To be devastated by my friend's attitude?

[loonyloo]

My friend has really upset me and I don't think IABU but my other friends/family aren't being that sympathetic so it's made me wonder if I am BU.

We were at a mutual friend's house on Saturday evening. Mutual friend told us her sister has been diagnosed with a medical condition. When she told us what it was I thought her sister was dying but apparently it's a manageable version.

We left soon after and on our way home I was talking to the first friend about a family member who died a few weeks ago and I got really upset. It was a shock for us and I think the hospital was at fault. My friend didn't say much, she said the all the right things but was sort of quiet about it and didn't seem interested.

On Sunday I WhatsApp'd her saying sorry and that mutual friend's sister's news had set me off. She replied saying it was fine and that mutual friend's sister would be okay but nothing about my family member. It seemed abrupt so I sent another message saying again that I was really upset by mutual friend's sisters news even though it's not terminal and it just made me think about my family member. She then sent me this reply:

"Jesus fucking Christ can you for once not make it all about you? It's [mutual friend's sister's] illness and all you're talking about is how upsetting it is for you. Even when you were talking about [family member that died] you were going on about how upsetting it is for you and not [family members daughters]!"

She sent a message later on apologising but I'm devastated at her attitude and don't understand how she could be so cruel. I've spoken to some of my family and a few of our other friends about it and they've either not really commented or just said that she was wrong but at least she apologised.

I expect the op wanted sympathy and was really shocked to receive very little.

Why unnecessary? Might stop the OP from upsetting other people in the future

I think you should reply to her saying you are sorry and didn’t realise you were doing that and now you have had time to reflect can see where she is coming from.

I was thinking 'FFS, it's not all about you' reading your post before I even saw the message your friend sent.

100% this.

On the off chance that this isn’t a ‘post and run’ thread and you might come back…

You say that you didn’t think your friend was particularly sympathetic or interested when you got upset. Yet then you say ‘On Sunday I WhatsApp'd her saying sorry and that mutual friend's sister's news had set me off.’ Why the apology? Had you realised that, actually, you’d gone a bit over the top, or had unreasonably unloaded on her when she had already been dealing with one upset friend? Or were you doing that thing where you apologise first in the expectation that they’ll apologise too?

I think that, when you apologised, you expected to hear ‘Oh no, I’m the one who should be sorry, you were obviously upset about your auntie, I should have been more sympathetic’ or similar. What you got was ‘Apology accepted’ - which has annoyed you because you don’t actually believe you did anything wrong. That’s why you messaged again reminding her about your family member. You thought you deserved more sympathy and were determined to get it. Well, it backfired.

Your friend’s response sounds very extreme, but if you have a habit of making things about you, I can see why what was essentially a prompt to pay more attention to you made her snap. Maybe this time it should have been about your friend with the sick sister, not you.

I used to have a friend who, no matter what was going on in other people's lives, was completely incapable of listening to them. You could almost see her waiting with baited breadth to burst in and start talking before others had even finished their sentence. She was so impatient she really didn't hear what others were saying. I gave up trying to have a conversation with her and just sat listening while she talked. Our friendship fizzled out as I just stopped contacting her.

OP, I am truly sorry for your loss, grief is an utter bitch however I do agree with what many others are saying. I suspect your friend has held it in for a long time and her outburst, while harshly delivered, was probably a long time coming. I suspect too, that those you have shared your story with and who didn't share your upset, may well be silently thinking "thank fuck someone finally said it".

You sound like a drama queen... my mother is exactly the same.

Its exausting (never ends, theres always some drama and one feeds into the next and often combine to be a 'doomsday'), privacy invading (people no longer tell her anything about their health or private lives) and frankly offensive (because no matter whose the 'victim' they have to play it) when people make other people news a big song and dance all about them.

The fact you can't let it lie and KEEP bring it up + the fact everyone is acting the same indicates you do this all the time and they are sick of it.

Time for some self reflection and growth about how its not all about you.

