To not have made my son share

[Noshare]

At a soft play type place today and my son was playing with something, another little girl kept coming up and trying to take it off him (both about 2.5). I kept politely saying 'sorry sweetheart he's playing with this one' and giving her something else which she'd take away and play with for a bit and then come back.

My son can get a bit fixated on certain things so he was playing with this for about 15 mins.

Anyway, the little girls mum came up and asked my son if he would share it now and let her have a turn and I said 'hes playing with this at the moment but as soon as he's finished she can have a go with it'. She scoffed and said don't I teach my children to share. I replied that our definition of sharing obviously differs.

They were like blocks in different shapes but she wanted the specific block my son had even though she'd piled up the others which were practically the same if that makes sense?

If he was on a swing or something and it was the only one then I'd of course tell him to let someone else have a turn now after a certain time but I don't think sharing means just giving someone what they ask for when they ask for it if that makes sense? There were plenty of other things practically the same as this item her daughter could play with.

Was I being unreasonable and failing to teach my son to share by not making him just hand over what he was playing with the moment he was asked?!

@Peoniesandcream Does keeping a proper eye mean observing or getting involved with non-violent altercations? If the former, I agree, if the latter, I totally disagree.

@ForestFae that's fine by me, the majority of issues I've had with other children pushing my son over/ hitting him/ snatching etc have been from kids whose parents are nowhere to be seen....

I would have said to my ds he has to share and asked the girl to get another a black to swap with him.

If she agreed to swap one of the ones she'd gathered off others I'd have enforced swapping. If she just wanted to take his it would have been a firm no at that point!

No way would I be leaving a two year old to it at soft play. It’s nothing to do with being a helicopter parent and everything to do with ensuring they aren’t hurt by older children or inadvertently hurt younger ones.

YANBU, OP.

Same. I watch my kids not because I don’t trust them, it’s because I don’t trust other peoples kids. I’ve seen kids get straight up vicious when their parents aren’t around.

I work in a nursery. Your ds would have had to take his turn then pass it on to the other child after a set time. I use giant sand timers that take 5 minutes - he would not have had 15 minutes as thats too long for 2 year olds.
I would not give a hoot whose game was what, or who though they had more claim to the toy. At 2 years old they have to take turns, thats all there is to it.

As for all the parents on here who don't believe in turn taking or sharing, if your kids go to nursery they wont have any choice about it!

I'm glad someone else is reading the same thread as I am.

I am amazed the number of people who think it's selfish to play with 1 toy their way and yet in the other hand it's also selfish to deny another child that 1 toy when they have another 20 and dictate how they play

I don't think you're getting enough of the answers you want OP, so you're coming across as a bit defensive. Just wondering though - you said your son had already been playing with the block for 15 minutes. What if he'd been playing with it for an hour? Would you have accepted that it might be considerate to hand it over then? Or would you have still maintained that he shouldn't be obliged to hand it over because the other child had all the other blocks? What is the point in a 'set' of blocks if nobody ever gets to play with the whole set?

See this is where the OP went wrong then.

She should have demanded the girl who had the rest of the set for the whole 15 minutes handed them all to her ds - after all - what's the point of him having that 1 of someone else has the rest of the set?

This shows an incredible lack of understanding of child development then. You’d interrupt their play (which is obviously development) for the sake of some weird adult-oriented idea of fairness? What’s fair about it?

@CocoCactus From a general safety point of view ie. Kids running past child at the top of a slide/ high up bit without a side on, knocking them off and potentially breaking their neck etc. It's common sense. Toddlers don't need independence at that age.

Not at 2, at that age their communication isn't great. Some of them will resort to snatching , biting etc still so need supervision and help with interaction

What evidence do I have for that? Well I have 4 dc aged between 27 and 9 and 3 grandchildren aged between 1 and 5 so have done plenty of soft play and know how it works

Helping children interact with other children at 2 is not helicoptoring or going to cause anxiety, problems with self regulation or hinder their ability to play independently. You are talking total bollocks 🤣

one kid was hogging ALL of the blocks
the other kid was hogging ONE block

and one hogging block kid should have been made to hand over to All block hogging kid???

nope! YANBU op

See when you’re in Tesco with your communal basket, would you empty it all out because someone else liked the look of it and just hand it over? Or, if you’re standing in a queue in Primark and someone wants to go in front of you because they want their turn of the till, do you let them? Or if you get a spot on a bench in a park on a nice day, do you give it up because another adult wants it?

Right?! DS1 couldn’t speak at 2 and would bite (he has additional needs and also partially deaf but we didn’t know then), apparently I should have just let him loose in the soft play?! 2 year olds can’t always solve problems without resorting to smacking, hitting, biting and so on. It’s not over the top to make sure no one gets hurt.

I wouldn’t be impressed with a nursery that interrupted a child’s play like that I have to say.

YANBU op.
The little girls mum should have told her that she had enough blocks, and to leave your Son with the one he had.
This wasn’t about your Son not sharing. The little girl should have been told she can’t have them all.
It’s basic parenting. I can’t believe so many posters have told you that you should have told your little boy to give up the only block he had to add to her pile!
what would that be teaching both children??
Very bad parenting from the other Mum. She will go to school thinking she can just take everything she wants.
Awful message to give a child.

@Pumperthepumper What's a communal basket? As for your other examples, don't be so fucking ridiculous. They are ludicrously irrelevant.

My DS is 2.5yrs and I’d have done the same as you OP.

Which was part of her game.

A shopping basket. Those examples are all common items that adults must share. I’m guessing due to your reaction to that post that you’re not very good at sharing things. But you expect children to? How hypocritical.

Except the other child wasn’t buying a toy in this scenario and neither was OPs son. What a ridiculous example. Items in a shop are there to be bought and owned, not shared in a communal setting.

@Peoniesandcream there is no high up slide bit. The areas with giant blocks are generally for under 3/4s only - just an open play area with foam shapes to climb on. Of course you wouldn’t let a 2 year old into the main soft play area with big children running around - they are not allowed in.

Toddlers desperately need independence, so do babies. It’s the most fundamental thing they need. It’s the parents job to foster safe opportunities. Parents denying this results in children that become clingy or demand screens to keep them entertained. There seems to be a great misconception that respectful parenting = neglecting children. That couldn’t be less true.

www.magdagerber.org/blog

www.janetlansbury.com/2021/06/yes-spaces-what-they-really-are-and-why-they-matter/

So your son had one block from a set and the little girl had, say, the other nineteen blocks? I'd say he was sharing pretty well, then.

Ah, just realised what you meant by a communal basket @Pumperthepumper. I thought I was wandering around picking up items for other people in my imaginary supermarket shopping experience. Still a stupid comparison.