To let my dd miss school on sports day?

[veralera]

She's 10. She really finds pe very difficult, she takes after me and just isn't particularly good at sports, isn't a fast runner etc etc.

She does however play for a girls football team. But being completely honest - she's by far the weakest player. She enjoys it though and I am unbelievably proud of her for sticking at it. I can guarantee that wouldn't of been me at that age.

She's had a tough couple of days, sports day is on Friday. Firstly, her football team played in a tournament on Saturday and she scored an own goal. She also passed the ball to the wrong player causing them to score on the opposite team. She was absolutely mortified and the girls on her team were (understandably to an extent) not the kindest to her.

Yesterday she had sports day practice. She came out of school very emotional because she came last in every race. She begged me to let her have sports day off school.

Now I won't lie, I do let my dc stay at home every now and then. If they seem a bit stressed, tired, run down, overwhelmed with school work etc. this doesn't happen often, it's not a regular thing but I have done it in the past and used it to spend quality one on one time with my dc.

I remember what it's like on sports day. I used to do the same thing to my mum every year and beg for the day off. I know exactly how my dd is feeling and I feel for her so much. Her confidence has really been knocked over the past couple of days.

What would you do?

Just to add - the last time she was off school was in January when she had covid. She hasn't had a day off since.

My gut is telling me to let her stay at home but equally I don't want to have this every year. And I don't want her to think she can always get out of things she doesn't want to do.

I've spent last night filling her with praise, telling her I am so proud of her regardless of sports day or anything else and making sure she's well aware of the many many positive and amazing qualities she has.

I just feel bad for her - I hate sports day even now! It's not always fun for kids or parents for that matter!

And you wouldn't enroll her in a Maths competition if she is struggling with Maths. So why would you force her into a sports race?

But you don't make him take part in an art competition where he'd almost definitely come last, do you?

@Honeysuckle9 I agree with you

Opting out is a short term solution that doesn't address the issue

And how could OP make her child attend next year?

I've heard of a number of pupils being signed off PE due to anxiety. I think it's doing them no favours

@notanothertakeaway next year is a year away. Next year I hope she will feel so much better about herself that she won't feel the same way as she does this year.

My aim isn't to make it so she misses it every year. My aim is to reduce her self esteem taking another knock while she's not feeling great about herself right now.

It's gives myself and my daughter a good base to work on. When I do tell her she can miss sports day this year I will be saying something along the lines of...

'This year you can miss it because I can see you're struggling but let's really try to avoid this next year by working on your self esteem and helping you grow because regardless of the fact that you don't enjoy sport, it's also not fun to feel so negative about yourself when you actually are pretty amazing!'

Obviously I won't use that exact wording but I don't for a second expect her to miss sports day next year. My hope is in a years time that we can put a lot of effort into turning this around. Not just for sports day but for school and life in general. As I've said, she's having counselling on school for low self esteem.

Making anxious children do it does them no favours. I’m living with the fallout.

I wonder where you got your psychology degree 🙄

have you ever been BULLIED for similar? If you have and then have developed this amazing resilience, hats off - but please consider those who had a different outcome from their childhood history. If not, see above.

I was agreeing with you...

I'd let her stay off. I'd want to keep her love for at least football alive.

There's nothing like sports day to turn off generally non sporty kids from loving sport and trying new sports. I feel like it often does the opposite of what is intended.

Would definitely keep her off. You've got her back then.

Could she fake an injury and take a note in and be head cheerleader

My dd was incredibly anxious at 10-11 but now at 14 is confident. 10 is a hard age

I signed my dd off an entire term of gymnastics at secondary as she hated it so much!! She couldn't do a forward roll and felt humiliated.

I definitely think being forced to do sport when you don't want to sets children back. She is now happy to do the sports she likes.

@veralera maybe AIBU wasnt the right group to post your question if you were looking for an echo chamber.

Please dont automatically dismiss all the views that dont match yours,people have given you advice that could really help your daughter in the long run.

Day off.

MH is far more important.

Just explain why- you hear what she says and sometimes in life a choice (like this) does not have consequences.
Unlike an exam that does etc.

Have a movie day!

I absolutely appreciate everyone's views on this and to some extent I can see how letting her have the day off isn't 100% the right thing to do. But neither is letting her go. I don't feel there is a certain correct thing to do.

Your views on a child needs to struggle to learn I completely agree with. I was simply saying that in my child's case, she struggles every day in every subject at school. She will be marked below average on her school report. She tells me maths is hard every day, that she didn't understand English etc etc. I'm just pointing it out to you that in my circumstances my child already does this daily. And because she is so open with me, she tells me she thinks she's 'rubbish at everything'.

Thinking about it this way makes me realise that actually sometimes she will need a break. Just the same way as an adult calls in sick for work. It's just self care which children should be entitled too just the same way as adult is.

