To let my dd miss school on sports day?

[veralera]

She's 10. She really finds pe very difficult, she takes after me and just isn't particularly good at sports, isn't a fast runner etc etc.

She does however play for a girls football team. But being completely honest - she's by far the weakest player. She enjoys it though and I am unbelievably proud of her for sticking at it. I can guarantee that wouldn't of been me at that age.

She's had a tough couple of days, sports day is on Friday. Firstly, her football team played in a tournament on Saturday and she scored an own goal. She also passed the ball to the wrong player causing them to score on the opposite team. She was absolutely mortified and the girls on her team were (understandably to an extent) not the kindest to her.

Yesterday she had sports day practice. She came out of school very emotional because she came last in every race. She begged me to let her have sports day off school.

Now I won't lie, I do let my dc stay at home every now and then. If they seem a bit stressed, tired, run down, overwhelmed with school work etc. this doesn't happen often, it's not a regular thing but I have done it in the past and used it to spend quality one on one time with my dc.

I remember what it's like on sports day. I used to do the same thing to my mum every year and beg for the day off. I know exactly how my dd is feeling and I feel for her so much. Her confidence has really been knocked over the past couple of days.

What would you do?

Just to add - the last time she was off school was in January when she had covid. She hasn't had a day off since.

My gut is telling me to let her stay at home but equally I don't want to have this every year. And I don't want her to think she can always get out of things she doesn't want to do.

I've spent last night filling her with praise, telling her I am so proud of her regardless of sports day or anything else and making sure she's well aware of the many many positive and amazing qualities she has.

I just feel bad for her - I hate sports day even now! It's not always fun for kids or parents for that matter!

No day in adult life involves you doing something you are bad at in front of a baying crowd perhaps a trafficked sex worker, but I can think of very few examples, and I am not sure we are aspiring for anyone to be humiliated, particularly children.

I would go as far as to say forcing children to do school stuff that makes them deeply frightened/stressed/pressurised is cruel, and basically teaching them that their feelings do not count or matter, and people will ride rough shod them. Surely no parent actually wants to instil that ethos into their child. My older dc loved sports day, but so many people don't. It should be voluntary and everyone that chooses to opt out could contribute in other ways, forcing kids feels somewhat antiquated to me.

Also maths etc is essential and useful sports day is supposed to be ducking FUN!

Absolutely do not let her have the day off. You are teaching her to run from things that are difficult. That's such an awful message. Teach her the resilience to cope with things that are hard instead.

Coordination wise is she overweight? If not perhaps she needs a Dyspraxia assessment of she really struggles.

Yes, and failure to understand this is why all the analogies so far on this thread have been stupid. None of the things people are comparing missing sports day to are at all like sports day.

For goodness sake. Read OP's posts. Every single day at school is difficult for this child. She struggles in every area. She is not able, nor is she encouraged to run away from difficulties. She's even continuing to go to football, despite her team members giving her a hard time because she's the weakest player. Now that's resilience.

This is one day where her mum is trying to protect her from PUBLIC ritual humiliation. The girl doesn't need to be watched coming last, over and over, not just by her peers, but by hundreds of parents.

The next day she'll go into school, and continue her struggles with school work. But at least that's in the relative privacy of the classroom.

I do hope the “make her go” crowd are just being silly internet warriors and don’t parent their own children like that.

Absolutely do not let her have the day off. You are teaching her to run from things that are difficult. That's such an awful message. Teach her the resilience to cope with things that are hard instead

I think we can safely say this kid had her fill of resilience training and some. What she could do with is empowerment and learning how to stand up for herself. Forcing yet another soul destroying humiliating experience on her will just drive her further down, create the perfect environment for serious mental health difficulties and show her no one cares. Fantastic advice - not.

I am sure you are a teacher brie and perhaps not a caring parent worried about their child.

Let her stay home. She will only be humiliated if she attends.

This is an opportunity to develop future positive mental wellbeing by learning that the sky doesn't fall in if you come last in sports day. And that's from someone who always came last in sports day!

However lots of people here have said that it was an awful experience that continued to affect them, from being forced to keep going and keep being humiliated. It didn't teach them to cope with humiliation better as an adult, where normally the strategy is to avoid situations where you are humiliated. Nobody actually teaches you things on sports day anyway - the good people do well, the bad people find it stressful and anxiety producing, and then go away to dread it for another year.

Missing out one thing like sports day doesn't mean that a parent has to let a child miss out on anythign that they want, nor that the child would learn that they can always run away from stuff. I can guarantee that most children will continue having to do many things that they don't want to. There are plenty of other growth opportunities throughout the year, in PE and elsewhere, where a child and learn from session to session, improve, etc. But sports day? It's pretty hard to learn much from that once a year, except that it's something to dread and be forced through if you hate it. And many of us did do it every year, like it or not. Hasn't made things better as an adult!

I'd also find the 'ok you can skip it this year but you'd better work on your self esteem etc for next year' quite terrifying, as I'd feel so under pressure then, and I'd be dreading next year's for even longer!!

