To let my dd miss school on sports day?

[veralera]

She's 10. She really finds pe very difficult, she takes after me and just isn't particularly good at sports, isn't a fast runner etc etc.

She does however play for a girls football team. But being completely honest - she's by far the weakest player. She enjoys it though and I am unbelievably proud of her for sticking at it. I can guarantee that wouldn't of been me at that age.

She's had a tough couple of days, sports day is on Friday. Firstly, her football team played in a tournament on Saturday and she scored an own goal. She also passed the ball to the wrong player causing them to score on the opposite team. She was absolutely mortified and the girls on her team were (understandably to an extent) not the kindest to her.

Yesterday she had sports day practice. She came out of school very emotional because she came last in every race. She begged me to let her have sports day off school.

Now I won't lie, I do let my dc stay at home every now and then. If they seem a bit stressed, tired, run down, overwhelmed with school work etc. this doesn't happen often, it's not a regular thing but I have done it in the past and used it to spend quality one on one time with my dc.

I remember what it's like on sports day. I used to do the same thing to my mum every year and beg for the day off. I know exactly how my dd is feeling and I feel for her so much. Her confidence has really been knocked over the past couple of days.

What would you do?

Just to add - the last time she was off school was in January when she had covid. She hasn't had a day off since.

My gut is telling me to let her stay at home but equally I don't want to have this every year. And I don't want her to think she can always get out of things she doesn't want to do.

I've spent last night filling her with praise, telling her I am so proud of her regardless of sports day or anything else and making sure she's well aware of the many many positive and amazing qualities she has.

I just feel bad for her - I hate sports day even now! It's not always fun for kids or parents for that matter!

[Topseyt123]

I hated school sports and PE (primary school and secondary school) with a passion. I was not sporty and was uncoordinated. I too would come last at everything. I didn't have a competitive bone in my body.

I'd probably keep her off. I really wish I could have been allowed to stay off on school sports day rather than have to suffer the ritual of public humiliation that it entailed.

I still hate school sports days even though I am 55 and my own children are now grown up so I no longer even have to go and watch. I don't know why schools continue to make such a massive song and dance about them. They are pure exhibitionism at best, and a ritual of abject humiliation at worst.

[DorothyZbornakIsAQueen]

For the non academic child every school day presents a challenge where they might be asked a question etc , yet we still send them to school and don’t insist on them never being asked a question

Yes, but someone in the lowest set for maths, would not be asked to complete and equation, in front of the whole school, alongside a child from the top set, getting placed for winning or losing, so that is a crap comparison.

I would definitely let your dd stay off and for all sports days in the future.

[Topseyt123]

@SignOnTheWindow

Know what? One of the best and most liberating things I've learned in life is when and how to say 'no' to things I really, really don't want to do.

Let her take the day off.

Actually, this is a very good way of putting it.

Same here. Although I think it took me far too long to learn it. I don't hesitate now though.

[LindaEllen]

Would she enjoy watching if she didn't have to take part? A note saying she twisted her ankle/knee could be sent - you could even put a tubular bandage on her knee a day or so before until a day or so after.

[elliejjtiny]

I would talk to the teacher and ask if she can take on a non racing role. Sports day is a lot more inclusive now than it was when I was at school. At my dc's sports day last week there were about 5 children not involved at all, one helping with the commentary, one helping give out the medals. My friend's dc who has spina bifida was the official photographer. My dc who has ehler danlos syndrome, dyspraxia and learning difficulties ran the marathon (one lap of the playing field) with a massive grin on his face and everyone clapped and cheered him as he ran the last 100 meters on his own.

[HouseofHolbein]

My youngest has sports day on the 28th. Already decided to keep her at home. Mine have stayed at home for sports day ever since my son got very badly sunburned even with loads of sun cream on because there is absolutely no shade on the field.

If the weather is bad and sports day is rained off I make them go in obviously.

