Having children isn't viewed as an achievement, the same way having a successful career is

[gagablacksheep]

Just wondering what people's thoughts are on this.

Having children is the hardest thing I've ever done, yet, I feel like, as the majority of people have children- it's nothing ' special ' that you get any kind of pat on the back for, in the same way you would - if, say you had a very successful career.

The kind of social standing that comes with being very successful career wise, just isn't the same, as being a mum. Most people can be ' a mum ', but most people can't have very successful careers.

Is it just me, or is being a mum just a bog standard thing, that seems a bit 'thankless' in the eyes of society ? Sorry if I've not explained my feeling and thoughts very well.

Raising children AND having a successful career at the same time is an achievement worthy of praise. Just having children really isn’t when most people can manage that. Who do you expect praise from for raising your own kids?

A successful career is more of an achievement, as not everyone has the determination and ability to do it, but parenting leaves more of a mark on the world (except for the rarified few who end up in the history books, make a scientific breakthrough or a lasting piece of art). I have a successful career, earn well into six figures, manage a large team - but if I left my job tomorrow nobody would really give a shit. They would be more concerned about my replacement who would likely do as good a job. Whereas the impact I have on my children is absolutely massive, as the years progress they will think of me, no-one work related will, and when I die I will live on only in their memory.
saying that I don’t think I’m the best of mothers so who knows what they will think of me when they get older!

Society does not value women that's the problem!

I think our society doesn't value women- whether they are mothers or not. Tbh, I think it doesn't value people. The way jobs and working rights are being eroded, but women still are less valued.

I have a successful career as a health care professional and I don't feel valued in that either. The way government continue to treat the NHS and it's staff.

The quote about being expected to - work like you don't have children and parent like you don't have to work- is very pertinent.

Also the quote- it's takes a village to raise a child. The village doesn't exist for many. We are often doing it all or having to pay for help ( nurseries, cleaners etc) in a world of stagnating wages and cost of living rising by the minute.

It is special to you though, and very special to your children. I’m interested in what you’d like from wider society? What recognition that you feel you’d get for a career?

@greenvelvetcouch I'm glad you feel supported whilst pregnant and I hope that continues.

Remember these benefits are not just for you, but for the child you are carrying. Having good antenatal care, free dentistry etc financially it makes sense to offer this to pregnant woman.

If you don’t feel valued as a mother, you are valued even less if you are not a mother.

OP I would seek support in another section for your difficult births, not in AIBU. It will be less consuming as they grow, and you will discover yourself again.

Agreed. Being a parent is extremely hard work. Harder than any job I've done and I've done some very mentally/physically hard jobs.

I now understand the whole meme of work being a bit of a break.

Well, be the chage then. Value motherhood, just don’t demand it from others. That’s selfish.

@gagablacksheep Can you answer the question that has been ask many times:
From who and why do you want thanks for having kids?
Who is supposed to be gratefull for your kids?
And why?

You will find that many, many women have struggled with having and raising a baby. That includes myself. It may be special to you and you are entitled to feel that, but it is in no way relevant to the next person. There are millions of women giving birth and raising children who are not fit to have those children in the first place. By all means celebrate you, but it quite ridiculous to even think that it is something extraordinary or special that probably a billion people have done already.

@Mally100 that's exactly my point. Billions of people do it. So it's nothing special.

Having children isn't comparable to a successful career though. Having children is comparable to have a job. Raising "good" humans is akin to a career, but the obvious issue being everyone's definition of a good human is different.

I found the lack of external validation from moving from a career to a parent difficult. I'm used to measuring success in grades, salary, reviews, promotions etc. Texting your friends to say today I left the house and had forgotten nothing from the baby bag 🥇🥇🥇 doesn't have the same ring to it. But by Jesus it's an achievement.

I agree.Society doesn’t value motherhood or family life. Q

But it's just nothing special

Something not being classed as an achievement is not at all the same as it being 'nothing special'. A relationship with someone you love, a milestone birthday, a once-in-a-lifetine trip, a religious faith etc - all of these are viewed as very special. Not one of them is an achievement. They are experiences which are of great value to the person who has them.

It is strange and unreasonable imo to expect thanks or validation from society for an aspect of your life which is something you have chosen for your own personal reasons and which benefits nobody apart from yourself and your own family. From society's point of view, what you have achieved is adding one more person to the planet!

My children are awesome. I have no regrets whatsoever about having them, and I have loved being a parent. But it wouldn't remotely occur to me to require any kind of admiration, recognition or praise for procreating!

Yep, agree with that. Medical training can take years and then you have people's lives in your hand.

I found the lack of external validation from moving from a career to a parent difficult. I'm used to measuring success in grades, salary, reviews, promotions etc. Texting your friends to say today I left the house and had forgotten nothing from the baby bag 🥇🥇🥇 doesn't have the same ring to it. But by Jesus it's an achievement

This is how I feel.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I think good parenting IS an achievement people should be proud of. I don't think you can understand the importance of good parents (present, loving, willing to prioritise their children, engaged but not intrusive, establishing healthy boundaries, there for a lifetime) unless you've experienced the opposite, and I say this as someone whose mother was an unstable, self-absorbed alcoholic. I have a few older friends whose early-to-mid-twenties kids are absolutely lovely people off living useful happy lives. I admire those friends much more for that than anything else they've done in their lives. I hate the tendency to be dismissive of parents ("who anyone can have a baby").

Genuinely interested - what more would you like society to do to value family life?

I agree with this. A career is something you make or break on your own - that is an achievement. Doing something that many can possibly do, not so.

Perhaps, then, society should treat parents as employers treat employees: feedback on how well you’re doing, appraisals, sanctions if you aren’t doing well enough. So, strangers telling you so when your kid is being a badly behaved brat in public, or that your “gentle parenting” method whilst your kid runs amok is getting on everyone’s nerves and to buck your ideas up because your parenting is sub-par.

Except most parents seem remarkably resistant to that sort of thing, which rather suggests they aren’t particularly interest in the impact of their child upon the rest of society and society’s derived “value” should be very one-sided.

great post!

I’d like a societal shift where two incomes arent required so more people can be SAHPs if they want to, less consumerism, more flexibility re hours, a 4 day working week, more emphasis placed upon the role of nurturing, people to not act like kids should be seen and not heard, more value given to communities and the expectation not being that families live miles and miles away from each other. Basically I’d want a less materialistic, more family focused society.

I genuinely do not understand what planet you are writing from.
Because here on Earth, that’s all (women particularly) are valued for.