To be devastated by my friend's attitude?

[loonyloo]

My friend has really upset me and I don't think IABU but my other friends/family aren't being that sympathetic so it's made me wonder if I am BU.

We were at a mutual friend's house on Saturday evening. Mutual friend told us her sister has been diagnosed with a medical condition. When she told us what it was I thought her sister was dying but apparently it's a manageable version.

We left soon after and on our way home I was talking to the first friend about a family member who died a few weeks ago and I got really upset. It was a shock for us and I think the hospital was at fault. My friend didn't say much, she said the all the right things but was sort of quiet about it and didn't seem interested.

On Sunday I WhatsApp'd her saying sorry and that mutual friend's sister's news had set me off. She replied saying it was fine and that mutual friend's sister would be okay but nothing about my family member. It seemed abrupt so I sent another message saying again that I was really upset by mutual friend's sisters news even though it's not terminal and it just made me think about my family member. She then sent me this reply:

"Jesus fucking Christ can you for once not make it all about you? It's [mutual friend's sister's] illness and all you're talking about is how upsetting it is for you. Even when you were talking about [family member that died] you were going on about how upsetting it is for you and not [family members daughters]!"

She sent a message later on apologising but I'm devastated at her attitude and don't understand how she could be so cruel. I've spoken to some of my family and a few of our other friends about it and they've either not really commented or just said that she was wrong but at least she apologised.

Oh OP. The unexpected ‘explosion’ of that message is quite telling. As is the reaction of your family and other friends.

Is there a chance you habitually go on and on about something and refer it always back to yourself? You may not have realised but other people may be exasperated with it. It is really annoying.

I’m sorry you feel sad about it but it might be time for some self reflection and if you don’t think you do, then maybe new friends.

This is so true. Happens all the time.
I’ve had a lot going on recently, and when I mention anything no one listens and immediately says…oh “something similar “* happened to me.

*the something similar is often a weird comparison, like I’d be upset about my mum dying of dementia, and they’d say oh my gran had dementia, she died before I was born but my mum said it was really hard

Makes me feel rubbish so I hardly ever share anything now.

Grief vampire, your friends reply is quite telling.

It's okay to relate to things but Illnesses and touchy things like that -- it's not okay to make it about yourself. She said it was okay so you didn't need to continue to explain yourself.

Don't worry it's a lesson learnt just don't do it again.

Sorry for your loss.

My take from this is that it's ok for you to have personal responses triggered by your own experience to other people (eg no concern for friend's ill sister or friend because sister isn't actually dying) but it's not ok for other people to have equally personal responses to your lack of concern or pushing for validation.

she sounds like a good friend, she was initially patient and let you talk. She only got annoyed and told you what she really thought after you pushed for validation and then she was quick to apologise spontaneously.

Not many people IRL or on here seem to think YABU. Is there some learning in that for you ?

Oh dear.

Please do not be upset by the responses.

Try to understand, you have every right to allow yourself to be upset about your family member, but that was not the right timing. Things in life will always trigger memories of your loved one, your emotions are valid. You can get upset and explain you know how it feels, you understand, give them a hug.

Learn from this and try and put yourself in your friends shoes. Maybe ask her if she wants to meet for coffee and give her an apology, tell her you get it. More importantly, Thank her for the wake up call.

I work with a woman like this. Every bloody thing becomes all about her. I can't stand it

My first ex always made everything about him and his feelings - he was always the most traumatised, the most sensitive, the most upset about everything because of how it affected him or reminded him of something else that had happened to somebody else him.

Then my brother was killed in an accident.

Despite the utterly shit relationship, despite the horrendous breakup and consequent hostilities for twenty years afterwards, the moment he knew about it he called me and asked how I was and if there was any support he could give me - he didn't say a word about himself, his relatives or even reminded me that he had an almost identical accident when he was a child, with the exception that he woke up after a week in neurological intensive care, whereas my brother didn't.

The one time where it was potentially something he could have reasonably related it to himself, he didn't.

If somebody who had always been a complete 'It's all about me and my feelings' can manage to think about somebody they don't even like and offer support without a whisper of his own experiences or feelings, I'm pretty sure that you could have managed to support your friend and not pester for more sympathy - your message was being politely ignored until you forced a response. And then you've canvassed other people for validation.

@loonyloo when your family member died did you tell your friends and did they allow you to talk about it? If so, that was the time for the focus to be on you and your grief, and the focus should've been on your friend's concerns on Saturday night.

Sharing mutual pain can feel like showing sympathy ("I know how you feel because...") but aim for empathy and just a listening ear. Doing the "me too" in that situation can seem selfish and trying to get the attention on you, even if that wasn't intended. Your friend's outburst does make it sound as though it's not the first time this has happened.

I think you need to really ask yourself honestly if there’s truth in what she’s accused you of.

It might not be intentional but do you make things about you?

I know people like this - I recently had a conversation with one about stress at work, me saying I was stressed and their response was ‘I’M so stressed to’ and they went on about their own stuff. It’s fine to relate/bring the conversation on to things you’ve experienced but there’s a limit and if you do it all the time it’s quite self centred.

There are exceptions of course. But rule of thumb if you want to support someone take their lead and focus on their feelings not showing your empathy.

I am sorry but I think she’s right op. I think if you’d stopped after the first message it wouldn’t have been so bad, I don’t understand why you felt the need to go back in again and stress how upset you were. Again.

