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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I just really hate her and i feel stuck

142 replies

Sugarspiceandeverythingnice · 14/06/2022 00:40

Without going into to much detail as i dont want to be outed...me and husband have 3 very young kids and recently bought a house which needs complete renovation. Still living in our old house but paying bills/mortgage on the new property and husband has suggested moving in with the in laws.
Now ideally this would be better as we would be saving on rent etc but i really really really really dont like my mil. She is controlling and interfering and is so manipulative. We lived with them very early on in the marriage and it caused endless arguments but we were young and newly married so maybe things might be different now. Me and the husband have had a pretty heated argument this evening because of her...i said no to moving in with her to her over the weekend and she has gone and twisted my words and made it all about her. I cant tell my husband how much i hate her because he adores her and is a mummys boy and its my word against hers. I sound like a bitch i know i do but the thought of going there even for a year (max) is filling me with dread and anxiety and I feel stuck. So not to drip feed..i dont work he is the soul earner in the house. He has paid for and bought said house therefore i feel stuck because if i say no he/ his family are making me seem like this ungrateful cow. And now after todays argument because of her i just feel even more adamant on not moving out. I just csnt cope with the stress of her/kids/him. Please help me feel better about this crappy situation.

OP posts:

toomuchlaundry · 14/06/2022 07:47

Could your MIL look after your DC so you can work and get out of the house for a few hours a day?

Shelby2010 · 14/06/2022 07:48

By the way they are not ‘excuses’ why you don’t want to live with MIL - they are ‘reasons’. And they are valid.

I imagine moving in with MIL was always the safety net at the back of his mind.

redskyatnight · 14/06/2022 07:52

I would love to work but our kida are young and all my wages would end up going on childcare if i did.

So work evenings and weekends. Or will MIL babysit (you may not be keen on this option)? I sympathise with you not wanting to move in with you in-laws but you can't just refuse to do it - you need to help to find an alternative solution instead.

pitterypattery00 · 14/06/2022 07:55

I can only give my experience of living in a renovation project. We bought our small house over 5 years ago and it's still not finished. In that time we have had a child, now 2. It's really stressful to live like this.

Renovations are completely slowed down as things can't be done in the most efficient way if you're living there (e.g. our electrics and plastering had to be done room by room, often months between rooms).We've had to move our furniture around the house umpteen times depending on which rooms we were working on/needed access to. PP have said to finish a couple of rooms and live in those but unless the house is big, the reality is that it's not really possible to live in those rooms 'normally' e.g. excess dust/dirt from building work in other parts of house meant that none of our 'finished' rooms had carpets for several years, our 'finished' living room had piles of materials for other rooms stores their like kitchen tiles. Since having a child work has slowed - as one of us is always taking care of him.

It might still be a preferable option to living with your in laws, only you can decide that!

LezzaTheBean · 14/06/2022 07:56

OP, is there any reason why you can't live in the renovation? I have done it several times, including with young children. If you approach it with the right head on, it can even be fun. You just have to have a means to cook (plug-in things) and a means to wash.

Ohtoberoavingagain · 14/06/2022 07:56

Living with in laws for a year with 3 kids is always going to be difficult , even if you got on well. It’d be a big disruption for both sides.
What wS your plan when you bought the new house?

Two ideas—- mobile home in the garden of new home, biggest you can get onsite. You might need permission from local council but they will usually grant with a time limit and condition it’s only for your family.
Otherwise do up a bathroom and two rooms—- kids can sleep in one, other is used as living room and you and DH sleep in it. Kitchen may well have to a camping kitchen. You need a firm plan and timescale for other works on the house and stick to it. Otherwise , if it’s too loosely planned it tends to drift.
( former property renovator)

LezzaTheBean · 14/06/2022 07:57

Crossed with @pitterypattery00 ! I still vote for living in the renovation and embracing the dust and chaos...

notanothertakeaway · 14/06/2022 08:03

I would make it less personal. Don't say that you don't want to live with MIL. Just say you don't want to live with ANYONE

More importantly, come up with solutions. What are you suggesting should happen? If the new house is safe and watertight, does it really need "complete renovation", or is it just dated / old fashioned? If the latter, you could paint a few rooms to put your mark on it, and then do the work in stages, over a period of time

1VY · 14/06/2022 08:11

Don’t move in with her, it won’t be different this time. She is already causing rows Between you.

You don’t have to live like that, it’s not your dream, it’s your husbands to have a big house like his parents.

And the renovation won’t take a year, I’ll tell you that right now. So you need to come up with a solution you can live with for at least two years.

Are you in rented right now?

Twiglets1 · 14/06/2022 08:16

You’re not being unreasonable. I could never live with my mil as I dislike the woman and even her own children recognise that she is narcissistic and lacks empathy for other people.
Just because some people are lucky enough to have pleasant in laws they could live with doesn’t mean we all do! You need to stick to your guns for the sake of your mental health.

3luckystars · 14/06/2022 08:17

That won’t be good for you or your children. I can see how stuck you feel.
you could say ‘I’m worried that I won’t get on with your mother and it will damage our marriage too much, our marriage is more important than any house’

drpet49 · 14/06/2022 08:21

I wouldn’t live in a renovation with 3 small children.

Kennykenkencat · 14/06/2022 08:24

My first thought which others have suggested. Static caravan in the front garden

I know it is too late now but did you not get a survey done before buying.

