To let my dd miss school on sports day?

[veralera]

She's 10. She really finds pe very difficult, she takes after me and just isn't particularly good at sports, isn't a fast runner etc etc.

She does however play for a girls football team. But being completely honest - she's by far the weakest player. She enjoys it though and I am unbelievably proud of her for sticking at it. I can guarantee that wouldn't of been me at that age.

She's had a tough couple of days, sports day is on Friday. Firstly, her football team played in a tournament on Saturday and she scored an own goal. She also passed the ball to the wrong player causing them to score on the opposite team. She was absolutely mortified and the girls on her team were (understandably to an extent) not the kindest to her.

Yesterday she had sports day practice. She came out of school very emotional because she came last in every race. She begged me to let her have sports day off school.

Now I won't lie, I do let my dc stay at home every now and then. If they seem a bit stressed, tired, run down, overwhelmed with school work etc. this doesn't happen often, it's not a regular thing but I have done it in the past and used it to spend quality one on one time with my dc.

I remember what it's like on sports day. I used to do the same thing to my mum every year and beg for the day off. I know exactly how my dd is feeling and I feel for her so much. Her confidence has really been knocked over the past couple of days.

What would you do?

Just to add - the last time she was off school was in January when she had covid. She hasn't had a day off since.

My gut is telling me to let her stay at home but equally I don't want to have this every year. And I don't want her to think she can always get out of things she doesn't want to do.

I've spent last night filling her with praise, telling her I am so proud of her regardless of sports day or anything else and making sure she's well aware of the many many positive and amazing qualities she has.

I just feel bad for her - I hate sports day even now! It's not always fun for kids or parents for that matter!

[puffyisgood]

This thread is reminding me of a day when I was I suppose 14 or so, I 'pulled a sickie' on a sports day, I'd somehow ended up having my name put down to run the 100m at school, it was going to be one kid per class in a school with 8-form entry, I was by no means desperately slow, but more or less bang average, wasn't prepared to race 7 against relative cheetahs in front of the whole school. I don't think it harmed me much.

[edwinbear]

I'm a huge advocate of sports day usually, even for the non sporty kids, but in this instance, yes, I'd let her stay off. Her confidence has taken a huge knock, and another day of feeling like she's hopeless (if you genuinely believe she won't do well in anything) won't do her any good at all.

DS was entered into a pentathlon recently at a high level. He's a county level/club runner, but the events included high jump (he's the shortest in the year), shot and javelin, which he's never done. By the time it got to 'his' events (800m and long jump) his confidence was shot to pieces and he jumped a full meter below his PB. It's taken a good couple of weeks to rebuild his confidence and he's older (12) and an experienced athlete.

[ChubbyButt]

I really resonate with your daughter. I remember scoring an own goal in hockey with the wrong end of my hockey stick - and I was 16, not 10. At university, playing rugby, I passed the ball to the referee by accident. I broke my finger trying to catch a netball like a wally. The only way I can swim (even as an adult) is the doggy paddle - I just do not move forward with any other method. I was always last, always slowest - it was awful. I flat-out cannot do any sports that involve a stick/bat/club/raquet etc because I will injure myself or someone else with it.

However, does she enjoy is apart from coming last? If she's still doing football then there's clearly a part of it that enjoys - the best thing your DD can learn is that she doesn't need to be good at something for it to be fun. I ran a marathon (I use the term ran loosely), I climbed Kilimanjaro...I'm slow and bright red and puffing away, but I did it and enjoyed it (or, at least, enjoyed that I'd done it).

I genuinely don't know what to advise on the Sports Day front. Ideally, she'd build up a mentality of "it doesn't matter if I'm last because I'm having fun" and, even better, "yeah, I'm bad at this but I'm good at other stuff and I can still enjoy things I'm bad at". But, will she develop this mentality by Friday? I don't know your DD so I can't say - it sounds like she's pretty close to be honest and I don't know whether allowing her to miss Sports Day would make it better or worse.

Perhaps try asking different questions - instead of "where did you come?", ask "how many races were you in?" or "which was your favourite race?" - change the point of the conversation. IIRC, when I was at primary school, the kids who came last (i.e. me) got the best stickers!

