To not have made my son share

[Noshare]

At a soft play type place today and my son was playing with something, another little girl kept coming up and trying to take it off him (both about 2.5). I kept politely saying 'sorry sweetheart he's playing with this one' and giving her something else which she'd take away and play with for a bit and then come back.

My son can get a bit fixated on certain things so he was playing with this for about 15 mins.

Anyway, the little girls mum came up and asked my son if he would share it now and let her have a turn and I said 'hes playing with this at the moment but as soon as he's finished she can have a go with it'. She scoffed and said don't I teach my children to share. I replied that our definition of sharing obviously differs.

They were like blocks in different shapes but she wanted the specific block my son had even though she'd piled up the others which were practically the same if that makes sense?

If he was on a swing or something and it was the only one then I'd of course tell him to let someone else have a turn now after a certain time but I don't think sharing means just giving someone what they ask for when they ask for it if that makes sense? There were plenty of other things practically the same as this item her daughter could play with.

Was I being unreasonable and failing to teach my son to share by not making him just hand over what he was playing with the moment he was asked?!

No, that poster isn’t buying the basket, the queue or the bench in that scenario. Merely using commonly shared items.

Now now, no need to use the word ‘stupid’ just because you can’t think of an answer.

You know the netting that they have around those toddler soft plays? My DD could scale them at 2 and she would try to jump off the top. Should I have just left her unsupervised, to potentially jump or fall off, hurting herself and whoever else she might land on in the process?

You have never experienced hyperactive kids if you think all two year olds can be left unsupervised. I’m sure it’s suitable for some but not for all.

This place is like an alternate universe sometimes... of course the little girl should be entitled to ALL of the toys and your son should have NONE.

@Pumperthepumper Hmm, yes the word 'stupid' does hit a raw nerve with some people. Especially when it's apt.

Still no answer though? Oh dear, you’re not sharing this communal space very nicely with the other posters.

Not fine to hog a toy for 15 minutes when you know someone else is waiting

This. Its about teaching your child they won't always get what they want. You don't have to hand it over it immediately, but you can't let him hog it indefinitely to finish whatever imaginary thing hes doing with it in his 2.5 yr old mind. What if he had wanted it for an hour or more? He wont always have the luxury of "finishing" with something and choosing to put it down in his own time.

I think when you're talking about hoarding, you're sort of making it sound like this girl is older than your child, like she's greedy and spoilt and should know better, but your child (who is doing exactly the same thing) is just an innocent child playing. They're both 2 and a half though and they doing have a lot of sense at that age. It would probably have been sensible to let her have a turn, engage your child in something else, and let him come back to the block when the girl inevitably got bored of it within a few minutes.

@ForestFae your sample size of 7 is not robust. I prefer to base my understanding of child development on actual scientific evidence.

“Not at 2, at that age their communication isn't great. Some of them will resort to snatching , biting etc still so need supervision and help with interaction”

We agree on a few things.

Opportunities to interact uninterrupted is how they learn communication. You do not need to interfere to impose some adult idea of justice on them. Let them learn about justice and fairness through their own experiences.

You absolutely should always step in if there is biting or other physical violence.

Supervision yes, always, you should always be observing ready to step in and keep a child safe from hitting etc. But they do not need ‘help’ with interaction, other than for example physically preventing violence.

@CocoCactus Soft plays or play areas in general always have more than one storey/ area/ slide. Bigger kids are always in the toddler area, some bigger than me running around in there, I see it every time, no matter which one I go to. I'd rather ensure my child isn't knocked over by them and just generally look after his wellbeing, as you know its my job. Me and my siblings are all successful and independent and no e of us had "screens " in those days so that argument is irrelevant. My own DS is very well behaved because I'm there to help if needed.

I have never advocated leaving children unsupervised, quite the opposite.

I’m talking about interfering in situations where no one is in danger of being hurt, eg. squabbling over a toy.

If a child will get themselves into a dangerous situation then they shouldn’t be in that place. Far better for them to be free to explore safely than to be somewhere full of danger being interrupted and told ‘no’ and ‘don’t’ .

Ps the little girls behaviour wasnt ok either (but that's a separate issue).

In a busy soft play 15 minutes is just too long to hang on to something others want a turn with too.

I agree it’s fine to let them talk to each other and see if they can work things out, but I don’t think waiting until they get violent is helpful either. I know my DC and with DS1 there were usually warnings a biting was imminent - so I don’t think i was wrong to intervene before the biting but to prevent one

Did you miss the bit where the girl has another 19 odd blocks that she'd collected from the soft play place and other children?

Because I'm sure you're not actually suggesting he should share the 1 block he had with someone who had the rest. That's not even sharing. That's giving everything to one person.

That 1 person was the only one doing the hogging. 🤷‍♀️

And the little girl won't always have the luxury of 'completing a set'. How is it any different?

I would never have been able to take any of my dc, particularly DS1 and DD anywhere then, because they both have ADHD and ASD and could find danger in anything. They’re given plenty of time to explore, I raise them outside mostly (we joke they’re feral kids as they spend so much time covered in mud up the local woods) and they climb trees, build dens, paddle in brooks etc. But I always have to observe in case they go too high and get stuck (has happened), or one shoves the other one in a lake (has happened) or one runs off and gets lost (has happened).

So I think there’s nuance here

@Pumperthepumper alrighty you win. Yay!!

@ForestFae

”Right?! DS1 couldn’t speak at 2 and would bite (he has additional needs and also partially deaf but we didn’t know then), apparently I should have just let him loose in the soft play?! 2 year olds can’t always solve problems without resorting to smacking, hitting, biting and so on. It’s not over the top to make sure no one gets hurt.”

I totally agree. The only thing parents should be doing is making sure no one is hitting and biting etc. Much more challenging with additional needs I’m sure. They should not be adjudicating in toddler arguments. No one should be let loose in soft play, but they should be left to their own devices to learn for themselves about sharing, unless there is some risk of physical harm.

Oh dear…. What we are teaching them is that they are not the centre of the whole world, and that in order to be able to function in society they need to recognise that and accept it.
Dont worry we can spot the kids whose parents don’t believe in making their kids take turns or share - we recognise those children will need extra support to manage it.

YABU.

He had 15 mins playing with a block. It's time to let someone else have a turn.

Do you stick to that logic at parks? If someone wants a go on the only swing and your son's on it, would you just say no indefinitely?

That's mean and you're not doing your son any favours. Everyone gets a turn, that's how things work. I hope you tell your son no when he wants to play with something that's being used too?

@ForestFae we are in absolute agreement you say “I always have to observe”, this is what the respectful parenting I have been quoting is about. Observing and only stepping in to prevent physical danger.

Your kids sound very lucky to spend so much time adventuring outdoors.

Probably the most ridiculous thing I've heard today.

They’ll do a much better job of teaching eachother that than you can. All you’re teaching them is that fairness is something externally imposed, rather than something intrinsic they need to develop for themselves.

ah right, yeah I agree with that mostly. I generally let my kids out in the wild so to speak, and only tell them they can’t do something if it’s genuinely dangerous (if it’s something minor I’ll usually use natural consequences). I am a bit cagey in soft play but that’s because I’ve seen other kids get aggressive and also my own dc can kick off and meltdown sometimes over things that might seem inconsequential to others

No, you’re not. You’re teaching them adult-defined rules that limit their play (development). Do you know how important play is in the early years?