To let my dd miss school on sports day?

[veralera]

She's 10. She really finds pe very difficult, she takes after me and just isn't particularly good at sports, isn't a fast runner etc etc.

She does however play for a girls football team. But being completely honest - she's by far the weakest player. She enjoys it though and I am unbelievably proud of her for sticking at it. I can guarantee that wouldn't of been me at that age.

She's had a tough couple of days, sports day is on Friday. Firstly, her football team played in a tournament on Saturday and she scored an own goal. She also passed the ball to the wrong player causing them to score on the opposite team. She was absolutely mortified and the girls on her team were (understandably to an extent) not the kindest to her.

Yesterday she had sports day practice. She came out of school very emotional because she came last in every race. She begged me to let her have sports day off school.

Now I won't lie, I do let my dc stay at home every now and then. If they seem a bit stressed, tired, run down, overwhelmed with school work etc. this doesn't happen often, it's not a regular thing but I have done it in the past and used it to spend quality one on one time with my dc.

I remember what it's like on sports day. I used to do the same thing to my mum every year and beg for the day off. I know exactly how my dd is feeling and I feel for her so much. Her confidence has really been knocked over the past couple of days.

What would you do?

Just to add - the last time she was off school was in January when she had covid. She hasn't had a day off since.

My gut is telling me to let her stay at home but equally I don't want to have this every year. And I don't want her to think she can always get out of things she doesn't want to do.

I've spent last night filling her with praise, telling her I am so proud of her regardless of sports day or anything else and making sure she's well aware of the many many positive and amazing qualities she has.

I just feel bad for her - I hate sports day even now! It's not always fun for kids or parents for that matter!

YANBU in the slightest. I’m dyspraxic and understand.

@veralera can you talk to the teacher beforehand? Ask what the set up is, tell them how she is feeling and her worries. Some schools set up the groups by ability. Are all the challenges races or are there other activities where she can do well (like target throw, speed stacking, etc). If not , check if she can be a helper (look out for the winners,hand stickers out, do water bottles etc) . I think the opportunity of seeing others not do too great, possible reactions etc will be a lot more beneficial for her than being at home and making it all a big ,embarrassing disaster in her head. She also has the chance to change her mind , if she feels differently during the day.

What is the ethos of the school? How are her teachers,classmates in general? We might have a few sneery,super competitive ,poor winners ones at my school(which quickly gets nipped in the bud), but overall the kids tend to be supportive,cheer others on and try to look after the struggling kids (academically or physically) and build them up.

And to those that ‘someone has to come last’, ‘it’s a bad example teaching to avoid things you don’t like’, just bog off if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Hmm, normally I would discourage this and find ways to build her confidence, but it sounds like you're already doing that and she's had a particularly bad time of it this week and doesn't really need more reminders of her weaknesses.

Adults do get out of things they don't want to do, they do it all the bloody time, as they should!

I loathed sport at school and was spectacularly crap at it. However, I loved sports day because it was a day of no lessons and sitting around in a field with my friends. We were occasionally dragooned into taking part in some stupid race; I was so shit at running that I used to walk it if I was forced to take part, so the PE teacher couldn't end the race until I had walked very slowly round the silly track. Happy days. My DC are now all adults, but I don't think I ever gave them a day off unless they were properly ill. They seem to have survived.

There's a lot of cod psychology in this thread.

Yes! Exactly! I wonder how many of posters saying a child who finds sports day humiliating should be forced to do it would force themselves to do something that they would find particularly humiliating.

I think it’s a better lesson to take a stand against this personally. There are things that we should push through and things that we absolutely shouldn’t and understanding the difference is crucial to put wellbeing.

Most primary school sports days are set up so that on one child should come last in Everything. Are you completely sure she wasn’t just being a bit dramatic?

I wouldn’t keep her off. You can’t be good at everything in life and sometimes you just have to get on with things you’re not good at and don’t particularly enjoy. Once she gets to secondary, where things are more competitive, sports day becomes optional, so this is probably the second to last one she’ll ever have to take part in.

but obviously she’s your kid and if you really want to keep her off then do.

