I just really hate her and i feel stuck

[Sugarspiceandeverythingnice]

Without going into to much detail as i dont want to be outed...me and husband have 3 very young kids and recently bought a house which needs complete renovation. Still living in our old house but paying bills/mortgage on the new property and husband has suggested moving in with the in laws.
Now ideally this would be better as we would be saving on rent etc but i really really really really dont like my mil. She is controlling and interfering and is so manipulative. We lived with them very early on in the marriage and it caused endless arguments but we were young and newly married so maybe things might be different now. Me and the husband have had a pretty heated argument this evening because of her...i said no to moving in with her to her over the weekend and she has gone and twisted my words and made it all about her. I cant tell my husband how much i hate her because he adores her and is a mummys boy and its my word against hers. I sound like a bitch i know i do but the thought of going there even for a year (max) is filling me with dread and anxiety and I feel stuck. So not to drip feed..i dont work he is the soul earner in the house. He has paid for and bought said house therefore i feel stuck because if i say no he/ his family are making me seem like this ungrateful cow. And now after todays argument because of her i just feel even more adamant on not moving out. I just csnt cope with the stress of her/kids/him. Please help me feel better about this crappy situation.

If your DH sells the old house - instead of moving in with MIL, can you not rent somewhere smaller and closer to the house you're refurbishing or as a PP said put a caravan or park home beside the house you're refurbishing.
If you have equity in the old house can you not remortgage or take a loan against the value of the old house?
Alternatively, can you suggest you all move in with one of your relatives? That may help your DH to see your pov about living with his DM. I wouldn't live with my MIL with three young DCs.

Could you fit a static caravan in the garden of new house? I think I'd go for that option over living with inlaws.
I adore mil but couldnt live with her. But late but I'd say to dh that you value your relationship with mil and dont want to risk damaging it by living with them.

Agree to leave her out of it. Would your dh move in with your family or any other family for a year? You need your own space, it's a massive imposition which even if offered may cause tension down the line. Unless you have your own kitchen, living are & bathroom, basically a separate wing where you don't need to see the others, it would be a no from me.

Friend brought a chalet bungalow- moveable type and put it in the garden while renovating. Meant everyone had a bedroom and enough space

Please do not move in with your in laws for a year.

We lived with my own mother for six months whilst in the process of buying/selling, and it was really, really stressful.

Can you scale back your rennovation plans? There must be ways you can cut costs, economise? Do the essentials but get a more budget friendly kitchen for example?

Xx

Drhf. Good post.

Agree op shouldn't have to be explain in such efforts like this.

Maybe it's not been made clear enough. All these decisions and dreams are his not yours so why can't he compromise. I guess he doesn't have too because he's in full control.

Living on site will be so much easier and with these projects they run on. I can imagine a year turning into 2

Why does someone always put the DH will be responsible for half the childcare bills? Yes he will but the OP will also be responsible for contributing to the other bills and the renovations so they won't be any better off financially. It will get her out of the house though

Also I feel sad that you don't seem to think you are contributing here because he's working.

I feel sad that you can't value or he can't ,your contribution. Maybe you should start making moves to work so he can see how much child care is, then the pick up and drop off.

Sweeny op is in a hidden work situation.
Unfortunately we are increasingly becoming a society where only being paid with money means something has any value.
So if op starts to get paid and he has to look at the cost of looking after his DC he may understand her value.

Some people understand the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
Unfortunately society seems to be moving in this direction.

I'm a bit concerned that you say if you worked all your wages would go on childcare, why is this? Childcare is the responsibility of BOTH parents, not just the mother. If you got a job you'd have to share paying for the childcare, proportionally

Even if childcare and bills were split equally it doesn’t mean that as a family they will get more money. If money is split equally after bills etc then with an extra income that is being eaten up in childcare the money is still the same.

You’ve not even moved in with her yet and the situation isn’t working. Do not move in!

can you get a couple of rooms liveable in your new house you can live in these whilst rest is being done?

Exactly this, our bills inc childcare all come out of the joint pot but it doesn't mean I'm making much money once I contribute to the pot every month, all of my husband's wages go in and 80% of mine.

Are you in Ireland OP?

@pitterypattery00 totally agree we have built one house and renovated another house, we are now in the process of building again. My partner is a builder he refuses to move into a house until its fully livable. For a few reasons, one its harder to finish jobs when you live in the house and your might never get them done, another is your home is your sanctuary and where you need to rest sleep etc, it can have a huge affect on your health and how you live, especially in this case with three young children. We have sold our house while we build and am living in a small rented house, its not perfect but to me far better than living with my in laws or a mobile home. In this case you need to have a serious chat with your husband, as people say you are a team, He needs to be seeing things from your point of view. Is there an option to rent smaller near your house? If your mother in laws house is big is there an option to divide a section off temporarily? So you have a door you can close off ? This was an option we looked out ourselves, as in laws house was big, so we would have our own living room, bedroom, bathroom and a small kitchen we could use

I don't disagree with the fact he doesn't realise her worth, but it is pointless to suggest they would be better off financially unless OP can earn more than the cost of the childcare, and the cost of getting to and from work.
Whilst it might help him appreciate her contribution more, it will not provide a solution to her problem of living with MIL.