Big old beautiful wrecks are money pits and if you don’t have the money, or paid too much it can become a nightmare.

i mentioned the static caravan option because a friend did something similar.

They now live in a one-off new build that came complete with furniture in place.
.

drhf · 14/06/2022 08:26

Your feelings about your mother-in-law are a secondary issue here. The point is your relationship with your husband. Marriage is teamwork - working together, putting each other first (along with your kids). Everyone else, even much-loved parents, siblings etc., should be secondary. Your husband seems to think his team is him and his mother, with you a distant third, which isn't sustainable. You shouldn't need to justify yourself at such length to this man. You have a demanding job (as a SAM mother to small children) and you don't feel comfortable living with his mother because you don't like the way she behaves toward you. That's it. 'No.' is a complete sentence.

It may be that financially you don't have any good options - although a caravan seems worth exploring - in which case you may all have to accept the in-laws' (generous) offer and make the best of it. But the only way that can work is if you know your husband has your back. That will make everything easier, plus unreasonable parents tend to back down once they see that their offspring aren't going to tolerate it any longer.

If you have trouble explaining your needs to your husband, could you try couple's therapy like Relate? I found them a lifesaver in a similar situation.

diddl · 14/06/2022 08:30

Could you work around your husband so that money isn't going on childcare & projects can be paid for more quickly?

I would rather live in a couple of rooms than with ILs tbh!

sst1234 · 14/06/2022 08:31

CoffeeBeansGalore · 14/06/2022 02:02

Can you live in the garden of the house renovation in a mobile home for the year instead?

with 3 kids? Why do people come out with stuff like this?

TooMuchBoozeTooManyBoos · 14/06/2022 08:31

I've known people - with children - to live in a caravan for a year while houses were renovated. In the front garden is a good option, because you obviously still then have access to the house.

I appreciate your specific MIL is a pita but I always feel a bit sorry for ILs in scenarios like this: when families don't like them but move in anyway because it's cheaper. It's just seems like, bad though they might be, they are also being used. (I also feel for those who are forced to move in against their will).

Jakeyachey · 14/06/2022 08:34

I would love to work but our kida are young and all my wages would end up going on childcare if i did

how come? Why wouldn’t he pay half? Plus it would get you out th house during the day lessening the impact plus give you financial independence.

VodselForDinner · 14/06/2022 08:37

YABU.

No matter what your relationship is like, you’ve ended up in this situation by choice. It sounds like she’s being hugely generous to even offer.

Just don’t move in with her- job done. I’m sure she’d prefer to not have extra people in her house.

Afterfire · 14/06/2022 08:38

I agree that the mil is secondary.

You have some very odd views about this new house / finances- just because your dh works and you don’t it doesn’t mean it’s any less your house. You’re contributing in other ways and the house will be considered a martial asset - it will be considered 50/50 yours regardless of whether he’s the one paying for it on paper or not. It sounds like you don’t see yourself as equal to him- and that’s also impacting on your ability to tell him no when it comes to his Mum!

Spohn · 14/06/2022 08:38

Childcare costs are the responsibility of both parents. You’d be contributing to your pension and not being dependent on your husband, and not be dependent on his mother to house you all- win/win.

KingofLoss · 14/06/2022 08:48

Some things are worth more than money, and peace of mind is one of them. I get on fine with my MIL and I'd divorce DH over move in with in-laws if it came down to it. I just couldn't. Couldn't share my space with someone like that, let alone if I didn't love and get along like a house on fire with them!

I'm a bit concerned that you say if you worked all your wages would go on childcare, why is this? Childcare is the responsibility of BOTH parents, not just the mother. If you got a job you'd have to share paying for the childcare, proportionally.

Sswhinesthebest · 14/06/2022 08:49

Just use the argument that it’s never a good idea for women to share kitchens. No matter how well they get on to begin with, it always ends badly. You’d prefer to keep the “good” relationship you have with her now, rather than things deteriorate to the point of divorce.
Remind him, he’s out of the house working and it’s you that will be at home potentially clashing with other people in the house and then he’ll have to bear the fallout from that when he gets home from work. If he values his relationship with you and values your relationship with his family, then he must realise it’s not a good idea. Don’t make it personal to mil. Make sure you point out this would be a problem with anyone you live with, even your own mother, as everyone has their ways and styles that will inevitably clash at points.

Marlaah · 14/06/2022 08:50

I cant tell my husband how much i hate her because he adores her and is a mummys boy and its my word against hers. I sound like a bitch i know i do but the thought of going there even for a year (max) is filling me with dread and anxiety and I feel stuck.

Do you have childcare? If not, could you afford it so you can get a p/t job, or a course etc to get you out of their house? Will you have transport? Again, it’s another means of minimising time with her. I don’t envy you, OP, I wouldn’t be happy with this arrangement.

Cocowatermelon · 14/06/2022 08:57

Can you frame it as saving your relationship with MIL?
You’ve done this before, and it didn’t work well. You both get on much better when you both have your own space in separate houses. You don’t want to fight with your MIL or about your MIL and that’s so much easier to do when you’re not trying to live together. You enjoy (possible white lie) the stable respectful relationship you’ve been able to build since living in separate houses and you don’t want to jeopardize that.

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