[Freerangechildren]

I second letting her have a day off, the forced competition and stress is simply not worth it. My youngest never went to sports day, her hayfever was so bad and she was too skinny to run as fast as the more athletic girls and used to be wheezing and struggling to run. We used to look forward to our annual day off!

I have always let my children decide what they want to do, and give them as much autonomy as possible.
Sports day are agonising for some children, I am not sure we should teach them shame for not being faster/sportier. I would prefer to keep sports positive experiences.

[Vallmo47]

My son is staying off, but my husband thinks he should go in so I need to address the matter with him beforehand to make him understand what the actual problem is. Our son is sensitive and lacks confidence. I’m super proud of him at how far he’s come in general but to force him to attend a day where he will literally have his confidence knocked even more is a hard no for me.

Keep your kid off if you think it’s detrimental.

[Aroundtheworldin80moves]

No, my child has never been asked a maths equation in front of the school.

She has watched everyone else recieve their certificates for times tables and spellings and pen licenses.

Shes seen her name at the bottom of the class league table on the online homework systems.

Shes had to stand up with the rest of her class to do presentations in front of all the parents with another child primed to say her 5 words in case she cant. (She did it. Proudest moment ever!)

Sports day- everyone concentrated on the winners. It was horrible for her, but no other parents realised.

Fortunately she had the best supportive group of friends ever that particular year.

[ArialAnna]

I'd let her stay off, but not to hang around the house watching TV and wasting the day. Can you go do something active and fun together? E.g. cycle ride / country walk / swim / go ape

[carefullycourageous]

I would speak to the school and say your DD has a real issue and your view is you would like her to take part in some way that is non-competitive. Ask them to help.

I have always advocated for my kids in this way, until KS4 when I expect them to negotiate for themselves. It is usually only the very odd thing, but they have that option in reserve. For example one kid did not want to sing in an assembly, they were given a role organising instead.

If the school will not help, keep her off and explain why.

[TulipsGarden]

Let her have the day off. I hated sports day so much, I saw my local school having theirs last week and it made me feel a bit sick. My mum let me have the day off in the latter primary years, thank goodness.

[Mommabear20]

Sports day is more than just winning and losing! It's about team spirit and being apart of something! Letting her stay off just tells her it's okay to quit anything and everything because 'she doesn't want to!' I was one of the kids that struggled with pe, I loved swimming and did that competitively but my school didn't offer it as an option so I was dreadful at everything! I came in last in every sports day race but so what?

[Janey3090]

I always struggled with sports and as I was bullied off/on I used to worry that my lack of skill in sports would lead to more bullying, so my Mum always let me have it off. I will do the same for my future children if they feel the same.

[GetOffTheTableMabel]

She’s 10. She’s old enough to understand if you tell her that you have concerns about settling a precedent and sending a message that we don’t have to do hard things but that you think it’s fine for her to stay off this year because she’s feeling so overwhelmed.
Friday is going to be very hot. Perhaps she will “wake up with a raised temperature and need to stay off that day, just to be on the safe side”?

[XelaM]

@Shedcity why is she not good at sports do you think? SEN? not interested or competitive? Unfit? I suppose that determines your answer somewhat too

Not being sporty doesn't mean you have SEN! I definitely don't have SEN and I had a sporty look (tall and slim as a kid) but I was super unsporty and uncoordinated.

[carefullycourageous]

sending a message that we don’t have to do hard things

It is important to teach kids we don't have to always do all the hard things.

The healthiest people exist between the extremes of caving in at the first sign of trouble and relentlessly ploughing on despite their own obvious ill health/upset.

Teaching our kids when to continue and when to bow out is a real skill for life.

[cadburyegg]

I loathed sports day. Being very inflexible and having foot problems meant I wasn't sporty at all. The competitive nature of PE at school put me off exercise and sport entirely until I was in my 30s. Now I'm a runner and look back and wonder how on earth they thought it was acceptable to make unwilling kids compete against each other. Fitness is often nothing to do with it either. In primary school I worked out how to skip PE lessons without being noticed, I went to read in the library instead.

