To us rainbows for a baby who's not a 'rainbow baby'

[Notmushroomleft]

DD's name is Iris. We love the flower and had them at our wedding which is why we chose it. We later also found out it means rainbow in Greek I believe which just makes it all the more a beautiful name in my view. So as she'll be moving into her own room in the next month or so, we've just decorated her room with a rainbow theme and whenever I post a picture of her on Instagram I've always posted with a rainbow emoji (and a blue heart because she has the bluest eyes). I posted a picture of her new nursery just because I worked hard on it and I think it looks beautiful and wanted to show it off. For context I have literally 53 friends on Instagram and every one of them I know in really life, so I'm not trying to be an 'influencer' by a million miles, just trying to show friends and family the new nursery.
Anyway one of my friends has text me to say she loves the room but thinks it's weird that I always use a rainbow for DD and she thinks I'm being quite insensitive to use it when DD isn't a 'rainbow baby'. And no she's not, I've been unbelievably blessed in life and have never suffered a miscarriage or infant loss. DF who's made the comment has sadly lost a baby and is quite open with me in real life and on social media that she is waiting for her rainbow baby.
I really love her and desperately pray she gets the family she wants soon but I honestly just never made the connection between me using a rainbow image to decorate for DD or to use as an emoji in a post to 'rainbow babies'; I literally just like rainbows and think it's cool that DD's name means rainbow. I'm also sad that DD is 6 months old now and I've always used a rainbow emoji for her on a post so this has obviously been bothering DF for a while but the room has obviously been the final straw. I haven't even replied yet as I honestly don't even know what to say.
I don't want to hurt my friend, I hate the idea that anything I have done has made her trauma even worse but I also really don't want to have to redecorate the entire room when I just finished it and I really love it for DD. But AIBU to use rainbows for a baby when she isn't a 'rainbow baby'?

I understand that, @BaaCake , but my point is that it's not an exclusive symbol.
Do you think she shouldn't use it in the context of a baby?.

Your friend is crazy.
Use as many rainbows as you like, as often as you like.

Tell her that Iris means rainbow, by all means use rainbows for decoration in her room.

But I’d cut out the rainbows on social media

and consider just WhatsApping a picture of the room or whatever to the grandparents rather than broadcasting to 53 people.

she can be honest with you but she certainly doesn’t own the rainbow and it is a symbol used to represent all sorts of things and groups.

@Notmushroomleft - you have a real opportunity here to support your friend & offer her a way to talk about the names she gave her rainbow babies & to allow her time & space to talk through her pain.

There is absolutely no need to give explanations about your DD name or bedroom theme because this is not really about you or your DD but about the constant pain your friend is experiencing. There's a great youtube video to give you more ideas of how to do this.

Maybe contact her and ask her about how it all makes her feel instead of justifying your choices. [which don't need to be justified at all - you're allowed to choose whatever you want.]

This is rubbish.
Loads of people won’t know this.
Arguably more people would associate this with gay pride.

My first reaction on seeing the title of this thread was WTF is a 'Rainbow Baby'. Googling the term I find that I am the mother of a 26-year-old one!

Interestingly his lounge is decorated with a huge rainbow flag - he's gay.

Oh I didn't see this one sorry OP. Her theme? What? This is all very odd. The emoji is one thing, but her room is her room. You can decorate it how you like.

😆😆😆😆😆😆😆

To be fair the 💜💦 does give a bit of an orgy vibe! 😆😆😆😉

I absolutely can't stand the whole 'rainbow baby' thing anyway. Let your child be a child in his or her own right, not a 'replacement child' for the one you lost. Calling him/her a 'rainbow baby' immediately puts on pressure for them to reach this impossible ideal of being a perfect, new baby, trying to reach the perceived perfection that the baby that was lost would have reached.

It's not fair.

One baby doesn't replace another.

Rainbow is a symbol of a promise from god and hope for bright days ahead. Totally fine to use in any nursery imo. I have “rainbow babies” but hate the term and wouldn’t use it but understand others find comfort in it. I would just say, in this context I just love rainbow but appreciate others use it to symbolise different things - baby after loss, pride, nhs during covid. In all these the underlying symbolism is hope.

On a picture of a baby?

This!!

I think this is a bigger thing on social media so maybe just leave off the rainbow emoji?

Can someone please provide the exact definition of a rainbow baby?

Without knowing it, it seems like it’s any baby born after a loss, is that right?

MC or death of a child?

Are all subsequent babies rainbow babies, or just the one after?

If only the one after, why? What about other children.

If you regretted an abortion after having one, and suffered severe mental anxiety afterwards, could your next birth then be a rainbow baby?

Who makes these rules?

Funny how rainbows mean different things to different people, isn't it?

To me it means all these: the bible story of Noah's Ark, Greenpeace and the Rainbow Warrior, the thing we get in the sky after the rain, something small children are obsessed with painting, and in recent years I've also come to associate it with gay pride and all that.

So if I saw someone using a rainbow emoji I would associate it with one of those things.

Her name means Rainbow, entirely appropriate.

This!
Yes rainbows are not monopolised by those who have experienced loss, but constantly using a rainbow emoji in relation to a baby gives that impression, especially if it's not common knowledge that her name means rainbow.
Sounds like your friend is just gently pointing this out to you, and is also slightly confused and potentially hurt that there is the possibility that you are suggesting your child is a rainbow baby for attention.

It's a misunderstanding. You didn't think about the connotation and implications, she doesn't know your babys name means rainbow. If I were you, I would be grateful that she ahd pointed it out, explain your baby's name was why you were using it and you hadn't made the other connection, but now you've realised how it looks, will not post the rainbow emoji next to her name in the future (no need to go dramatically deleti posts or redecorating)

What do you mean a picture of a baby?

I have never associated a rainbow with a baby? Why would I. Why would anyone?

A rainbow is a beautiful natural phenomenon and as it’s pretty to look at it often appears In children’s themes things.

That is all I know about rainbows.

Raimbows are not just for people who lost a baby

She's being nasty

Don't redecorate the room!

She doesn't own the rainbow.

She's being a bit odd, but that's because she's not thinking clearly because all she can feel right now is her grief and longing. Hopefully she'll see how unreasonable she's being when she's out the other side.

For now I'd just say something along the lines of ' oh, nothing is meant by it, iris means rainbow in Greek and also babies love colours!' Then change the subject. I wouldn't entertain this by getting into a full on chat about it, as it's not good for her either.

In 12 months time or so your baby will love pointing to and naming all the colours so please don't change it!

I think its an interesting concept to decorate a room with an image reflecting the child's name though. I can see why you've done it. Caleb means dog I think. There's lots of potential in this idea.

Your baby may or may not be gay as well… Rainbows don’t just symbolize babies born after loss. I’m a bit over the hijacking of everyday symbols by groups that claim ownership. Iris means rainbow. It’s why the coloured part of your eye is called the Iris. Judy Garland and Kermit the Frog both sang about them. Your friend has been through a lot, but she doesn’t own rainbows and accusing you of hijacking them because it’s “supposed to be about her” is frankly, very “Look at Me.”

Nobody owns rainbows. Your friend is being overly sensitive.

Hi DF. I'm so sorry for causing upset, I certainly didn't mean to. Iris means rainbow, hence why I associate rainbows with her. I will dial down my use of rainbows on social media. Thank you for being honest with me."

Do not apologise and so not stop using rainbows if you like them, and especially if that’s what your daughters name means.