I'm still bemused at the number of (non-family) people who, in messages when my husband was dying, told me they were crying.

I couldn't get my head round it. Why were they telling me? What was I supposed to say in return? And given that I, his wife, was holding it all together, why were they crying?*

I really understand this. I felt so judged after my husband died. Like I wasn’t upset enough. The reality was that I was desperately trying to hold it together for the children.

You did make it all about you though so what she said is factual.

YABU and I know a few people like you

It sounds like your conversation style needs an overhaul. By all means indulge in your own self pity, but do it in your head and prioritise showing empathy for others instead.

You did make it all about you. Not the initial telling of the story but the continual telling of the story then texting of the story. Then offended that said story didn't cause sympathy to flow your way now you're upset for being called out for making it about you by making it about you again.

Your friend is right they've apologised for telling you what you needed to hear but I'd just back off now. Don't keep looking for reasons to be offended that it isn't about you.

This.

I expect you are experiencing some pretty heavy cognitive dissonance just now.

My guess is you are almost shaking at the injustice of it all because you are the most sympathetic and empathetic of all the people you know. You are always supporting and validating other people’s emotions and you are the opposite of selfish.

The thing is; a lot of people confuse emoting at other people’s news with supporting them. They confuse wanting to be involved in other peoples crises and emotions as empathetic. This type of emoting comes across as performative (how sensitive and empathetic and deep-feeling they are) and even vampiric, and their sympathy transactional; they’ve expressed sympathy so now it’s their turn to receive. By bringing it back to your recent bereavement you wanted friend 2’s sympathy turned back to you. You then pushed and pushed via WhatsApp. You really couldn’t tolerate the lack of acknowledgement, not for even for one day.

You clearly don’t realise how transparent this is. Your friends and family have noticed it in you or they would have rushed to reassure you. In the future you need to be more self aware and catch yourself when you are about to share your own grief/stress/anxiety in response to someone raising theirs or if you are about to tell them how their news has upset or triggered you, if you are about to tell them how it’s made you feel.

If a friend but not your closest friend is going through something, it can be better to send a private message to them saying you are thinking of them and if they’d like to chat or meet up you’ll be there in a flash but that equally you understand if they’d like to do it at a later date. A performative person would want to be in there and also publicly rally mutual friends in support whilst going on about how worried and upset they are about poor Louise.

Don’t flounce and vow that’s the last time you’ll express sympathy or support anyone as clearly everyone will say you are being an emotional vampire. Just observe others more and pause and consider whether there is too much about you in your own responses.

I think it maybe comes across as attention seeking and selfish op. Your friend was trying to make it about the other friend and her sister, but you getting really upset the night before, I assume crying, and then texting the next day and telling her you were really upset by the news was making it about you.

the issue is you can’t see it. I think you need to text her and just say sorry, she is right, and your thoughts are with your friend and her sister. And maybe take some time to think through why you can’t see it.

@LightDrizzle great post. I do hope OP can reflect and take this as an opportunity for personal growth.

The next time we’ll see this is when QE2 dies. I hope that the OP manages to stay away

Highly doubt the queen's death will have near the impact of Diana to be honest, that was a 1 of a kind thing and thank fcuk.

Agreed though that the public reaction to Diana was cringe,inappropriate and ott. There is a video online of 4 Americas watching it and 2 of the guys with their arms around each other as if they were going to crack and then 1 of the guys checking to see was the camera on him, it's just pathetic. I even recall 1 of the princes in recent years saying he couldn't understand why people were on the street crying when it was his mother.

@loonyloo and here you are posting on an Internet forum making it all about you. AGAIN

I really think some people can't help themselves. I saw it again recently when I attended a wake. Some people were trying to be supportive but were relating the circumstances to their own experiences. Hearing it made me cringe, and I could see how weary of it the bereaved family members were.
I lost the 'same' family member in the same circumstances quite a number of years ago but I didn't mention it (and I'm not trying to sound superior by saying that), because I know better. When my family member died, a close friend who had also lost family members came to my house, I saw her, burst into tears and sobbed into her shoulder. She then proceeded to say repeatedly 'I know how you feel!' I wanted to scream at her - no you don't know how I feel anymore than I know how you feel. She had form for bringing up her loss at any opportunity though. I swore to myself I would never do what she did.
I think a lot of people don't quite know how to react or what to say when someone gets really bad news or dies, so they can end up saying the wrong thing, but their intentions are good. I think they mostly mean 'you're not alone and I'm here for you.'
I also think some people who've been bereaved want their ongoing sense of loss to be acknowledged, and they want someone to share their grief or perhaps even indulge them a bit. This can be very misjudged though.
OP grief can be a very personal, singular, lonely thing and your grief is clearly still raw and you want it to be acknowledged, but your timing was way off.

I'm still bemused at the number of (non-family) people who, in messages when my husband was dying, told me they were crying

that's not making anything about them, it's them supporting you.

Sorry about your relative but I'm afraid I see her point. You did make this about you at the first opportunity. She absorbed this without going down the route of getting into a convo all about your feelings and experiences so why did you keep pushing a third time? I think you need to do some reflection here as it sounds like your normal response if nobody is disagreeing with her.