Sorry, long post and no answer to your question. I guess my only input is that we're basically taught that you can only enjoy sport if you're good at sport and it's not true. I'm so bad at it but I find it fun - your DD might be the same.

[Cakeorchocolate]

Absolutely let her have the day off to me. Mental health is so much more important than being forced to participate in things you really don't want to.

Yes there are times we all have to do that, but there are plenty of times when we don't need to and we do anyway.

I like the idea of being able to help other ways if her school / teacher is approachable and accommodating. Sadly, it's also probably the kind of thing they might see as setting some kind of precedent though.

[Rosebel]

Give her the day off. I know people will say she's good at other things but that's not the point.
If you are rubbish at spelling no one is going to make you stand up in front of the school and parents and do spellings. So why do we do it with sports?
It's quite cruel really.

[veralera]

@Cakeorchocolate

Absolutely let her have the day off to me. Mental health is so much more important than being forced to participate in things you really don't want to.

Yes there are times we all have to do that, but there are plenty of times when we don't need to and we do anyway.

I like the idea of being able to help other ways if her school / teacher is approachable and accommodating. Sadly, it's also probably the kind of thing they might see as setting some kind of precedent though.

I'm slightly worried to even ask to be honest. If they say no then it would make things even worse. This is actually her first sports day at this school, she moved schools in September last year. So thinking about it, I don't know the school well enough, how sports day even works - I don't know if her helping would even be an option.

So thinking about it, I don't think it's a good idea to approach the school on that one.

[Charlavail]

Coming last at everything everytime isn't fun and doesn't build character.

[QueenOfRap]

I would either let her stay off or write a note requesting that your DD doesn’t take part. I’d just say she has a football related injury if it was my DD.

I have three DDs - two are very sporty, did well in sports day, play in football teams, netball and basketball teams and one (eldest) detests sports and same as your DD always came last (and was laughed at by her classmates and comments made by parents watching).

For me, her mental health was more important than an annual day of organised sports and I made sure she she got an appropriate amount of exercise throughout the year anyway.

[Shedcity]

if she takes the day off (can you afford to take the day off too?) then I’d say she needs to do some sports and exercise still.
thats what’s in her curriculum for the day. But fair enough to avoid unnecessary self esteem blows of actual sports day.
can she try some other sports she’s maybe not done before
can you do dancing, bowling, mini golf, go trampolining, a hike whatever.
why is she not good at sports do you think? SEN? not interested or competitive? Unfit? I suppose that determines your answer somewhat too

[SalmonEile]

At ten I’d let her take the day off this time and look at building her confidence and abilities for PE next year if possible

[iBrows]

I used to be like your daughter - I lost every race at sports day, used to pass the football to the wrong players etc. I’m a qualified fitness instructor now - she isn’t bad at sport, maybe she just hasn’t found HER sport.

Keep her off school and take her to do a sport she might enjoy. Swimming, trampolining, dance, horse riding or something, without the pressure of losing to her classmates.

[Honeysuckle9]

Make her go and explain that sometimes we have to do hard things. I simply don’t understand the don’t do it attitude.

OP I was exactly like you and your daughter and I don’t allow mine to do the same. It teaches you that you don’t have to do things you don’t enjoy or are not good at. Non academic kids can’t opt out so I don’t see why non sporty kids should do the same.

Mental health is stronger when you build resilience

[Porcupineintherough]

If you don't know how sports day even works at her school then surely it would be better to find out before withdrawing her? At our primary the children competed in teams rather than as individuals, with a few straight competitive races for those that wanted them.

I can't think of a clearer way of giving your dd the message that you think she is shit at sports than withdrawing her.

[JulyDreams]

@Porcupineintherough even competing in teams gives added pressure because if one of those kids didn't 'perform' as such then it's game over for the rest of them and the finger pointing would be on OP's DD, unfortunately kids are like that.

[balalake]

I think that your DD should go to school. A minor injury could be a reason not to take part (Alex Ferguson could advise how to do this as it always happened with Ryan Giggs).