Argh you sound like my mum! She is a lovely person with a heart of gold, but unfailingly turns every conversation into herself. I gave up trying to turn to her when I was upset years ago, as she would just inevitably start crying about something that had happened to her!

I feel sad that you're upset, but this is a great opportunity for some self awareness/insight (I'm sorry if that sounds patronising - I genuinely don't mean it that way).

I’m sorry this isn’t what you want to hear, as anyone posting such a message assumedly wants to hear that are hard done to. But as many others have said, I think she is right. This doesn’t diminish the fact you’re clearly going through something yourself. You have however made this somehow about you, perhaps as a way to complain and raise your own emotional difficulties at any opportunity you’re reminded of your own situation. Perhaps worth considering getting help to deal with these emotions so you have a healthier reaction to other people’s situations in future.

You were really unfair to your friend. When she didn't give you the response you thought you deserved, you pushed again, trying to get her to acknowledge your pain, rather than thinking about how you might make your friend feel.

No one OWES you sympathy. It's freely given or not.

You should apologise to your friend for making her feel uncomfortable.

Your friend's response of.
'Can you , FOR ONCE, not make it all about you ?"
suggests that you do this a lot.

There's been some good advice on here, take it.

OP, I think if you return to this thread , and there's a chance you may not post again due to the amount of YABU responses which you don't want to hear, you really need to be open minded about what people have said.

Your friends response sounds like she is fed up of you turning everything back to yourself, and when you didn't get the attention you wanted and pushed further for it - she snapped.

It sounds like your family feel the same, but don't want to tell you or have the conversation.

I would consider some professional help to deal with your shock and grief, and try and be better at listening - really listening and not just waiting impatiently before you can make the conversation about you again. It sounds like this has been an issue since before the passing of your family member.

Oh wow op

When someone tells you sad medical news or any sad news to be fair,you listen, ask what you can do etc not make it a competition for who's had it worse or start bawling about your issues.

It really was incredible thoughtless and hurtful to all the other parties involved.
Everyone has sad things to deal with but as an adult it's important to know when to listen and not make it all about you.

I'm sure you are devastated by your loss and that's tragic for all involved especially the person's daughter and I would really hope you're supportive to them and don't tell them about how it's affecting you .

My aunt told me how unfair it was that my mum wasn't here in their retirement so they could go to national trust places together in their old age - my mum died at 51 ,I was 23 and my brother 18.(27 years she's been gone )

She never saw us married, our children etc but all my aunt could see was how she'd missed out.
I've never forgiven her and both my brother and I are no contact.

Yes I agree with the consensus. My mum has form for this. Example I told my mum I was thinking about my dad on Father’s Day last year and was missing him as he passed a few months before. She just said how do you think I feel? I have supported her all the way through her grief but have never once been able to talk about my dad and how I feel in her company. If I mention him it is immediately turned back to her feelings. I can’t imagine not supporting my kids if their dad died.
She also said about her dad who had passed decades before and constantly tells me how she is an orphan (at the age of 82)

I don't think what you said was wrong and you've been triggered by past events in your family, of course that would upset you. However, I do think there's a time and a place for bringing up the past events which upset you (even though you're upset too, and also, controlling, if you can, your own personal upset) and even though this wasn't to the friend with the sister, it still obviously upset your other friend and it sounds like it's not the first time you've done this. You could have mentioned how it upset you another time, or not gone on about it like you appear to have done. Maybe if you'd quickly mentioned, "it upsets me because my family member also suffered from this" but then deflected back to the friend with the sister then that would have sounded more measured.

Maybe your friend has come to the end of her tether having heard similar things from you where you do have a tendency to make things all about you, so it'd be wise if I were you, to think about that and just not do it next time.

I would say, that your friend does sound a bit harsh, saying what she's said, and she has apologised, so realises she was harsh, but then the silence from the other friends (also taking into account the ones who said it's good she said was sorry and wrong) does seem to state that yes, you do have a tendency to make things about you!

I hope you aren't too upset by all of this though. I too, can take things personally and be oversensitive too, it's quite a common characteristic, so just take it easy today.

Talk to your mum about it but start by being clear that you want talk and express how you feel be clear and direct that it's uncomfortable when she doesn't let you talk, make sure that you explain that she has been able to talk about it but you never have and you want to without her butting in... Of course find a way to do this in your own words to say it without setting her off. Main rule when there's no communication is to express the problems directly and clearly and hope it's enough to come to an understanding you are both happy with.

@NeverDropYourMooncup for your loss.
Thats such an interesting story about your v flawed but ultimately coming up with the goods ex.

Yup.

You sound like a grief vampire. It's hugely annoying, immature and very self absorbed.

I know the responses seem harsh but I hope you can move forward from them op.
As others have said, when someone is talking about something, the correct way is to engage with what they're talking about. Say a few sympathetic or appropriate words, ask them questions and ask if there's anything you can do. Later, if the conversation has moved on, then you bring your own stuff up.
Engaging with the conversation applies to everything actually. Even things like holidays. You ask them about their holiday, let them talk without immediately saying 'oh that reminds me of when I went to...'
I don't know if that's what you do, but I do know people who do this and it's very annoying.

It's really annoying and frustrating when we take the time to reply to an OP and OP just doesn't bother coming back. We would like to know what you think of our advice/comments/get a discussion going. It is a discussion forum after all.
Drop n run OPers are a PITA.