Let her stay off if she doesn't want to do it. I will do the same if my children hate it. It's one day, hardly sets a precedent.

[veralera]

Thank you for all replies - it's really useful to see things from both sides.

I haven't actually said anything to DD about wether she can stay at home yet so this has been really useful.

If I do decide to keep her home, I had already decided we would go swimming. She is 98% completed her current swimming stage but just can't get to grips of the butterfly technique so I did think we could use the day to go swimming and work on that technique with the hope that she will pass on her next lesson and build some of that confidence back up! Then go for some lunch somewhere after that.

She has more practice in pe today so I'm going to go on how she is when she comes out of school today and go with that.

[Silvernecklace]

Don't make her go. Sports Day was torture for me. My Mum who was usually very strict kept me at home one time, it was such a relief. Maybe she could have "dentist" appointment??

[cockadooodledoo]

As an adult you don't have to do anything in this way that makes you feel so uncomfortable and anxious. We generally always have a choice.

If someone told me I was going to have to go out for the day and partake in sports that I hated infront of an audience I would just say no. Nobody would be forcing me.

I don't let my kids miss important things, and things they need to learn for important life skills, for example I wouldn't let them skip PE lessons, but sports day to me just isn't important and isn't worth the level of stress or causes some children.

For some children performing and doing sports is horrendous and just not something that comes naturally to them. I don't think it achieves anything forcing them, especially when they do make an effort with sports generally.

My son is incredibly self conscious (and he's autistic). He won't undress infront of anybody and has many sensory difficulties.

I insist that he takes part in PE lessons, which he is fine with, but I have told school he won't be bringing a full pe kit and will just change to his trainers or pumps. He hasn't done a sports day yet, but depending on how he feels about it I will make a decision when the time comes.

He also can't tolerate swimming. He won't be undressed infront of anybody and can't cope with no underwear under his swim shorts.
I don't give permission for him to go swimming but I ask that he joins the class to the leisure centre and takes a book or some additional work. We work on swimming skills as a family in our own way. There's no need to force him and cause him distress.

[RandomQuest]

Let her stay off this year but be clear you’re not setting a precedent. At secondary it’ll probably be different with a lot more choice over what you do and maybe she’ll be decent at javelin or something!

[XelaM]

@Mommabear20

Sports day is more than just winning and losing! It's about team spirit and being apart of something! Letting her stay off just tells her it's okay to quit anything and everything because 'she doesn't want to!' I was one of the kids that struggled with pe, I loved swimming and did that competitively but my school didn't offer it as an option so I was dreadful at everything! I came in last in every sports day race but so what?

Well, my daughter had a girl in her class who always came last at everything in sports and the other kids all laughed about her constantly (I'm ashamed to admit my daughter was one of them 🤦‍♀️) because she would still be running cross country when everyone was long finished. It's not a nice feeling for the kid

[doobedooboom]

Not re sports day but when I was older and hated swimming (mixed sex classes - awful for a body conscious teenager) my mum basically wrote a note each week saying I couldn't swim for some reason. Immeasurably improved my life and I have gone on to be quite successful and resilient. I don't give up at the first hurdle and I don't think the world owes me anything. I do however love my mum for not forcing me to do something she wouldn't have wanted to do herself.

[HavfrueDenizKisi]

@Honeysuckle9

@Rosebel For the non academic child every school day presents a challenge where they might be asked a question etc , yet we still send them to school and don’t insist on them never being asked a question.

I really do feel that we need to let kids know that now and then you need to take part in things that are hard and non your thing. What happens when the DD has to do a work team building day, imagine her anxiety when she has never had to overcome those fears as a child and just muck in. That anxiety gets worse not better as you enter teens and young adulthood

This.

When do you stop allowing little days off if they don't like something? Primary, secondary, when they have a job?

I do think kids aren't shown how to have resilience today. Parents pull them out of stuff left, right and centre. And yet we have greater issues with mental health in young people, not less. I wonder why?