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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be devastated by my friend's attitude?

381 replies

loonyloo · 14/06/2022 22:50

My friend has really upset me and I don't think IABU but my other friends/family aren't being that sympathetic so it's made me wonder if I am BU.

We were at a mutual friend's house on Saturday evening. Mutual friend told us her sister has been diagnosed with a medical condition. When she told us what it was I thought her sister was dying but apparently it's a manageable version.

We left soon after and on our way home I was talking to the first friend about a family member who died a few weeks ago and I got really upset. It was a shock for us and I think the hospital was at fault. My friend didn't say much, she said the all the right things but was sort of quiet about it and didn't seem interested.

On Sunday I WhatsApp'd her saying sorry and that mutual friend's sister's news had set me off. She replied saying it was fine and that mutual friend's sister would be okay but nothing about my family member. It seemed abrupt so I sent another message saying again that I was really upset by mutual friend's sisters news even though it's not terminal and it just made me think about my family member. She then sent me this reply:

"Jesus fucking Christ can you for once not make it all about you? It's [mutual friend's sister's] illness and all you're talking about is how upsetting it is for you. Even when you were talking about [family member that died] you were going on about how upsetting it is for you and not [family members daughters]!"

She sent a message later on apologising but I'm devastated at her attitude and don't understand how she could be so cruel. I've spoken to some of my family and a few of our other friends about it and they've either not really commented or just said that she was wrong but at least she apologised.

OP posts:
OverCCCs · 15/06/2022 12:35

SurfBox · 15/06/2022 12:29

I'm still bemused at the number of (non-family) people who, in messages when my husband was dying, told me they were crying

that's not making anything about them, it's them supporting you.

Agreed. It’s them telling you that the death of your relative, a person they weren’t related to, impacted them enough to move them to tears! Not just an “Oh, how sad” reaction but to truly feel sorrow and mourn their passing.

I appreciate knowing my loved one is missed by people outside my immediate family circle. It makes it feel like their memory is stronger by being held by more people, if that makes sense.

saraclara · 15/06/2022 12:36

SurfBox · 15/06/2022 12:29

I'm still bemused at the number of (non-family) people who, in messages when my husband was dying, told me they were crying

that's not making anything about them, it's them supporting you.

How? Them saying that meant that I took on the burden of their distress, and felt obliged to say something to comfort THEM.

I'm not saying it's a big deal. I was bemused rather than annoyed or offended. But I still find it an odd thing to say to someone in my position.

potniatheron · 15/06/2022 12:38

Great post @LightDrizzle . Unfortunately this confusion happens a lot and is encouraged in our society. For example when Sarah Everard died, women queuing up to write articles and think pieces about their experiences of violence against women. Even when Sarah's family explicitly said they didn't want it to be about that. Or when Nikki from Big Brother died, people queuing up to write blogs about their experience of eating diorders. We live in a society that encourages narcissism sadly.

AryaStarkWolf · 15/06/2022 12:40

Yeah sorry OP but your own families reactions are quite telling here, why did you keep pushing your friend to be sympathetic in the WhatsApp conversation as well, it sounds like you have form for hijacking other peoples grief/sympathy

IncompleteSenten · 15/06/2022 13:22

SurfBox · 15/06/2022 12:29

I'm still bemused at the number of (non-family) people who, in messages when my husband was dying, told me they were crying

that's not making anything about them, it's them supporting you.

No it's not.
Supporting would be "I'm so sorry for your loss, how can I help you? ", Bringing meals round, checking in etc.

Supporting is not 'look at how upset I am by your tragedy. It's just so hard for me'.

Imagine being bereaved and having some random say they're sobbing over your loss. What are you supposed to say? "I'm so sorry for my loss, how can I help you during this difficult time?"

Yarboosucks · 15/06/2022 13:29

Sorry, but a deffo YABU. Confirmed by the fact that this exchange has apparently left you "devastated". I note that you do not say what relationship you had to your family member. If it was a parent or sibling, then your friend was overly harsh.

saraclara · 15/06/2022 13:31

IncompleteSenten · 15/06/2022 13:22

No it's not.
Supporting would be "I'm so sorry for your loss, how can I help you? ", Bringing meals round, checking in etc.

Supporting is not 'look at how upset I am by your tragedy. It's just so hard for me'.

Imagine being bereaved and having some random say they're sobbing over your loss. What are you supposed to say? "I'm so sorry for my loss, how can I help you during this difficult time?"

Show quote history

Thank you for getting it.

IncompleteSenten · 15/06/2022 13:33
Flowers
WhereYouLeftIt · 15/06/2022 13:38

"On Sunday I WhatsApp'd her saying sorry and that mutual friend's sister's news had set me off. She replied saying it was fine and that mutual friend's sister would be okay but nothing about my family member. It seemed abrupt so I sent another message saying again that I was really upset by mutual friend's sisters news even though it's not terminal and it just made me think about my family member. She then sent me this reply:"

Sorry, I know you don't want to hear this, but you WERE making it all about you. You pursued your friend because you didn't think she'd been sympathetic enough to YOU. You need to work on that self-absorption, it's exhausting for those around you. Read @LightDrizzle 's post. Read it several times. It's good advice.

Ohthatsexciting · 15/06/2022 13:40

saraclara · 15/06/2022 13:31

Thank you for getting it.

Show quote history

But did they just say they were crying and that is it?

or was it in a much wider context of also offering to practically help, support, and also huge sympathy?

