To let my dd miss school on sports day?

[veralera]

She's 10. She really finds pe very difficult, she takes after me and just isn't particularly good at sports, isn't a fast runner etc etc.

She does however play for a girls football team. But being completely honest - she's by far the weakest player. She enjoys it though and I am unbelievably proud of her for sticking at it. I can guarantee that wouldn't of been me at that age.

She's had a tough couple of days, sports day is on Friday. Firstly, her football team played in a tournament on Saturday and she scored an own goal. She also passed the ball to the wrong player causing them to score on the opposite team. She was absolutely mortified and the girls on her team were (understandably to an extent) not the kindest to her.

Yesterday she had sports day practice. She came out of school very emotional because she came last in every race. She begged me to let her have sports day off school.

Now I won't lie, I do let my dc stay at home every now and then. If they seem a bit stressed, tired, run down, overwhelmed with school work etc. this doesn't happen often, it's not a regular thing but I have done it in the past and used it to spend quality one on one time with my dc.

I remember what it's like on sports day. I used to do the same thing to my mum every year and beg for the day off. I know exactly how my dd is feeling and I feel for her so much. Her confidence has really been knocked over the past couple of days.

What would you do?

Just to add - the last time she was off school was in January when she had covid. She hasn't had a day off since.

My gut is telling me to let her stay at home but equally I don't want to have this every year. And I don't want her to think she can always get out of things she doesn't want to do.

I've spent last night filling her with praise, telling her I am so proud of her regardless of sports day or anything else and making sure she's well aware of the many many positive and amazing qualities she has.

I just feel bad for her - I hate sports day even now! It's not always fun for kids or parents for that matter!

I know what it is to have a child who finds school very difficult for lots of reasons. Every day my DD gets up and goes in, and copes with an environment that is very challenging for her. If she really didn’t want to do sports day I’d keep her home in a heartbeat. She’s resilient, she shows that by turning up and coping day by day, there’s nothing to be gained by forcing her to go to sports day.

I wouldn't even hesitate in keeping her off.

Keep her home 100 percent

I would leave her stay at home and have a nice, relaxing day.

Thought provoking post. Found it useful -thanks. I use the same wording in our house about rules & etiquette- I say in this family, we do things this way. Allows for the kids friends to do things differently and I tell the kids when they set up their own homes they’re free to make different choices on these things too.

This post is quite interesting to read. My Ds did his sports day this week and like the op's DD, he isn't very fast and came last in every race he did. He actually ran the relay, got hit with the baton quite hard which caused him to fall down. Everyone laughed, including all the parents. It sort of looked comical in the moment the way it happened and a lot of DC could have pulled off the fall gracefully, but ds was really humiliated. Especially with everyone laughing.

I never really considered giving him the day off, but maybe I will next year. As some PPs argued, we should make DC do things they don't want to do so they grow up knowing they have to do the unpleasant things in life. I make DC brush teeth, do homework, visit "boring" places, etc because those things have a benefit for them even if they're unpleasant. Is there any merit in running race you know will come last in and your classmates will laugh at you, or be angry with you if it's a team race?

I didn't run the mums race because I knew I would come last and look ridiculous. And I just didn't fancy doing it. And yet I still manage to do the unpleasant things in life like floss my teeth and pay the mortgage because those things have a benefit.

And we certainly would never make a child who is struggling with maths get up in front of all the parents and the whole school to have a times table competition against the brightest child in the class and call it character building. That is essentially what happened to Ds this week, but in sports.

This excerpt from an email shows how DS's school approaches sports day. I think it's great.

...all students have had the option to compete (or not) and Mrs xxx and her PE team have ensured all classes have distributed events to all interested parties. Time has been spent in the run up to today ensuring every form has an inclusive event sheet.... your child may simply have chosen not to participate – this is their choice.

This is how it should be done. Fabulous.

Let the poor thing stay home. I remember being forced to like sports. I hated them. Absolutely hated. I still get goosebumps even thinking of team games or so. I do like my pilates, yoga power walking, jogging, but absolutely hated PE and sports days.

This is a tricky one. On one hand, I really want to say let her have the day off so she doesn't have to go through that, but on the other hand, its important to learn how to lose. Ive met plenty of teenagers and even adults who were never taught how to lose gracefully, and never had to experience it, which has, when they eventually do come last at something, caused them to throw full on adult temper tantrums. As someone who often came last in many events however, I do sympathise with her wanting to take the day off. Is there a way you could compromise? Say she has to do two races, and if she really can't hack it, she could 'become unwell'?

its important to learn how to lose. Ive met plenty of teenagers and even adults who were never taught how to lose gracefully, and never had to experience it, which has, when they eventually do come last at something, caused them to throw full on adult temper tantrums.

