I just really hate her and i feel stuck

[Sugarspiceandeverythingnice]

Without going into to much detail as i dont want to be outed...me and husband have 3 very young kids and recently bought a house which needs complete renovation. Still living in our old house but paying bills/mortgage on the new property and husband has suggested moving in with the in laws.
Now ideally this would be better as we would be saving on rent etc but i really really really really dont like my mil. She is controlling and interfering and is so manipulative. We lived with them very early on in the marriage and it caused endless arguments but we were young and newly married so maybe things might be different now. Me and the husband have had a pretty heated argument this evening because of her...i said no to moving in with her to her over the weekend and she has gone and twisted my words and made it all about her. I cant tell my husband how much i hate her because he adores her and is a mummys boy and its my word against hers. I sound like a bitch i know i do but the thought of going there even for a year (max) is filling me with dread and anxiety and I feel stuck. So not to drip feed..i dont work he is the soul earner in the house. He has paid for and bought said house therefore i feel stuck because if i say no he/ his family are making me seem like this ungrateful cow. And now after todays argument because of her i just feel even more adamant on not moving out. I just csnt cope with the stress of her/kids/him. Please help me feel better about this crappy situation.

She sounds really controlling why did you agree to it- he'll never have your back he doesnt think shes done anything wrong

i wouldnt be moving back in there after the last time tuching your stuff-she thinks she owns you all-why did you agree to cooking for dh we're not in the 50s

“ quality time with his parents “??? I assume he lived with them full time for at least 20 years . And if he wanted to stay with his parents, he shouldn’t have married and had 3 kids.

Im also laughing at the idea that working full time, caring for 3 children and renovating a house will allow him a lot of quality free time.

What a night mare for you. But now he's not talking?.well never accept the silent treatment as that is a form of passive bullying. He's showing his true colours.Im so sorry for you.dont move in with her.

A YEAR! I would imagine mil would be pulling her hair out after that long! Too long for anyone, even if you like each other imo.

Oh dear, this does sound like a much more complicated situation than most of us realised. I think you absolutely shouldn't move in with MIL, if only because of what might be coming next. She's not just controlling, but she does everything for him and has taught him to expect that from any woman within shouting distance. Why would he give that up? Clearly the things his mother couldn't provide, that you have brought into his world, are sex and parenthood. Either HE needs to show that I'm being an unpleasant cynic, or YOU need to re-evaluate things.

Meanwhile, your options (according to the unpleasant cynic) are that you sweet-talk him with something like, "What you said has reminded me of how things were before. I have a much better relationship with your mother now, and would like to keep it that way. Which means not spending too much time together. Please find another way of sorting the New House problems." Or you give it to him straight, "We need to concentrate on our own relationship, and our children. The house is pushing things to their limit, but adding your mother into the mix would definitely be a thing too far and I'm not prepared to risk it. Please find another way of sorting the New House problems."

I do see that other posters have suggested that you need to offer a solution. But it doesn't seem as though your relationship works that way. It seems that your husband says what he wants and then he does it. His life's been that way. Whatever you suggest won't get his approval. Your effort needs to go into working out whether you want to be in this relationship any longer, and if not, how to resolve your own issues.

I would move in then get a job and start rebuilding your life. Use MIL and know you're using her to get a better life. Or at least one with options. You'll never had a leg to stand on if you don't start becoming more independent from your dh financially.

Once you move into his parents home, you're stuck. No going back. Like it or not it will cause major arguments. YOU ought to come first with your DH as you're a separate family. His mother should recognise that she can't and shouldn't pull the strings any more. Do you really want to revisit the scenario of her manipulating your time, such as deciding when you should take the children out, what time they should go to bed, private time with your DH without her butting in. No meals for just the two of you to talk about each other's day/plans/private chat. There will be three of you in the marriage, have no doubt about it and in winter when you can't get out as much, you'll be even more at her mercy, having to do things her way. No time to just put your feet up and do nothing or have a night in with DH, film drink etc just the two of you.
Do you really want to suppress having a disagreement with your DH because his mother will hear it, because you will have to otherwise she will interfere.
He grew up, left home, got married. He should never go back there to live. It never works and will harm your relationship.
Meanwhile, he'll be in clover with two women running around pleasing him and she'll be directing operations.

Her 'generosity' will be mentioned at every opportunity ad infinitum. You'll never be grateful enough, not for people like her.

Just don't agree to it.
Good luck...you'll need it. 🍀🍀🍀

Read the OP's replies before making a comment. They DONT OWN the house they currently live in, THEY RENT IT, so there is no mortgage and no house to sell.

he said my mum doesnt want us there anymore especially since i said no and he hates that ive taken away this one chance to spend quality time with his parents and for his parents to spend that time with the grandkids. Currently not on talking terms,

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. He sounds like a manipulative twat.

Doesn't he just.

Can you move home and he stay with his mother?

I feel sorry for you OP but you can't really be that surprised when you know you married a mummy's boy and go on to have three children with him.

You have always been at his and her mercy.

I feel for your children because your MH being compromised will affect them so much.

Would your family take you in?
It is unlikely you health and marriage will survive a year of living with her either way.

Jeanieology the OP stated that her MIL is controlling, interfering & very manipulative. I would take a guess that that’s why she hates her!!

No wonder your DH wants to move in with his mummy, when he's there it's all about him. His mummy running around after him and making sure his wife is too. That's whats turned him into an entitled manchild

As a matter of interest what is he like with the kids when he's at his mummies. I bet he doesn't lift a finger

Good grief no!

He'll become even more horrible to you & be so happy that there's no incentive to get the house done!

I'd rather sell the house & get somewhere smaller.

Either way I wouldn't e staying with him.

OP is there a cultural element here? As in, do your H and MIL come from a culture where it’s common practice or even expected that the DS and DIL will live with his parents and the DIL is subordinate to MIL in the pecking order? If so it might be worth trying to get advice from other women in your situation who understand that cultural expectation.
It might also be worth trying a session of family/couple’s counseling with your DH. He needs to understand that the dynamic of living with your MIL and having her do things like make your bee and go through your washing is unacceptable and humiliating for you. You can’t turn off your reactions to her behavior even if DH doesn’t share the same feelings as you and doesn’t understand why you feel that way. That doesn’t mean it’s 100% morally wrong of your MIL to behave like this, it just means your needs and expectations of a DIL/MIL relationship and your MIL’s needs and expectations clash in a way that makes living together a very bad idea.

Some of the replies are utterly batshit.

this must be a joint decision with your husband and if you are adamant you will not live with MIL then he must respect that.

cost up childcare for the 3 kids and cleaning and laundry services for the hours you do. Your labour might currently be unpaid but worse is it seems to be undervalued. Time to assert a few boundaries (and expect him to whinge). What would you say to a friend in the same situation?

Life is about compromise and it would seem you want it all your own way. Where was the reality check before you bought the house? Questions about what you could afford, where you would live, etc? Now you have the house, reality seems to have kicked you up the bum. If your MIL is happy to have you all for a year say yes and work hard to make it work. A year is nothing. Otherwise you could be living in a house that is not suitable for children but you would be on your own. I know which one I would choose!

Personally, I would move in with in laws and get a full time job.....or leave the kids with MIL and project manage the renovations full time. Either way you get free childcare and you are away from her and only home to have quality time with the children and then go to bed.