I just really hate her and i feel stuck

[Sugarspiceandeverythingnice]

Without going into to much detail as i dont want to be outed...me and husband have 3 very young kids and recently bought a house which needs complete renovation. Still living in our old house but paying bills/mortgage on the new property and husband has suggested moving in with the in laws.
Now ideally this would be better as we would be saving on rent etc but i really really really really dont like my mil. She is controlling and interfering and is so manipulative. We lived with them very early on in the marriage and it caused endless arguments but we were young and newly married so maybe things might be different now. Me and the husband have had a pretty heated argument this evening because of her...i said no to moving in with her to her over the weekend and she has gone and twisted my words and made it all about her. I cant tell my husband how much i hate her because he adores her and is a mummys boy and its my word against hers. I sound like a bitch i know i do but the thought of going there even for a year (max) is filling me with dread and anxiety and I feel stuck. So not to drip feed..i dont work he is the soul earner in the house. He has paid for and bought said house therefore i feel stuck because if i say no he/ his family are making me seem like this ungrateful cow. And now after todays argument because of her i just feel even more adamant on not moving out. I just csnt cope with the stress of her/kids/him. Please help me feel better about this crappy situation.

You don’t say why you hate her, and hate is a very strong word. Why did you buy a house that needs renovating (with 3 young kids), did you not consider that’d it would be difficult for your DH to pay the bills on two houses?

That's a crap situation to be in.

First off, I think when you discuss this with your husband you need to remove all emotion from it (easier said than done I know). He is probably going to be very emotional about it (using words like "hate", "unfair", etc). You need to be neutral and factual.

"No, I don't hate your mother, I just don't want to live with her for a whole year." Don't discuss why you don't want to because he's always going to bring it down to "you hate his mother".

Try and think of arguments that are reasonable and that he can't object to. For instance, how big is the in-law's house ? It'd have to be quite big for it to be reasonable to bring in five extra people for a whole year.

And then focus on the practical side of it. Can you afford to keep going as you are ? If not, can you save money somewhere else to make it possible ? If it's not at all affordable to keep going you may not have much of a choice, but otherwise you're not unreasonable to say no.

Your husband may be the sole earner but you are, I'm guessing, doing the bulk of childcare and home admin/chores. That has value. Your husband doesn't get to call the shots because he is the one earning. If you were the one earning, would you tell him that it's your money and he's being ungrateful ? Or would you consider that you're a team ?

Can you live in the garden of the house renovation in a mobile home for the year instead?

Can you work part time? Theeefore alleviating some of the financial stress on DH and that can be the compromise instead of living with MIL?

I would rather work night shift somewhere than live with MIL or DM ( both who I love) being an adult and living with someone who is not DH sounds like torture to me.

Get two or three rooms sorted to some degree in the new purchase and go and move in there. The best of this idea is you are both on site to undertake the renovation work needed (I presume this was your intention) with no travelling time to and fro job site.

the down side is being able to secure the safe rooms and garden for the children. For example the front of the house for the materials etc, and the back kept for the family.

Just don't wait for winter though...

Your DH has been really unhelpful here. You said: "i said no to moving in with her to her over the weekend and she has gone and twisted my words and made it all about her."

Your MIL should not know your feelings about this. Your DH should have discussed it with you before talking to her and then presented this as the joint choice of both of you.

Your Mill would hate you too You both need space and own lives

Hate is a strong word i just feel abit emotional and sad at the moment. She does have her good bits to its just she has this way with her sons where whatever she says they will do, very respectful towards her and obedient wouldnt do anything to upset their mother which makes it harder for me. I dont really have anyone else i can speak to in real life no close family close by unfortunately.
The thing is this big house was his dream and all these extravagant plans are his i havent ever demanded or asked him for anything weve had to forgo and sacrifice alot since making this purchase and i feel this is a push to far.
The house they live in is huge and would more than accommodate us so that isnt an issue and not one i can say. I have displayed my argument to him and given all the reasons as to why i cannot move in without belittling his mum but atm they all sound like excuses to him. I regret ever agreeing to this house and just generally feel crap. On the whole we have a great relationship when it's just our little family our arguments have always stemmed from her in the past funnily enough.

Also me and mil have a stable relationship. I quietly seethe inside with her at times. She still has her moments where she is rude and overbearing but i just let it go because i know at the end of the day ill go to my own home and shell be in hers and life is to short and because in life you also have to pick your battles.

I would say no it would be too stressful uprooting kids and living under someone else's roof. I wouldn't back down, If it was bad when you were newly weds it will be much worse with kids.

What was the plan when you brought the new house? Did you both agree to stay in the current house?

How long will the renovations take?

I can completely understand why he’s not want to pay for 2 houses, that must be very expensive.