I think the problem is that sports day doesn't tend to teach those things. So, many of us advocating for allowing her a day off believe that those things are important to develop too - just that sports day isn't necessarily the place. A lot of people are talking about what it's like to be humiliated, not learning how to lose gracefully, which doesn't seem to be part of it. Learning you're not the best at something/will lose - a lot of children already know that, so sports day just proves it to them, and I'm not sure that's necessary. I think there might be other ways to teach a child to lose gracefully, that are not as stressful or anxiety producing as sports day.

Personally, I'd make her go in. Resilience is an important life skill and one of the best ways to learn it is by realising that sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do.

Resilience is an important life skill and one of the best ways to learn it is by realising that sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do.

This is a misunderstandng of what resilience is about. Resilience is nothing to do with doing things we don't want to - it is to do with bouncing back after a setback. Forcing ourselves to do things we do not have to and do not want to do actually makes us less resilient.

True autonomy is real power.

I'd let her stay off. I did the same with my two when they were younger in similar circumstances.

If her attendance is other wise good, and she knows it's a one off, what's the harm?

Keep her off, do something else that day.

Someone has to come last

Aye. But it doesn't always have to be me, it doesn't always have to be the OP's DD. It doesn't always have to be the same person every time!

If being last is so very good for kids then its fine if this year, the OP's DD isn't there, and someone elses kid comes last!

Avoiding things you're not good at/don't like... is dire and bad for you

We do have to do things we don't like at times - sure, but by the time we're adults we understand why, and we can get on and do them in the end ahem tax return.

Avoiding things you are abysmal at, will not improve at, can NEVER succeed at - is bloody sensible. Continually setting yourself (or anyone else) up for failure and expecting success is.. fucking stupid, I really can't describe that any other way.

A valid part of growing up is learning what your strengths and skills are, and what you aren't so good at - and its true we can't all be good at everything but that doesn't mean we should then humiliate ourselves by SHOWING everyone how shit we are at some things!

I think all you 'somebodies got to come last' folk are just shitting yourselves that the really crap kids mums will give them a day off and this year it'll be YOUR kid coming last.

Which would be fine, except school isn't optional because you don't like sports day. So OP has to break the rules in order to let her DD stay home. The right message to give is that sometimes we all have to do things we'd prefer not to, but we can develop coping mechanisms to get through them which make us stronger as a result.

Which would be fine, except school isn't optional because you don't like sports day.

I mean, it is though. All bullshitting about coping mechanisms and dire consequences if OP doesn't send her DD in to be publicly humiliated aside, if there's one thing we do know here is that OP can keep her off if she wants to and just say she's got the shits. What you mean here is that you wish it wasn't.

PE for the non sporty, is horrendous. Bring in a team is presumably something she wants to do and enjoys.

I"m not sure making small children develop coping mechanisms so that they can deal with having to do things they hate as an adult is really what the schools are aiming for with sports day. Besides, does anyone really learn any coping mechansisms, other than bottle eveyrthing up and suffer with the humiliation, and plan to do things differently with their own children? Nobody actually teaches you these things for sports day, they don't plan lessons on how to deal with being humiliated or what to do if you hate it, or even how to be less bad at it. So you put up with it. I'm sure there are plenty of other chances for children to learn to put up with things they hate. No-one is advocating giving children days off every time there's something they don't like. But exceptions can be made for things a child really hates and is stressed and upset by, if there are good reasons.

The fact that you also allow days off for other non illness related reasons makes it a no from me. If this was a one off then yes but you don't sound like you are very consistent.

Your not doing her any favours. I was shit at sports but very academic - we all have our strengths. I hated sports day but it didn’t kill
me! If she was being bullied or something I can understand keeping her off but no becouse she’s rubbish at something

As a child who was allowed to take the odd day off school to avoid things I didn’t want to do, I say send her in.

All avoidance taught me was that I could opt out of challenges rather than face them and discover that quite often they are not as bad as you think they are. Even now as an adult if something comes up at work that I am apprehensive about I have to fight the urge to call in sick.

Your not doing her any favours. I was shit at sports but very academic - we all have our strengths.

Have you read OPs description of the range of things her daughter struggles with? Because this is rather insensitive when read in conjunction with that.

Our school does 2 a year. dd ended up with asthma attacks that took her to a&e and out of school for 5 days for several in a row. Despite our attempts to have the school keep her safe, they failed. I finally started scheduling her doctors appointments on those days. She had lots since she had to see specialists for her asthma often. Even if I couldn’t arrange her checkups for that day, I lied and said she had one and kept her home .

At this point I absolutely despise how school’s handle sports days and non-sporty kids. Keep your kid home and have a special day.

Again, if you bother to read the OP's posts, you'll find that her DD faces those challenges EVERY DAY in every lesson. And even better than that, she continues to choose to go to football club despite the fact that she's the worst player there and her team members aren't kind to her about it.

That kid is amazing.