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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be devastated by my friend's attitude?

381 replies

loonyloo · 14/06/2022 22:50

My friend has really upset me and I don't think IABU but my other friends/family aren't being that sympathetic so it's made me wonder if I am BU.

We were at a mutual friend's house on Saturday evening. Mutual friend told us her sister has been diagnosed with a medical condition. When she told us what it was I thought her sister was dying but apparently it's a manageable version.

We left soon after and on our way home I was talking to the first friend about a family member who died a few weeks ago and I got really upset. It was a shock for us and I think the hospital was at fault. My friend didn't say much, she said the all the right things but was sort of quiet about it and didn't seem interested.

On Sunday I WhatsApp'd her saying sorry and that mutual friend's sister's news had set me off. She replied saying it was fine and that mutual friend's sister would be okay but nothing about my family member. It seemed abrupt so I sent another message saying again that I was really upset by mutual friend's sisters news even though it's not terminal and it just made me think about my family member. She then sent me this reply:

"Jesus fucking Christ can you for once not make it all about you? It's [mutual friend's sister's] illness and all you're talking about is how upsetting it is for you. Even when you were talking about [family member that died] you were going on about how upsetting it is for you and not [family members daughters]!"

She sent a message later on apologising but I'm devastated at her attitude and don't understand how she could be so cruel. I've spoken to some of my family and a few of our other friends about it and they've either not really commented or just said that she was wrong but at least she apologised.

OP posts:
GryffindorWarrior · 15/06/2022 16:55

Firstly, sorry for your loss…

second…. Ur friend could have been more gentle in getting her point across but it seems she does have one. She gave a couple of opportunities for u to drop it and u kept needling. Maybe a bit of self reflection needed and try to be supportive of ur friend whose sister is ill without mentioning ur own experiences as they were negative and not what she needs at the moment.

Cornishpix · 15/06/2022 17:13

I’ve got another one with a similar theme. I had a friend. When I told her I was getting divorced, she burst into tears. She then talked about just how awful it would be for the children, and told me how upsetting she found it when her parents got divorced and how badly affected she was. It wasn’t the most helpful response.

My mother went one better. She flounced out of my house. Then she barely spoke to me for weeks. Then complained to me that the way I told her was thoughtless as I should have thought about how she would feel, particularly as a grandmother. (He had treated me appallingly and it had been on the cards for a while, no great surprise.) I’m not really sure how I should have told her, in her eyes, but clearly I didn’t make it enough of her tragedy and offer to comfort her 😂

Blowthemandown · 15/06/2022 17:14

AlternativePerspective · 14/06/2022 23:10

So, your friend talked about her sister being diagnosed with an illness and you turned it around to say it reminded of something you had been through.

When you didn’t get the attention you craved you reiterated that this should be all about you.

And when your friend has pointed out that you always make everything about you you post on mn making it all about you.

I say good on your friend for saying something. I know people like you ad they irritate the shit out of me. My mum has one friend in particular who has to make everything about her. When their mutual friend’s daughter died she sobbed because it reminded her of when her mother (who was 88) had died. No-one has ever had it harder than her daughter who is a single parent because, when she separated from her husband she shagged a married man and ended up pregnant. And so the list goes on. Other people don’t have problems because her’s are worse. And I wish to god someone would send her that kind of text then maybe she’d shut the fuck up for once.

No, she talked to another friend about her family member, not the one whose sister had died.

IRunbecauseILikeCake · 15/06/2022 17:39

You can be really offended by what your friend has said, or you can use this as an opportunity to think and reflect.
Your friend got some news about their immediate family member- doesn't matter if its terminal or not, it was probably a shock.

Hawkins001 · 15/06/2022 18:09

All the best and positivity op

maisieandvicks · 15/06/2022 19:31

MushyPeasPrincess · 15/06/2022 09:42

It's really annoying and frustrating when we take the time to reply to an OP and OP just doesn't bother coming back. We would like to know what you think of our advice/comments/get a discussion going. It is a discussion forum after all.
Drop n run OPers are a PITA. Grin

Show quote history

I see your point to be fair. It’s the same as starting a conversation with someone through text or on WhatsApp and not replying. I would be offended. So I appreciate where you’re coming from.

Although I think that when OP is being torn to shreds, I can understand to some degree why they wouldn’t return.

Original poster
loonyloo · 15/06/2022 21:04

Well I did not expect so many replies and I also didn't expect it to be a more or less unanimous YABU. I have a lot to think about.

Some posters seem to have got the impression that I had got upset about my bereavement in front of the friend who's sister is ill, that's not the case it was the other friend.

I think some of you have been a bit harsh, saying I've run off to another forum or that I wasn't posting again out of shame. If you must know I went to bed after I posted my OP and was at work all day today.

However I sincerely appreciate the advice most of you gave, some of you put a lot of thought into it.

I won't pretend I'm not still upset but I recognise that I need to work on my reactions to things.

OP posts:
Ohthatsexciting · 15/06/2022 21:08

That’s a good response op

although quite telling that you are surprised that overwhelming majority is saying you are being YABU (in fact most agree you are being VVU)

yes, I think you need to take this opp to pause and seriously do some thinking

Etinoxaurus · 15/06/2022 21:11

Gracious response OP
From the responses and how many posters have noticed similar behaviour, at least you know it’s not unusual!
Flowers

Teder · 15/06/2022 21:23

Very gracious response @loonyloo . This is a good opportunity for some self reflection. There’s not a person among us who doesn’t have bad traits, so don’t be beating yourself up over it. Your friend delivered a harsh message but I hope you can take it on board and move forward with it. Nobody is perfect but we are capable Of change.

mycatisannoying · 15/06/2022 21:48

HowToStopThinking · 15/06/2022 15:55

I HAD a friend like you OP. Everything had to be about and come back to her, her feelings, how triggered she is about something etc etc.