Don’t listen to the “stuff and nonsense/never did me any ‘arm” brigade. If it was their child who was 10 and unconfident and unhappy would they send her in? Like bollocks they would.

I don't think this had been an echo chamber at all. Plenty of people have had their say about resilience etc. And OP has listened to everyone.

But this isn't a child who has things she's good at that balance out always coming last, and being the team member that her peers don't want. She's already showing resilience by pressing on with football, even though it's not going well. She's already struggling through every day at school, getting the lowest marks on all areas, and needing intervention.

So most of the reasoning that posters are using to advise that she go, simply isn't relevant to this situation.

Sports day makes her limitations incredibly obvious and public. There's no hiding place from her peers and their parents. If the school and her counsellor have not taken this on board, then I think OP is right to protect her on this occasion.

I'm more than happy for my kid to get out of sports day , she's fit and healthy does pe with minimal moaning but sports day bores the crap out of her , i felt the same watching it year after year for my 2 older kids too.
I've got her back , she knows whats expected of her , isn't spoilt but if i can help her get out of something that has no benefit to her i will , especially on a boiling hot day .

Let her stay off.

I absolutely and totally fucking hated sports day at school. I'm dyspraxic and absolutely and totally utterly crap at anything that needs co-ordination. The 1500m when I was in 4th year is still burned into my mind. The 4th year Games captain hated me with a passion so put me in for it as an act of revenge.

For my older DC (secondary), each year at Christmas they get a 'get out of jail free card'. One day off school no questions asked leave the lying to me sort of thing. Can't be used for exams though. I believe they are saving it for sports day this year.

For my older DC (secondary), each year at Christmas they get a 'get out of jail free card'. One day off school no questions asked leave the lying to me sort of thing. Can't be used for exams though. I believe they are saving it for sports day this year.

As I'm a retired teacher, I really shouldn't approve. But actually I love this idea! If I could have had such a card to take a day out of work once a year, it would have been of huge benefit.

Secondary sports days are great at my kids school. The girls who are good at stuff opt in to compete and everyone else cheers them on. Good time had by all.

The forced inclusion of the unsporty and in public is why the standard primary model is so hopelessly outdated and set up for the humiliation of the weakest.

The reality of life DD's life is that - unless you are living some very privileged existence and are very lucky as well - is that it will be full of bad days, things you're not good at, things that are difficult and anxious.

How parents respond to these situations models how the child will go on to deal with those days, whether that be avoidance of difficult situations, anxiety before, dwelling on the losses afterwards. And there will be much bigger deals than sports day on the horizon.

Take a step back from sports day and, whatever you decide, consider how you are modelling the behaviours you would wish your child to display when she's older. When she's an independent minded teenager, doing things her way, will it be ok for her to skip Friday mornings because she doesn't feel she's doing well in French? When she's an adult who has a big work event she's anxious about, should she call in sick? Is it ok for her to lie to her teachers from now on (are you going to tell the school why she's not there)?

This is about much more than sports day.

Turn this on its head. There are a lot of posts here about mental health. They are negative; they are about protecting mental health by avoidance. As a life strategy, that's not great in the long run. This is an opportunity to develop future positive mental wellbeing by learning that the sky doesn't fall in if you come last in sports day. And that's from someone who always came last in sports day!

This year you can miss it because I can see you're struggling but let's really try to avoid this next year by working on your self esteem and helping you grow because regardless of the fact that you don't enjoy sport, it's also not fun to feel so negative about yourself when you actually are pretty amazing!'

I see this is quite a negative op, "I can see you are struggling' makes her sound like a victim. 'working on your self esteem' makes it sound like she has work to do on herself, and to 'grow' like she isn't old/good/mature enough. 'It is not fun to feel so negative about yourself' surely pointing out the absolute obvious.

I would be saying something empowering to dd.

'In our house/family if you really don't want to do something, you have the power to say no and decide what is right for you dd.
I am so glad you came to me and told me how much you hate sports day, many people do, and that was a real sign of maturity and taking responsibility for your feelings. if next year you will feel differently you can think about it then but I will always respect your wishes on this and other school stuff, in the mean time what do you want to do with your day off?'

I am wondering if her confidence issues are based on how things are being framed.

It is okay to not to do things if you don't want to, even school things.
You can say no, and mean it and people will listen
Boundaries are really important
Self respect in children starts with autonomy
It is okay not to like sports day/plays or whatever. Exams are usually but not always essential, but the extra stuff is a choice.

Rubbish. No day in adult life involves you doing something you are bad at in front of a baying crowd. Have you even read the thread? Full grown adults still upset by this with awful memories. My teen Dd is conscientious hardworking sporty. Did missing a primary sports day have any impact whatsoever? No. Dave your sanctimonious drivel for your assemblies.