Ohthatsexciting · 15/06/2022 13:41

The former is shit

The latter is emphasising within much broader support

Etinoxaurus · 15/06/2022 13:46

This is a great model
Comfort in, dump out

To be devastated by my friend's attitude?
MistressoftheDarkSide · 15/06/2022 13:54

@Etinoxaurus

That is brilliant. Thank you for sharing.

Andromachehadabadday · 15/06/2022 14:00

This post reminds me of the Op last December, who was really annoyed This morning didn’t cover the outcome of a trial where the parents had killed the baby.

The Op declared the whole country was on their knees in devastation over it. She had been in tears for days over it and was going on about hard it was for her. OP also knew (and had watched) all ITVs other Daytime programmes had covered it. But wanted This Morning to cover it as well. Not because it was an important topic but because ‘they should have covered and given detail of where people could get support. It’s like they don’t care that I need support to get over this’ and kept going on about how TV channels should deal with things how she wanted them to, so SHE could be supported.

This post is similar in writing style and tone imo. Both people being grief vampires.

Rosscameasdoody · 15/06/2022 14:01

OP, I suspect the fact that you haven’t returned to the thread means that you realise from the responses that you did make it all about you. At the very least you loaded your own grief onto your friend at a time when she could least cope with it, so I understand why she sent you that text. If I were you I’d learn from it, apologise and reflect on it for the future.

saraclara · 15/06/2022 14:03

Ohthatsexciting · 15/06/2022 13:40

But did they just say they were crying and that is it?

or was it in a much wider context of also offering to practically help, support, and also huge sympathy?

Show quote history

Sympathy, yes. Help and real support? No.

Like I said. Not a huge issue, but definitely something I'd never say or do to someone in that position.
Having someone cry on me, even by message, was an extra burden, not a comfort.

Ohthatsexciting · 15/06/2022 14:03

It is a shame
because Someone like the OP will start to see friends withdraw with time and just like the friend In this scenario - they just have enough of the OP’s self-focus.

i don’t think this thread will make her change her ways

Ohthatsexciting · 15/06/2022 14:04

saraclara · 15/06/2022 14:03

Sympathy, yes. Help and real support? No.

Like I said. Not a huge issue, but definitely something I'd never say or do to someone in that position.
Having someone cry on me, even by message, was an extra burden, not a comfort.

Show quote history

Well then these weren’t true friends. Just periphery.
True friends presumably either didn’t mention their own tears or did but in a much wider supportive and loving context

Etinoxaurus · 15/06/2022 14:06

MistressoftheDarkSide · 15/06/2022 13:54

@Etinoxaurus

That is brilliant. Thank you for sharing.

It’s a great model isn’t it!
🥰

saraclara · 15/06/2022 14:11

Ohthatsexciting · 15/06/2022 14:04

Well then these weren’t true friends. Just periphery.
True friends presumably either didn’t mention their own tears or did but in a much wider supportive and loving context

Show quote history

You're still not getting it. Yes, they are really good friends. But not local to me, so couldn't offer practical help, and yes they were loving and I knew they were deeply sad. So please don't tell me they were not true friends.

The mistake they made has made clear in that ring theory posted above. Their tears needed to be shared with someone in the same or larger ring, who wouldn't be burdened by them.

stripesorspotsorwhat · 15/06/2022 14:14

You were rather crass and thoughtless.

When someone tells you their close relative has a serious or potentially life threatening illness, you don't then tell them that the news has made you upset because it reminds you of when somebody died.

Ohthatsexciting · 15/06/2022 14:19

saraclara · 15/06/2022 14:11

You're still not getting it. Yes, they are really good friends. But not local to me, so couldn't offer practical help, and yes they were loving and I knew they were deeply sad. So please don't tell me they were not true friends.

The mistake they made has made clear in that ring theory posted above. Their tears needed to be shared with someone in the same or larger ring, who wouldn't be burdened by them.

Show quote history

It is not a question of “getting it”. Becuae there is no universal “it” in this scenario.

It did not help you. And your friends sadly didn’t realise that about you.

it did help me and thankfully my friends did know this about me and my memory of my two best friends and I crying together in the garden is one of my most treasured memories

Ohthatsexciting · 15/06/2022 14:20

stripesorspotsorwhat · 15/06/2022 14:14

You were rather crass and thoughtless.

When someone tells you their close relative has a serious or potentially life threatening illness, you don't then tell them that the news has made you upset because it reminds you of when somebody died.

And also so very self absorbed

Freerangechildren · 15/06/2022 14:28

Going off topic a little, I experience a lot ofself absorbed people since the pandemic. It is like everyone can only talk endlessly about themselves. I can't remember the last time someone asked me how I am and meant it.

MistressoftheDarkSide · 15/06/2022 14:28

There’s a vast difference between sharing emotional moments with close trusted friends and those who burst into tears at the drop of a hat requiring support from the person most directly impacted. Especially in public situations where there is a rush to comfort that person while the most directly impacted stand around like a spare part in the background not wanting to eclipse someone else’s obviously deeply felt grief. I’ve been that spare part a lot in the last few months, and it makes you bury your own emotions entirely because there’s enough pain and you feel responsible for adding to it by being “difficult” ….. as I was described by one close friend to my face because I was a bit - ha- monumentally stressed organising a funeral and couldn’t quite engage to that persons standards….

if something helps one person, that’s great, but it may not help another.