I just really hate her and i feel stuck

[Sugarspiceandeverythingnice]

Without going into to much detail as i dont want to be outed...me and husband have 3 very young kids and recently bought a house which needs complete renovation. Still living in our old house but paying bills/mortgage on the new property and husband has suggested moving in with the in laws.
Now ideally this would be better as we would be saving on rent etc but i really really really really dont like my mil. She is controlling and interfering and is so manipulative. We lived with them very early on in the marriage and it caused endless arguments but we were young and newly married so maybe things might be different now. Me and the husband have had a pretty heated argument this evening because of her...i said no to moving in with her to her over the weekend and she has gone and twisted my words and made it all about her. I cant tell my husband how much i hate her because he adores her and is a mummys boy and its my word against hers. I sound like a bitch i know i do but the thought of going there even for a year (max) is filling me with dread and anxiety and I feel stuck. So not to drip feed..i dont work he is the soul earner in the house. He has paid for and bought said house therefore i feel stuck because if i say no he/ his family are making me seem like this ungrateful cow. And now after todays argument because of her i just feel even more adamant on not moving out. I just csnt cope with the stress of her/kids/him. Please help me feel better about this crappy situation.

If the garden is big, build a large cabin and live in that. It will still come in very useful in the future. Friends altered the garage and lived in that. PPs have suggested a caravan. There's no need to live with MiL and better to be on site to supervise work.

Does OP want to live in a cabin for a year though? Her DH has bumped her into this. She can say no. No to a cabin, no to MIL no to the whole thing.

Your husband seems to think his team is him and his mother, with you a distant third, which isn't sustainable
This! 100 percent!
However, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. The house is bought and needs work before yu can move in. That's the unchangeable fact and you both have to find a solution you can live with.
DH thinks his is the perfect money-saving solution, but he will not be the one dealing with the very real difficulties on a daily basis. You will be at home with an overbearing MIL and 3 children. I would find that extremely difficult. We lived in rental for 3 months and that was hard, whilst the roof, loft conversion, electricity, heating, floorboards were done. There was still masses to do and we had some uncomfortable months living there but it was do able.
How realistic are your husbands housing plans? Didn't he factor in the whole thing properly. Only you can decide how worth it, it will be. All sorts of factors like do you have your own transport will become very important.
As many have said, a mobile home which can later be sold to recoup cost, would be very practical even if you do have to spend a few months at MILs... get the worst of the basics done like electricals, heating etc.. and you have a bolt hole. It will probably be very useful for you both to stay overnight when you are having a blast at the property. Whilst at MILs you could have access to childcare to get some work (of any kind) to get NI, references and experience for when you have time for a better job and to get you out of the house.
I think that no one is listening to you and dismissing your very real reasons (as another pp said, not excuses) and I think in this situation that you need couples therapy to have a third person to guide you both in ways of communicating. And personally you need to get some assertion training because it sounds like you are really going to need it with these two.
Seriously because it would be a way of changing the dynamic to your DH not listening to you and listening to his mother instead. So that there is no real communication between the three of you, you can't budge them because they are not hearing you, so they don't understand your viewpoint and feel you are unreasonable. so the circle goes on. I hope you find a way though this and also focus on your lovely children and enjoy them as much as you can under the circumstances.

sorry just to add. What about finding a small flat near the new house? It may be a bit cramped but could be cheaper than the mobile home and would help you have access to the house. I think doing your research and presenting costed alternatives and pointing out the advantages are the way forward here. sorry for long post.

Why do people buy projects instead of homes then complain about it?

Marvelously helpful post there well done!

Yet another ‘hated MIL’ thread……..

So glad you aren’t my daughter in law! Much as I love my family, I wouldn’t particularly welcome the idea of any of them moving in with three young children for a YEAR. I would suggest, OP, that you move in with your own family, if the idea of someone helping you out by offering rent-free accommodation is just too much to bear.

And just think on, one day you will probably be someone’s MIL, and then you may see how it feels to have an ungrateful, criticising younger person being spectacularly spiteful.

You don’t say why you hate her, and hate is a very strong word. Why did you buy a house that needs renovating (with 3 young kids), did you not consider that’d it would be difficult for your DH to pay the bills on two houses?

Marvelously helpful post there well done!

Eh? It's exactly what I was thinking, why buy a house that needs so much renovation in the first place! People put on posts like yours as if to say not helpful, it's happened now. Well maybe if it had been thought through properly OP wouldn't be in this mess, as it now sounds as if she has been fairly passiive in the whole process as its her DHs dream.

Fuck no.
i would live in a static home or rent a 2 bed and cram in before I did that.

Knowing all the financial burden of paying for two places is on your DH, I’d such it up for a year.

I lived with my in laws for three years to save for a house deposit. We have now bought a house so it was worth it, but it was tough, and I get on great with my ILs. If you do it, have a chat and make a solid plan- how long are you staying for? What will you do if you need a break from them?
If you can manage it, I wouldn't do it at all.
However when you're talking about why you don't want to, don't talk about a hatred of MiL or call him a mummy's boy. Just focus on why you don't like the idea of losing your own space. How this will be better for you all.
Depending on how long the work will take, you could look into getting a caravan/mobile home to temporarily live in to save the cost of your old property.

He is the earner and you are at home raising 3 kids. You are a team and you both are contributing so you both have a say on decisions that affect your family.

