To let my dd miss school on sports day?

[veralera]

She's 10. She really finds pe very difficult, she takes after me and just isn't particularly good at sports, isn't a fast runner etc etc.

She does however play for a girls football team. But being completely honest - she's by far the weakest player. She enjoys it though and I am unbelievably proud of her for sticking at it. I can guarantee that wouldn't of been me at that age.

She's had a tough couple of days, sports day is on Friday. Firstly, her football team played in a tournament on Saturday and she scored an own goal. She also passed the ball to the wrong player causing them to score on the opposite team. She was absolutely mortified and the girls on her team were (understandably to an extent) not the kindest to her.

Yesterday she had sports day practice. She came out of school very emotional because she came last in every race. She begged me to let her have sports day off school.

Now I won't lie, I do let my dc stay at home every now and then. If they seem a bit stressed, tired, run down, overwhelmed with school work etc. this doesn't happen often, it's not a regular thing but I have done it in the past and used it to spend quality one on one time with my dc.

I remember what it's like on sports day. I used to do the same thing to my mum every year and beg for the day off. I know exactly how my dd is feeling and I feel for her so much. Her confidence has really been knocked over the past couple of days.

What would you do?

Just to add - the last time she was off school was in January when she had covid. She hasn't had a day off since.

My gut is telling me to let her stay at home but equally I don't want to have this every year. And I don't want her to think she can always get out of things she doesn't want to do.

I've spent last night filling her with praise, telling her I am so proud of her regardless of sports day or anything else and making sure she's well aware of the many many positive and amazing qualities she has.

I just feel bad for her - I hate sports day even now! It's not always fun for kids or parents for that matter!

What is her sports day though. Our has some footraces. But also bean bag throw, egg and spoon, some skills that dont need to be athletic. Its rounded out so the non sporty kids have a chance to shine too.

Absolutely skip it.

I hated p.e. and both my DD and DS do. I suspect we will also have a little virus in the house on the day this year.

Give the kid a break, and a day off.

I'd fuck it off, particularly if you're in one of the areas where it'll be boiling on Friday.

I'm glad you've realised this for yourself. There are a lot of kids who don't like sports day, so the staff wouldn't dare offer another role to just one child. They'd be inundated with demands from other parents and kids if they did.

It's entirely different from finding a non performing role in a production, as per a pp's example, I'm afraid.

I don't know and that's something I am going to ask at pick up time today.

Yesterdays pe lesson was all about preparing for the running races and the relay race. I hope today that she will come out and say she's done something more fun and light that she might enjoy.

Regardless of wether she goes on Friday, I'm going to ask some of the parents at pick up today.

Me too, terrible at sport ( but enjoyed it) and gradually got better.i now run a very inclusive and very popular kids sports club.
I think your dd should go and celebrate her more athletic friends success

PE is part of the curriculum. And sports day allows those that are good at sport but weaker in the academics to shine. Its a school day so she should be at school.

I came last out of 17 girls every year on sports day in our class race. I’m not sporty. It’s fine. My parents taught me you can’t be good at everything and look for what You are good at. Kids seem to have zero resilience these days. Letting her hide away is teaching her what?

And sports day allows those that are good at sport but weaker in the academics to shine

OP isn't suggesting they not attend.

I'd keep her off , but don't lie about 'dentists' or 'injuries'.
Just say she's not coming in today.

I’m so torn on this. My DC is only in reception and already stressing about sports day in a couple of weeks, because they know they will lose. On the one hand, I don’t think opting out of something difficult is a good message to send- and it is nice to give sporty children the chance to be praised etc. On the other hand, I remember the public humiliation of sports day very well. My Mum pulled me out for a sports day in high school where I’d been entered for the 1500m race by my form- I was a terrible runner and being bullied at the time, so when I told her I had to do it she said “absolutely no way”. Ironically I now run 30 miles a week as an adult 😂

No of course not. I suggested other reasons too, but some pp up thread mentioned dyspraxia and other things that mean that it’s innately more difficult for them to be good at sports. Clearly that would inform the stance op takes or the opinions given

I kept my daughter off and had no about it at all. I wasn't prepared to make her do something that was causing her so much distress and anxiety.
Her teacher, who was amazing, was aware I was going to do it and she actually agreed with me!

I'd let her have the day off.

I attended all the primary school sports days. Hated them. Being forced to do things I didn't like in no way made the anxiety better as an adult, and even now I'd hate a team-building event or similar. In fact, they totally put me off sports. If I had been allowed to skip them and learn that there might be other exercise I enjoyed, I might be in a better position now.

The fact that it's one day means that it's not going to be enough to change attitudes to finding sports fun, or saying that coming last is Ok since you're enjoying the rest of the day (even if you're not), or that you are becoming resilient by doing things that are hard for you when you never actually improve as it's one day a year, etc. It might be different if someone was suggesting skipping every PE lesson! But one day of public humiliation and anxiety? I'd say Ok to missing it. "you have to learn that you're not good at everything" - well I think that's a lesson most kids have learned already, and they know they're bad at sports and don't really want the continual public humiliation, annoyed comments from their team, a whole day of doing things they're bad at but have to pretend to enjoy, etc. Not really a recipe for future happiness and resilience really.

@Shedcity

My daughter has no additional needs. She just takes after her mum in anything to do with sports - we're just not gifted in that area.