[liveforsummer]

It's worth checking out if the sports day is even a competitive one. Ours isn't - it's just different team fun activities with no winning or losing. I think many schools use this format now. It's a bit crap tbh and I think most of the dc would prefer a good old sack race or egg and spoon even if they lost but on the plus side there is no upset for the less sporty kids

[Honeysuckle9]

@Rosebel For the non academic child every school day presents a challenge where they might be asked a question etc , yet we still send them to school and don’t insist on them never being asked a question.

I really do feel that we need to let kids know that now and then you need to take part in things that are hard and non your thing. What happens when the DD has to do a work team building day, imagine her anxiety when she has never had to overcome those fears as a child and just muck in. That anxiety gets worse not better as you enter teens and young adulthood

[Cookiecrumble22]

Definitely keep her off. I would do it every year if my child hated it that much. I hated it as a child my mum never understood. I don't want my kids to feel that way.

[XelaM]

I was horrendously unsporty as a kid despite being very tall and looking sporty (so the first PE day at a new school I would get picked for teams and then never ever picked again 😂). I would definitely let her have the day off. I really know how she feels. I would always come last in sports at everything and I hated ball games, as I was so uncoordinated. It always amazes me that my own daughter likes PE. I find that unnatural.

[SignOnTheWindow]

Know what? One of the best and most liberating things I've learned in life is when and how to say 'no' to things I really, really don't want to do.

Let her take the day off.

[SummerHouse]

I think she should go although I think you know your daughter best.

I think go because you can come last, be prepared for it and own it. I was last at everything. It was not physically possible for me to be anything other than last. Only when I discovered long distance did I see that I had potential to not be last. I have since run two marathons, countless half marathons and 10k races.

I also did the mums race at sports day. I knew I would be last. I was not only last but last by half a field! Well I owned that race. I was proud and amused by just how last I was. I was the poster girl for every kid that day who was last. I did it with a massive smile on my face. I know it's different, I am an adult and I had a choice. But I think that my childhood experiences shaped my iron clad confidence.

I think if you keep her home you both might feel flashes of regret. It's possible that facing it would be better for her mental health than avoiding it. But as I said, you know your daughter and if going would make her feel worse than not going, I totally understand why you would protect her from that.

[TeddyisMydog]

Like a pp this also brings back memories of being forced to attend school. I was last in every race to the point I gave up trying.
Other teams knew how slow I was so when choosing groups, I was the last one left and just had to stick with a group.
It just re enforced my hate of all things sport.

"The taking part is important" no it definitely isn't. Not when the children that came first and second got ice cream but no other children didn't. I despise sports day and will allow my children to take the day off in the future if they ask

[Myonlysunshine123]

I was only saying the other day that they should let kids opt out, some of them look so uncomfortable and embarrassed. And you can usually tell who's going to win, and the hobby parents, oh my god. Yea let your girls stay off and you could eat ice pops in the garden!

[5foot5]

Her confidence has really been knocked over the past couple of days.

But do you really think her confidence will be improved by allowing her to avoid things that worry her?

I would worry that this might be setting a pattern of never attempting or trying things she is nervous about.

I agree with what a previous poster said about the importance of building resilience.

FWIW I wasn't a terribly sporty child either. I remember once in secondary school I was chosen to run for the house in the 800m at Sports Day. Not because I was any good at it (definitely wasn't) but we were a particularly un-sporty form and literally nobody else would do it. I think I was still 200m from the finish when the first person crossed the line and by the time I did finish I was so far behind everyone else that most of the spectators had wandered off thinking the race was over. Heigh-ho, I never got asked again and I did get thanks from the form teacher for at least taking part.

[Rosebel]

@Honeysuckle9

@Rosebel For the non academic child every school day presents a challenge where they might be asked a question etc , yet we still send them to school and don’t insist on them never being asked a question.

I really do feel that we need to let kids know that now and then you need to take part in things that are hard and non your thing. What happens when the DD has to do a work team building day, imagine her anxiety when she has never had to overcome those fears as a child and just muck in. That anxiety gets worse not better as you enter teens and young adulthood

Yes that's true. However they are unlikely to be asked a question in front of the whole school, all the teachers and all the parents. So it's not the same thing.
I made my kids do sports day in primary school but now at secondary school I give them the day off as I refuse to make them do the entire day of sports when they hate it. And it's all day at secondary school and they have to do all of it
They do none competitive sports outside of school and that's enough IMO.