I just really hate her and i feel stuck

[Sugarspiceandeverythingnice]

Without going into to much detail as i dont want to be outed...me and husband have 3 very young kids and recently bought a house which needs complete renovation. Still living in our old house but paying bills/mortgage on the new property and husband has suggested moving in with the in laws.
Now ideally this would be better as we would be saving on rent etc but i really really really really dont like my mil. She is controlling and interfering and is so manipulative. We lived with them very early on in the marriage and it caused endless arguments but we were young and newly married so maybe things might be different now. Me and the husband have had a pretty heated argument this evening because of her...i said no to moving in with her to her over the weekend and she has gone and twisted my words and made it all about her. I cant tell my husband how much i hate her because he adores her and is a mummys boy and its my word against hers. I sound like a bitch i know i do but the thought of going there even for a year (max) is filling me with dread and anxiety and I feel stuck. So not to drip feed..i dont work he is the soul earner in the house. He has paid for and bought said house therefore i feel stuck because if i say no he/ his family are making me seem like this ungrateful cow. And now after todays argument because of her i just feel even more adamant on not moving out. I just csnt cope with the stress of her/kids/him. Please help me feel better about this crappy situation.

How does she know that you don't want to move in with them? Did your husband tell her? It's not on at all that he portrays you as the pne you doesn't want o listen to his mummy

Your mil sounds like a strong woman. She has given birth to and brought up your wonderful husband.

What was the plan when you bought the new house? How were you planning on doing the renovations?

Tbh you need to stand up to her. I let my mil walk all over me for years. When I finally stood up to her she didnt seem to notice so learn to say no thank you and don’t allow her to take over.

Remind him that it didn't work well last time, when there were no children. Now that you are a family, and used to making your own decisions and choices about parenting, it's going to be much more difficult.

His mum will see herself as the matriarch, and as you're at home all day, you will be the one who she will challenge on your everyday parenting decisions.

Try to get him to imagine what it would be like for him to live with your parents, and for your them to be watching every decision he makes. Remind him of the time she tried to override you about the meal time thing and ask him how he'd feel if your parents regularly did that to him.

I adored my MIL, and she was the least interfering and the most accepting person you could come across. But I still couldn't live with her for a year. Once an independent family, I don't know that it's ever possible to go back to living with parents (though I'm sure there are notable exceptions)

Yep I had a feeling from the outset that this was the case.
It sounds like mummy’s boy is just desperate to be mummied again, and since you’re running around after 3 small kids you’re not up for the job anymore, so he wants to run back to his actual mum who’ll give him all the prioritising and attention he misses.
DH has clearly been looking for an excuse to move in with his mum for ages, and he’s managed to finally back you into a corner with the prime excuse, so now it’s inevitable.
As someone who fell prey to a controlling husband who always found a way to get his own needs met at the cost of those of his wife and kids.. START GAINING BACK SOME POWER NOW.
The renovations will NOT take 1 year.. DH will drag it out till the bitter end and even if they do finish within a few years he will make a find excuse that now the house needs to be sold so you can upgrade or whatever.
Unless you realise you have some control in the matter you will literally end up being Cinderella to these people just because you feel obligated to the fact they’re the ones paying for everything right now.

I haven’t had the exact situation myself but maybe some others can offer examples of what they did to convince their DH to realise happy wife happy life? Is there some way you can make DH life more of a living hell than he is forcing you to live? Without affecting the kids or causing divorce..?

Best of luck OP. Rooting for you

Could moving in with MIL for a year provide enough child care for you to go to work? That might be a wonderful chance to save thousands more, develop your career and get out of the house! That's how I'd be looking at it.

I’m uncomfortable with the idea that you said that DH bought the property as he’s the only one earning. It indicates you undervalue your roll within the family.
If you don’t get on with your MiL now moving in with her is going to eat into your confidence even more.

so he always wantedd you to live with his mil anyway-and now hes bo9ught a run down house he gets his way albeit temprary

who the hell says a grown man comes before feeding the kids-she sounds bathsit

tell him to get his own food-i gather he doesnt do much cooking

Not read all PPs but maybe DH thinks of moving to your ILs because he may have to sell the house you are living in now asap - with talk of possible fall in property prices plus will he need the money from house sale to finance all the extra work in new house that you were not expecting? A year's renovation for a private house is a lot of renovation. Did DH/you not get a full survey before you bought as it is an old property so you knew ? Maybe you will have to live with ILs if these are the circumstances - for financial reasons.

You have a DH problem , like I do. He will do what's easy and cheaper for him. I'd be tempted to say that he can live at his mums with kids, you'll go to hers in the morning while he works. You will supervise the new build while you live in it. You refuse to fit in this happy extended family fantasy that him and his mum have. This is familiar to me. Is there any other solution? Can you go cheaper on a few things on the new house so you can have a cheap rental?