I just couldn't handle it any more, I had tried to gently speak to her about it but she lost it at me. I gave it a couple more months but felt I was walking on eggshells with her. She was also very manipulative. I just blocked her on everything, and it was the best thing for me. I used to get that horrible pit of the stomach feeling if I ever saw her name pop up on my message notifications etc and life is too short for that.

You sound JUST like her, in fact does your name begin with C by any chance!

That is bloody harsh, asking if the OP is your former friend Hmm

MushyPeasPrincess · 15/06/2022 21:56

Well done on coming back OP, can't have been an easy read, but as said, time for reflection and growth.

RenegadeMatron · 15/06/2022 22:03

Fair play to you OP.

Most people who get an overwhelming YABU response simply disappear into the ether. It takes a lot to come back and acknowledge what you’ve heard.

butterflied · 15/06/2022 22:32

Respect to you, OP, for coming back and for your reaction to the response. I lot of people wouldn't have.

badhappening · 15/06/2022 23:06

YANBU
I think you are getting a very hard time on here.

Understandably that news must have been very triggering for you and naturally you would get upset, you wouldn't be human if you didn't. It's still early days for you.

I think your 'friend' was very nasty not to at least acknowledge your upset.

Sending you my condolences Flowers

AryaStarkWolf · 15/06/2022 23:14

badhappening · 15/06/2022 23:06

YANBU
I think you are getting a very hard time on here.

Understandably that news must have been very triggering for you and naturally you would get upset, you wouldn't be human if you didn't. It's still early days for you.

I think your 'friend' was very nasty not to at least acknowledge your upset.

Sending you my condolences Flowers

She did acknowledge it though but the op wasn't happy with how sympathetic she was

Jalepenojello · 15/06/2022 23:17

She’s right. There’s a time and a place. And you chose to talk about your trauma over a time when everyone was reeling about someone else’s hard times. It isn’t appropriate. Your friend tried to be polite about it and you pushed it further.

EarringsandLipstick · 16/06/2022 07:33

RenegadeMatron · 15/06/2022 22:03

Fair play to you OP.

Most people who get an overwhelming YABU response simply disappear into the ether. It takes a lot to come back and acknowledge what you’ve heard.

Agree with this. 👏👏

Well done OP, and good luck with the next steps

Ohthatsexciting · 16/06/2022 07:35

badhappening · 15/06/2022 23:06

YANBU
I think you are getting a very hard time on here.

Understandably that news must have been very triggering for you and naturally you would get upset, you wouldn't be human if you didn't. It's still early days for you.

I think your 'friend' was very nasty not to at least acknowledge your upset.

Sending you my condolences Flowers

The friend no doubt has done in the past. Many times over

and this was the straw that broke the camel’s back

bloodyunicorns · 16/06/2022 09:36

@loonyloo , it's brave of you to come back to the thread and respond after so mnay messages. 👏

WisherWood · 16/06/2022 11:43

Understandably that news must have been very triggering for you and naturally you would get upset, you wouldn't be human if you didn't. It's still early days for you.

You can be upset but also recognise that at this point in time, it isn't all about you. Other people also have their trauma that they are dealing with. So acknowledge your own upset to yourself, but be sympathetic to others as well.

To be fair, the OP has recognised that maybe she didn't act as well as she could have done and she has come back to a thread where she did get some tough love, so respect for that.

maisieandvicks · 16/06/2022 16:29

@loonyloo I find it odd that since OP returned, all of a sudden, it’s all “oh fair play to you for coming back OP”. Whereas prior to OP’s return, 90% of posters were attempting to rip her a new arsehole.

Ah the joys of humanity and their flakiness and inability to stand by their original opinions. 🙄

Alb0 · 16/06/2022 16:32

maisieandvicks · 16/06/2022 16:29

@loonyloo I find it odd that since OP returned, all of a sudden, it’s all “oh fair play to you for coming back OP”. Whereas prior to OP’s return, 90% of posters were attempting to rip her a new arsehole.

Ah the joys of humanity and their flakiness and inability to stand by their original opinions. 🙄

@maisieandvicks Um, she came back, admitted she could do better. What do you think would be gained from continuing to hound her, when she has got the message now??? ConfusedHmm

maisieandvicks · 16/06/2022 16:38

Alb0 · 16/06/2022 16:32

@maisieandvicks Um, she came back, admitted she could do better. What do you think would be gained from continuing to hound her, when she has got the message now??? ConfusedHmm

Show quote history

How do you know based on her reply that she has definitely 100% “got the message now”?

Unless you are qualified in human psychology, you are in no position to answer this question.

Either way, I stand by what I said about the general MN consensus which is guilty before proven innocent.

It’s a thing here.

Just glad that OP has thicker skin than most.

Have a lovely day @Alb0 💐

Alb0 · 16/06/2022 16:51

maisieandvicks · 16/06/2022 16:38

How do you know based on her reply that she has definitely 100% “got the message now”?

Unless you are qualified in human psychology, you are in no position to answer this question.

Either way, I stand by what I said about the general MN consensus which is guilty before proven innocent.

It’s a thing here.

Just glad that OP has thicker skin than most.

Have a lovely day @Alb0 💐

Show quote history

She has indicated as much.

Why do you want her to be hounded even after she came back and admitted she was wrong?

Just what do you think continuing to bully her will achieve?