To be devastated by my friend's attitude?

[loonyloo]

My friend has really upset me and I don't think IABU but my other friends/family aren't being that sympathetic so it's made me wonder if I am BU.

We were at a mutual friend's house on Saturday evening. Mutual friend told us her sister has been diagnosed with a medical condition. When she told us what it was I thought her sister was dying but apparently it's a manageable version.

We left soon after and on our way home I was talking to the first friend about a family member who died a few weeks ago and I got really upset. It was a shock for us and I think the hospital was at fault. My friend didn't say much, she said the all the right things but was sort of quiet about it and didn't seem interested.

On Sunday I WhatsApp'd her saying sorry and that mutual friend's sister's news had set me off. She replied saying it was fine and that mutual friend's sister would be okay but nothing about my family member. It seemed abrupt so I sent another message saying again that I was really upset by mutual friend's sisters news even though it's not terminal and it just made me think about my family member. She then sent me this reply:

"Jesus fucking Christ can you for once not make it all about you? It's [mutual friend's sister's] illness and all you're talking about is how upsetting it is for you. Even when you were talking about [family member that died] you were going on about how upsetting it is for you and not [family members daughters]!"

She sent a message later on apologising but I'm devastated at her attitude and don't understand how she could be so cruel. I've spoken to some of my family and a few of our other friends about it and they've either not really commented or just said that she was wrong but at least she apologised.

I cannot imagine crying on someone in that situation, especially when they were closer to the person.

”ive been crying since we heard about Dave, sorry for your loss.” Or “I am so sorry to hear about Dave. He will always be remembered for his smile.” Even if you don’t offer any practical or emotional support, it’s what you say. It makes a difference.

@MistressoftheDarkSide

you feel responsible for adding to it by being “difficult” ….. as I was described by one close friend to my face because I was a bit - ha- monumentally stressed organising a funeral and couldn’t quite engage to that persons standards…

how is this possibly a close friend? I just can’t grasp even just a friend ie not close saying this to me

I think the fact that OP has not been back speaks volumes about her (lack of) self-awareness. Maybe this is the first time she has realised it and is horrified.

I had a friend like this and I had to cut contact at all after a particularly awful meet-up with a mutual friend who had just lost her brother. Friend was weeping to the sister as if her own life was ruined and like she would never recover. Meanwhile sister has to hug her and just get on. It was excruciating.

It sounds like your friend said the "right" things but wasn't effusive enough for your liking, so you continued to bring the situation up to try to get more sympathy, and she snapped. Her snapping very much makes seems like this might be a trend with you. Perhaps some introspection is in order.

I have a sister like this.
Wish she was a friend so I could drop her...honestly!

To be fair, OP didn't say this to the person whose relative was ill, she said it to another friend.

To be fair this person had provided alot of practical support, and has plenty of issues of their own, so as the allegedly older, wiser party I just sucked it up and validated them in order to preserve peace and future tranquility…. it was a very complex situation and to be fair, I was a bit rankled ….. but I didn’t have the energy for much else, and they were very well meaning.

ARE YOU LISTENING YET?

"It's not all about you"

She's posted only once.

I think that's going to be our lot.

Sorry I agree with your friend

I suspect there's a real pattern here and your 'friend' has had enough.

You sent that initial message apologising, but it's clear you weren't really apologising, you were fishing for something. When you didn't get it you sent another message, needling away to get the response you wanted, which was sympathy.

I would highly recommend seeking grief counselling OP for your loss, it's clear you need some support but you're looking for it from people who aren't able to help you. Not everyone has boundless sympathy and empathy, your friend might have had their own things going on and not be in the position to play grief counsellor to you.

This is something I struggle with since my mum passed away. It now feels like I know everyone who has lost a parents and how they died. It’s not a competition and sometimes I just want someone to listen to me rather than me making sure that they are ok too.

All I can say is that if your other friends and family members aren't leaping in and saying your friend was wrong for hauling you over the coals about making everything about yourself all the time, then they have the same opinion of you as that feisty friend does.

Basically, they think you do make everything about yourself and you do try and claw all the attention to yourself, even when it's someone else's tragedy, you find a way to get sympathy and attention for yourself above the person it's really about.

Not a good quality. Now you know, you can address it.

I’d say that it’s likely the OP won’t be back. Hopefully she’s learned something from reading replies to her post.

I agree with everyone that she sounds self absorbed and lacking in self awareness.

OP, maybe it would do you some good to speak to someone professional about your loss? Maybe you feel that you've not had time to process, or talk about, your loss, and now the focus has moved on to someone else's difficulties?

Maybe I'm way off. But just a thought.

I have a friend who just has to make every conversation about him no matter how inappropriate that is and you do sound a bit like him. In your case if it was a one-off I'd chalk it up to your grief and let it slide but from the text it sounds as though you do this a lot.

You sound like my mum.

She makes everything about her. When her friend’s husband was dying, she once said “Oh, it’s SO hard supporting a friend whose husband has cancer you know”. It’s always about her, not the person itself and not there family.

Or, about a (distant) family member who became seriously unwell at a young age - “Well, I will be upset if he dies, as I always got on well with him”. I said to her then “Yes, but not as upset as his family members!”, who he had expressed no concern for, never mind the ill relative himself.

She is generally self-absorbed though. Maybe you too OP? It might be a very good thing that your friend has been so honest with you.

you were hassling her on WhatsApp, looking for some sort of response. She responded to that behavior. I don’t think it’s indicative of larger insensitivity. She snapped because you were needling her into giving you feedback and she didn’t want to play.

I had a friend who everytime someone had something come up we would count down to her saying how something bad had happened to her. It would always be about her.

I HAD a friend like you OP. Everything had to be about and come back to her, her feelings, how triggered she is about something etc etc.

I just couldn't handle it any more, I had tried to gently speak to her about it but she lost it at me. I gave it a couple more months but felt I was walking on eggshells with her. She was also very manipulative. I just blocked her on everything, and it was the best thing for me. I used to get that horrible pit of the stomach feeling if I ever saw her name pop up on my message notifications etc and life is too short for that.

You sound JUST like her, in fact does your name begin with C by any chance!

Sorry about your family member. It does seem like you were fishing for sympathy when the current news was about your friends sister. Not entirely unreasonable if its what you need but can be annoying

I find myself doing this sometimes. Its because I am trying to find something we have in common to talk about. I always want to kick myself because I realize how it may have come off to the person I was talking to. I am really trying to be aware of it.

Yes, I know this is the sort of advice that they give in listening guides, but those guides are aimed at simple advice for the general population. They are trying to manage people like OP who will make it all about them.

I don't think I am that weird in feeling relief when I realise the person am speaking to is able to 'get' what I am saying. I think as humans we all get that lovely feeling when we realise we are with people who have experienced the same as us. That's pretty much the entire point of support groups. Especially if one's experience is traumatic or unusual.

There are ways to do this. Firstly be sure that you know enough to know your experiences are similar. Secondly, you give the person the information that you have been through something similar and then let them take control of the narrative again. You don't make it about you, but just let them know you have the experience to ' get it'.

And after all, imagine if you were telling your friend that you had been through 'X' and later you found out that had too, but had not told you throughout your entire conversation. That would feel pretty weird! And quite dishonest.

I really do think some people's interpretation of empathy is to say 'this happened to me too' or similar, but it just sounds so self-absorbed. I also know people who seem to like to play Top Trumps with their experience of loss.

To be fair to friend, she's got a point. You made an unrelated thing all about you, and when you didn't get the response you wanted, you followed up with two further messages!
Some self-reflection required OP.