You made it about you

Well regardless of her thoughts she should not have sent you a WhatsApp message like that. I don’t think it’s worth losing a friend over though and she did apologise afterwards. I think you both need to try and move on from it.

I've got a couple of friends like you OP, make everything about themselves, only ever talk about themselves, show no interest in anyone else's lives, they're bloody hard work and I'm distancing myself from them!

I have this bad habit too (see I'm about to make it all about me !) where in my mind, chiming in with how I've had the similar problem is equivalent to supporting, sympathising and helpful to someone.

Now I try to wait and listen a little longer, and only chime in with history when if what I'm about to say is actually going to help the person directly. e.g. to go from 'my grandma had a shit time in hospital too - look at me!' to 'my grandma didn't have the greatest of treatment, but we raised it with PALs and x y z happened after, which might help you now'

Oh dear, I'm on your friends side here. Those WhatsApp messages really sound like you making it all about you.

So you denied her own loss? That seems harsh.
We just buried my much loved MIL. Her sister was every bit as devastated to lose her as my SIL was, and of course she'll miss the sisterly things they did together.

Who else would she share her grief with? She wasn't undermining yours, just expressing that it's unfair that her sister (and by extension, she) had missed out on the pleasures they'd otherwise have shared.

In the absence of back story, it seems excessive to have gone NC with her over, so she lost her niece and nephew as well as her sister. Would your mum have wanted that?

OP, I know people like you and cannot bare being in their company. It's like , when someone else is getting a bit of sympathy and attention - they try and out do them and make it all about them. It's awful behaviour. Remain in the present in that situation rather than bringing up past events. Sorry for your loss.

Is it inappropriate to find this funny? I hope not. Talk about tone deaf!

I sort of see where you're coming from OP. Grief can make us a bit selfish. However, I think you also learn as you get older that most people are probably coping with some form of grief or upset and it's important to acknowledge them too. The bit that swung me to thinking YABU is this I've spoken to some of my family and a few of our other friends about it and they've either not really commented or just said that she was wrong but at least she apologised. If your nearest and dearest are tacitly agreeing, rather than standing up for you, it does suggest that you do have this pattern of behaviour.

Often on MN threads you wish you could hear the other side of the story. You have pretty much given it here - even your own family seem to think your friend had a point. Maybe just use that as a way to address your behaviour.

My best friend makes everything about her. And if she can't turn the conversation to be about her, she will just ignore what she's not interested in and talk about herself.

I was made redundant. She responded about a big promotion she was getting.

I fell over while pregnant and hurt myself. She responded about her upcoming wedding (she didn't ever acknowledge the fall or ask if I was okay).

I don't tell her anything now and just send perfunctory responses.

So why do you call her your best friend?

A few years back I had a call from a close relative telling me that my auntie had breast cancer. Not once in the call did he express any sympathy for my auntie. The whole call was about him and how devastated he was and how on earth he was going to cope. He was crying but this wasn’t about her at all. And I know him well enough to know this is the case. Everything is always about him and how he feels or is affected.
Does this sound familiar?

Christ! I imagine that she sees you less as a friend than as a receptacle for her anecdotes or somebody to talk at, not to. Not acknowledging your accident is very poor for a friend. Find better ones!

I can't see what's wrong with crying while telling someone that your shared relative has cancer. What was his relationship to her?

I'm still bemused at the number of (non-family) people who, in messages when my husband was dying, told me they were crying.

I couldn't get my head round it. Why were they telling me? What was I supposed to say in return? And given that I, his wife, was holding it all together, why were they crying?

I get that the latter point was maybe irrational. But still. An odd thing to say.

That's not a best friend is it. I think sometimes people confuse best and oldest

Perhaps they wanted you to know that there were other people who cared about him / you in a different way to you but still cared enough to be sad? Rather than "gosh that's so terribly sad for him and you but I feel ambivalent about you both so that's fine by me.

Because I know he wasn’t actually upset about her. It was just something he could use for attention. It’s hard to explain but it’s the way he is.