I wish people would stop saying that childcare is a joint expense on threads like these. The OP clearly means that her earnings wouldn’t contribute more to the pot; if she works and earns say, £25k, childcare for 3 would be £25k and so as a family they’re no better off. In fact, could be worse off after commuting costs, work clothes etc.

It’s all very well to talk bout pensions etc, I agree that is important but when you’re looking at going to work and it’s costing money, instead of increasing the household income it doesn’t make sense.

It’s all very well to talk bout pensions etc, I agree that is important but when you’re looking at going to work and it’s costing money, instead of increasing the household income it doesn’t make sense.

Well certainly not if the purpose is more money to finance a renovation project!

No it might not mean more money. But right now the OP has no say in the decisions and no power to choose where and how she lives. The reason for this is apparently because all her work is unpaid and therefore valueless in everyone’s eyes.

Her getting a paid job will force the husband to do more of the unpaid work and will give her more of a vote in her family life. Once he is doing unpaid work it will suddenly have a value.

Now personally I think it should be a family and not a limited company where your shareholding determines your voting rights. But that’s how it seems to be in the OPs family .

Unlike most of the posts, I think the primary problem is the relationship with your DH. You say he is a 'mummy's boy' and that your MIL is 'controlling'. Maybe they have that trait in common? From your posts, it was his choice to buy a large house that needs renovating rather than a smaller modern house. You stay at home because of the costs of childcare but has he helped with childcare so you could find a part time job? He has also told his MIL your feelings, rather than wait until you've both agreed on your shared response.

I'd sell the house and wait until the children were older before buying his fantasy house. I think your DH needs to treat your marriage as a partnership.

@Sugarspiceandeverythingnice

He has paid for and bought said house therefore i feel stuck because if i say no he/ his family are making me seem like this ungrateful cow.

If you are the main childcarer then he has not paid for the house. He could not earn money if you were not taking care of his children. You have both worked hard and you equally own the house. You have no need to be ‘grateful’ to him for it.

I would just sell the house he recently bought. If he’s taken on a project he now can’t afford that’s on him.

Living with MIL for a year is no answer.

I understand OP. I have a difficult mil too - it’s taken me years to disentangle from her power dynamics but living with her would destroy my mental health. She has a weird hold over her own dc that is very hard to explain, but at some level they just suspend rational thought around her. I lost a couple of years to anxiety and depression and my dc were young and won’t get that back - this needs to be a hard no from you.

I think when you’re the sahp, the relationship around money shifts. I know it did for me - on the surface of it I have equal access, we make decisions together etc. on paper it’s equitable. But I acceded to an extension I didn’t want, because he wanted it so much and at the end of the day I don’t truly feel I have an equal say when he’s the one earning it. I know that’s just in my head. But it’s a subtle power dynamic and it’s one of the reasons I wouldn’t recommend staying home lightly.

I don’t think going back to work is necessarily the right move for you at this point. It could make a difference, but in all likelihood it won’t give you the clout that you’re lacking in this relationship - he’ll still be the main earner; your job won’t count, and it likely puts strain on you and the dc more than anything else (that’s not to say it’s not a solid long term strategy, and something to consider).

The way to have more clout, is to take it. Own your feelings about your mil. Take your mental health, and the impact it will have on the dc seriously. Stop treating yourself as a second class citizen because everyone else will take their cues from you.

BigSandyBalls2015 why have you asked the OP if she is in Ireland?

Firstly Sugarspiceandeverythingnice does have power to make decisions.
Whether her Dh takes notice before he gets handed divorce papers is another matter.

As I said friend went through this type of thing with 3 young children, living in a mobile home on site and grew to hate the house her Dh spent every waking minute doing stuff to and having to deal with the stream of builders, carpenters, plumbers etc

When they eventually moved in 2 years after when it was supposed to be finished there were still bits and pieces to do that never got finished.

Her choice for her Dh was sell up and move to something that didn’t need any work or sell up and give her half the profits and a divorce

Whilst it is a nice idea that when Sugarspiceandeverythingnice gets a job her Dh will suddenly be doing unpaid work , childcare, cooking, cleaning etc The truth is this will still fall to Sugarspiceandeverythingnice

Sugarspiceandeverythingnice Can I ask why you say your Dh bought the house. Weren’t you put on the deeds or mortgage? You know as you have been married for a few years and have children then the house is half yours

If it was a couple of weeks I'd say just put up with it. But a year. Thats ridiculous and a very very long time even for people who get on well. Just say its far too long and it wouldn't work.