Can you possibly consider living in that new home BY YOURSELF? No matter what the condition? If so, then tell your husband that this is what you are going to do and he and kids can live the MIL. You can work on clearing out the new home while you are living in it, and when it is ready, he and the kids can move in, but UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES will you live under you mil’s roof. It doesn’t matter what the reasons for your disagreements with her are: you and your husband are adults, and living with in-laws is not something usually done, etc. etc.
If you choose this route, you may have to almost literally CAMP in the new house, BY YOURSELF, but if your mil is really as hateful as you say, it may be worth it. This will give Mama’s boy time to grow up while living at home, and he may even come to decide he needs to move in with you in the new house, too. If he doesn’t, at least you will both know that you can stick up for yourself.

Or maybe OP actually likes her kids and wants to live with them? And maybe she doesn't want her MIL to bring them up while she lives in a building project?

What an insane idea.

Whatever you do don’t move in with the mother in law you would go insane. Is there any chance you can stay where you are or in the new home. You shouldn’t be forced into this and if you don’t want to do it your husband should take your feelings into account. I know you must be so drained. It would be awful as once you move in your in till you can get out and it’s in her house till then. I would either get another job and stay put or sit down with your husband and explain that your not comfortable living in any house that’s not your own. I had a mother in law and it was hell on earth just going to visit for a few hours a week but living with her would have been awful. Don’t do something you don’t want to do. Let us all know how you get on

Stop being in fear of your husband. You sound scared he might leave you or choose his Mother. He chose this lifestyle and put you in it - So you need to take whatever you want, because you are just as important and equal in this relationship.

Also, you need to remind him who keeps him warm at night...and if he carries on, he can go snuggle up with Mummy.

If he scares you and respects his Mother's opinion more than the woman he married - He needs kicking to the curb.

You don't need him. You're just scared to be without him. Push that boundary and let his true colours shine.

Why do you hate her so much? What has she done?

Buy a caravan and live in the garden

Honestly i cant explain her i really cant its so hard no matter what i say to him about her or try to talk to her or reason with them im made to feel like im batshit crazy and have some deep rooted issues. Shes so amazingly manipulative and shes so good at it. When we lived there before as soon as i leave in the morning to go work shed come straight into my room redo my bed open my windows empty my bin touch my things go through my washing and give me the pile that needed ironing because thats the way my DH liked it and he never said anything to her said so what its her house but it was my personal space. I had to be home at a certain time so i could be taught how to cook how my DH likes because my food wasnt good enough it was just crazy stuff but if i dared said anything the waterworks would start and shed say to my husband im only helping your wife and she should be so grateful i love her so much. I cant go through all that again. We have a faaaaar better relationship now but the thought of going through all that again it gives me major anxiety

Great idea

So i did speak to DH and i gave him reasons as to why i couldnt and actually didnt even say no i said id think about it and im happy to move in if he can also compromise and promise to have my back if issues were to occur. It didnt go down well as he said my mum doesnt want us there anymore especially since i said no and he hates that ive taken away this one chance to spend quality time with his parents and for his parents to spend that time with the grandkids. Currently not on talking terms

And sorry some of you asked what was the plan when we bought the house. There was no plan just get it done asap and move in but because of certain things that have come up its really not straight forward anymore. He never once said we would have to move or anything.

Have to move with his mum

I could have written this post up until 5 years ago.
I know exactly what you're talking about.

She's won the moral argument I'm afraid. My MIL did this to me.

Once your DH calms down, I'd be tempted to say 'it's a shame she doesn't want us any
more, and obviously it was too much for us to ask of her really.

What shall we do?? Apologise for your part in it and concentrate on other solutions.

Also acknowledge the fact they want to spend time together 'why didn't you both just say you wanted some quality time together?' If that's the case why don't you take the kids for a weekend and I'll get on with some house stuff??

In future whoever he makes those kind of suggestions, don't go on the defensive.

If you didn't actually say no, and he's told his mum that you did, you have a real DH problem.

I couldn’t live like this - Id be gone.
Life’s too short . it’s not worth the constant anxiety - his relationship with his mother is the stronger one from the sounds of it.

I feel for you, OP. Your partner sounds like he needs his umbilical cord snipped. He should really have more respect for your wishes, what is good for you as his partner and mother of the children. No matter how upset he is you have done the right thing.

This sort of conflict is exactly why you don't want to live with the toxic MIL. It probably feels like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't at the moment, but she'd only be undermining you and playing these games with the kids if you lived with her... It sounds like you might have escaped that fate at least.

If you are not working, and little ones are not in school is there a chance you can go and stay with your family and he can move in with his mother! That’s a fair compromise. If that means you taking a plane.

You say that you and DH have a great relationship- from everything you say it sounds like he is rather controlling. “He” wanted the house. “he” wants to move. “he” wanted to live with his parents.

I had a toxic MIL and SIL who nearly broke my marriage and broke me emotionally. 6 years later my marriage has never really recovered. Please don’t let this happen to you.