To not have made my son share

[Noshare]

At a soft play type place today and my son was playing with something, another little girl kept coming up and trying to take it off him (both about 2.5). I kept politely saying 'sorry sweetheart he's playing with this one' and giving her something else which she'd take away and play with for a bit and then come back.

My son can get a bit fixated on certain things so he was playing with this for about 15 mins.

Anyway, the little girls mum came up and asked my son if he would share it now and let her have a turn and I said 'hes playing with this at the moment but as soon as he's finished she can have a go with it'. She scoffed and said don't I teach my children to share. I replied that our definition of sharing obviously differs.

They were like blocks in different shapes but she wanted the specific block my son had even though she'd piled up the others which were practically the same if that makes sense?

If he was on a swing or something and it was the only one then I'd of course tell him to let someone else have a turn now after a certain time but I don't think sharing means just giving someone what they ask for when they ask for it if that makes sense? There were plenty of other things practically the same as this item her daughter could play with.

Was I being unreasonable and failing to teach my son to share by not making him just hand over what he was playing with the moment he was asked?!

@DontLookBackInAnger1 Probably the most ridiculous thing I've heard today.

Why? Do you think it’s a parents role to referee in childrens minor squabbles?

I'm using the android app so can't filter by OPs posts but it seems like you really don't care if people think YABU as you firmly believe you're not....so why bother posting?

I mean, I see it from both sides tbh. Her kid wanted to complete a tower with all blocks, your child wanted to play with this particular block.
I think 15 mins is too long to make a child wait when she could have taken it for 2 mins to complete her pile, jump in it or whatever, then your son could have played with it after. That said, she doesn't get to demand toys others are playing with.

Did you try and encourage them to play with the blocks together? That's my usual go to.

Presumably it would be ok for the boy to go off and play with the other blocks she had collected then?

It's most definitely a parents job to guide, model and teach children. Morals are inherent, they're taught.

What would you do if your child was upsetting others with their words? Or snatching toys? Or blanking others and upsetting them?

Do you think your children will learn the curriculum themselves? Will learn how to save money, feed themselves and navigate difficult social situations on their own?

Do you think they'll thank you for basically sitting back and doing nothing?

If this approach, of basically not parenting at all, is common, I guess that explains why there are so many unruly school kids out there. I work in a primary school where the teachers regularly say how pupil behaviour has declined over the years. I guess that would explain it!

What, taking turns? Yes of course.

Hogging toys isn't nice. It's poor manners and people will find that very annoying as he gets older.

sigh….. kids who aren’t taught to share or take turns just don’t share or take turns. They make other kids miserable and end up with no friends.
Still at least the adults didn’t have to put any effort in eh? 🙄

Exactly. That's how you raise a spoilt child, teenager and adult.

If anything, children, especially toddlers, are naturally very selfish. It's our job to encourage them to develop empathy and understanding of others. To think other toddlers teach them that is, quite honestly, ridiculous.

It’s not ridiculous at all, it’s how children learn. Real-life context is always more meaningful than artificial show-and-tell.

It's our job to encourage them to develop empathy and understanding of others

Yes a bit like teaching them playing a game where you go around taking items off other kids to add to a pile isn't a suitable game when other people want to play with those things?

I know how children learn. I have had three.

If you genuinely think it's in a child's best interest to basically have to navigate life on their own, crack on. But your child won't thank you and nor will those around them if they turn out spoilt and entitled.

OP I completely agree with you. Of course he doesn't have to share his one block with the girl who has the rest. If it was a child who had no blocks wanting it I would make him share. The mum is mad, as if you'd intervene like that! They need to learn to fight their own battles.

I’m a teacher. Believe me when I say, they learn better when their environment is natural and child-led.

What, go and request a turn of something someone else is hogging? Yes that's completely fair.

In the circumstances you describe, YANBU.

Oh, a teacher? You must be right then...

It can still be child-led with parental guidance. It isn't a black or white, all or nothing scenario.

It's about guiding your child to learn societal expectations. It's a key role of parents. For the benefit of the child, as well others around them (including siblings).

I am right about this, yes. Setting a timer to limit a kid’s play to five minutes because the adult has bizarrely decided that’s ‘fairness’ will teach them absolutely nothing about sharing.

You're not.

And I have never said set a 5 minute timer?

Taking a toddler to soft play and essentially letting them do whatever they want, at anyone elses expense, isn't doing them justice.

Guidance and setting boundaries is an important part of feeling secure and learning how to navigate difficult social situations.

Sitting back and allowing your child to hog toys at their will, with no consideration for others won't encourage good behaviour or empathy. And it won't make them nice people to be around (unless hopefully there's someone around in the kids life who is willing to teach them about sharing and caring about others feelings)

‘I am right about this, yes’ Well there we go, thread over then.

But that isn’t what was happening.
A girl was going around and taking all the blocks. There was only one left, which OP’s son had. She wanted that final one. OP is teaching her son that just because someone demands something from you, you don’t have to capitulate.
She had enough of the blocks. It would have resulted in her having all of them and him having none. How is that sharing?

Yes I am. And this whole conversation was in reply to the nursery poster setting the timer. They won’t learn to care about another kid’s feelings from you forcing them to do what you want them to do.

Children need to learn they can't always have something just because they want it. As long as it wasn't the only one or the child was much younger or a Sen child I would do the same as you. Lots of ops to teach sharing this didn't need to be one of them.

It's probably already been said, cba to read full thread but these were toys for all the children I presume, so you shouldn't have let him carry on with it for a full 15 mins. 5 maybe. However IMO different if his own toy, then he absolutely doesn't have to share if he doesn't want to!

Strange behaviour from a teacher ‘no you aren’t’ ‘yes I am’ ‘no you’re not’ ‘Yes I am’ Bizarre

You could have read just OP’s posts and saved yourself some time speculating.