The big issue here is that you don’t work so you will be with MIL much more than he will.
Cab you get a job or help with the home renovations so you’re out of the house all day?

So who first brought up the idea of you all moving in with MIL, and why? Is it the finances, or was it MIL's grand plan? And are the finances "a bit tight", or threatening to derail the whole project?

If you risk losing the house by not making the move, then I'd say it's worth finding a compromise to make six months with MIL work (eg picnics in the park from 8-6, and a part-time job evenings and weekends). If it's just that money's a bit tight, then I'd say live on jam sandwiches all summer and find a way of getting your husband on board. If it was MIL's idea, then make him understand that it's you or her. Full Stop.

If you move in with her she will use it against you and take credit for all the sacrificing she did to make your new home habitable. This will give her a sense of entitlement to bluster through your home whenever she likes. (Along with opinions, etc..)

it’s totally reasonable to say no. You mention you don’t work- but you are still equal to your husband and you don’t have to do everything he says. It sounds like he has his big dream in progress with the renovation house; not everything has to go his way.

Why are you so passive? Where is your input in the house situation? Find some backbone and get a job. Money = options and to me it sounds like you have given up having any kind of say in your marriage.

It's a little late now to passively say the house wasn't your idea. You should have spoken up and got involved in understanding what the renovation would take before the property was purchased. Paying 2 mortgages while spending large amounts on a renovation isn't sustainable particularly if you are relying on a single income.
I'd look at living with your MIL for a short period as the significant non-financial contribution you have to make to give your children a beautiful home.
Can you focus on the practical things you need to discuss with your MIL and DH to ease your stay there? What routines for grocery shopping, cooking meals, meal choices, cleaning, tidying up, bath times, heating and hot water use? What financial contributions will your DH make to the bills etc?
Think of all the things she does that make you seethe and see if you can come up with a routine that reduces her control over the situation.

The time to debate living situation was before you bought the house and it's baffling to me why that didn't come up.

You haven't given any reason why you don't like MIL except that her kids do what she asks them to. It's fine to not want to share a home, but seems like you're trying to make it MIL's fault rather than that you simply don't want to share a house. Be honest about what you want and why, if you don't want to share your space then that's the reason you need to use with your DH. Then if you can't afford both houses you'll just have to get a job to help pay for the extra house.

Hates a bit strong. I'd don't and suck it up. Ask how long it's going to be for and do a count down. Keep going out as much as possible, even walks around the block,not to the library etc.

OP,

It sounds as if you have very little control over your life.

I really think you need to plan to return to work in the near future.

Surely it was obvious that he would suggest this move if huge renovations were a factor.

You have to stick to your guns.
Better to sell the house on, than move in with his parents.

If he gives so little consideration to what you want, you really don't have much of a marriage.

Moving in to someone's house for a year with your children, particularly someone you don't like, is absolutely ridiculous.

Be wary of being bullied by them both.

This could well be a deal breaker in your marriage.

A year is a very long time in terms of your mental health.

Her twisting your words at the weekend and making it all about her is a perfect reason why you will not be moving in.

Do you get on well with your husband when YOU do as your told?

Because it sounds like it's not just your MIL who may be controlling.

You seem to have had very little involvement with the decision making of buying your new home.

Do you feel controlled by your husband?

The house is beautiful and once done will be lovely. When we bought it i think both of us massively underestimated how much it would cost. Its a very old house and alot of problems have come up with it, things like the roof panels need completely replacing stuff we were not expecting. At no point did he say we would need to move out of this house but unfortunately financial situations have changed and prices of materials and labour work have really increased in the last t months. I would love to work but our kida are young and all my wages would end up going on childcare if i did.

A few families I know have hired a large static caravan and lived onsite at the new property while work is being done. Not sure of cost but could this be an option?

You need to change the narrative

I’m not happy when
I feel uncomfortable at
I wouldn’t like

You don’t bring in MIL - change it to I prefer my own kitchen, I can’t control the kids when they’re over excited
I find it difficult to communicate when I’m tired
I like my privacy

An alternative is the priorities parts of the new house - working kitchen - bathroom one clean room - bedrooms etc could wait
Or a caravan in the garden -

Well this sounds like a nightmare. A poisonous MIL can do a lot of damage over a year. That's too long a time to "go for walks" and hope for the best! It sounds like it will be destructive for you, psychologically, and your marriage. I am assuming that there is an alternative even if it is costly, as otherwise surely you and your husband would have had to discuss this before he bought this house...

If the alternative is you are just broke for a year I would go with that. A year of scrimping sounds much less painful than a year of living with a toxic MIL.

I wouldn’t do it . I love my mil and we get on great but we do have different opinions and living with her for any length of time no , I could probably manage a weekend but permanently fuck no .
explain to your dh your point of view living with anyone no matter how well you get on won’t work long term . I’d insist op this will end badly imo .