To let my dd miss school on sports day?

[veralera]

She's 10. She really finds pe very difficult, she takes after me and just isn't particularly good at sports, isn't a fast runner etc etc.

She does however play for a girls football team. But being completely honest - she's by far the weakest player. She enjoys it though and I am unbelievably proud of her for sticking at it. I can guarantee that wouldn't of been me at that age.

She's had a tough couple of days, sports day is on Friday. Firstly, her football team played in a tournament on Saturday and she scored an own goal. She also passed the ball to the wrong player causing them to score on the opposite team. She was absolutely mortified and the girls on her team were (understandably to an extent) not the kindest to her.

Yesterday she had sports day practice. She came out of school very emotional because she came last in every race. She begged me to let her have sports day off school.

Now I won't lie, I do let my dc stay at home every now and then. If they seem a bit stressed, tired, run down, overwhelmed with school work etc. this doesn't happen often, it's not a regular thing but I have done it in the past and used it to spend quality one on one time with my dc.

I remember what it's like on sports day. I used to do the same thing to my mum every year and beg for the day off. I know exactly how my dd is feeling and I feel for her so much. Her confidence has really been knocked over the past couple of days.

What would you do?

Just to add - the last time she was off school was in January when she had covid. She hasn't had a day off since.

My gut is telling me to let her stay at home but equally I don't want to have this every year. And I don't want her to think she can always get out of things she doesn't want to do.

I've spent last night filling her with praise, telling her I am so proud of her regardless of sports day or anything else and making sure she's well aware of the many many positive and amazing qualities she has.

I just feel bad for her - I hate sports day even now! It's not always fun for kids or parents for that matter!

tell the school she has hurt her ankle and she’s not coming in.
I’d normally advised just showing up for things - but it sounds like it will make her feel worse about herself and theres no need for that .

We’ve all managed fine without sports day for two years anyway!

I too would absolutely let DD stay home on Friday so she can skip sports Day - call her in sick and make up a headache story or something.

-She's been through the mill
-You're listening to her

• You understand her feelings
• It doesn't need to become a yearly thing, or anything bigger than it is- one day off - a mental health duvet day at home

I was sporty at school , won and so are my DCs. But also schools are fanatical about sports and how everyone must join in as it is "character building" "healthy" - but it isn't for everyone. (Also sometimes PE lessons are cruel.. standing out and running in the rain and the snow through the winter where your hands are soooo cold and you're not allowed to wear gloves.... Some of my best & my worst school memories are PE lesson related. )

I feel for your DD whose hope of not being last is "if one of the other runners fall". ! So we pretty know she'll be last and school pupils aren't kind....

I loved sports day it was a day out on the field in the sun cheering and running and jumping, but one of my BFFs at school (who was musical and rather rotund "built to roll not run" - her words now!) hated it with every fibre of her being. She still describes sports day as 4 hours of endless humiliation to get through that makes her sad and angry to recall. She still talks about the day her finger was fractured during relay race and another time her fingers were broken during hockey match ( not sports day) and how it impacted her early music career for a year (She had classical music career into her 30s)

Let her skip. I skipped a few school sports days over the years. They’re ghastly. I think it’s cruel to force children who don’t want to compete to do so!!!

I’ve got my DC’s sports day next week and they’re still doing ridiculous parents’ race. My DCs are both sporty and will be sad if I don’t participate, but it literally is my biggest nightmare to run 🙈

@KT1992

But we do as adults don’t we? We have to face things at work that make us embarrassed or anxious all the time. Surely kids shouldn’t be able to opt out school because they won’t be able to opt out at work. What is this child going to do as an adult?? Just not get a job??

The message I think you need to be getting across OP is that sports/exercise/fitness is essential, non negotiable and a part of life in order for her to take good habits into her adult life and exercise as an adult

Also I think you have to remember that some kids are sporty and not academic. Should those kids be able to skip school every day??

Sports day for some kids will be the only day of the year when they can feel good about themselves, get positive reinforcement and feel like they are better than others at something. Those kids shouldn’t be deprived of that IMO

Mine is very much like this about PE too. She's very academic and sports are not her thing, particularly the summer ones - she quite enjoys netball and hockey but hates coming last in the races and gets so self conscious. She's been suffering a lot with anxiety the last 2 years and the school have been aware of this and helping a lot.

Last year, she got herself so worked up about sports day, she was in a real mess. She doesn't have a issue with coming last, it's the fact of being the last one running and everyone watching and shouting her name. I spoke to her lovely PE teacher about it and she said she could be her "helper" for the afternoon instead of taking part so that was the ideal solution. There hasn't been any mention as yet of sports day this year (now I've said that, it'll be mentioned in the weekly newsletter today, won't it?!)

Both of these arguments have already been covered extensively in this thread, but let's go again.

One, the comparisons to academia all fail because there isn't an academic equivalent of sports day that involves the same level of obvious ranking in front of the whole peer group. And even if there were, it's a fact that schooling is essential to a child's future in a way that sports day is not. Sports day isn't necessary to do well in sports, to maintain fitness or even to do physical activity in school. It demonstrably puts some people off those things, in fact. It's just a custom that some people are weirdly attached to.

And the OP is not attempting to prevent other children from attending sports day, so the depriving other kids argument is irrelevant.

Hope your DD has a good day off today OP.