Make it optional - let children help out with younger ones, or organise, or do something like cheerleading, so that they can still celebrate the ones who do well and enjoy it, but without the stress.

We have opposite problems with sports day. They have rediculous races like slow bike race. Everything is non competitive and team based. No individual is allowed to win or lose. A team can win or lose but not a person. Drives my son nuts. This is special secondary school and sports is only thing he is good at in school. So he never gets to shine at school. I have kept him off before on Sports Day because it winds him up so much.

@BotCrossHuns I always came last or 2nd last , I always hated sports. My DM always took a ‘so what’ attitude and taught me that no one can be good at everything and that although I might be embarrassed, failure is nothing to be embarrassed about. However she taught me that not trying really is something to be embarrassed about.

I think that’s a great message. To be honest I can’t understand why grown women are still embarrassed by sports day or recalling it as a traumatic event, maybe they just are the kind of people who can’t bear to do badly in something ?

I'm as mentioned earlier of the view that the DD should be at school, even if not taking part. A child can have a role without taking part in races.

Agree with every word Bot. It’s so fixable too the kids that hate running can be involved in a low key way and cheer on the rubber. Obvious easy solution- I think there’s something cruel in our culture that clings to the archaic “sports day all must compete” which is actually weird if you think about it.

runner not rubber!

Great that you are confident Honey. I am too actually but others are not.

Only if the school is happy to give them that role. Most do not have the time to find roles for all the children who don't want to do sports day. And of course once they provide roles for the truly deserving like OP's daughter, they open the floodgates to half the school.

Personally, if there was time, in OP's situation I'd give the school counsellor (who already sees the DD) a call. She could presumably advocate for DD so that she could be in school yet not have to race or be in a team that she might 'let down'.

Sports day can be humiliating for some children (myself included). All the people watching you, knowing you can't do it. It's crazy if you think about it. We wouldn't invite all the parents in to watch kids write a story on the blackboard or do their times tables in front of everyone, rank them from best to worst and hand out awards for the best.

The problem is we risk raising overweight unhealthy children into overweight unhealthy adults who keep avoiding physical activity. They then pass that to their children.

Additionally you read so so many posts on here from highly anxious adults who try to opt out of everything. Only today someone posted about not going to work as she was anxious about being too hot at work.

Try therapeutic approaches. Listen with empathy and playfulness. Get support for the coordination difficulties, find stuff she is good at and bud her self esteem.

A one day a year ritual humiliation isn't going to solve those problems though.

Finding exercise the child enjoys might, if they're not totally put off by sports day and being laughed at and associating it with stress and anxiety. I expect I enjoy sports much less because of how school sports and PE were done (not just sports day).

There are more gentle ways of encouraging a child to participate in sport than once a year proving that they're awful at it or that competitive races are no fun!

Nobody teaches you how to get better at sports day. You don't learn much from constantly finding something stressful and anxiety producing. You might learn something from occasionally being listened to. People aren't saying let children do whatever they want, all the time. They are saying that in occasional exceptional circumstances - which might be different for different children - to listen and perhaps give them the choice to opt out this time.

All the self-estemm building throughout the year doesn't help when you are then forced again to lose in public and be tormented by classmates, or even if not tormented, just hating it and finding the whole thing so stressful.

Stress can be dealt with gently too, and finding strategies for things that really have to be done. Sports day doesn't.

So many people are put off sport and exercise by PE at school. Children, especially overweight and unfit children, need to learn that it can be fun. Humiliation just makes children avoid sport.

Overweight children are likely to remain unfit if their association with sport is always a negative one complete with public humiliation.

All the playfulness in the world is not going to remove that horrible memory searing through every time they think about running. I would say sports days can do the very reverse of the outcome you have stated brie and I hope you don't force your children to do things that could harm them mentally and indeed physically in the long term.

Let her have a day off. She won't miss anything, and she won't be missed either. As for physical activity, try other things. There are plenty to choose from, doesn't have to be an organized sport.

Op I'm with you let her have the day off.

However I wouldn't mention next years sports day at all as it plants the seed in her mind (possibly of dread).

It might be that next year you pull her out too and so what if you do. Sometimes it's things like this that teach our children how listened to and valued they are.

You are clearly not stopping her daily struggles and sound well balanced in your views.

Being bad at competive school sports discouraged me from physical activity. I loved experiencing nature out running, walking and cycling, often taking a camera too. Thats what set me up for an active lifestyle. I spent my school years doing anything to miss horrible school sport.

I do park run regularly and am always near the middle or back or the runners - as an adult l don't care cos it's all about taking part and enjoying it, right?
But tell that to my 9 year old self when they had to come and tell me not to bother finishing the egg and spoon race cos everyone finished ages before me. Or that my headteacher announced in whole school assembly l was the only child who hadn't learnt to swim 5 meters. It is fucking humiliating and l still remember my cheeks absolutely burning up and being really upset so although YOU might not feel this about sports, l don't believe for one minute you have nothing fron your childhood that makes you who you are today .