@DontLookBackInAnger1
It's most definitely a parents job to guide, model and teach children.Morals are inherent, they're taught.
I said it’s not a parents job to referee minor squabbles about a toy. I agree, It's most definitely a parents job to guide, model and teach children. Children do not learn from what they are told, they learn from what they witness and copy from us.
What would you do if your child was upsetting others with their words? Or snatching toys? Or blanking others and upsetting them?
If they’re acting like that there’s a reason and they need my help. I follow Janet Lansbury’s wisdom:
“So, I would go close. Not run over, but walk over calmly, because this isn’t a physical emergency and I don’t want my child to feel that I’m panicky. I don’t want to be panicky about this, and angry about this, and emotional. I want to see what’s really going on here, which is, oops, my child went there.
Maybe later I’ll think about it, and I’ll figure out what I might be doing to contribute to this. But all I need to know now is my child isn’t at her best right now, and she’s being unkind, and I’ve got to help her. She can’t help herself; she’s showing me that she can’t.
So, I’m going to be as discreet and kind about this as possible, always modeling the kindness I want to instill in my children. Holding her by the hand, or putting my arm around her, doing what I need to do to be able to talk to her for a moment.
What I would say would be, “I can’t let you talk that way, that can hurt feelings. I can’t let you do that.” And following through with my “I can’t let you” by kindly escorting her out of there. But I’m not blaming her. I know that she doesn’t want to be that person that’s unkind, and it’s my job to stop her.
The manner in which we do this is make or break. And the way to have that manner that’s helpful, and discreet, and private about this intervention, as private as I can be, that comes from again and again working on visualizing what’s really going on here: a child who has lost control, even if it looks very controlled. She knows it’s not a good place, so she doesn’t need that lesson. She doesn’t need to be told again and again.
From there, taking my child aside for this time-in, I will likely learn a little more. I will see my child either express relief, take a moment, and then be able to go back. Or I will recognize, hmm, my child is tired, maybe has a full-on meltdown at that point. That can happen, that those unkind behaviors are the tip of the iceberg to stronger feelings that a child has inside that they need to release. So that might happen, in which case maybe I would help her to the car, or somewhere even more private.”
www.janetlansbury.com/2019/05/when-your-child-is-unkind-she-needs-your-help/
“Trust is also a gift for parents, because it means we don’t waste our energy trying to urge development forward or “fix” issues that are usually best resolved by providing children with a nurturing environment and leaving the rest up to them. Attempting to force development before a child is ready sets us both up for unnecessary frustration and failure. We all know the expression, “you can lead a horse to water, but…”
Do you think your children will learn the curriculum themselves? Will learn how to save money, feed themselves and navigate difficult social situations on their own?
Absolutely not
Do you think they'll thank you for basically sitting back and doing nothing?
Absolutely not
If this approach, of basically not parenting at all, is common, I guess that explains why there are so many unruly school kids out there. I work in a primary school where the teachers regularly say how pupil behaviour has declined over the years. I guess that would explain it!
Who is advocating not parenting at all? The respectful parenting approach I am advocating requires highly conscious parenting which takes a lot of thought and effort. The biggest struggles are breaking the cycle of unconscious way you were parented and letting go of entrenched notions that children do not have the capacity or wisdom to figure out stuff for themselves without adults interrupting vital developmental processes. Who knows why behaviour is declining. Maybe behaviour is declining because children don’t have the freedom that was granted in previous generations? Technology? Unfettered Capitalism? Examination culture?