To let my dd miss school on sports day?

[veralera]

She's 10. She really finds pe very difficult, she takes after me and just isn't particularly good at sports, isn't a fast runner etc etc.

She does however play for a girls football team. But being completely honest - she's by far the weakest player. She enjoys it though and I am unbelievably proud of her for sticking at it. I can guarantee that wouldn't of been me at that age.

She's had a tough couple of days, sports day is on Friday. Firstly, her football team played in a tournament on Saturday and she scored an own goal. She also passed the ball to the wrong player causing them to score on the opposite team. She was absolutely mortified and the girls on her team were (understandably to an extent) not the kindest to her.

Yesterday she had sports day practice. She came out of school very emotional because she came last in every race. She begged me to let her have sports day off school.

Now I won't lie, I do let my dc stay at home every now and then. If they seem a bit stressed, tired, run down, overwhelmed with school work etc. this doesn't happen often, it's not a regular thing but I have done it in the past and used it to spend quality one on one time with my dc.

I remember what it's like on sports day. I used to do the same thing to my mum every year and beg for the day off. I know exactly how my dd is feeling and I feel for her so much. Her confidence has really been knocked over the past couple of days.

What would you do?

Just to add - the last time she was off school was in January when she had covid. She hasn't had a day off since.

My gut is telling me to let her stay at home but equally I don't want to have this every year. And I don't want her to think she can always get out of things she doesn't want to do.

I've spent last night filling her with praise, telling her I am so proud of her regardless of sports day or anything else and making sure she's well aware of the many many positive and amazing qualities she has.

I just feel bad for her - I hate sports day even now! It's not always fun for kids or parents for that matter!

If she was coming last in some things only I would say no. But coming last in everything is humiliating.

I would let her have the day off..

I want my child to learn to live sport exercise this isn't the way for your Dd.

I remember at school jogging round the track in a race i was made to do.. i waved and made a joke of it rather than admit i was the slowest.. everyone was cross but not sure it would have been better if i had tried.

Day off. I did it with dd1 when she year 1 or 2 one of the Youngest in year quite competitive and self conscious when she came last in everything - publicly. It really bothered her.

We actually next to the school so studiously ignored all the cheering and shouting read our books on the garden. Teen now and plays a team sport regularly so no harm done on that front.

I agree with this, if a parent allows a child time off because they find something difficult, how will your child cope when they find things difficult in the real world whilst growing up? It’s not just about her, it’s about the class working together as a team, whether she comes first/last isn’t her main goal here.

Yes, I remember at school it used to really annoy me that they didn’t make everybody take part in the music/drama events (something I was good at and enjoyed) but everyone had to participate in sports day (something I was not good at and really did not enjoy).

OP, I’d just let her take the day off. One of the most useful things I’ve learned as an adult is that every now and then, rather than making it clear I don’t want to do something, the best approach is just to smile gracefully and say “oh I am not able to make it/couldn’t be there on the day, what a shame, hope it went well”.

Bet your kids are sporty.

The parents are not invited into school to cheer on the best readers, for example, and then watch those who find it harder struggle and fall behind.

@Lady089 My parents took your view. But the ritual humiliation simply battered my confidence.

Build resilience 🙄. Do a thing you are really shit at in front of the whole community. Go on. Build your own resilience.

I absolutely agree with this but in my daughters case, she's continuing to do something out of her comfort zone each week, refusing to quit despite being judged by a group of girls every time. She's building her own resilience there which is something I'm going to make sure she's proud of herself for.

Sports day this year might just be a step too far considering she's taking a battering in her confidence once a week.

Also depends on the personality. Younger dd2 also came last but was super popular and genuinely didn’t care so was quite ok to attend.

Absolutely. Where's the benefit for her? Let her stay home and save her from a week of anxiety and dread.

So whenever you find something difficult, what do you do?
What if the majority of the children felt the same way, what would happen then?