My eldest son does however, he has autism and goes to a specialist secondary school. In his younger years, he throughly enjoyed sports days but towards the end of primary it was an absolute no. He has an EHCP in place which meant he was supervised doing something completely different on sports day and didn't take part in any of it.

My mum let me have sports day off many times. I was and still am eternally grateful. I always came last. Was laughed at and picked on constantly by how rubbish I was. My mum was normally very strict about things but knew how much sports upset me. Even thinking back now to how I used to feel is horrible. I'm so glad my mum understood and let me stay home.

I despised sports day at secondary school and mentally it really affected me. I really wish my mum had let me have the day off. (I know your daughter is primary school). I’d let her have the day off

This was me, I used to beg my dad to let me have the day off and he did. I was last at everything and I found it embarrassing mostly and always got teased.

I totally agree with those saying that kids need to build resilience.

But in my daughters case, I think she already is by continuing to play in a girls football league each week despite knowing she's the weakest player. I said to her plenty of times that it's ok for her to stop playing but she continues to keep going which I think is massive for her and I'm proud of her for that.

Maybe just sports day is just a step too far for her this year considering she's doing something out of her comfort zone each week and being judged each time. We all have our limits and I think this just might be hers.

This post has made me realise that even more - decision made, she can have the day off!

Our school let a couple of kids help set up etc, definitely worth asking. Ds hated sports day and pe in general but was happy to help out

I'm not sure.

Normally I'm all for mental health first (I have an autistic child who can't always attend school) but I also think there is value in a child knowing they've done the hard thing and got through it.

My other child ranks sports day as her least favourite of the year, but she still takes pride in having given it a go. She's won points for her team, if only because everyone who volunteered for the long race got a point. If she comes last, fine, she learns that the world doesn't end and that is an important lesson for an academic, perfectionist, anxious child. If you regard it as ritual humiliation then she'll experience it as such, but I think it can be a building block for resilience with the right support and pep talks. Buy her some sweets for "energy" afterwards, keep repeating how proud she should be of herself whether she came last or not.

Ultimately you'll have to judge it later, but you have a lot of levers to help her get some positives from it. It's not a simple choice between protecting her mental health on one side, and subjecting her to ritual humiliation on the other.

What do you achieve if you keep your kids off school for sports because they don't like being useless at it?
Firstly, it tells your child that it is ok to not do things if you don't want to. So good luck getting them to take the bins out. What do we do if they take the bins out and spill rubbish everywhere? say "oh that's ok you're useless at it, don't bother"? or do we show them how to be efficient at taking bins out?
Secondly it doesn't give the school any encouragement to change how they run the sports day. Conversations need to be had, and i agree with pp that the reason a lot of children don't like sport at school is because of PE lessons. (i hated PE until my teacher said "oh you have long legs, try long jump" and i was bloody brilliant at it)
Thirdly, and very importantly, it doesn't build any resilience in them. Not a jot.
Fourthly, and also important: it doesn't teach anyone how to handle things like being last, or being sporting about winning and kind to those who make an effort but come last. Good sportsmanship isn't just knowing how to win, it is how to win gracefully, and how to lose knowing that you did your best.

My suggestion to OP would be to firstly find out exactly what her DD wants to bunk off from. At this point there is no indication that it's a hugely competitive event and not an inclusive event. And then if it is hugely competitive, to speak to the school and find out if the DD can do things like keeping the scores, acting as a "runner" for the staff, putting out the bean-bags etc. Learning how to be a team member is so important at that age, as much as learning that there are some things we need to work at, and some things that we can accept we're rubbish at.

And a shit experience of sport in the form of 80s/90s PE lessons is exactly why I hated sport and didn't do any exercise at all until my mid-20s. I then discovered I like going to the gym, and yoga, and cycling, and running on my own. I do not enjoy team sports or anything involving people watching.

Sports day at my school was ritual humiliation, with the PE teachers being a part of it. There was little to no encouragement, just teasing and permitted bullying from the sporty kids. I'm sure it's not like that nowadays, but it sounds like competitive sports days are still a thing in some schools and they are hell for kids who aren't any good at sports. They are putting people off sport, not encouraging them to take part. Who wants to be laughed at for coming last in a race?

But those things can be learned at events where they have a chance to improve, to be taught, etc, not just a once-a-year public humiliation episode.

I don't think you learn to do things you don't like or to become resilient by being forced to do them once a year - I never got any better at it, or enjoyed it, or learned how to be better at races or anything like that. I just dreaded it, and dreaded similar activities as an adult. I already knew I was bad, so I didn't really need to learn that either.

Yes, schools could do better in making the event less dreaded by pupils, and maybe they would be kinder to those who lose, but realistically I doubt it, not for a once a year event like this. Better to give people the choice to participate or to volunteer in organising, for example, and then you can still celebrate those who do well. And have other events where children can learn how to do sports better, and make progress and keep trying, or find different types of exercise where they do enjoy it. But for a lot of children, school sports isn't about learning, it's about being told repeatedly you're crap, or that you've let your team down, and that you should just 'be better' at it.

Sometimes it IS ok to learn that we don't have to do things that we really really don't want to do. There's a reason some people feel so strongly still as adults about sports days, and that tells me that it's more than an ordinary event that children are trying to get out of, but something that really stresses people out enough that they still remember it years later. That's not really normal, and if loads of people remember it as being anxiety-provoking and humiliating, there's something wrong there.