I would work evenings and weekends, or whenever dh is home, rather than move in with her, which will destroy you.

Also, you both need to remove the thought that it's 'his' money. It isn't. It is family money with you both contributing to that salary in different ways.

Without getting into the "hate" thing - I just wanted to say you DO work if you are bringing up 3 young children. You facilitate your husband being able to go out and earn, but both of you are working, and very hard too by the sounds of it.

Don't let anyone tell you you aren't contributing because you're the one doing the domestic stuff and the childcare. If you put three young children into fulltime childminding around their school or nursery hours, you'd be paying out thousands a month. You are earning that.

I know exactly what you mean. Also living with a MIL means a LOT of compromise and ground rules that everyone needs to follow.
My DiL and DS live with me and we have an actual contract of what is and is not permitted. otherwise it would not work at all.
It doesn't sound like your MiL would be up for any kind of contract in her own house. Its a bit different for us because we all own the house and have all put money in.
I don't think it would be feasible to move in with her.
Someone else suggested a mobile home in the garden, good idea. I believe you can rent them.

I think you have 2 separate problems.

1. a husband who doesn't take your views and feelings seriously. Don't get drawn into arguing about his mum, this is about you making a reasonable request in your marriage and someone who loves you and had an ounce of respect for you will accommodate it even if it is not his personal preference. That brings me to:

2. you have a project management problem to solve. You need to shave say £12-15k off the renovation budget to fund a year's rent someone else. Find a suitable rental on Rightmove to calculate what that figure is and find a practical solution to how to save that much. Eg downgrading from quartz work surfaces to laminate could save a few thou upfront. Find something in those plans to compromise on to generate that rental cost. Even if he cares passionately about his kitchen worksurfaces or an extra 1m on an extension, he'll be hard pushed to argue it matters more than his wife's strong feelings on where she lives for a YEAR.

Approach it like work - come up with a viable, practical proposal on how to make your way work. And don't move in with your MIL. He doesn't need to agree with you, he just needs to accept that this is important to you and respect your wishes. It's a very small £12ish k tweak on a massive project, that's all.

For those of you saying why did u buy such a house with 3 small kids neither i or dh anticipated how much work it would be. Tbh i was already in a desperate situation before we bought this house as for a whole 2 years before this he was convincing me to move in with his parents as they live alone in such a big house and it would be perfect for us etc. As soon as this house came on the market he fell in love with it and the idea of moving into his family home was soon squished and i was desperate to not be put in that situation so i agreed but it seems i am now back to that same scenario. I am not ungrateful and i cannot explain how she is its very difficult. She comes across as super nice but she is very undertone and manipulative. Example feeding kids on sunday at hers...food we both cooked before someone says she cooked for u be grateful. DH walks in with baby and says can i give him a quick bite to eat i say yes as soon as im done with kids...he walks out she buts in quickly and says your DH is hungry and he comes first in a very bitchy way. This is just a very very small example i didnt answer back i stayed quiet because i know its just an hour and ill go back to mine.

@Sugarspiceandeverythingnice

Ummm.

Why the fuck didn't you tell him to get his own fucking bite to eat?!

Why didn't you tell your mil to fuck off he does not come first?

Youve left yourself in a very vulnerable position.

I'd be looking for work ASAP even if it meant I was paying to work.

I hope you've at least had the sense to make sure you're on the deeds of both houses?

Yes on the deeds of the new house. Both of us are. X

Why does he keep trying to get you to move in with hi Mother? I would say that's not a prerequisite for being a partner. He earns the money but who does hours and hours of free childcare? You! How much would that cost him if he had to raise them on his own? Just because he was the job with the pay packet doesn't mean you have to live with hia Mother.

Can't you think up another solution? Even if it is living in a caravan on site? Sounds like you've got a shit deal there. No way I would be moving in with my in laws and he's crazy if he thinks he is being reasonable to ask.

He can come first in her eyes. He is her child. In the same way your children come first in your world. You need to be able to stand up for yourself each and every time. Don't waste your energy seething. It's just so unproductive.

Id be upfront and say that our marriage wouldn't survive an extended period of living in someone else house with them.

Any you not working now is short-sighted and impacts your long term earning potential. The childcare isn't your cost to bare. It's a family cost.

There a lot of benefits to living onsite (not in the building) during renovation.

Hi, hope you are ok. Please, please do not move in with your MIL! Last year myself, my DH and DC’s moved in with the MIL whilst we had big renovations done on our house and it was the biggest mistake of my life! I knew it would be a mistake before we went but I let my DH talk me in to it - we were there for 10 months and I am not exaggerating when I say that it was absolute torture for us all. This woman has always hated me, simply for being the person that married her darling son - she is a very, very difficult person, very malicious and nasty and her behaviour worsened whilst we were staying with her - so much so that it led to her trying to punch me for defending myself when I heard her slagging me off to my husband. We moved out straight away and I haven’t spoken to her now for the last few months and I never will. Hopefully you can find a solution for your predicament but please don’t move in with your MIL if you are already having reservations

I would say trust your feelings & don’t move in. Hold on to your boundaries. Just because you don’t financially contribute at the moment it doesn’t mean that your contribution has less value. You are also working hard for your family.

Unlikely that your mil will change & being exposed to more stuff living with her would be bound to affect your relationship & make you feel more unsupported.

Don't move in with her it's not going to end well.

Prioritise key rooms to renovate so you can move in and do the others later.