Would it be worth signing her up for some sort of extra coaching for her football? Ask around there might be a student who could give her some one on one time. Or a beginners course over the summer.

As for sports day, I remember getting 'effort' points for coming last in the 800 metres because I managed to finish the damn thing! If her school doesn't do things like that and it's ultra competitive rather than fun then it probably is best for her mental health to either see if she can be excused, be a helper, or just don't send her in.

My daughter had another dreadful sports day this year. Last or second last. She was gutted. She had practiced and practiced and tried really hard. Funnily enough she also struggles with reading, writing and sums. How interesting that so many posters think that those two groups are mutually exclusive. It's possible to be struggling every day and then for sports day to be a (hugely public) horrible experience. I gave her a big reward for all her practice and we went swimming - something she is good at! - to celebrate her achievements in effort.

If she's dreading it that much, op, I'd keep her off.

If it's going to make her miserable I'd be inclined to sack it off and instead do something fun and in the spirit of the day together.

So... Do something active but remove the competition element- go swimming, do a yoga class, try some hiit or weight lifting, ice skating, for a kick about at the local Astro pitch, do a challenging hike, go to a climbing wall or high ropes course, look for a beginner's paddle boarding course...

Stuff like that is going to build her up and she'll go into her teen years knowing you've got her back and remembering a fun and special day out.

I used to take sports day off every year. Let her take it off, it impacts her life in no way what so ever by doing so, the emotional anxiety of it all however does impact her

I was that kid - I had an unidentified muscle myopathy and sports days were torture. About Y3 I asked the teacher if I could not take part and the relief when she said yes was unbelievable - I'm tearing up now just thinking about it. When you're the kid that is last in every single race...uch, it's just horrible.

Firstly, it tells your child that it is ok to not do things if you don't want to. So good luck getting them to take the bins out. What do we do if they take the bins out and spill rubbish everywhere? say "oh that's ok you're useless at it, don't bother"? or do we show them how to be efficient at taking bins out?

One of the dafter analogies on the thread.

Taking bins out is something that the overwhelming majority of people are capable of doing properly, absent health conditions etc. This is not true of excelling in sports. Certainly technique etc can be taught up to a point, a rather more complex process than bin technique, but innate ability is always going to be a factor in sports. In a way that it isnt for taking out the bin.

Additionally, there is no highly public ranking system with bin taking out. Those who are slowest at doing it aren't expected to perform the task in front of a large group of peers.

There are also alternative routes to fitness and participation that don't require being in sports day, whereas that isn't true of bins.

As for the stuff about DC whose parents are sensitive to their needs about sports days being less likely to do what they're told generally, which is evidently what you're getting at here, you've made that up.

Some kids love sports day. Let them bash on, I say, I don't see the point in forcing kids who don't enjoy it to take part.

There's a lot of pressure and anxiety around the day and it's not going to achieve anything.

Your daughter enjoys football and that's great. And she may well find she enjoys other sports too.....but I very much doubt that will be achieved on Friday at sports day.

Take her out and do something fun together XxX

@Lady089 I do not walk away from difficult things. But I had to learn as an adult to walk away from things that did not work for me. So I stayed in horrible jobs too long when I should have just left them.

Let’s do a maths test then and get all the parents and other kids in to whoop and holler and let’s all see publicly who comes last. Such fun!

P.S. as an adult I walk and swim - activities I can do at my pace and enjoy. But for years I was very anti-sports because of my childhood embarassment. Now I can say "I have xxx which means my muscles don't work very well particularly doing certain activity" and just do what I want at my own pace. It's taken 30 odd years since school to get to this point though.

Absolutely ant. I can think of nothing in adult life which is analogous to a sports day for a non sporty self conscious child.

The equivalent would be having a public speaking competition that was compulsory for every child. Some would love it, some would hate it.
Humiliation is not a useful learning experience.

Yes, good analogy.

God, sports day really is horrific for those who don't enjoy it