I am seriously considering keeping my 8yo DD off for sports day this year. She loves swimming, trampolining and riding her bike so is active and not unfit, but she is just not good at PE. She hates PE lessons because she always comes last, the boys laugh at her and make unkind comments and the PE teachers don't challenge them about it.

I agree with those saying "you can't avoid everything that makes you anxious". But DD still has to deal with this anxiety and embarrassment in PE lessons twice a week, every week. She will have to deal with it all through her school life. The difference with Sports day is its a whole day so there's no let up, and it's so public, the whole school, all the staff and all the parents there to witness her embarrassment.

PP saying that for non-academic kids school is hard every day of the year are right if course, but missing the point. If you struggle with Maths or handwriting no one makes you show your work to every kid in the school and all their parents! If a child who struggles with reading was made to stand on stage in the hall and read allowed in front the whole school and their parents we would all quite rightly be outraged. I don't think any reasonable person would argue that they should have to do it.

Like my DD, I dreaded sports day as a child and was made to go. I vividly remember lying awake all night unable to sleep the night before and feeling physically sick before school the next morning. Being forced to go didn't make me "more resilient". It didn't toughen me up. It made me feel shit about myself and it also put me off sport for life.

I am seriously considering keeping my 8yo DD off for sports day this year. She loves swimming, trampolining and riding her bike so is active and not unfit, but she is just not good at PE. She hates PE lessons because she always comes last, the boys laugh at her and make unkind comments and the PE teachers don't challenge them about it.

Go for it.

@ApplesandBunions

the same obvious grading/ranking system happens every single day at school!! Dont talk daft!

marks out of 10 or 100, A, B, C grades, the numerical gcse system, streaming.

come on now, let’s not pretend

No it doesn't. It simply isn't the case that this is done every day in front of the entire school, staff and a cohort of parents. It's a silly comparison.

the same obvious grading/ranking system happens every single day at school!! Dont talk daft! marks out of 10 or 100, A, B, C grades, the numerical gcse system, streaming.

If they gathered the entire school, staff body and parents on the field so Mrs Atkins could announce the children's grades with a megaphone then you'd have a point. But that doesn't happen.

And it's a rare primary school aged child that takes GCSEs.

I, as a parent of primary school DC, simply do not know nor have any way of finding out exactly how the kids in the class rank against each other in academic terms. That level of specificity simply isn't available to parents.

Sports day for some kids will be the only day of the year when they can feel good about themselves, get positive reinforcement and feel like they are better than others at something. Those kids shouldn’t be deprived of that IMO

I don't accept that my already shy child should have to be embarassed and laughed at in front of the whole school and their parents so that other kids can feel good about themselves. Surely those kids can still attend and enjoy the day without her being there.

Let her stay off. Exercise is important, so the absolute last thing we should be doing is causing kids to associate exercise with misery. Plan something energetic and fun to do as a family instead.

Can you say she’s not well enough to participate? I wouldn’t usually condone fibbing… but I get it.
I teach primary and it’s our first Sports Day in years next week. The thought of the enforced Teacher Race at the end, with parents filming and taking photos, fills me with dread. I am by far the unfittest member of staff and I absolutely do NOT want to be involved. So, it’s not just reluctant 10 year olds dreading sports day this month!

I’d definitely let her stay home. Sounds like she’s having a bad time and needs some space away from sports and school and not give the bullies another excuse to be mean to her.

I would let her have a mental health day. My kids (now teens) get one mental health day in a school year if they need it. They can't use it to miss exams but sports day is fair game. No one was ever damaged by missing sports day.

Not wanting to be humiliated by coming last is a good reason to be off for a mental health day. It's not going to be good memory for her and because you've listened to her she'll feel like you are on her side. With the teenage years coming up that is more important.

I’d love to know what happened with sports day, did you let your dd stay off?
from the posts I’ve read, there are a lot of opinions out there.
I just wanted to say though that your dd swimming butterfly is amazing! You should definitely encourage that as it’s a great sport and good for her! Well done her! (I can’t swim butterfly and I’m 42, my kids can swim back and front and that’s it). Encourage her in what she is good at, find likeminded children (this is always difficult in primary as they shove in a class of 30 children and just have to get along).
With regards to her academic studies, it sounds like she is really struggling, why haven’t the school suggested assessment for dyslexia/dyspraxia and other learning related disabilities? If you have one child with sen, it should be something they look into. My eldest ds has adhd and autism diagnosed at secondary, he was above average intelligence which meant that he was achieving low average at primary and never got the help he needed (scoring just enough for the school not to be bothered), we discovered later that his disability (the adhd mainly) meant he needed work Chunking into smaller pieces and extra support in lessons (seating at front etc). When he got the diagnosis and the support he needed at secondary, he was like a different child and achieved amazingly in gcse- he even got an a* in literature!
My advice is to pursue sen investigation and encourage her strengths. I wish you all the luck in the future x

So what did you do in the end OP?

No because it will set a precedent of her wanting to be off every year. It’s only light hearted and team sports at 10 isn’t it?

I agree with you entirely.

Keep her home.

No it isn't just light hearted and team sports at 10. Even if it was, OP's dd is what? y5? So the precedent is only for one more year. In secondary she can choose not to participate so what's the point in forcing her to take part (considering the downsides) for the sake of two sports days?