*no one child

I can see she faces challenges everyday,but unfortunately maybe the child will face challenges everyday for the rest of her life.

She needs to be taught and helped to come up with her own healthy ways of dealing with challenges,not avoidance techniques.

Suggesting to her she doenst go to sports day isnt helping her in the long run,its not setting her up to succeed in later life.

@1nsertusername I disagree completely.

This is down to other children basically being mean to my daughter and knocking her confidence even further than it already is. Whilst there's nothing wrong with being competitive and wanting to win, some children will very abruptly blame children who have tried their absolute best but unfortunately just don't compare to those more able at sports.

When my daughter gets 5/30 in her maths test, I tell her that as long as she tried her best than that's all she can do. When she gets the majority of her spellings wrong, I tell her not to worry, we will try again next week. I don't write a note to get her out of it. I don't avoid these areas in school that she does every week and hates. Sports day is different.

Can you imagine sports day for a child that struggles with every subject at school? Knowing that they have to run in front of not only the pupils and teachers but the parents too? Knowing that all these kids in the class expect her not to do well as she never does? Knowing that when she's placed in her sports day team, she will get 'tutted' at because no one wants her in her team? She gets this every week at football practice and she's still continuing. She's actually pretty amazing!

I support my daughter 100%. My aim as a mother is to NOT let my children struggle like I have. For her to know she doesn't have to please me to get my love - it's unconditional. She can come to me when she's worried about something and together we can try take some of it away. But even if I can't take the worry away, she knows I have her back!

If your dd is already distressed and dreading it, don't put her through it.
The compulsory competitive & public nature of the day will do more harm.
Let her miss sports day on the understanding that she does her best in PE the rest of the year.

Humiliating a child in public doesn't benefit anyone.

Knowing that when she's placed in her sports day team, she will get 'tutted' at because no one wants her in her team? She gets this every week at football practice and she's still continuing. She's actually pretty amazing!

She really is. You must be incredibly proud of her.

OP - you sound pretty amazing yourself 🤩

🙄being bullied and laughed at really sets no one up well in life.

I was like your daughter.
You sound amazing.
Keep her off and have a great day together!

Those years of my life still affect me now, and I wish my parents had kept me off. I got nothing from it, it just made me worse.

Helping a child to grow into a well rounded and happy adult is far more nuanced than forcing them to mindlessly take part in every activity/school event offered to them.

@veralera you asked for options and you got them.

I have no doubt you love you daughter but sometimes you need to let your child struggle so they learn how to navigate these emotions or it's a massive shock when they are older and living without you.

I say this from experience having had parents ring up trying to deal with their adults childs issues in the work place.

Well yes, but you don't come last in your spelling test and feel humiliated in front of the whole school, do you?

She already knows she's no good at sports, she doesn't need her face rubbed in it in public. It's not character-building, it destroys self-esteem.

You're missing the point in that I've already said she struggles on a daily basis which pretty much every subject in school as well as her out of school activities. I am letting her struggle by sending her into school every single day.

Thank you for all these comments - it seems the majority seem to agree keeping her at home is the best option for dd. Her dad isn't in the picture (something else she has to deal with) and I sometimes really need parenting advice from another perspective.

I appreciate all comments - there has been a couple from posters who I assume to be parents that sound very much like my own mother and father so I know to avoid those at all costs!

Much appreciated Mumsnetters, thank you! X

Not everyone can be good at everything, do weak spellers have every Wednesday off because they come last in the spelling test? My son is rubbish at art, he hates it but I don’t let him stay home on a Friday afternoon to avoid doing something he dislikes.it’s all part of growing up doin* stuff you don’t like.

Please read all of OP's posts

I’d keep her off.

My daughter has dyspraxia and I made her go to every sports day.It was heartbreaking to watch the public humiliation. She is now anorexic, has low self esteem and feels she has nothing else to be proud of. I am convinced those awful PE lessons with zero differentiation and rollockings for not trying hard enough alongside the shame on sports days in front of the whole school and parents contributed.

When it’s mandatory for all kids including those with Sen to attend spelling bees and maths tests in front of the whole school and parents others can judge. Until then take the day off and go to the beach, so much better for her mental
health.